“I thought of that.”
The blacksmith was more than happy to sell me a weapon, although it did require a trip outside to pick pocket the mound of unconscious people I left in the park. Those yoga pants don’t leave much room for pockets and I felt more than a little awkward patting them down for coins.
I pull out the six foot bo staff from my pocket like a magician with his line of hankies. I twirl it around and then slide it carefully back in.
“Looks like we are all set then. Lets go rescue your girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend!”
“Sure sure, I meant your friend, who is a girl, that you fancy.”
“I’m reconsidering my stance on using the pistols…”
“You’d have to hit me first.” He somersaults around the room like an acrobat, running along walls, doing back flips and swinging from the light fixture.
“How are you so nimble?”
“Easy, I put all my points into agility. Who needs health and strength?”
I glance at my health bar which is at least twice as long as when I started. I can’t help it if I play a little more conservatively.
We set off in the car, following the green arrow. It only points in the direction we are supposed to be going, so it is the worst GPS ever.
“So what’s with the bow? I figured you’d be more up close and personal, like a rogue or an assassin.” I ask.
“You know how it is, no matter what character build I go for, I always end up being a sneaky archer.”
“I suppose. What have you unlocked?”
“A bunch of cool stuff, including a very interesting spell.”
“Awesome! Wait, how do you have magic?” I glance at his stats. “You’re level 19 already?”
“I told you, I found a few gaps in the games logic. Enemies will revive each other if you leave them prone long enough, and you get more EXP if you take them down again.”
“You just sat there almost killing a couple of guys over and over again for an hour didn’t you.”
“Something like that.” He smirks. “How far until we get to Sarah?”
I check the distance reading under the arrow. “It is still a couple of miles away.”
“I don’t get it, we are almost out of the city. What is even out here?”
We both share a glance and say in unison, “The castle!”
There’s an old abandoned castle on the outskirts of town, not nice enough to be considered a tourist spot but still robust enough to make a half decent defensive position. It would be the perfect place to lure us.
As soon as we pull up I know we are in the right place. For reasons unknown the castle is now filled with waist high walls, perfect for vaulting over. Those definitely weren’t there the last time I came here on a school trip. There are also roving gangs of guards, walking similar looped patterns from the bank earlier, only this time with flaming torches and swords.
I pull Carlos aside, “Ok, here’s the plan. We’ll split up, you take the higher ground, see if you can setup a sniper perch. I’ll sneak past the guards undetected and try to make it to the keep, which is where they would be holding Sarah. Once there, I’ll try to get her out without raising the alarm. If we time it just right and coordinate our…” I turn and Carlos is gone. He’s running full speed at the enemy guards, his bow drawn. He’s emitting an obnoxiously loud battle cry that would wake the dead. So much for sneaky archer. He’s gone full Leeroy on me.
I curse under my breath and run after him. He’s taking cover behind one of the waist high walls and eating a fist full of chocolate bars. I skid into place beside him just as a volley of arrows clatters off the wall behind us. My voice comes out a little louder than I intend, “What was that?”
“You think too much. I didn’t have time for one of your intricate battle plans that fall apart ten seconds into the engagement. We play better when we improvise.”
“This isn’t a game, it’s real life!”
Carlos stands, fires off three arrows, and then ducks back behind the wall. “Is it though? None of this is real, at least not in the traditional sense. Makes you think huh, perhaps all that nonsense about heaven and hell and the afterlife is legit after all, it’s just on a different server with different rules turned on.”
“I’m planning on not testing that theory any time soon. Let’s just concentrate on staying alive. So now what?”
“How would I know, you’re the planning guy.”
I really hope they have friendly fire on in this game so I hit him in the face with a table.
I’m still dreaming of beating up my teammate when I spot the two guards trying to flank. We can’t let them get behind us, we’ll get stuck in a crossfire. Time to test out my new purchase. I equip my bo staff. It is thick enough that it should be heavy, but I twirl it around effortlessly. I use it to vault over our cover, landing on top of the two guards and knocking them out cold.
