Well, not just her, but, damn, if it didn't feel like it.
Teagan dropped the cardigan from her shoulders, letting it hit the floor. She wiggled out of her sweatpants, leaving her in only a leotard and leggings, plus her dance shoes. These items were her second skin in many ways. She felt bare on stage, naked and vulnerable in a way that thrilled her and terrified her all at once. The tight fabric encased her, but it also stripped her of everything—her safety, her defenses, her excuses. She shed everything on stage when she danced, and it had led her to this moment.
Laid bare on this stage.
On her phone, she turned on the songs she’d be dancing to in the show and placed the phone on the stage. As it started, she moved with the melody. She pranced and paused and played with every lyrically beautiful, and yet, amusing, note to the famous songs.
She'd only been in New York City for a few hours, and yet the stage was the first place she'd come. Her suitcases were still sitting in the wings right next to Benson’s cat carrier. He was fast asleep and didn’t even seem to care about the cross-country trip he’d just been on. Her landlord was probably waiting for her, too, but she didn't care. This was a moment she'd waited for all her life, and now that she was here, she couldn't hold back.
Tears brimmed her lashes, but they were so different from the tears she'd been shedding lately. Those were heartbreak and disappointment…those were Reed's. But these? These tears were joy and freedom, and they were all hers.
Teagan leaped across the stage, coming to the big finish as the music reached a crescendo. When it did, and she landed back on her feet, she fell into a heap on the stage floor. She lay back and stared at the lights and walkways above her. Just stared.
It felt familiar, like it belonged and she belonged right there below it.
Like she was finally home.
Her cell phone interrupted her thoughts, ringing loudly through the empty theatre.
Teagan reached over and grabbed it, holding it to her ear. "Hello?"
"Did you get there safely?" Simone was on the other end.
Teagan smiled at her sister's concern. "I did. Simmy, it's beautiful."
"Oh, shit. You're never coming home."
She didn't reply right away, because honestly…she couldn't imagine leaving.
"Wait, did you seriously fall in love with New York that quickly?" Simone asked.
"It's magical, Simmy. The stage, the lights—the theatre is practically made of gold. Then outside, the streets, the people, the energy in the air…" Teagan sighed, dreamily continuing to stare up at the lights above her. "It's everything I am."
Simone chuckled. "Well, I'm glad you're happy. I'm going to miss you like crazy, though."
"Come visit soon!" Teagan offered. "From what I was told, my apartment is even smaller than the last one, so we'll have to spoon."
Simone laughed. "Cuddling is my specialty."
"I should probably go get my keys."
"You haven't moved in yet?" Simone asked. "Where are you?"
Teagan smiled, sitting up and looking out on the hundreds of empty seats in front of her. "I'm in the theatre. I just needed to see it."
"You always were a sentimental nut," Simone replied, chuckling again. "Well, I'll let you go lick the stage floor or whatever it is you're doing. Mom says to call her."
"Will do," Teagan replied. "Bye, love."
They cut the phone connection and Teagan stood and pulled on her sweatpants and cardigan, tucking the phone in her pocket. She walked to the very edge of the stage and looked down into the orchestra pit then back out onto the balconies. Inhaling slowly, she said a small prayer for her future performances—and for her future.
Chapter Twenty-Three
"I think that was our best performance yet," Betty, one of her co-stars, said as she carefully wiped away her stage makeup in the dressing room mirror. "Shit, this stuff is so hard to come off."
Teagan laughed, trying to wipe off her own stripes and whiskers that made her look like Jennyanydots, the cat. "This job is going to end up destroying my skin," she kidded, though it wasn't entirely far-fetched with the amount of makeup they wore daily. Eight shows a week would probably end up turning her into a zombie, but she didn't care one bit.
Spending the last month on Broadway had been one of the best experiences of her life, and it felt like everything was coming together just as it was falling apart. She hadn't spoken to Reed, but she'd seen from the papers that he was out of jail. It didn't really matter anyway, since she was across the country now, and she had zero plans to return anytime soon.
This was where she was meant to be, and for the first time in her life, she felt like she belonged. She'd loved Los Angeles, and she missed her family more than she could put into words, but something about the Big Apple spoke to her soul in a way that felt like home. Sure, she'd still visit from time to time, but she could already feel herself putting down anchors here in the big city.
Then there was her job. Being on stage every night, dancing and singing? It was her dream—eight years late, but it tasted just as sweet. Looking back on it now, she couldn't believe she'd once so willingly given this up for a man—even if that man had been the love of her life.
If it wasn't so embarrassing and pitiful, she'd laugh at her own stupidity. Especially since even with all she’d given up for him, he’d left anyway. It may have been a miscommunication, but he still left. He left her. Then, he'd swung back into her life with those green eyes and olive skin and perfect hair, and she'd opened her arms like it had never happened. She should have been more discerning, more unforgiving. She should have told him to get the hell away from her and never looked back.
She should have seen that a man who leaves once will leave again.
But despite her foolish forgiveness and their brief fling, she still came out on top. He was in the tabloids and fresh out of jail, and she was on Broadway living out her dreams. Nothing was going to make her lose this job, not if she had anything to say about it.
