“healthy guilt is the emotional core of our conscience. It is emotion which results from behaving in a certain manner contrary to our beliefs and values. Guilt presupposes internalized rules and develops later [in life] than shame. . . . Guilt does not reflect directly upon one’s identity or diminish one’s sense of personal worth” (1988, p. 17). Thought of in those terms,
feeling guilty would be a healthy response if you believe shoplifting is
wrong, but for some reason you do it anyway. You’ve behaved contrary to
your beliefs and values; you’ve violated your internal rules.
Why Do You Feel Guilty?
While guilt can be a healthy response, toxic guilt is another story. Guilt that you don’t process, guilty thoughts that you let churn over and over in your mind, leads to internalized guilt and the sense that you’re responsible for things that you couldn’t possibly be responsible for. This kind of guilt is common for adult children of a parent with BPD. So where does it
come from?
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A sense of guilt may have its origins in any one or a combination of
the following:
The need to feel you are in control. A sense of immense responsibility may be a means to feel powerful and in control of a situation where you feel
powerless and out of control (Bradshaw 1988). For example, a girl feels
responsible for her father’s repeated suicide attempts. She may be too
young to realize that what her father does is his own choice. She also lives in constant fear because she never knows when she might come home
from school and find him close to death or worse. Guilt and a sense of
responsibility actually may allow her to feel like she has some control over her unstable home life.
The roles you play, or used to play, within your family. When you begin to remove your assigned mask, refuse to maintain the charade, or perhaps
even speak out to others about your experience, you may feel guilty for
violating the pact, albeit silently and implicitly agreed upon, and exposing others. For example, the man who was seen as the all-good child by his
borderline mother may feel guilty as he begins therapy sessions and talks about his childhood. As a boy, he was the caretaker, his mother’s friend, and he has to struggle not to feel like he’s betraying her when he talks to his therapist and thinks critically about his experience.
Weak boundaries and projective identification. When you’re enmeshed with someone else, when your boundaries aren’t clearly defined, it’s hard to judge where your obligations and responsibilities end and your parent’s begin. A parent may unconsciously project her guilty feelings onto her
child; in order to avoid feeling guilty, which is common in BPD, it’s particularly easy for a child to identify with the projection and feel guilty for the parent. This is called projective identification, and here’s an example of how it works: A woman is feeling especially short-tempered and impatient with her young child one day. When the child says, “I’m hungry, can I have lunch now?” the woman loses her cool and screams, “I can’t believe how incredibly selfish you are. Can’t you see that it’s not lunchtime yet?”
The woman is projecting; what she really is conveying indirectly is, “I’m fried. I don’t feel like I can handle one more thing, like making lunch,
right now. But I must be selfish to feel that way, and I can’t accept my
own emotions, so I’m going to say they’re coming from you, that it’s your fault.” The child, who believes what Mom tells her and who is trying to
understand why she got yelled at for something as logical as requesting
food when she was hungry, assumes that a) she’s responsible for her
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69
mother’s reaction; and b) she’s selfish to boot. She incorporates that
knowledge and toxic guilt accumulates.
How Guilt Works
Adult children may wonder whether their borderline parent uses
guilt consciously and deliberately, since it may feel that way. We’ll talk more about a parent’s accountability shortly, but whether they do so consciously or unconsciously, people with emotional challenges may induce feelings of guilt in others through their attempts to
7 control their own environment and minimize unknowns
7 illicit a desired result from others or a desired outcome to a
situation
7 avoid taking responsibility for their actions, accepting their own
feelings, or facing their own thoughts
Given the myriad emotions you may feel when reflecting on your for-
mative years and the complexity of your experience, it may be extremely
difficult to tease out the origins of your guilty feelings. Guilt can operate in very subtle ways within a family, and how it works may not be obvious
from just a few memorable incidents. In fact, it may be that numerous yet seemingly benign experiences reinforced your feelings over the course of
time.
The following are some of the ways in which adult children of par-
ents with BPD may come to feel overly guilty and responsible:
Having a different perception of reality. It’s not okay to see things differently; borderline parents impose their perceptions on others as the right way. For instance, Micah, an adult child, offers to help his parents paint their living room if he’s available and not too tired on a particular weekend. His parents hear (because they want to), “I’ll definitely help you
paint the living room.” As the weekend approaches, Micah decides he’s
not up to the task and lets his parents know he won’t be able to help. His parents respond, “Oh, but Micah, we were counting on you to come
through. You said you would. How will we get it done without you?”
