“It’s a long story.”
“Looked like a short story to me. We need to get out of here right now. Grab what you can and run!”
I grab the sword and try to put it in my pocket. Instead it sticks magically to my back.
Acquired New Weapon. Legendary sword - Showstopper. Doubles Parry damage. Unbreakable.
I stuff as many armfuls of treasure into my pockets as I can as I am running towards the exit. Thankfully the extra weight doesn’t slow me down and I sprint out of the vault to find Carlos holding a guard, an arrow to his throat. He says, “Everyone just stay calm. My friend and I will be leaving now. No need to chase us.”
I run past the High Elf, who is currently stuck face first in a dustbin. Annoyingly Agile is stuck in there with him and I certainly don’t want to let him out to try and get it back. Shame.
I scurry up the ladder before backup arrives.
I’m in the process of lifting the hatch when it shatters in my hands as a hammer crashes through it. Another second and that would have been my head. I dive up through the hole before the dwarf has a chance to swing again. He spins the hammer around like a cheerleader with a baton. He snarls at me, “Who do you think you are, coming in here and messing with the Black Ring? Do you have any idea who you are stealing from? You should drop your weapons and let me kill you quickly, you won’t like what happens if our boss gets hold of you.”
He looks like big trouble, but his stats say otherwise. He’s only a level 8 dwarf. As he hefts the hammer above his head I draw Waterfall and shoot him in the leg. It’s enough to take down all his health and he falls to the ground with a whimper.
Carlos’ head appears through the trapdoor. He looks at the dwarf and says, “You made short work of him.”
“He brought a hammer to a gun fight.”
We bolt out of the door and into the car. My sword gets stuck and I have to take it off and slide it onto the back seat. I reach into my pockets to get my trusty sticks and remember that they are laying broken on the floor of the vault. I turn to Carlos. “I can’t start the car. I need two sticks, now!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” He pulls an arrow out of his quiver and snaps it in half as a very shiny axe slams into the car bonnet. The guy wielding it looks less than happy as he tries to tug it loose for another go. I fiddle with the lock, trying to line up the arrows, but they are moving slower now due to me upgrading my lock picking skills. Now is not the time for slower. Carlos yells, “Not to rush you or anything, but in about three seconds we’re both going to be dead.”
Got it. As the arrows land in the sweet spot the engine roars to life and I floor the accelerator. The wheel spin leaves a cloud of black smoke behind us. The axe is still firmly embedded in our bonnet. I laugh manically. “I can’t believe we got away with that!”
An arrow smashes through the back windshield and embeds itself in the cars dashboard between us. Carlos says, “You might want to postpone that celebration…”
He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the sunroof. His top half disappears and I hear the twang of his bow. He shouts down at me, “We’ve got three cars after us. Looks like a classic chase mission.”
Urgh. Chase missions are the worst. I’m far from a good driver. I failed my test five times. It normally takes me twenty minutes to parallel park the car. This may be the shortest car chase in history.
No. Not today. I’m the hero. This mission requires me to be good at driving, so that is what I am going to be.
I watch carefully in the rear view mirror. Carlos peppers one of the cars with arrows until their bonnet looks like a hedgehog. Smoke starts pouring out of it, then fire, before it explodes in a ball of fire so large you’d think the car was made entirely out of dynamite.
I’m breathing a sigh of relief when our car gets shunted from the left, spinning us around. Without thinking I flip it into reverse and stare out the rear window, dodging left and right between parked cars. This definitely wasn’t part of my driving test. Carlos manages to get an arrow through the drivers window of one of the chase cars, taking out the driver and flipping them over a parked car. Two down, one to go.
The other car gets stuck behind his upside down comrade. As we screech around the corner he becomes a dot in my rear view mirror. I’m so busy looking at that I don’t see the brown blur that runs out into the road until I feel the thump of it under my tires. I instinctively slam on the brakes and Carlos says, “What are you doing?”