"Anything for Broadway," Betty sung theatrically, dancing over to the lockers and pulling out her regular street clothes. She began changing into them. "You work your whole life to get here, and then you lose the rest of your life to it."
"And there's nothing better," Teagan finished.
Betty nodded, smiling wide. She finished changing and began pulling her hair out of the pins it had been in under her wig. "You're damn right."
Teagan lifted her shirt over her head, finished wiping off her makeup, and headed to her own locker to grab her clothes.
"Ahem," a voice came from the doorway to the dressing room, then a small knock on the open door. "Teagan?"
She whirled around to see Reed standing there, averting his eyes from her half-unclothed body. "Reed? What are you doing here?"
"Can we talk?" he asked, not moving from the doorway.
Betty glanced between the two of them and then looked back at her. "Should I go? I can stay. Or go? I don't know what to do right now."
Teagan chewed on the edge other lips. "Could you give us a minute?" she finally asked.
Betty nodded and sidled up to her. "If you need anything, shout." Then she lowered her voice into a whisper. "He's hot!"
Teagan blushed, ignoring Betty as she slipped out the door past Reed.
Reed walked further into the room and closed the door behind him.
She went about finishing changing and unpinning her hair as well. "What are you doing here, Reed?"
"I thought we should talk."
She lifted one brow, pulling out the last of her pins in the mirror. "Did you? Interesting, because I would have thought so, too. A month ago."
"Teagan, can you pause for a minute?" He walked up behind her and placed his hands on her upper arms. "I want to talk."
She stared at his reflection in the mirror, letting down the last pin from her hair. Slowly, she turned around and faced him. There was barely any distance between them, and she became aware of her chest beginning t
o rise and fall, faster and faster. Deciding for a safer distance, she slipped around him and put a few feet between them.
"What do you want to talk about, Reed?"
He looked like he had so much to say, but he couldn’t figure out where to start. “You left. You never even said goodbye, Teagan.”
“You’re mad?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Did you seriously fly cross country to lecture me on goodbye etiquette?”
He paused, inhaling deeply. “No. I didn’t. That doesn’t mean we didn’t deserve a goodbye. Is this it? Are we just over?”
“I got a job in New York, and you went to jail,” she reminded him. If he thought he could come here and scold her, he was going to have another thing coming. “It’s not exactly the foundation for a relationship, Reed.”
“Fuck. I’m messing all this up. None of this is what I wanted to say.” He pushed his hands into his pockets and looked up at her under his long lashes. "I'm sorry. That’s what I came here to say. I’m so sorry, Teagan."
She swallowed, trying to figure out how to process those words coming from him. Something she wished she'd heard from him for years. "You're…you're sorry?"
He nodded. "I think it's overdue, don't you? That I apologize?"
"Depends." She crossed her arms over her chest. "What are you apologizing for?"
Reed inhaled slowly then blew it out in one long exhale. "Well, most recently, for standing you up. For going to jail. For disappearing on you last month. I was in such a bad place that night, and then when I got to the bar…I was just on edge. The paps were there, and I just exploded. There's no excuse for it."
She furrowed her brows. "You weren't already drunk and partying?"
"I’d already been drinking on my own,” he admitted. "So, it's not much better."
Teagan appreciated his honesty, and he was right—it didn't make it better.
"But, more than that, I'm sorry for eight years ago. I'm sorry for leaving you at the altar, and for not being there when you were hurt. That accident—it was my fault." Reed's voice cracked at the end. "I'm so fucking sorry that I let that happen, and you shouldn't forgive me. You should never forgive me for taking away so much from you." His face was twisted in so much pain and grief, that Teagan was caught off guard. "I promise you, I'll never forgive myself."
"Reed…" Teagan took a step toward him, placing her hand on his forearm. "I never blamed you for that accident. Not once."
He didn't look at her, but she could see the tears brimming his eyes. "You should."
"But I don't," she repeated. "I chose to get in that car. I chose not to take a moment to compose myself, or call a car, or have someone else drive me. Those were my decisions."
She stepped a little closer, this time taking his hand in hers. It was hard to stay angry or hurt when she could see how emotional he was about everything. He was being so vulnerable, so authentic…so raw. She couldn't add to his pain, and it was the truth. She never did blame him for her accident.
"The only things I hated you for was leaving me at the altar, and for not being there when I needed you." Teagan swallowed hard. "You didn't put me in that hospital bed, but you also never visited me. Not once."
"I didn't know. I swear, if I'd known…" Reed bit his bottom lip. "Nothing could have kept me away."
"You chose not to know, Reed. You disappeared. You didn't check in on me, or anyone. You left our friends and family behind, and you just…you started over." Teagan squeezed his hand. "You could have known."
He didn't say anything, but she could see him mulling it over in his mind. "You're right. I could have found out. I could have checked in."
"Why didn't you?" She wasn't sure she actually wanted to know the answer, but it had been eating away at her for years. She couldn't fathom having been a part of someone's life every day for years, been in love, and then just…vanish. Start over with a new life. How could anyone do that to another person—or themselves?
