higher than statistics would indicate. They point out that men are less
likely to seek psychiatric help if they have a problem, so problems go
undiagnosed. Furthermore, clinicians tend to recognize BPD more often in
women, even when patient profiles are otherwise the same.
A Long Way to Recovery
BPD is extremely difficult, but not impossible, to cure. Those with BPD
can improve, though it can take years. Medication, particularly anti-
anxiety and antidepressant, coupled with therapy is most often employed.
Among so-called higher-functioning borderlines, it’s tougher to estimate
improvement, given the inherent denial that often accompanies BPD.
One of the more common therapeutic approaches for BPD is dialec-
tical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan, a Seat-
tle-based psychologist who treats patients with BPD. Linehan explains
DBT as “a little like the professional version of ‘tough love’” (2001), with simultaneous expectations of change and acceptance of the individual as
he is at that moment. Her method helps patients reconcile their polarized thinking, reframe cognitive distortions—that is, loosen up rigid thinking—manage extreme emotions, and apply healthier behaviors to the pres-
ent issues in their lives. Therapists using DBT validate the borderline
patient’s reasons for relying on the dysfunctional behaviors (“when you
rage, you’re able to express your anger, and others agree to do what you
want”), while working with them to find alternatives. While change can be slow, many patients learn that improvement is possible, and that there are alternate ways of seeing and interpreting what goes on around them.
Reading the Signs
The DSM-IV-TR (APA 2000) lists nine criteria, which clinicians use to diagnosis BPD. If patients meet any five or more of the observable
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
symptoms, they are said to have the disorder. But there’s a point of clarification: these traits must manifest themselves as a pervasive pattern. Nearly everyone at times could identify with the symptoms, though not to the
same degree. In looking down the list, adult children will often say, “Oh, but I do that,” or, “But that describes me too sometimes.”
And they’re probably right—to an extent. As Paul Shirley, MSW,
coauthor of the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, explains, “Most—if not all—mental illness is an exaggeration of some normal trait. Everybody goes back to check and make sure they’ve locked the door sometimes, but
that does not mean everybody has an obsessive-compulsive disorder”
(Shirley 2001). He cites the medical student syndrome in which students
may start to recognize in themselves symptoms of the diseases they’re
studying. But exhibiting a behavior or occasionally having a negative
thought, particularly one that isn’t acted upon, does not a diagnosis make.
Keep in mind as you read the description of symptoms below that
BPD involves a repeated pattern, likely played out consistently over the
course of years, that interferes with healthy relationships and daily living.
Adult children of parents with BPD may indeed demonstrate border-
line-like behavior here and there—after all, that’s what you were raised
with—but this doesn’t mean you have the disorder (if you have continued
concerns that you do, contact a mental health professional).
Also keep in mind that while the criteria are set, at least until the
next edition of the DSM is published by the American Psychiatric Association, symptoms play out in as many different ways as there are individuals with BPD—this in part is what makes the disorder so difficult to diagnose and so difficult for family members to understand. For instance, some
adult children may recall hiding in a locked bathroom to wait out a par-
ent’s random, violent rages, while others may remember a parent who
wouldn’t tolerate or express anger at all. It’s hard to believe such different behaviors are symptoms of the same disorder.
The Symptoms of BPD
After each criterion, taken from the DSM-IV-TR (APA 2000) and put into layperson’s terms, explanations and vignettes follow to highlight the trait. We’ve also included take-aways, or the messages children are likely to receive from a parent exhibiting that trait.
I Never Knew It Had a Name
13
1. Frantic attempts to prevent feelings of actual
or perceived abandonment or rejection.
Owing to a poorly defined sense of self, people with BPD rely on
others for their feelings of worth and emotional caretaking. So fearful are they of feeling alone that they may act in desperate ways that quite frequently bring about the very abandonment and rejection they’re trying to
avoid (and which therefore validates and reinforces their fears).
“Everyone jokes about having a horrible mother-in-law,” says Rob, a
thirty-nine-year-old son of a mother with BPD, “but I think my wife wins
the prize. The week before we were to be married, while in a restaurant
one evening, my mother picked a fight with Lisa. Then when she tried to
defend herself, Mother called her a whore and dramatically stormed out
the door. We ignored her angry phone messages for the next couple of
days, and then two days before the wedding, we got a call from my aunt:
Mother was in the hospital after attempting suicide.”
The take-away for children may include the following:
7 I can’t leave (the house, the car, the relationship, etc.).
7 It’s my responsibility to stay with my parent.
7 If I act differently (spend more time, do what she asks, say “I love
you” more), she won’t be so anxious or upset.
