by Nora Roberts
“It wasn’t like that.” It appalled him that she should think so. “Of course I think you’re beautiful.”
“Now who’s pathetic?” she snapped back.
“If I didn’t think about romance, it was because things got confused so fast.” That was a lie, and he knew it. Yet he wondered why he was defending himself, why he felt such panic at the steely, disinterested look she sent him, when he’d been so hell-bent on pushing her away. “I can’t give you what you need.”
“That’s very clear. I’m better off without you. That’s very clear, too. So, we’ll do just as you suggested. We’ll forget it.”
He put a hand on her arm as she started to walk out. “Fred, wait a minute.”
“Don’t touch me,” she said, in such a low, furious voice that his fingers dropped. “We’ll finish our commitment to the musical. And we’ll make polite conversation around the family. Other than that, I don’t want to see you.”
“You live three damn blocks away,” he called after her.
“That can be changed.”
“Running home after all?”
She shot one frigid look over her shoulder. “Not on your life.”
He thought about getting drunk. It was an easy escape, and would hurt no one but him. But he just couldn’t work up any enthusiasm for it.
He got through the night, though he didn’t sleep. The music he tried to write in the dawn hours was flat and empty.
He’d done what he needed to do, he told himself. So why was he so miserable?
She’d had no right to attack him. Not after she told him that everything that had happened since she’d come to New York was part of some plot. He was the victim here, and still he’d done his best to protect her in the end.
Imagine him, married, trying to raise kids. He snorted, then dropped into a chair, because the whole picture was suddenly so appealing.
Insane maybe, he mused, but appealing. A family of his own, a woman who loved him. Surely that was insane.
Insane or not, it was hopeless now. The woman who had walked out the day before didn’t love him. All she felt for him was disdain.
Saw to that, didn’t you, LeBeck? You idiot.
He’d had a shot. It was all so clear, now that it was over. He’d had a chance to love and be loved, to make a life with the only woman who had ever really meant anything to him.
How could he have been so stupid, so blind? It had always been her. If he had good news, she was the first one he wanted to share it with. If he was down, he knew it would only take her voice over the phone to bring him up again.
Friends. He supposed that was what had thrown him all along. They’d been friends. And when he felt more than friendship for her, he’d tried to block it, ignore it, deny it. He’d used every excuse available to hide the real one.
He hadn’t believed he deserved her.
Even when their relationship changed, he’d held part of himself back. She’d been right. He’d never given her soft words. He’d never shared the reins of courtship.
Now he’d lost her.
He let his head fall back, closed his eyes. She was better off without him. He was sure of that. Had been sure.
The knock on the door had him springing up. She’d come back, was all he could think.
All the pleasure died from his face when he saw Rachel.
“Well, that’s quite a greeting.”
“Sorry.” Dutifully he pecked her cheek. “I was… Nothing. What you are doing here?”
“Paying you a visit. I don’t have to be in court for another couple of hours.” She walked over to a chair, sat, gestured to another. “Sit down, Nick. I want to talk to you.”
It was her lawyer’s voice that put him on guard. “What’s the problem?”
“You are, I believe. Sit.” When he did, she laid a hand on his. “I love you.”
“Yeah, I know. So?”
“I just wanted to get that out of the way, so I can tell you what an absolute jerk you are.” The hand that had rested so gently over his balled into a fist and rapped his shoulder. “What a stupid, idiotic, inconsiderate, blind male boob you are.”
“What’s the deal?” he said between clenched teeth, as she’d squarely hit a spot that was still raw from Reece. He supposed he deserved the pain.
“I stayed with Freddie last night. She didn’t want me to, but we ganged up on her.”
“Oh.” He let out a careful breath. “So how is she?”
“As far as the attack on her, she’s holding up. As far as your attack, she’s pretty hurt.”
“Hold on. I didn’t attack her.”
“Objection overruled. I pried most of what happened out of her. It’s bad enough that you’ve broken her heart, Nick, but to mess up your own life while you were at it takes real skill.”
His defense mechanism clicked in before he could stop it. “Look, we slept together a few times. I realized it was a mistake and put the brakes on.”
“Don’t insult me, Nick,” she said coolly. “Or Freddie. Or yourself.”
He let his eyes close with an oath. The hell with it, he thought. The hell with defending himself, with pride, with anything else that blocked the way. “I love her, Rachel. I didn’t realize how much, how bad it was, until she walked out the door.”
It was hard, but Rachel restrained herself from offering the comfort, the sympathy, that stirred inside her. “Have you bothered to tell her you love her?”
“Not the way she needed. It’s one of the things I neglected.”
“So I gathered.”
“I wasn’t prepared for it.” He pushed himself up to prowl the room. “She had it all worked out in her head. One of her step-by-steps.”
“And you found that insulting,” Rachel put in. “Which proves you’re a fool. Some more intelligent men might have found being found attractive and desirable by an attractive, desirable woman a compliment.”
“It threw me, okay? It all threw me. Everything I was feeling for her hit me like a wall. I didn’t know it could be like this.”
“So to fix it, you tossed her out.”