The noise of me crashing to the ground has drawn every guard in the vicinity and they pour out of every doorway. It’s ok though, there are two of us now. Carlos has already taken several of them out with headshots. I shout at him over the ruckus, “what are you doing? You can’t just kill these guys! They could have families.”
“Remember the Drunken Hedgehog? They will probably respawn when we leave.”
“Probably?”
“Do you think they are concerned for our general wellbeing? Would you prefer me to fire arrows with boxing gloves on the end, like a cartoon?”
“Yes!”
“Well too bad. I’m here to win, not get pwned. If you’re going to make it through this you are going to have to do some things you might not agree with. Now stop yapping and start fighting.”
I peek my head over cover. Thanks to Carlos there are only a handful of guys left. We should be able to take them down easily enough. That’s when I feel the ground quake. The biggest guy I have ever seen comes around the corner. He’s at least seven feet tall, probably more, but with the build of a brick outhouse. He speaks in a booming voice. “You’re mine!”
His health bar is massive, but it’s the level above it that concerns me. He’s a level 22 Bruiser. Even combined we are going to have a hard time taking him down. Carlos immediately switches his arrow fire to this new threat, but each arrow only takes off a sliver of his health. My hands reach for the guns in their holsters, but I’m still not sure I am willing to cross that line until I know the people will be ok. Instead I speed boost in and smack him with my bo staff. It vibrates in my hand as if bounces off his thick skin. I dart away before he can take a swipe at me.
Carlos continues to chip away with arrows, but he’s running out of places to evade. I watch as he throws something down on the ground and a large bubble appears around him. He stands in the centre, firing arrows out. He must be safe from attacks inside.
Nope. The Bruiser plucks him out of the bubble and dashes him against a brick wall before tossing him across the map. I wait for Carlos to get up, but he doesn’t.
This can’t be it, I can’t have lost him already.
This is my fault. I brought him into this. He’d be alive if it wasn’t for me adding him to the game.
Anger takes over. I want this guy to suffer, to feel the pain that I am feeling. My hands shake as I draw both the pistols. I’m too mad to aim, I just point Agile in the general direction of the Bruiser and pull the trigger. It fires all of its bullets at once. They fly out like a sand storm. I wasn’t prepared for the recoil and the gun bucks upwards, shooting down a passing pigeon in a poof of feathers. In my rage I scowl at the notification.
1 of 200 pigeons killed.
Now is not the time for bloody collectibles. I am mad enough already.
I try to reload, and that’s when I realize I don’t have any more bullets. All I have done is get the Bruiser’s attention. He stomps towards me, ready to finish the job. I point my other pistol, Waterfall, and cringe as I pull the trigger. The recoil is enough to lift me off my fee
t. At first I think I have missed as there is no gaping bullet hole in the Bruisers chest, but when I check his health bar I see that just over half of it is now missing. At least now I know I can shoot him.
One more shot should finish him off. I steady myself and point the gun, ready for the recoil this time. I pull the trigger and hear the click. I try a few more times with the same results. One bullet? What use is a gun with one bullet? I stare at my useless new weapon and get a notification.
Deploying next projectile. ETA 2 minutes.
2 minutes! We’ll be dead by then. I have a gun that fires bullets so quickly I can’t keep it loaded, and I have a gun that has the firing rate of an antique musket.
Bloody marvellous.
I stare around the girth of my attacker and see Carlos still laying prone on the ground. I have to get to him, but if I try to do it with the Bruiser on my tail I am going to get us both killed. If he’s not dead already.
In my rage I almost forgot about my magic. Unfortunately there are no tables out here, so that leaves cream pies. I fling one his way with very little expectation, but it hits him right in the face. He angrily flails around while trying to clear his eyes. It is just the window I need.