2. Patterns of relationships that are intense and
unstable; repeated tendencies to shift between
extremes of loving and hating another person.
Referred to as splitting, people with BPD have difficulty experiencing two feeling states at one time, or, for example, seeing a person’s good and bad qualities simultaneously. They tend to see others as entirely good or entirely bad, as hero or villain, as ally or enemy, rather than see a person as generally good despite a few flaws. Sometimes they’ll split siblings, believing one is the perfect child while another is nothing but trouble. Or, they might split the same person: one week (or day, or hour) the boss is
the biggest sonofabitch around; the next week (or day, or hour) he’s
referred to as a trusted mentor and friend. Regardless of whether splitting, black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking, occurs with one or more people, it may happen without provocation or even interaction.
14
Surviving a Borderline Parent
Leanna couldn’t seem to do anything right, according to her mother,
Rita, who Leanna believes has BPD. Always the black sheep of the family,
Leanna left home early, married young, and had a baby. Rita bad-mouthed
her at every opportunity—to family, to friends, to coworkers, whoever
would listen to the story of the supposedly unloving, irresponsible
child—and wanted nothing to do with her granddaughter. Rita’s son,
Gene, was a different story. Though they’d sparred when he was in his
teens, and he still dealt with alcoholism, Gene was the perfect son in his mother’s eyes and sat high on a pedestal. When he’d forget her birthday,
she’d excuse it by saying he was probably just busy; when he’d lose his
jobs, she’d make a nasty comment about the poor management skills of hi
s
boss.
The take-aways may include:
7 If I do such and such, I’ll get back into the good graces of the
mercurial parent.
7 Things are either good or bad, black or white, all or nothing.
7 People are heroes or, if they have some flaw, villains; allies or
enemies.
7 There’s no gray area, no middle ground.
7 I’m worshipped; if I continue to do what my parent wants, I’ll
continue to be the favorite.
7 I’m despised. I need to try harder to be better so that I’ll be wor-
thy of being loved. Or, I’m worthless. Why even bother?
7 One day I’m loved, the next day, hated—the world is an inconsis-
tent place, and I have little control over what happens or how
others treat me.
3. Difficulty describing the self, interests, or
aspirations; frequent shifts in self-perception.
Some common descriptions emerge when adult children talk about
their loved one with BPD: chameleon, jellyfish, the leopard who changes
his spots. Depending on whom they’re with and what they feel they need
to portray to others, parents with BPD may frequently change their
thoughts, opinions, even values. Some people with BPD can’t decide
which December holiday to celebrate or what faith they should follow.
“Who are you anyway, Mother?” I’d whisper to myself after I was
sent to my room for some perceived wrong I committed.” says Rose. “It
was a ritual for me. I’d close the door, sit on my bed, and ask that
I Never Knew It Had a Name
15
question. At forty-three, I still don’t know the answer; she was
everchanging, like she couldn’t stand to be in her own skin for too long.”
“It was like Halloween every day,” says Maria, the grown daughter
of a borderline father. “We never knew what mask and costume he’d be
wearing next week. One day he came home wearing a black leather outfit,
with a brand new Harley Davidson parked on the front lawn. That was
early spring. About a month later, he called my mother from his
office—he’s a CPA—and told her to bring us all down to the yacht club.
There, he showed us the new sailboat he’d bought. This time, he was
wearing what my siblings and I now jokingly refer to as his ‘captain cos-
tume’—khaki twill pants, light blue oxford shirt, navy blazer with insignia and boat shoes. That he used to tell us he hated the water made the scene seem all the more surreal. We kids still remember that day in colorful
detail.”
The take-aways may include
7 The person with BPD needs me so much, I’m being taken over;
it’s like we’re one.
7 This person isn’t real.
7 I can’t hold him to what he says because tomorrow it may
change.
7 The self is fluid.
7 We all wear masks; what we present to the world isn’t necessarily
related to who we are.
4. Impulsive, often reckless, self-harming
behaviors in areas such as substance abuse,
binge eating, overspending, promiscuous sex,
reckless driving, shoplifting.
Researchers estimate that the prevalence of substance abuse among
the borderline population is about 30 percent. Eating disorders show up
in about 20 percent (Gunderson 2002). Those with BPD may also exhibit
impulsive behavior through repeated affairs or unsafe sex. Others spend
recklessly, acquiring material items in an effort to define themselves, or gamble compulsively. The impulsive behavior may look like that of a
young child, who wants what she wants when she wants it and seems
oblivious to potential consequences. A toddler saying, “Now! I want it
now!” strikes an all-too familiar chord in someone with a borderline
parent.