“She walked.”
“Do you want her to keep on walking? She will. And if you dare tell me that you’re not good enough, that you haven’t got what it takes to make her happy, I’ll really hit you next time. There’s only part of the boy I got stuck with all those years ago left in you, Nick. And it’s the best part.”
He wanted to believe it. He’d tried for more than a decade to make it true. “I don’t know if I can give her what she wants.”
“Then you won’t,” Rachel snapped back, without sympathy. “And she’ll survive. She’s cried herself dry, and she’s purged most of the rage. The woman I left a little while ago was very controlled, and determined to forget you.”
“I want her back.” The thought wasn’t as frightening as he’d assumed it would be. In fact, it felt incredibly right. “I want it all back.”
“Then you’d better get to work, pal.” She rose, took him by the shoulders and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “My money’s on you, LeBeck.”
Nick wasn’t sure he’d take the bet himself. The odds were long, he decided as he carted his bags toward Freddie’s building. It was going to take some pretty fancy footwork to squeeze an entire courtship into one crowded balcony scene.
Nick glanced up to the fifth floor of Freddie’s apartment building, and headed for the fire escape.
“And where do you think you’re going, LeBeck?”
The beat cop Nick had known half his life strolled up, tapping his baton.
“How’s it going, Officer Mooney?”
But the wily veteran eyed Nick’s bags suspiciously. “My question was, where are you going?”
“I need a break here, Mooney.”
“Do you now? Well, why don’t you tell me about it?”
“See that window?” Nick pointed, waited until Mooney’s eyes lifted and focused. “The woman I love lives up there.”
“Captain Stanislaski’s niece lives up there. And the girl’s had a spot of trouble.”
“I know. She’s the one I’m in love with. She’s a little annoyed with me at the moment.”
“Do tell.”
“I messed up, and I want to fix it. Look, she’s not going to let me in the front.”
“You think I’m going to let you climb up to the lady’s window?”
Nick shifted his bags. “Mooney, how long have you known me?”
“Too long.” But he smiled a little. “What have you got in mind?”
By the time Nick finished telling him, Mooney was grinning. “Tell you what I’m going to do, since I’ve watched you grow from a snot-nosed punk into an upstanding citizen. I’m going to stand right down here and let you give it your best shot. If the lady isn’t receptive, you’re coming right back down.”
“Deal. Listen, it could take a little time. She’s pretty stubborn.”
“Aren’t they all? I’ll give you a leg up, boy.”
With Mooney’s help, Nick managed to yank down the ladder. After a climb that reminded him that his bruises were still very much around, he tapped on Freddie’s window.
Moments later, she jerked it open.
Her eyes were a little swollen, and that cheered him. Even if the expression in them wasn’t welcoming.
“Fred, I want to—”
She slammed the window down and flipped the lock.
“Strike one, Nick!” Mooney called up. A man came out of the bakery behind him and paused next to the cop.
“What’s going on?”
“The boy up there’s trying to charm the lady.”
Nick prayed it was just temper. If she’d finally written him off, he’d lose everything that mattered. He only had to get her attention, he assured himself, and wiped a damp, nervous hand on his jeans. He pulled the flowers out first. They’d gotten a little crushed, but he didn’t think she’d notice.
He rapped again, harder. “Open up, Fred. I brought you flowers. Look.” More than a little desperate, he waved the bouquet when her face appeared on the other side of the glass. “Yellow roses, your favorite.”
Her answer was to yank the drapes smartly shut.
“Strike two, Nick!”
“Shut up, Mooney,” he muttered.
He was drawing a crowd now, but he ignored it as he pulled out his next weapon. After arranging the candles in their holders, he lighted them. He turned to the blank window and tried to pitch his voice loud enough so Fred would have to hear him, but not so loud that he’d get commentary from below.
“Hey, I’ve got candlelight out here, Fred…. Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look in candlelight? The way your eyes sparkle and your skin kind of glows? You look beautiful in any light, really, sunlight or moonlight. I should have told you that. I should have told you a lot of things.”
Nick shut his eyes a moment, took a breath. “I was afraid I’d mess up and ruin your life, Fred, so I messed up anyway and nearly ruined both our lives.” His hands were pressed against the window glass now, as if he could will her to open it. “Let me fix it. I’ve got to fix it. Just let me tell you everything I should have told you. Like the way the smell of you haunts me. I breathe you for hours, even when you’re not there, like you’re inside me.”
“That’s pretty good,” Mooney noted to several people who’d stopped to watch. They all agreed with him.
“Open the window, Fred. I need to touch you.”
He wasn’t even sure if she was listening. All he could see was the insulated barrier of draperies. He set up the portable keyboard, to the hoots and calls of encouragement of the crowd below.
“We wrote this song for each other, Fred, and I didn’t even know it.”
He played the opening chord from “It Was Ever You” and, tossing pride away, sang.
He was into the second verse before she snapped the drapes aside and tossed up the window.
“Stop it,” she demanded. “You’re making a fool out of yourself and embarrassing me. Now I want you to—”
“I love you.”
