and you’re able to appreciate it fully, feel deserving of it, and perhaps even see that you had a hand in bringing it about. You’ll be rewarded
when others comment on how you’ve changed for the better, how you
seem healthier, happier, more at ease, or that there’s “just something
about you” now that wasn’t there before.
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Remember, you can’t expect your parent to change. But you can
change, and you will. “I know that I have to work hard and that I’m
responsible for my own feelings,” says Mai, thirty-one. I don’t expect that the world will be rosy or perfect. I know that nothing will be handed to
me on a platter. If I want something, I have to work for it. My life keeps getting better and better, so I must be doing something right.”
As you notice these changes, write about them in your journal, so
you can see your progress over time. Reward yourself along the way too;
hard work deserves positive reinforcement. Be sure also to continually
assess where you are, and what you want to work on next. Then reread
this book or the relevant parts. You’ll see that each time you do, different parts will jump out at you, and you’ll retain new material based on what’s most relevant to your life at that time. It’s a continuous cycle of assessment, planning, and action. Each positive change, each success builds on
itself, and you’ll likely notice that you have more and greater insight each time you set the cycle in motion again.
The Human Connection
Much of the work outlined in this book has been focused on you and
guiding you to increase your understanding of your experience and to
identify and implement the positive changes you want to make. Yet all the skills you’re mastering very much apply to your relationships with others as well. Just as several of the diagnostic criteria for BPD affect relationships, so too do the effects of surviving a parent with BPD. Here are just a few ways adult children have said their experience has affected their
relationships:
7 Expecting perfection from yourself and holding others to that
(unrealistic) standard too; being quick to judge; judging others
harshly
7 Black-and-white thinking that prevents you from seeing people as
they really are, with all their shades of gray, their uniqueness and
nuances, talents, preferences, and human foibles
7 Difficulty communicating with a loved one (one woman finds it
easier to write notes to her husband and stick them to the refrig-
erator with a magnet, rather than speak to him about sensitive
issues directly)
7 Fearing abandonment and personalizing rejection (another
woman recalled getting angry early on in her marriage when her
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husband wanted to go out for drinks with his friends on occasion;
another recalled feeling rejected when her husband, after a long
trip, was too tired to have sex)
7 Assuming people are angry at you much of the time
7 Difficulty with touch, particularly unexpected and/or sexual
touch
7 Being disproportionately giving (not receiving) in a relationship
7 Feeling responsible and guilty for others’ moods and trying to fix
them.
STOP AND THINK: Beyond You
Consider how the negative beliefs and behaviors you’ve identified throughout this book have affected your relationships. Consider your interactions with relatives, friends, and colleagues—not only significant others.
You Are Not Alone
It’s crucial not to discount the role that others—both friends and part-
ners—play in your healing process. It’s not an isolated journey, despite the fact that it may at times indeed feel that way. “You always feel different,”
says Ronnie, forty-four, “just like children of alcoholic parents say they feel different. But the truth is, lots of people feel the exact same way you do. Others have gone through exactly what you have.”
And even if others around you have had different experiences, they
can still help. Your healing process is not one where you suddenly realize you’re all well and then go out into the world to seek connection with others. It’s almost exactly the opposite, in fact. You need connections with others on some level in order to improve, to learn to trust, to be challenged, to have motivation to change, to grow.
“I didn’t do it all alone,” says Rachel, forty-seven. “I got help from
therapy and my sister and my friends and, most of all, my husband. But I
do take some credit for where I am in my life and I’m happy with what I
have. Although I’ve gone through some tough times, I’ve come out stron-
ger and happier on the other side.”
“I’m hoping someday I’ll truly have faith in my husband’s love and
not feel like I have to earn it,” says Micheline, thirty-six. “He has had a big influence on me. He acts as a good sounding board for me. My best
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friend—she’s provided invaluable emotional support for me. My thera-
pist—she helps me figure out who I am and what’s best for me. Another
good friend has taught me a lot about boundaries and responsibility, both my own and others.’”
Finding Support
A good therapist is a key part of the healing process (Kreger 2002).
Choose a therapist who understands BPD, especially how growing up with
a parent with it might affect children. Randi Kreger’s Web site,
(www.BPDCentral.com) contains a list of questions you can ask potential therapists to assess their familiarity and comfort dealing with BPD. Other ways to find a therapist include contacting your insurance carrier, asking your psychiatrist or family doctor who they’d recommend, and asking
friends for referrals.