Criticism and accusations. Relentless disapproval by a parent and misplaced blame can lead to feelings of guilt. If you constantly hear that
you’ve ruined something, that you’ve acted inappropriately, that you
shouldn’t have done something (or should have done something and did-
n’t), that “you always…,” you’re likely to begin to believe that you’re
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
responsible and that you let others down. You may even start to question
whether you did some of the things you were accused of but somehow
you forgot, so convincing is your parent’s belief in your guilt!
Finding yourself in no-win situations. No matter what you do, you’re wrong. For example, if you defend yourself against an accusation, your
parent may ask why you’re “so defensive,” or tell you to lighten up, or to stop being so sensitive. If you don’t defend yourself, he may interpret your silence as an admission of guilt and validation of his perception. Either way, you lose. And you start to feel that you must be responsible and
guilty. Lily recalls being accused on several occasions of things she didn’t do. She would cry in frustration at being suspect and not being believed
when she told the truth. Her mother would say tauntingly, “What’s the
matter—you crying because I caught you? You, my dear, have a guilty
conscience.” In another case, Cheryl recalls her mother’s recent birthday.
“She told me not to buy her a gift—she wanted me to save my money and
put it toward decorating my new house. Her birthday came, and I sent a
nice card and called her. She was sullen on the phone and said, ‘The card was nice, but I was a little disappointed. You know, your sister sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers.’”
Denial and projection. The borderline parent denies the effect of his behavior and blames you instead. For instance, a parent may make a cruel
joke at your e
xpense and, when you don’t laugh, say, “You don’t appreci-
ate my sense of humor. Why are you so serious about everything?” Or a
parent, when confronted about her frustrating behavior, might project and say something like, “So you think I’m difficult? If you weren’t so
self-absorbed, you’d see that you’re the one who’s difficult.”
Having a parent play the martyr card. You may have heard, or hear, statements such as, “After all I’ve done for you. . . ,” “You don’t know all the sacrifices I’ve made. . . ,” “If I had known how you’d end up treating
me. . . ,” “No matter how horrible you are to me, I’ll always love you.”
Withholding affection. A parent may hold you responsible for a problem and deny affection, offer up the silent treatment or rage uncontrollably
until you’ve confessed or apologized.
STOP AND THINK: Guilty Feelings
Consider how guilt has operated in your own life and in your relationship with your parent. What are the things for which you feel guilty? List
Guilt, Responsibility, and Forgiveness
71
whatever comes to mind, without censoring yourself or thinking, “I know
I shouldn’t really feel guilty for this. . . .” Some examples include feeling guilty for
. not spending the holidays with your family of origin
. saying no to a parent’s request for communication or a visit
. all the sacrifices a parent made over the years for you
. taking pride in your accomplishments
. your parent’s outburst of anger last Thanksgiving
. accepting help or gifts from others
. wishing a parent would die, “just go away,” or leave you alone
permanently.
To prompt your thinking, you might want to do this exercise,
adapted from the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook (Kreger and Shirley 2002). Complete the following thoughts, filling in the blanks from your
own experience. Start with “I feel guilty for. . . :”
. thinking or not thinking . . .
. doing or not doing . . .
. feeling or not feeling . . .
. saying or not saying . . .
. believing or not believing . . .
. challenging or not challenging . . .
. having or not having . . .
. behaving or not behaving . . .
. reacting or not reacting . . .
. having been or not having been . . .
For each item you listed, consider why you feel guilty (again, not
whether you should). How did (does) guilt operate in your family of origin, and how did that facilitate your feelings of responsibility?
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
Owning Your Own Feelings
and Nothing More
One of the positive things about feeling guilty is that you can usually
make amends when the feeling is warranted. But how can you know when
feelings of guilt are indeed warranted by your actions (or inaction)? It’s not easy, as there may be a grain of truth embedded among the accusations or projections of a parent with BPD. For instance, your parent might say, “You always sound angry when you talk to me. Why are you so mad
at me? What did I ever do to you?” The parent’s statement and questions
show an unwillingness to accept responsibility for your anger (employing
denial and perhaps projection as a defense), but there may be truth to her observation that you “always sounds angry” when you talk to her.
STOP AND THINK: Am I Guilty?
Sifting through it all can be confusing, but there are several ways you can discern whether your guilt and feelings of responsibility are warranted or whether they are feelings that you can put to rest.
Ask yourself the following questions:
. Is (or was) the criticism aimed at me in proportion to the per-
ceived offense? (Either way, acknowledge that you’re human, and
humans make mistakes.)