That stopped her. He saw tears swim into her eyes before she fought them back. “I’m not putting myself through this again. Now go away.”
“I’ve always loved you, Freddie,” he said quietly. “That’s why there was never anyone else who meant anything, or could. I was wrong, stupid, to think I had to let you go. I need you to forgive me, Fred, to give me another chance, because there’s nothing without you.”
The first tear fell. “Oh, why are you doing this? I’d made up my mind.”
“I should have done it a long time ago. Don’t leave me, Fred. Give me a chance.” Nick picked up the flowers again and offered them.
After a moment’s hesitation, she took them. “It isn’t just flowers, Nick. I was angry then. It’s—”
“I was afraid to love you,” he murmured. “Because it was so big, so huge, I thought it might swallow me whole. And I was afraid to show you.”
Her gaze lifted from the flowers, held his. She’d once dreamed about seeing that look in his eyes. The tenderness, the strength, and the love. “I never wanted you to be anything but what you are, Nick.”
“Come on out.” His eyes never left hers when he held out his hand. “Welcome to my world.”
She sniffled, then shook her head with a laugh. “All right, but we’ll probably be arrested for arson.”
“No problem. I’ve got a cop watching.”
Even as she stepped out on the crowded platform, she looked down. Besides the uniform, there were several others in the audience. Someone waved at her.
“Nick, this is ridiculous. We can talk this through inside.”
“I like it out here.” She’d wanted romance. By God, he was going to give it to her. “And there’s not much to talk about—just tell me you still love me.”
“I do.” Swamped with it, she lifted a hand to his cheek. “I do love you.”
“Forgive me?”
“I wasn’t going to. Ever. I was going to live without you, Nick.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.” He laid a hand over the one resting on his cheek. “And now?”
“You haven’t left me much choice.” She brushed a tear away. “What were you thinking of, candles and music before noon?”
She’d already forgiven him, he realized, humbled. “I thought it was time I did the courting. Do you want me to go to the next step in my master plan?”
“I want to apologize about that.”
“I hope you won’t.” He lifted her hand and kissed it, in a gesture that made her blink. “I intend to remind you, for the rest of your life, that you came gunning for me. I’m glad you did.” He kissed her hand again. “I’m going to need a long time to show my gratitude.” Watching her, he shifted and took a small box out of his pocket. “I’m hoping you’ll give it to me. Marry me, Fred.” He flipped the top on the box to reveal an elegantly simple, traditional diamond. “No one’s ever loved you the way I do. No one ever will.”
“Nick.” She pressed her hand to her mouth. This wasn’t a dream, she realized. Not a fantasy, not a stage in some careful plan. It was real and wrenching.
And perfect.
“Yes. Oh, yes.” On a watery laugh, she threw herself into his arms.
“Looks like the boy hit a home run after all,” Mooney observed. He gave himself the pleasure of watching the couple five stories up kiss as if they’d go on that way through eternity.
Then he tapped his stick. “Okay, let’s move along. Give them some privacy.”
Whistling, Mooney sauntered away. He glanced back once, smiled as he saw the pretty woman toss her bouquet high in the air.
Nick LeBeck, Mooney thought. The boy had come a long way.
Epilogue
BROADWAY RHYTHM
By Angela Browning
After last night’s wildly successful opening of First, Last and Always, starring the luminous Maddy O’Hurley and the delicious Jason Craig, there
’s no doubt about these two stellar performers’ niche on the Great White Way. The audience, including yours truly, adored them from the dynamic, colorful opening scene to the wryly romantic closing number. Miss O’Hurley in particular proved her range and scope in her captivating portrayal of Caroline from quirky ingenue to mature woman.
While these two stars and the inspired supporting cast lit up the stage, it was the music that drove the production.. Take it from me—as of last night, Broadway has two new darlings. The team of Nicholas LeBeck and Frederica Kimball have created a score that soared and dipped, that raised the roof and touched the heart.. Believe me, there were few dry eyes in the house last night when the two leads reprised the haunting “It Was Ever You.” Notes and lyrics are certainly the heartbeat of any musical, and this heart pumped with fresh energy and spirit. Mr. LeBeck’s debut score for Last Stop earned him rave reviews, and sang with potential. With First, Last and Always he’s proven himself.
His partner is every bit his match. Miss Kimball’s lyrics range from the gently poetic to the smugly cynical to the brashly funny,, slipping so truly into LeBeck’s notes that it’s not possible to tell which came first. Like all great collaborations, this one appears seamless.
Perhaps this is due to the fact that the team of LeBeck and Kimball are not only musical partners, but newlyweds. Married only three months, the bride and groom had plenty of reason to smile after last night’s smash opening. I, for one, wish them a long, happy and productive partnership.
“How many times are you going to read that?”
Freddie sighed. She sat cross-legged in the middle of the rumpled bed, copies of all the early reviews spread around her. And over Nick. Her hair had long since fallen out of the sophisticated twist she’d worn to the opening. The sleek black gown she’d spent days shopping for was tossed carelessly on the floor—where it had landed when Nick peeled it off of her.
