by Alice White
“How can I trust you?” The words came out quicker than I would have liked. I was nervous and he knew it. “How can I trust that you won’t hurt me…?” She whispered
Robert looked at her for a moment, his head cocked to the side. He smiled softly and touched her cheek.
"You can't possibly know that. No one can. That's why it's called falling in love."
"Love?"
"I suppose we aren't there yet, but yes, love. I'd like to eventually fall in love with you," he said.
He spoke with a confidence that made my heart beat a million miles a minute. He was willing to put up with my coldness, just for a chance to get to know me. It was moving but terrifying at the same time.
I caught his gaze, my eyes wide and hardly believing what I was hearing. I had feelings for the preacher, that much I knew, but I couldn't even begin to understand how to express those feelings or what I should do with them. Luckily, Robert knew to prompt me.
"What do you say?"
I stared at him, hesitating for a moment before I swallowed and finally nodded. I wasn't really sure what else to do. Everything he said sounded so lovely and so full of promise. I nodded slowly, wide eyed.
"Alright...I can try. I can try to let you in."
Before I could react, he closed the space between us and I felt his lips on mine. A warm tingle started in my lips and moved through the rest of my body. He didn't deepen the kiss, though he didn't need to. This was utter perfect.
I returned the kiss, finally pulling away, wide eyed. Of course I'd been kissed before, but nothing like this. Robert’s kisses were tender and adoring, full of an unspoken emotion. They weren't the sloppy, instant and forceful kisses I'd been used to all this time.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
I couldn't find the words to respond. I was too taken aback by the loveliness of the kiss. Instead I just threw my arms around him and kissed him again, enjoying the weightlessness of my body in the water. He held me in that kiss and I couldn't help but grin into it.
I was terrified but excited for whatever would come next.
Chapter 7
Robert was wonderful. He was an amazing man, and I never for a moment thought that I deserved him at all. He was patient and kind and as we grew closer I saw an even kinder side of him. He would take me out to the market and buy me little trinkets, though I never let him spend much money. I knew he didn’t make a lot as a preacher, but I still appreciated the fruits and small toys he’d buy me.
I knew that I was too old to be fascinated by the toys, but I loved them. I hadn’t had much of a childhood and I had a bit of a tendency to regress back into childlike behaviors, and it wasn’t just with toys. Whenever I got overwhelmed by my own emotions, I would start to push him away in my panic. I didn’t know how to handle the feelings that were coming over me, so instead of handling them the way most people did…I lashed out at the curled into myself.
Robert didn’t let me do that, though. Every time I started to get overwhelmed he would just wrap his arms around me and kiss me. He danced with me and took me for walks in the woods. It was all very kind and so generous…The worst part of it all, was that he didn’t seem to realize how amazing he was. I asked him why he wasn’t married yet and he told me that women weren’t a priority for him. That answer made me ask another question. Why had he picked me?
He just turned towards me and smiled. “I feel like God shined a light on you. He led me to you because he knew how much I needed you in my life.”
That answer had made my chest tighten. How could he need me? He might have wanted me, but no one could possibly need me. That just seemed absurd. No one had ever needed me before and I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the concept.
We were together like that for a while. He would hold me and kiss me and I was happy to let him. It felt good to have someone’s arms wrapped around me. It felt good to feel safe for the first time in a very long time. I didn’t think I’d ever trust a man again and to finally feel my heart mending itself was an amazing thing, but I should have known that things couldn’t stay this way forever.
I was cleaning the floors and waiting for Robert to come home. Dinner had already been spooned into bowls. Since our encounter at the waterfall, I found myself working harder to make him happy as well. I felt like he deserved it, but even more than that, I wanted to see him happy and I wanted to be the reason he was happy.
When he came through the door I immediately jumped up from the floor and ran over to him, helping him ease his coat off. It had been raining none stop for the last few days and so his rain jacket was completely soaked and weighed a ton.
“Ah. Thank you, darling,” he said, leaning in and kissing my cheek.
I smiled and shook my head. “Don’t thank me,” I said softly, leading him towards the kitchen so I could hand him the bowl of soup I’d made.
While he wasn’t rich, we were one of the few families in the area that actually had a completely separate kitchen. It was nice, especially since I’d come from such a poor family. Robert wasn’t considered wealthy in this area, but he had more money than I ever had. It was a strange warped view.
He smiled and took the soup as well as my hand. “Come sit with me.”
We went back to the main living area and settled at the small table that was just big enough for the two of us. I sat across from him and watched him carefully. “You were out a long time today…”
He nodded and slurped his soup. “I had to go a town over.”
“Why in the world did you go that far alone?”
He smiled a little and reached into his trouser pockets, pulling something out. “Well, I couldn’t let you come with me and ruin the surprise.” He said, turning his hand and opening it.
In the center of his palm was a small golden ring with a little blue stone embedded in it. My chest tightened and my eyes widened. “What…Is this?”
“A wedding ring.”
“Are you asking me to marry you?” I whispered breathlessly, my eyes wide and full of tears.
“I am.”