The path to Carlos is too cluttered with walls, I need a straight shot to take advantage of my speed shoes. That’s when I notice the castle walls. They have a narrow path that is heading in the right direction, I just need to get up there.
There is a convenient set of pillars of varying heights right next to the wall, I just need to gauge my jumps right. After the first couple I feel more confident, but the Bruiser bellows below me. He charges full speed, hitting the pillar I am standing on, sending it crashing to the ground. I only just leap to the next pillar in time. I watch as he clambers out of the rubble. I drag myself up onto the path and taunt the Bruiser, who doesn’t take too kindly to it. He picks up the guy standing to his left and tosses him at me, narrowly missing. The poor guy hits the stone wall with a crunch. He’s going to feel that tomorrow. Hopefully.
I crank the turbo shoes and bolt down the length of the wall, putting some distance between me and certain death. I leap down next to Carlos and check for a pulse. The moment I touch him I get a countdown from 10 seconds. I glance up to see the Bruiser picking his way across the courtyard, batting away anyone that gets in his way. This is going to be close. I keep my hand placed firmly on Carlos’ neck and hold my breath.
Another gaggle of guards appears from a doorway. Just what we need, more people trying to kill us. That should be enough to doom us both, but they make the mistake of getting in the way of the Bruiser. He bats them out of the way and they scatter like pins at a bowling alley. Not only does it even up the numbers, it slows him down.
Carlos opens his eyes with a gasp and stares up at me. He says, “Is this heaven? If so, I want a refund.”
Apparently his sense of humour died alongside him. “Now is not the time for chit chat, unless you want to get back to heaven in a hurry.”
“Don’t blame me, I thought that bubble shield blocked all attacks. Guess it only works on projectiles.”
He ninja flips back onto his feet like it’s no big deal. A few hours ago he couldn’t even do one sit up.
The Bruiser pauses as he sees Carlos get back up. Two against one. Check mate.
Apparently he doesn’t agree. He scoops up a wooden barrel from an abandoned cart and tosses it at us. We both instinctively jump over it. He tries again, throwing it a little harder this time. It clips my foot as I leap and I crash to the ground with a thud.
There’s a small chirping sound and Waterfall vibrates on my hip. Apparently it is ready to fire again. I sit up just in time to see our muscular friend picking up a bright red barrel. I glance at Carlos and he says, “you know what to do.”
I aim up and shoot the barrel. It explodes in a fireball that almost singes our eyebrows right off. Nobody is surviving that, not even the Bruiser. A notification appears, but I’m too blinded by the flash to read it.
We both dust ourselves off and Carlos pulls a couple of burgers out of his pocket. He hands one to me. I try not to notice that it is warm. Each bite fills up a chunk of my health. It’s not enough to get me to back to full, but it drags me off death’s door.
We take a moment to survey the destruction. The walls are torn to shreds, with thick stone chunks laying everywhere. This is going to be a nightmare scenario for some poor janitor. English Heritage certainly won’t be too happy with us. I’ll have to donate them some gold pieces when this is all done.
I shout out, “Sarah!” but there is no response. We just assumed that she was here due to the guards. I flip on my speed shoes and do several laps of the castle, but there is no sign of her. When I get back Carlos is kneeling over one of the guards, who is coughing. Carlos says, “Where is she?”
The guard chuckles, his voice a faint whisper. “She’s dead.”
My heart races but then I notice the bullshit detector is flashing. I reach down and grab him by the collar, resting Waterfall on his lap. “Want to try that one again? I’ll know if you’re lying to me.”
“Your princess is in another castle.”
No BS detected this time. He’s telling the truth. I pistol whip him with Waterfall to finish him off.
I pull up the menu and see that the old quest is marked as complete. There’s a new one:
Quest: Another Castle
I try to select it and get a new message:
Must be level 20 to start this Quest
You have got to be kidding me.
LEVEL 16: FUDGE
I deliver the pile of wolf pelts to the old man and he smiles before handing me my reward.