She paused at the realization that maybe she’d just done the same thing. Had it been that easy to leave and chase her dreams? She wanted to believe that she’d have checked in on him, made sure he was okay…but she wasn’t sure.
Reed ran his thumb across the back of her hand. "I thought I couldn't handle it. I thought if I spoke to you, or saw you, or even heard anything about you, I'd come running back."
Teagan's heart ached at the thought, and how familiar it felt. "Would that have been such a bad thing?"
"Looking back? Definitely not," he replied. "But at the time, I thought I was the road block standing between you and your future. I saw us both settling for a life in the suburbs with a white picket fence. With your talent, dreams…you deserve more than that."
Teagan let go of his hand, crossing her arms over her chest. "Bullshit."
"What?" He looked confused.
"That may be the reason you told yourself. Hell, it may even be true." Teagan wasn't about to let him fall on his martyrdom sword, not when she knew exactly what it felt like to chase her dreams over a relationship. "Did I have dreams? Sure. But would I have been happy with the white picket fence? If you were there, yes. I would have been the happiest woman alive. The rest would have figured itself out."
"Teagan…"
"No, let me finish," Teagan interrupted him, wagging her index finger. "You wouldn't have been happy with the white picket fence, and you saw settling down with me as losing your dreams. Don't play the martyr when there were just as many selfish reasons for what you did."
Reed looked startled and taken aback at her words. He didn't reply at first, leaning back against the makeup counter, as if to steady himself. Finally, he nodded his head slowly. "I think you might be right, but, fuck, that's hard to hear."
Teagan let her gaze drop, fiddling with a loose thread on her sweater.
"A part of me," Reed continued softly, "maybe a bigger part than I'd like to admit, saw marriage as the end game. We were so young, and our lives had barely started. There was so much I still wanted—fame, fortune, my acting career—and as shallow as that sounds, it was what was important to me back then."
She exhaled slowly, more relieved than she thought she would be to hear his admission.
"But, Teagan, I was an idiot. My priorities were incredibly off kilter, and that's what I admire you most for. You've never strayed from your values. You've always known who you are and what you wanted from life, and you went for it. But not once did you hurt other people to get it." Reed shook his head, a pain expression on his face again. "I wish I could say the same."
Teagan sighed, frustrated that he kept seeing her as some angelic being that she just wasn’t. She was as flawed and human as he was. “I’m not some perfect princess, Reed. I left you to come here—remember?”
“It’s not the same.” Reed shook his head. “We were getting married, and I left. I was in jail, and you left. Can’t compare the two.”
That was kind of true. Teagan rubbed her hand up and down her opposite forearm. "Well, it's not too late, Reed. It's not too late to be this better person you're talking about. If that's who you want to be, you can."
He raised his gaze to find hers, those green eyes piercing through her. "And for us? Is it too late for us?"
She didn't want to answer that, but the little voice in the back of her head already seemed to know the answer. Slowly, Teagan nodded her head. "So much has happened, Reed. I just…I don’t see how. I’m here now. My life is here. And you? You’ve got a lot to figure out."
Reed looked crestfallen, but not surprised. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. "You’re right. I do. I'm sorry, Teag."
"I know you are," she replied, closing the gap between them again. She wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a tight hug.
Reed's arms circled her waist, pulling her into his body and burying his face in her neck. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, this time his voice cracking. "I should have been there. I should have been the man you deserved."
She hugged him tighter, ru
bbing his back. "You will be one day. For someone."
"For you," Reed said, pulling away just enough to look her in the eyes. His were rimmed red, and his jaw was set. "I know we’re in different places in our lives right now, but that’s temporary.”
"Reed…"
He shook his head, pulling her tighter against his body. "No. It's my turn to talk. I made a mistake once. Hell, a million times. But falling in love with you? That's the only thing I've ever done right." Reed slid his hand behind her head and kissed her softly. "If I have to, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to become the man you deserve."
Teagan's chest throbbed, as if she could actually feel her heart breaking as they kissed. She let him pull her closer, their tongues dancing as they kissed passionately. It was both a goodbye and a declaration of love all in one.
Sliding her hands down his chest, she moved to his belt buckle and began pulling at it. There was a desperation building inside her, and she suddenly needed him now more than ever—even if it was their last time. "Reed…"
He growled against her neck, nipping her skin as he helped her release his cock from his pants. Reed grabbed her by her hips, lifting her against him. She wrapped her legs around him and let him carry her to the long, velvet couch to one end of the dressing room. The moment her back hit the cushions, she was wiggling out of her skirt. He climbed between her legs and pressed inside her almost immediately.
Teagan groaned and arched her back, curling into his brick-wall-like chest. "Oh, God."
"Fuck, Teag," he whispered huskily in her ear. "You're so wet."
She lifted her hips to meet his, moving in rhythm with his thrusts. There was no way she could even focus on why she was doing this right now, but all she knew was that the sadness was too much. It was too painful, and for just a few minutes, she wanted to feel good. She wanted them to make each other feel good—take from each other one last time before the door on their love closed for good.
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