I opened my mouth and tried to speak, but no words came out. He smiled and reached out, taking my hand gently. He pressed the ring into my palm gently and curled my fingers around it. He then brought my knuckles to his lips and kissed them tenderly.
“You don’t have to make a decision now. Take your time, okay?”
I looked at him with wide, desperate eyes. I wanted to say yes so badly. I knew I should be happy or thankful in the least. I knew these things, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel them. I was too busy feeling an intense fear. It wasn’t the marriage that scared me, no. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be with him desperately and I wanted him to love me for the rest of my life.
What I was afraid of was being found out. What would he think if he knew his wife had been a prostitute before coming west? There’s no way he’d want to marry me if he knew just how tainted I was. I was so afraid to lose him and I wasn’t sure I could handle being pushed away by the only man who’d ever cared for me and the only man who I ever cared for.
I held the ring and forced a shaky smile. “Thank you, darling,” I whispered, wiping away the tears that were threatening to spill, “I will give you your answer soon. I just need a little time.”
He nodded. “Of course. I understand.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off the ring for the rest of dinner. I wanted to jump up and down and dance, but I wanted to break down at the same time. The only thing I knew for certain was that my time here had run out.
I couldn’t stay.
Chapter 8
I managed to make it through dinner, though only barely. It had been a long day for Robert, so he went straight to bed. I was happy to be left alone a while. I cleaned up after dinner and by the time everything was clean and put away, I found myself preparing for one of the hardest things I was ever going to do.
Robert was a rather deep sleeper so I walked into the bedroom I’d hoped would be ours one day,
and I leaned down, kissing his forehead with a tenderness I didn’t even know I had in me. Tears welled in my eyes and I swallowed thickly. I didn’t want to leave him, but I knew it was the only way.
I knew that Robert kept a small tent in the barn and so I went and fetched it. I didn’t know how long I would be traveling on foot, but I managed to pack enough food to last me at least a week. I knew there wasn’t a settlement too far away and I didn’t want to pack heavy because that was how people got robbed. I didn’t want to seem like a target.
Once everything was packed, I headed for the door, hesitating for just a moment. Maybe I could tell him the truth. Maybe he would accept me for who I was. I could keep saying that and keep hoping, but I knew in my heart I was kidding myself. What kind of man would want me if he knew the truth about me?
I closed my eyes tightly and turned forced myself to move forward. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to. My pocket felt light as I walked into the rain. I’d left my ring on the kitchen table, not wanting to take it from Robert. I was sure it cost a pretty penny and I wanted him to at least be able to sell it. I hated that the gesture would probably break his heart, but it was for the best. Hearts would heal.
I walked into the rain ignoring the way it stung my face. It was cold but I would find shelter in the woods for tonight. I got far enough away from the house that I knew Robert wouldn’t be able to find me easily. I didn’t want him to find me. Well, that was a lie. I would have loved for him to find me, but I was trying to do what was best for him.
Once I was sure I was five miles or so from the cabin, I started to put up the tent I had taken from Robert. It was small but sturdy and just big enough for one person. The heavy layers of fabric would keep me dry through the night, hopeful. I stripped out of my heavy dress, leaving me in just my slip. I was the type of woman who would choose comfort over modesty. Besides, it was just me out here.
Once I hung my dress over one of the sticks holding the tent up, I curled up on the ground, laying my head in my arms and allowing myself to drift off. It wasn’t as comfortable as my cot beside the fire, but at least I was dry.
I slept through the night and when I woke up the next morning, there was a still silence. The wind wasn’t howling and there wasn’t a chill in the air anymore. It felt good. It felt nice to feel that the storm had passed.
When I reached up to touch my dress, I noticed that it was still wet and sighed sadly, shaking my head back and forth. I decided to take advantage of the dry weather and hang my dress on a few branches, hoping the sunlight would dry them. In the meantime, I went down to the river to wash my hair and my face. It always felt good to get clean and the water tasted amazing. I hadn’t realized how long I’d gone without drinking.
I sat up and sighed, enjoying the refreshed feeling that was coming over me. I stood up and turned to clean up my campsite and get my dress when I saw two men on horseback approaching my camp. My eyes widened and I cursed under my breath, running away from the camp that I’d worked so hard to set up.
There was a tree large enough for me to hide behind and I knew it was my only option until the men left. I clapped a hand over my mouth and squeezed my eyes closed. My heart was racing and while I could hear it in my ears it didn’t block out the men just a few feet away from me.
“There’s a woman here,” a gruff voice said.
“A naked one,” a second voice chimed in.
The tone of their voice told me exactly what they were after and what was on their mind. Neither of them said anything after that, but I could imagine they were thinking. I was determined not to let anything like that happen to me ever again. I glanced around the tree to see where they were and took a deep breath, my eyes fluttering closed for a moment.
When they turned their backs to me I bolted for the river, determined to make it across. My bare foot caught a rock and it sliced it open. I screamed on instinct, drawing the attention of the men as I tumbled into the river.
“There she is!” one of them called.