Legendary Trousers of Stand Sure. + 20 Defense + 10 Speed - 10 Attack
I slip them on and Carlos applauds. “Nice work! Now all you need is a legendary helm and you have the whole set. Not bad for a night’s work.”
There’s a nagging feeling, like I am forgetting something. I can’t quite place it though.
I’m not even quite sure how we ended up here. I know there was a castle, and then that creepy guy approached us about his vampire problem, which led us to the undertakers, which is where I met the vampire hunter who gave me that bitching silver dagger, which I had to use to slay the werewolf and his pack that was terrorizing the village, which gave me a stack of wolf pelts, which old man Peters traded me for these awesome trousers.
I feel like I’m forgetting something important. What was I doing again?
I check my watch. It’s 8 a.m. I should be exhausted, but I feel totally fine.
Carlos stretches, flexing his new arm guards. Thankfully he managed to find some more appropriate gear that doesn’t make him look like a backup dancer at a burlesque show. He lets out a yawn and says, “I guess we should get back to rescuing Sarah now.”
Sarah! How on earth could I forget? I haven’t paid attention to my level all night. I check to find I am level 23. I also have a stack of skill points to spend. “Carlos! Why didn’t you say something?”
He stares at me confused. “You know how this goes, you start on one quest and you end up getting distracted by every side quest you find along the way. I just figured you were getting into the spirit of things. It’s about bloody time. You’re not her guardian. Heroes have to prioritize.”
“Prioritize? I was trouser shopping! She’s going to kill me if she finds out.”
“In that case you may want to change before we rescue her, those things are pretty eye catching.”
I click on the quest and the arrow appears. I already know where it is pointing. There is only one other castle in town.
We’ve barely gone three feet when an old lady with a blue dot above her head appears from behind a tree. She says, “How fortunate that I should bump into you. I am in need of assistance…”
“Nope. Not going to happen! We have somewhere to be.”
“But young man, I have this rare amulet that…”
“La la la la.”
I jam my fingers in my ears and get out of there as quick as I can.
I don’t like what this game is doing to me. The real Marcus would never forget about his friends and gallivant around town doing his own thing. He certainly wouldn’t forget about Sarah, the girl he has been obsessing over for the last five years. Most importantly of all, real Marcus would never refer to himself in the 3rd person.
I race back to the car, then tap my foot while waiting for Carlos. He takes his sweet time about it. I should try and get him a pair of these fancy turbo shoes.
We drive straight to the other castle. It is less majestic than the previous one, it’s more of a ruins than a castle. There’s a large mob of enemies sitting around a campfire, including three Bruisers, just waiting for us to trigger them. For no obvious reason there is also a crane, with a pallet of red barrels swinging in the wind above the mob. I pull Carlos aside. “Ok, are you going to listen to my game plan this time, or are you going to go charging in again?”
He stares at the three hulking Bruisers and says, “What’s the plan?”
I point at the barrels. “If you can shoot out the rope those red barrels should topple into the group and explode, saving us the trouble of taking them on in hand to hand combat.”
He draws an arrow but shakes his head. “I don’t have a good angle from down here. I need a higher vantage point.”
He’s right, there’s a risk of triggering a barrel from shooting upwards like this. Something is nagging at me. Games don’t offer a setup like this unless there is a payoff. That’s when I notice the strategically placed hand holds around the perimeter. I follow them all the way to the other side of the campfire. “Ok, I need you to stealth your way around the outside of the camp and climb up that tower. That will bring you level with the crane and give you a perfect shot. You have to make it all the way there without being spotted. The moment they see you they will scatter and we’ll have to fight each and every one of them.”
He looks positively thrilled at the thought. His instincts are always to choose the impossible odds. I place my hand on his shoulder. “Please mate, I don’t know what stands between us and rescuing Sarah, I just know that I don’t want to be limping in there with no health. Can you at least try and do this the easy way?”
Level Up Page 13