. Did I violate a boundary the other person had communicated to me?
. Did I make a promise or commitment I didn’t keep?
. Was I truly responsible? Did I have control over the outcome?
. What was my intention or motivation?
. What does my gut or intuition tell me about the situation and my
level of responsibility?
. Given a similar set of circumstances, would my close friends (or
someone else you admire) think I was responsible?
. Were any of my words or actions efforts at self-protection or
self-preservation?
Other questions to consider include:
. What are the costs of feeling guilty when you’re really not
responsible? Does it sap your energy or emotional strength, take
time away from your family, or affect your health?
Guilt, Responsibility, and Forgiveness
73
. Are there ways in which feeling guilty serves you in your relation-
ship with your parent? Does it make you feel more in control,
perhaps? Are there other ways it serves you?
. What do you stand to gain by giving up your feelings of guilt and
responsibility?
If you determine that your feelings of guilt are actually warranted,
then consider the ways in which you might address and correct your
actions. If you determine that some of your feelings of guilt are not warranted, you’ll have to work on letting go of them, and not accepting any
more blame than your fair share.
Letting Go
Part of being able to let go is to know—really know—that you have
no control over what others think. If your father thinks you’re the worst child on the planet because you refuse to side with him in a family argument, well, that’s not something you can control. And your energy would
be better spent on the other concerns in your life. If your mother tells you not to buy her a birthday present, but then says she’s disappointed that
you didn’t send one, that’s also not something that warrants your guilt.
You also don’t owe anyone an explanation or need to defend your-
self against accusations or criticism. A simple, “That’s too bad; I’m sorry you feel that way” should suffice. Randi Kreger and Paul Shirley (2002)
provide a list of responses you can use when feeling like you need to
explain or defend yourself. Here is an adaptation of their list:
7 I’m sorry, I won’t be able to.
7 I’m sorry that makes you upset.
7 I just can’t do that.
7 I understand you feel that way, but I’m still going to have to say
no.
7 That’s your choice; this is mine.
7 I know I’ve done that for you in the past, but this time I can’t.
7 You may have a point, but my answer is still no.
7 I know you feel that way, and I hope you find another solution.
You might want to practice these statements in front of a mirror or
with a trusted friend or therapist until you’re comfortable saying them in
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
your own words, with supporting body language and tone of voice. It may
be hard, when faced with an actual situation, to stick to your guns and not say, “Oh, all right, just one last time.” But your self-esteem will get a much-deserved boost if you don’t accept emotions that aren’t your own.
Responsibility
In talking about guilt, you may ask, “If I’m not responsible for my parent’s actions and reactions, then who is? Is my parent?” The question of
accountability is a complex one; by its nature, BPD makes it that way.
/> People with the disorder may have extreme emotional fluctuations, mak-
ing their feelings and subsequent actions look confusing, disconnected,
and contradictory. They may then feel tremendous guilt and shame, even
remorse, and this makes it difficult for them to own their behavior. They may not know how to face their feelings of shame and remorse, or they
may lack the insight and emotional acuity to realize the impact they have on others.
You may wonder if your parent was aware of some of the negative
things he may have said to you as a child (or as an adult). You may won-
der if he knew what he was doing when he locked you and your brother
out of the house late at night since he claims he never did such a thing.
You may wonder how your mother could have not realized that you didn’t
have adequate clothing each winter, since she tells stories of how she
treated you like a princess. Do they really not remember? Did they rewrite history? Were they aware at the time that what they were doing may have
been dangerous, unhealthy, or cruel?
There’s no clear-cut answer. And the answers may vary by incident
or context. On one occasion, a parent may be so ashamed of his anger
that he will project it onto you, vehemently denying all the while that he’s angry or that he’s projecting. Another time, that same man might dissociate during a rage and later will truly not remember that he broke your car window. Another time, when confronted, he might tell you he does not
remember that he said something awful to you when he really does.
One woman says that depending on the day, her mother would
sometimes cry when confronted with some of the things she did to her
children and say, “You know I loved you. I did the best I could.” Other
times, when confronted with the very same issues and incidents, her
mother would get angry and yell, “You and your sister are oblivious—do
you have any idea how bratty and difficult you two were?” Another time, the woman recalls, her mother flat out denied that certain events took
place, events which she’d previously acknowledged.
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Whatever your parent’s reaction, the result may be a striking lack of
validation of your experience. And if parents aren’t willing to own their own behavior, you may be inclined—consciously or unconsciously—to
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