“I hit something. An animal I think. I need to check if it’s ok.”
“Now? We are in the middle of a bloody car chase!”
I leap out and see the small brown fur ball in the middle of the road. I run over and see a twitch of movement. I scoop it up to find a tattered squirrel. It is missing patches of fur on its face and its tail looks like a frayed rope. I’m not sure if he looks this beat up because he was just hit by a car, or if being hit by the car is only the latest in a long line of tragedies to befall the little guy. It looks like the latter. Suddenly a countdown starts.
I can hear Carlos screaming at me from the car. “What is taking so long?”
“I hit a squirrel. Apparently I can revive him.”
“Revive him? I’m not dying so you can save a fudging tree rat.”
There’s only a few more seconds to go when the enemy car skids sideways around the corner. There’s the ping of bullets hitting the ground around me as I run back to the car, clutching my new furry friend. As the timer reaches zero he jumps to life in my hands.
Pet selected - Squirrel
What? No! I don’t want a pet squirrel. What use is a squirrel? Before I can do anything he runs up my arm and nestles in the hood of my hoodie. I’m barely in the car when I hear snoring. There’s no time now to fix this, I’ll have to deal with it later.
Carlos scowls at me. “If we survive this car chase, I’m going to murder you.”
“Take a number.”
I floor it, the tires squealing in protest. The Mustang strains but accelerates forwards like a roller coaster. The other driver pulls alongside us and points a machine gun at us. The side of our car is instantly riddled with bullet holes and the passenger side window shatters. I slam into his car, knocking the gun from his hand. He immediately retaliates, slamming his car into ours, almost ploughing us into a red phone box.
I check for a side street that we can escape down, but there is nothing. That’s when I realize we are running out of road. There’s a bridge under construction ahead, and there’s a construction zone blocking the lane we are currently in. The other driver spots this at the same time and shunts us, making sure we stay in our lane. There’s no time to stop. I’m going to have to go for it. I punch it and Carlos screams, “What are you doing, we’re never going to make it!”
The nose of his car inches ahead, blocking our escape. Carlos is right, we’re not going to make it.
We both watch in horror as the High Elf clambers out of the car next to us and surfs on the roof. He pulls Agile out from behind his back and starts firing, filling our bonnet with bullet holes and causing smoke to pour out of the engine.
I shout, “Why aren’t you shooting back?”
“I’m all out of arrows.”
Without saying anything Carlos grabs the wheel. I immediately know what to do. I draw Waterfall, aim out the front windscreen and fire.
The noise is deafening and my ears start ringing. All the windows in our car shatter simultaneously, blasting us with cold air and smoke. It’s not a great shot, it’s not even a good shot, it misses the High Elf by a country mile. Luckily the noise is enough to make the other driver turn around for a fraction of a second. That’s when I fling the pie at him. It splats on the inside of his windscreen, completely blocking his view. As he desperately tries to wipe it away I nudge the back of his car and he spins out of control, flipping end over end until he crashes into the portable toilet in the construction zone. It was apparently packed to the brim with explosive diarrhea as the resultin
g column of fire almost reaches the moon. We drive right through it, the flames briefly filling the car. Ahead is a conveniently placed ramp. I punch the accelerator, giving it all we’ve got. As we hit the ramp the engine finally gives in and dies with a sputter.
I hit the ramp at an angle and we fly through the air, doing a barrel roll, before landing with a thud on the other side. All four wheels fly off the car, smashing into shop windows, parked cars and a run down old house. The chassis skids to a halt, leaving a cascade of sparks in its wake. When it finally stops Carlos stares at me. He says, “How did you know we were going to make that jump?”
“I didn’t! I just went for it.”
I’m expecting him to be mad at me, to scream and shout, but instead he nods. “Finally! It’s about time you got into the spirit of things. Nice work.”
As I clamber out of the car the door falls off. I survey the wreckage. There’s a long piece of rope dangling from the golden axe in our bonnet. That’s strange. I didn’t notice that before. As I get closer I realize it is a whip.
