By the time Slade opened the door and stepped into the kitchen, my nerves were completely shot. I’d rattled myself up to the point that my heart beat madly in my chest, and my hands broke out in a sweat.
Lucy broke the tension building inside me when she planted herself in front of him and crooned her doggy impersonation of hello. I used those precious seconds to collect myself and set my mind on what was in front of me.
I laid the bacon strips on the cookie sheet, slid it in the oven, and then set the timer. Thumbing open a carton of eggs, I berated myself for getting so worked up. I hadn’t felt that way earlier at the hospital. Hadn’t in the truck either.
Why am I freaking out now? I didn’t then. Because other people were around? They were a buffer between us. There’s no buffer now.
“All right, all right… you aren’t the only girl needing my attention. Go finish your dinner.” Slade chuckled as he hung his keys up on the hook by the door.
His arms came around me, pulling me against his chest. “Breakfast for dinner?”
And there it was. The reason I hadn’t freaked earlier when we were alone in the truck. Slade’s touch kept it all at bay. In his arms, the nervousness turned to excitement. The jitters turned into lust. When he took away the space between us, he also took away the awkwardness, proving all along I was right about him. He was it for me. The one I’d been searching for. Holding on to him would be something altogether different, though.
I didn’t want to think about that. Couldn’t think about it. Pushing it to the back of my mind, I slammed the door on the intrusive thought.
“It will be as soon as you let me go so I can whip up these eggs. Eeek…” I squeaked when he kissed my neck and then nipped it.
“Well, now, see we have a problem. I don’t plan on letting you go any time soon, so you’re just gonna have to get used to doing things with my arms around you.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m not sure that would work for either of us.”
He brought his hands up, cupping my breasts. “Works just fine for me.”
I let my head fall back on his shoulder with something close to a groan.
I could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest. The erratic beat of his heart mimicking mine. Feel the unmistakable bulge pressed against my backside. His hands squeezed and released as he pressed himself harder against me until I was sandwiched between him and the counter.
I shuddered when his hips rocked into me. Need clawed away everything until I pushed back against him and turned in his arms. Our hands bumped in desperate movements as we went for the button of his pants at the same time.
Teeth bumped against teeth as we fought for control over each kiss.
He broke off, panting against my mouth as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. As soon as he tossed it on the counter, his lips sought mine. His hands were busy pushing my jeans down my hips, while I toed off my shoes, kicking them out of the way. As I stepped out of the pool of denim at my feet, Slade pushed his jeans down, rolled a condom on, and then lifted me off my feet.
Like a butterfly pinned to a corkboard, he had me at his mercy. I locked my legs around his waist as his hands cupped my backside, moving us in a rhythm that made stars burst behind my eyelids. He hissed passion-filled words as his teeth nipped at my lips before soothing them with a powerful kiss.
I trembled, head falling back when everything inside me swirled and twisted. Slade felt it, gripped me tighter, and pushed as deep as he could, rocking me against him hard enough to start a fire.
“Let go, Gracen. I want to see what it is I do to you.”
I shattered. His chest heaved against mine as he stilled, feeling my body clench around him. The aftershocks rippling through me rolled on and on. He sucked in a sharp breath, hips moving slow as he said my name.
When my eyes fluttered open, his hips set a rapid pace, plunging him headlong into a release that threatened to buckle his knees.
Slade’s head rested against mine. He sucked in air as if he’d run a marathon, his hands letting go of their firm grip on my backside. When my feet touched the floor, I swayed into him. His lips captured mine in slow, languorous kisses.
Chapter 8
Slade
I was out of time. My bags were packed. My house all but barren.
Uncle Joe had made it through his surgery. Aunt Betty was back. Lex wouldn’t be without help.
I should have been on the road to Montana, not shuffling my feet outside Buxby’s stall. I’d given my word. But how was I supposed to fulfill it when everything inside me screamed to stay? There was no guarantee Uncle Joe would be fit enough to help Lex run the ranch. Lex and Uncle Joe had kept the severity of Uncle Joe’s heart attack to themselves. Even the doctor wouldn’t talk about it around me. It had to have been bad for Uncle Joe to ask for Aunt Betty. He’d gone years without seeing her. Hell, I thought they’d written one another off after she left.
I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had to figure out what the hell I was going to do. Leave? Stay? If I left, would Gracen come with me like I’d asked?
Yanking my hat off my head, I slapped it against my leg. If only I would have talked to Gracen before I’d decided taking off was easier than suffering without her.
Like I’d called her up just by mere thought alone, she appeared right outside the barn. Early morning sunlight illuminated her hair, making it look like strands of shimmering gold.
Buxby shifted, bobbing his head when he caught Gracen’s scent. She moved in next to me and scratched him between his eyes.
“You always come out here with the horses when you need to think.” She didn’t take her eyes off Buxby as she spoke.