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
One young man recalls his mother’s endless run of “derelict” boy-
friends after her divorce from his father. “I know you’re not supposed to judge someone based on looks, but these guys were scary—and it was one
after the next. I was just a kid, but I doubt it was a healthy ‘habit.’”
Another man recalls being taken out driving by his drunken father.
“He could barely walk, let alone drive. He was reckless—speeding like a
demon, doing donuts right there in the road, burning rubber all over the
place. As protective as I felt toward him, I used to wish the police would catch him and lock him up for a while so he’d have to stop. He just
seemed hell-bent on killing both of us.”
The take-aways may include
7 I have to care for this person.
7 I can make them stop acting impulsively if I just. . . .
7 If only I were a better son/daughter, she wouldn’t do these things
or have these problems.
7 I have no influence (or too much influence) over another person.
5. Repeated suicide attempts or threats, or
self-injuring behaviors.
BPD suicide rates are high: between 8 and 10 percent of those with
the disorder take their own lives, according to the DSM-IV (APA 1994).
Others may threaten suicide, make non-lethal attempts, or use threats as a tool to convey their desperation to others to evoke a desired response.
One adult child of a borderline parent recalls begging her father not
to follow through with a divorce from her mother, convinced her mother
would kill herself if he did. One night her mother had crawled into bed
with her and said, “I don’t know what I’ll do if Daddy leaves. I’d have to put a bullet through my head. But you and your younger brother will be
fine without me—Daddy and his new wife can take care of you.”
The take-aways may include
7 If the person with BPD dies, or attempts to die, it’s my fault.
7 I’m responsible for keeping him/her from getting hurt or dying.
7 I’m bad; if I were better, my parent wouldn’t need to hurt
him/herself.
7 The reactions of others are my fault (when negative) and within
my control.
I Never Knew It Had a Name
17
6. Frequent mood swings and intense emotional
reactions, irritability or anxiety of changing
duration—anywhere from a few hours to a few
days.
Adult children often refer to the mood swings of BPD as being like
“Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde,” switching from happy and loving to furious, fear-
ful, or depressed within hours or less. Often, the person himself doesn’t remember—or claims not to remember—what was said or done during his
previous feeling state or mood. Loved ones say things like, “When I came
home two hours later, he acted like nothing had happened!”
“I don’t think I’ll ever forget my college graduation,” says Joseph,
the forty-one-year-old son of a father with BPD. “My father seemed so
proud, telling all his friends I’d earned my degree and that I’d landed a great job in Manhattan (which I had). He actually told me how much he
admired what I’d done—a big deal since he wasn’t big into praise or
expressing himself. Then in the car on the way home from a post-
ceremony dinner, I laughed when my brother made a joke about my aunt’s
lousy cooking. My father slammed on the brakes, spun around to face me,
and with daggers in his eyes proceeded to ream me for forgetting my roots and thinking I was better than everyone else because I’d been the first in the family to graduate from college. He only railed for a few minutes, but he said some of the most hurtful things ever. To this day, whenever something special happens, I hesitate to enjoy it—I’m always wondering when
it’ll come crashing down.”
The take-aways may include
7 I never know from one hour to the next what I’m in for.
7 I learn to notice the most subtle of cues so that I have some warn-
ing as to what’s coming.
7 I don’t trust what you tell me, because days, hours, minutes later,
it could—and likely will—change.
7 It’s better not to get excited or feel good about circumstances or
accomplishments because my happiness may trigger a violent
reaction.
7 It’s just easier not to bask in the glow of good things, because it
may be quickly followed by humiliation.
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
7. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being
hollow, empty, or fake.
People with BPD commonly report a deep sense of boredom or a
profound emptiness, which is why they may turn to drugs or alcohol,
become obsessed with money and possessions, or harm themselves. Lack-
ing a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control and dependent upon others, forever victimized. Despite their sometimes
larger than life, hard to ignore exterior, those with BPD are sometimes
described by loved ones and clinicians as seeming hollow and as putting
up a façade.
“My mother would go around acting like the ‘Perfect Mom,’ telling
others about the wonderful meals she cooked, the clever parenting tricks
she used to get us to behave, how she wanted nothing but the best for us,”
recalls another woman. “Sure, she did some of those things—on rare occa-
sion. Generally, she was inconsistent and sabotaging, and we never knew
when she’d blow up and then give us the silent treatment, lock us out of
the house, or punish us for some unknown transgression. It was like she
had this image of what the perfect mother should be, and she actually
believed it fit her. Most of the time, though, she failed miserably and
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