I barely have time to warn Carlos when the High Elf jumps on his back, holding Agile to his head. He says, “You’re going to return that sword and all that gold, or I’m going to turn your friend’s head into a cheese grater.”
I hold up my hands. “Let’s not do anything hasty. We can talk this through.”
“Actually, I’m not sure why we are discussing this at all. You’re just as good to me dead as you are alive.” He swings Agile to face me. There’s no time to dodge. I close my eyes as I hear it firing.
After a second I open my eyes. There is a shimmering light in front of me. Is this heaven? I can still see Carlos and the elf through it, but they are iridescent, as if I’m staring at them through a bubble. That’s when I realize that Carlos cast his bubble shield on me. The click click click is the familiar sound of Agile running out of bullets. The High Elf squeals as Carlos grabs him and flings him into the air, shouting, “PULL!”
I crank the turbo shoes and grab my new sword out the back of the car. As I race towards the high elf I make a decision. No sense in cleaving the little guy in two, he’s just doing his job. I equip my bo staff instead. It connects like a baseball bat and our would be murderer goes flying over the horizon. Agile clatters to the floor by my feet, a parting gift.
“Well that went about as well as could be expected. What are we going to do for transport?”
A guy pulls up in an identical car to the one we were previously driving. I recognize him as the guy we stole the car from previously. He doesn’t appear to recognize us though. He says, “Are you guys ok?”
Carlos grins. “Hooray for asset reuse! Make sure you get the keys this time.”
LEVEL 19: CHOP CHOP
“We need to get out of here, before the Black Ring find us.”
“Moving around with this kind of loot is a risk. We need to buy a base as quickly as possible.”
I check my inventory. There’s a lot of loot. “I have no idea how we are going to sell this stuff.”
A familiar creepy voice behind me makes me jump. “What are you selling?”
I spin to see the merchant gurning at us. I say, “We have a lot of merchandise that is less than…”
“Expensive!” Carlos nudges me. He mutters, “Let’s not put off a potential buyer.”
I start emptying my pockets, pulling out gold crowns, sceptres and jewels as big as apples. It was as much as I could grab. The merchant keeps a completely neutral face as I pile everything up in front of him. When I am finished he says, “I’ll give you a great price for it.”
A number appears on the screen. It’s a very large number. I act casual as I keenly accept the offer and my gold balance jumps to five figures while the pile of stuff instantly disappears. I’m about to leave when the Merchant says, “Got lots of things on sale.”
Carlos runs over like a kid in a sweet shop. Before I can stop him he says, “Nice! There’s a legendary bow. I’ll take it!”
Just like that ten thousand gold vanishes without me getting a say and Carlos’ bow is suddenly jewel encrusted. He twangs the string and says, “Got any special arrows?”
“Indeed. I have ice, fire and sleeping arrows.”
“I’ll take as many as you have.”
Two thousand gold goes poof. I try to drag him away, but he says, “What is that?”
The merchant pulls out a golden arrow. “This is the legendary arrow of…”
“I’ll take it.”
Another five thousand gold disappears.
“Hold on a minute! You don’t even know what that does.”
“I don’t need to, just look at it.” He holds it up to the light and it glistens.
“We’re supposed to be buying a base, not decking you out in fancy gear!”
“You know how I get when I see decent loot. Tell me fine shopkeep, do you have any…”
I punch him. Right in the face. I didn’t mean to, but he’s being a selfish dick and I’m not in the mood. He instinctively reaches for an arrow and I place my hands on my guns, ready to go, but he slowly lowers his hand and smiles. He wipes blood from the corner of his mouth. “Sorry about that, I got carried away. It’s nice to see you again, old Marcus.”
I smile back. That was surprisingly satisfying.
I turn my attention back to the Merchant. “We are looking to buy a base.”
The corner of the Merchant’s mouth twitches up into a half smile. It’s the most expressive I have ever seen him. He says, “You need base? I sell you base.”