Gracen might not have access to my inner thoughts, but she’d always had some sort of sixth sense when it came to me. Even as kids, she always seemed to be able to tell when I needed to talk. I’d been honest with her all but once, which was when I’d made the decision to go to Montana. I’d given her all the halfhearted reasons why I’d wanted to leave, but never the main one. Had I come to the barn in the hopes it would draw her to me? To force myself to make the decision weighing on my shoulders? Everything between us had shifted. Changed. I’d kicked all my insecurities to the side the night we went to the cabin. And I’d done it without thinking of the consequences. Without the fear that always held me back when it came to Gracen. Partly because it had eaten away at me for so long… the want of her. I was a glutton for punishment by keeping my feelings from her, wishing one day she’d turn to me and I’d see it in her eyes. The same want. The biggest push, what had made me throw all caution to the wind, was seeing her reaction to Clint. Jealously. Jealousy had flipped a switch inside me. All the reasons why hadn’t mattered anymore.
I put my hand out. “Walk with me?”
“What about the horses?” Her eyebrows pulled into a V as she patted Buxby’s jaw.
“Clint should be down here soon to take care of them.”
She shifted on her feet and crossed her arms, pulling them tight against herself. “Why does it feel like everything is changing so fast?”
It was my fault she felt that way, and it shriveled something up inside me as I watched her pull way into herself because of it. It was my fault Clint was brought on to replace me. My fault she felt so insecure about us.
I pulled her into my arms and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry.”
She tugged her arms free, wrapping them around me and putting her head on my shoulder. “I don’t want you to be sorry, Slade. I just want you to be happy. That’s what’s bothering you. I can tell. Will you talk to me about it? Will you tell me what brought you out here and how I can help you work through whatever it is?”
I sighed deeply. It was time to lay all my cards on the table. Time to tell her everything.
She jerked back. “It’s me… you’re beating yourself up over me, aren’t you?”
“No,” I said, trying to catch her hands in mine.
She shook
her head and tried to brush past me.
I caught her arm, halting her, but she wouldn’t turn around and face me. “Damn it, Gracen, will you please hear me out?”
“Should I come back in a little bit?” Clint’s voice called out, jerking us apart.
“No, we were just leaving,” I answered as Gracen used that same moment to make a quick exit.
I followed behind her at a slower pace, words jamming in my throat as I tried to make sense of what had upset her.
She cleared her front door minutes before me. When I made it inside, Lucy danced around my feet, tail wagging. I gave her a quick scratch, listening for Gracen.
The shower kicked on upstairs, a soft rattle coming from the old copper piping. I took my time going up the stairs. It always took a minute for the hot water to make its way up to the second-floor bathroom. And if I had any chance at all to talk to Gracen without her running away, it would be once she was in the shower.
I paused at the top of the stairs, waiting for the sound of water sluicing off her body. As soon as I heard it, I walked into Gracen’s room, toed off my boots, and then stepped into the bathroom.
Her silhouette in the shower curtain broke my heart. The sob that broke from her damn near buckled me. I didn’t think about much after that as I moved the curtain and stepped into the tub without taking the rest of my clothes off.
She gasped, turning her back to me. “What are you doing?”
“When you were seven, you went over the handlebars of your bike and busted your lip. Do you remember that?” I asked, fighting to keep my hands at my sides.
Her shoulders hunched forward. “I’m not in the mood to walk down memory lane right now, Slade.”
“You were so mad when Lex laughed at you that you cried.”
“I was embarrassed.”
“I know.” I dipped my head, remembering all too clearly how angry it made me to see her cry while Lex laughed at her.
She chuckled. “You helped me up and dusted my knees off. And the whole time, Lex just stood there, hurling insults and laughing. I don’t know who was angrier, you or me. But you crossed the yard, hauled your fist back, and gave him a matching busted lip.”
“He cried like a baby and ran inside. I always had your back, Gracen. Always tried to be everything you needed. That hasn’t changed. You’ve been my best friend for most of my life. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”
“Slade…” My name came out on a sigh. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it. We got caught up in a moment, and maybe we went too far. Maybe both of us were grasping at something to hold tight to because our worlds are shifting past our comfort zones.”
“Gracen, I…”
She turned then, eyes searching mine. “I’m serious. If you weren’t leaving for Montana, would this have happened between us? I wouldn’t have made that move. I know I’m not the one for you. I never have been, or it would have happened long before you decided to leave. Maybe that’s what it is… we’re afraid of losing each other and the only way to not do that was by clinging harder.”
“Gracen, I can’t lose you. I can’t walk away and leave you behind. Can you tell me I don’t mean anything to you? Can you deny what we have right now?” I cupped her face in my hand, begging her to look deep enough into my eyes to see all the way down into my heart.
“But that’s the thing. You never would have lost me. I’ve always been right here. I’ll always be right here. You need to do what’s right for you. Not me. Not Lex. Not the ranch. You.”
“But what if that’s you?” I closed my eyes, forcing myself to keep calm.
“And what if it’s not?” Her question made my heart shrivel inside my chest.
The ache I felt in my soul gave way to bubbling anger. “So you’re basing this… us, off some ideal notion of finding ‘the right one’?” I jabbed my fingers in the air, quoting her.
She flinched. “That’s not fair.”