I managed to grab rocks and pull myself up, fighting against the current and ignoring the stinging of the cuts on my hand. The water licked at my knees, making it difficult to make it across. I somehow managed to make it across and when my feet hit the soft earth, I took off running.
Even though I was moving as fast as I could, I didn’t stand a chance. The men were right behind me and one of them reached out, grabbing the back of my dress. The fabric tore as I fell forward, but the taller of the men caught me and pulled me back up to my feet. The shorter one was grinning brightly.
“A pretty lady like you shouldn’t be left out here all alone.”
“I-I’m not!” I said quickly. Maybe I could scare them away if they thought I had a man with me.
“Tsk, tsk. That lie isn’t going to work now, pretty lady. We saw your campsite. It’s just you,” Tall Man said with a wicked grin.
My heart dropped into my belly and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. “Please…Please don’t do this,” I pleaded as the men began to tie my wrists behind my back. “Please just leave me alone.”
“Women shouldn’t be out here alone. You need to learn your lesson,” Short Man growled.
I screamed and started to struggle against the ropes, trying to pull away. Short Man pulled a long hunting knife out of his belt and he held it to my neck. The blade bit into my skin just enough to show me that they meant business.
“Don’t move.”
I swallowed and stiffened, but did as I was told. I wanted to make it out of this alive. “Good girl.”
Just as the tall man started to pull the back of my dress a gunshot echoed through the woods, and then a familiar voice broke the silence.
“What do you think you’re doing to her?”
Tall Man turned to face Robert, his eyes narrowing. “This doesn’t concern you, Preach.”
It was at that moment that I realized who the tall man was. It was the man who Robert had saved me from on the very first day. I hadn’t seen him since then so I didn’t remember what he looked like.
“Oh the contrary,” Robert murmured, cocking his gun again. “This certainly does concern me. That’s my wife.”
Michael’s eyes widened a little and he took a step back, glaring a little. “Liar,” He murmured.
“You’re smarter than this Michael. I see you have no weapons.”
“We got a knife at this woman’s throat!”
“You hurt her and I’m going to put a bullet through your skull.”
My eyes widened just a little. I’d never seen Robert like this. Michael hesitated and snapped his fingers. “Let her go, John.”
John, the shorter man, frowned but stepped away from me. The second John was a good foot away from me I pushed him aside and ran to Robert, burying my face in his chest, smearing blood on his shirt, though he didn’t seem to mind. Robert still had the gun pointed at the two men.
“Gentleman…Keep in mind, it is not me you have to worry about. God will get his redemption.”
The men stiffened but turned and started back towards their horses. Robert stayed where he was, gun cocked and ready until they were clearly gone. Once we were surrounded by silence, he wrapped both of his arms around me and the worry managed to leak into his voice.
“Oh, God, Gemma. I was so worried. Are you okay?” He whispered, cradling my head to his shoulder.
I let out a soft sob and wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him desperately. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m okay, I’m alright!” I sobbed, closing my eyes as the tears started to pour down my cheeks.
He stroked my hair and held me close. “Why did you run? What were you doing alone out here?” He begged, looking at me with wide, worried eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry!” I choked, hiding my face in his neck.
“Just tell me why, darling. Tell me what is going on.”
“I-I was afraid you’d find out!”
“Find out what?” He whispered, stroking my ha
ir.
I didn’t want to tell him. Even now I had the urge to lie, but I knew it couldn’t continue like this. “Before I came here, I was--,” I swallowed thickly. “I was a prostitute.”
Robert pulled back and he frowned, cupping my cheek. “Why were you afraid to tell me?”
“Because I felt like it made me unlovable! How could you love a woman who sold her body!”
He pulled me closer and sighed. “Silly girl. That doesn’t change how I feel about you. I fell in love with you. God brought you to me for a reason and I couldn’t possibly turn you away,” he said, stroking my hair, “your past should stay there, in the past.”
I felt my heart swell with adoration and I collapsed in his arms, sobbing desperately. He held me until the tears finally stopped. When he pulled away he looked down at me and fished in his pocket, offering me the ring again.
“Have you had enough time to think about it?”
I threw myself at him and nodded, pressing my lips to his, letting out a little whimper. “Yes. Yes, I have. I want to be your wife, Robert.”
He just smiled into the kiss and slowly slipped the ring onto my finger, and in that moment my life felt complete.
Chapter 9
That day was the beginning of the rest of my life. Robert and I were married shortly after the incident, and just like he promised, my past never caused any strife in our relationship. Robert was offering me what I’d wanted my entire life. He was allowing me to leave all of that bad stuff in my past. It was never even brought up again.
The incident left me a bit shaken, but also made me realize I never wanted to be that helpless again. Robert found a few men in town who were willing to teach me how to shoot and fight with a knife. Over the course of the next year, I became one of St. Louis’ best marksmen and Robert was more than proud of me.
I ended up joining the Sheriff’s volunteer brigade and within a short time I managed to bring in the two men who’d tried to take advantage of me. Getting justice on my own terms was one of the most empowering things I’d ever experienced. I encouraged other women to learn to fight, wanting them to feel the same kind of empowerment I had felt.