He doesn’t exactly look like an estate agent. Unless he’s got a base stuffed in his jacket, I’m not sure quite how he is going to sell us one. Still, it’s worth a try. “Ok, I’ll bite. Where is this base?”
“Right behind you.”
I turn around to see a ramshackle hut. There’s a still smouldering tire embedded in the front wall. The only thing living there is mold. One side of the roof is missing and there is a tree growing out the hole. I shake my head. “Do you have anything that is less of a fixer upper?”
“Nope. That is only base. Take or leave. It’s good price. Fifty thousand gold.”
“Fifty thousand! For that? You’ve got to be joking.”
“It just needs a few upgrades.” Says Carlos.
“Upgrades? It needs to be burnt to the ground and the ashes shot into space. That place is basically a bioweapon factory.”
Carlos says, “We’ll take it thanks.”
Before I can protest the 50k disappears from my account, totally wiping out the remaining balance. The merchant hands over a set of rusty keys and says, “No refunds.” Then he disappears in a puff of smoke.
I turn to Carlos. “Why on earth would you buy this dump?”
“A quick lick of paint and a good cleaning will make a world of difference. We can fix everything with a bit of elbow grease.”
“Are you forgetting who you’re talking to? Don’t you remember my shelf in woodworking class.”
“Remember it? I still have the scar on my head from when it fell on me. Thank goodness there weren’t any books on it at the time.”
“So what makes you think that I’m suddenly capable of fixing that.” I gesture at the rubble that is our new domicile.
Carlos just smiles. “You’ll see. Go get some wood.”
“Wood? Where am I going to get wood?”
“Where do you think you’re going to get wood from? Go chop down some trees.”
“With what?”
“With the bloody big sword on your back you pillock! Honestly, it’s a miracle we’ve made it this far.”
Oh right. I’d forgotten that it was there. I can’t even feel the weight of it. Luckily there is a park right across the road, so I jog over and get to work.
The first tree falls down after a few swipes of my sword. The moment it lands it vanishes, leaving behind a pile of neatly bundled two by fours. I touch them and they leap into my pocket. Easy!
After the sevent
h tree I hear a loud wailing. A woman comes running up to me, her face bright red with anger. She screams, “what on earth do you think you’re doing?” She points her phone in my face.
I stare around sheepishly and notice for the first time the trail of destruction I have left through the park. There is a line of stumps in my wake. I mumble, “I’m getting wood.”
“You’re waving a sword around in a kids playground and destroying public property! I’ve got the whole thing on video. I’m calling the police.”
“Wait! Don’t! I know this looks bad, but it’s for a good cause.”
“What?”
“I’m upgrading my base…” Now that I think about it, that’s not a great reason. She apparently agrees with me. She waves the phone at me. “You’re going to jail buddy.”
I’m forced to consider my options. Is knocking her out an option? I feel bad even considering it, but it’s going to be hard to save the world from a cell. She puts the phone to her ear and says, “Hello, is that 999?”
I clench my fist. Can I really do this? Hit a poor defenceless woman? I don’t suppose I have a choice. It’s for the sake of the whole world. I can’t fight the entire police force on top of everything else. I pull back my hand…
“Yes hello. There’s a guy in the park that is…OW!”
Ow? I haven’t touched her. She spins on the spot and there’s an arrow sticking out of her arse. She slurs, “What the F…” and collapses.
Carlos appears by my side. “Sorry to step in there. Looked like you were having a spot of trouble.”
“Sleeping arrow?”
“Yep. She’s going to be a bit sore tomorrow, but I think she’ll forgive me. You get wood?” He sniggers.
“Sure did. I’m still not sure what exactly I am supposed to do with it.”
Carlos sniggers some more before regaining his composure. “Come on, I’ll show you.”
I follow him back to our base. It looks even worse than I remember and it has only been five minutes.
Carlos says, “Go on then. Fix it up.”
Level Up Page 16