“Not fair? Are you kidding me right now? I’ll tell you what’s not fair. It’s not fair that somewhere in your mind, you have this notion… this idea of how love is supposed to work, and when it doesn’t fall into place, like you’ve set your mind that it should, you run away. You do that because you haven’t allowed yourself to let go of what you think and just let things happen.”
“Like you’ve just let things happen? I’m not the only broken one here. Have you taken a hard look at your relationships? You run just as quick as I do. And why? Because you haven’t found the right one either. Don’t stand here and give me hell over the same things you’ve done.” Twin patches of red blazed along her cheeks as she yelled at me.
It felt as if she’d just given me the scolding of a lifetime. I wanted to storm off, to throw my hands up in the air. But I couldn’t do that. I needed to see it all the way through with her. “What will it take to get you to open your eyes a little and try to step outside your preconceived notions of what love should or shouldn’t be?”
She hitched her shoulder, shuddering when the air around us cooled as the hot water ran out. “I’m not the blind one here.”
“What the hell does that even mean?” I asked, reaching past her to turn the water off.
She snatched the shower curtain open and reached for a towel. “It means that I don’t think I’m the one for you. The sooner you realize that, the easier it will be on both of us.”
I couldn’t breathe past the sound of her denial. Couldn’t move from the cold tile of the shower to follow her out of the bathroom and tell her all the reasons why I thought she was wrong. She wouldn’t listen to me anyway. She’d made up her mind. I wasn’t the one for her, no matter how much I wanted to be. No matter how many ways I tried to prove it to her. I’d never be what she was looking for. And I’d ruined it all by trying to be more than her friend.
Gracen came back into the bathroom fully dressed and tossed a towel at me. I caught it by reflex, holding it against my chest.
“So that’s it…” My question came out more like a statement since I didn’t seem to have the ability to fight for what I wanted.
Her hands clenched at her sides, she nodded with her eyes cast down and left the bathroom.
I didn’t move until her car started up and drove away.
“You’re leaving?” Lex looked poleaxed.
“You have Clint now, and I have a job to get to. Uncle Joe is on the mend, and Aunt Betty’s here to help take care of him,” I answered.
After Gracen took off, I realized there really wasn’t anything left for me at the ranch. I could have waited for her to come home. Could have dogged her steps and fought her at every turn. None of it would have made a difference. In fact, if I tried that, I’d push her away even further. It was bad enough knowing I’d screwed up our friendship by sleeping with her.
“Why? I thought after we talked at the hospital, you’d stay.” Lex cocked his head, trying to get a read on me.
I shook mine, telling him without words I wasn’t going to explain myself. “I’ll call you next week. Once I get settled in.”
Lex followed me out the door of the big house, watching as I climbed behind the wheel of my truck and drove off. He picked his hand up in a wave when I stuck my arm out and beeped the horn in farewell.
I felt terrible not telling Uncle Joe and Aunt Betty goodbye, but I didn’t have it in me. The minute I did, they’d hammer at me with questions until I was forced to admit I was running away with my broken heart trailing behind me.
Eventually, I’d break down and call Gracen. I hoped to God I hadn’t lost her completely.
Chapter 9
Gracen
I stared stupidly at Lex. “What do you mean he’s gone? Gone where?”
Lex sat behind his desk, elbows resting on the arms of his chair with his fingers linked except for the first two. Those he tapped against his lips. Lines of worry bracketed both his mouth and eyes as he stared back at me.
A rush of panic clawed at my chest as my face heated. Lex wou
ld see the blotches, and then I wouldn’t be able to hide. Would he wonder, or did he already know?
I remained mute, waiting for him to answer me.
His chair creaked as he dropped his hands from his face and shifted his elbows from the chair to the desk. One eye squinted slightly and he asked, “He didn’t say anything to you? Anything at all?”
“No.” The word came out on an exhale.
Lex looked away, staring out the window as he spoke. “He left for Montana. I asked him to stay here when we were at the hospital waiting on news about Uncle Joe’s surgery. What is it about Montana? Why there?”
I shook my head. I didn’t have any answers for him because I’d asked myself that same question to the point of driving myself crazy after Slade told me about it.
“Did something happen with you two?”
“Hey boss, I hope I’m not interrupting,” Clint said, knocking on the doorframe and stepping into the office before Lex answered.
I used his interruption to make my escape, pausing only long enough to say, “Let me know if you hear from him.”
Tears pooled in my eyes, blurring each pain-filled step I took as I crossed the yard. Once inside my house, I snatched my phone up with hands that shook so bad I almost dropped it. I wanted to call him and ask him what the hell he was doing. Wanted to text him and ask him why. I did neither. Instead, I tossed the phone on the table, disgusted with myself. Disgusted with him.
How could he leave without saying a word?
Lucy barked, so I let her in. She danced around my feet and then trotted over to the front door, sniffing like a bloodhound.
“He’s not coming.” The words tumbled from my trembling lips as I put my hand against the wall, using it to help me to the floor because my legs wouldn’t hold me anymore. Lucy’s wet nose poked at my hands, doing the same to my face when I didn’t give in and scratch her.
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