Friendships—make that healthy friendships—are critical to the healing process as well. Friends should be able to share in your successes and failures, your joys and sorrows; they should be able to mirror and validate your feelings, listen, respect, and support you. If you have friends that don’t or can’t provide those things, you may want to examine those relationships and consider addressing the issues, minimizing contact, and/or
ending the relationship. Friends who tell you your perceptions are wrong, who judge you, who minimize your reactions, or who monopolize conversations may not be the best people to spend a lot of your time with. Often people unconsciously seek out friends and significant others that have
quite a bit in common with their parent with BPD; these new people seem
familiar, and the dynamics are much the same. Unlike family though, you
can choose your friendships. You don’t have to put up with bad treatment
(not that you do in family relationships either!). And if you choose wisely, you can exchange as much love and support among your closest friends as
you would in any family.
STOP AND THINK: Make Wise Choices
What are the qualities you look for in friends and friendships? Think of
the people you consider your closest friends. Do they possess those
qualities?
If making friends doesn’t come easily to you, as it doesn’t for many
adult children, think of some ways you can become more comfortable
with reaching out. Write them down and include your plan to put them
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179
into action. For instance, “I would be comfortable inviting someone I
wanted to get to know better out for a
cup of coffee or breakfast. In fact, I’ll ask my coworker, Marilyn, to have coffee this week.”
Don’t forget to write down your commitment to ask.
If you think about it, there are many resources that can help support
you and the work you’re doing. In addition to a trusted therapist, partner, close friends, and relatives, there are many types of support groups available. Your county mental health program may offer groups for family
members of those with mental illnesses, and while Internet forums may
not be a replacement for real-world relationships, they can be a great
place to exchange information and correspond with others who have had
similar experiences. As you begin to reach out, you’ll likely be surprised at just how much support and understanding you’ll receive.
Seeing Patterns in Intimate Relationships
It’s not uncommon for adult children with borderline parents to
realize there have been some unhealthy themes running through their past
intimate relationships. You may have chosen partners that were verbally or physically abusive, demonstrated the traits of BPD, or had other mental
health and/or substance abuse issues. You may have chosen significant others that were unavailable emotionally, preventing the relationship from
going beyond a certain level of intimacy. Or, rather than choosing some-
one based on your own needs and preferences, you agreed to date or even
marry someone because that person expressed interest in you.
STOP AND THINK: Patterns
Think about any patterns in your past relationships. Consider the types of partners you’ve been drawn to, as well as how your relationships have
started and ended and how you treated each other. Were most aspects of
the relationship reciprocal? What was communication like? Was there any
type of abuse to either person? How were breakups handled?
The reasons for negative relationship choices are many. Lacking a
good model, you may not recognize what a healthy person and relation-
ship feels like. Or, you may not feel worthy of a good relationship. You
may feel unlovable and not believe that it could ever be possible for you to find someone who truly cares for you. You may not have ever pictured
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yourself in a partnership because your parent projected other plans for
you, or projected her own feelings of unworthiness or fears of abandon-
ment onto you. You may have received negative messages about relation-
ships while growing up, such as, “Men are only after one thing,” “Women
are gold diggers,” or “People always end up stabbing you in the back.”
You may struggle with feelings of guilt for being happy in a relationship.
You may worry that if things are going too well, it’s only a matter of time before you’re blindsided by disaster, so you keep your expectations low
and try not to enjoy anything or anyone too much.
STOP AND THINK: Relationship Messages
. What are the messages you received while growing up about love,
romance, relationships, sex, and marriage? Write them down.
. Think about where the messages came from (sources might
include your parent, family, television and other media, social
mores, teachers, friends) and how you came to believe
them—what reinforced them and made them seem true to you?
. For each message you wrote down, write a statement that chal-
lenges it. For example, “Men are only after one thing,” might
become “Sure, some men are only after one thing, but there are
plenty of men out there who appreciate others for who they are
as people, and who want a relationship that offers good conversa-
tion and companionship.”
. Consider how these messages contributed to the relationship pat-
terns you identified above.
Managing Expectations
The messages you received about relationships dictate your expectations
of them and of your partners. Particularly for adults who were raised by a parent who may not have provided much or enough nurturing and affection, intimate relationships may seem a way to finally get that which you have longed for since you were a child.
While intimate relationships can provide nurturing and affection, it’s
unrealistic (and unfair) to expect or demand that a partner provide it—it’s something that grows organically as a relationship evolves, and desperate need will actually preclude it. Other unrealistic expectations of an intimate relationship include using it in order to prove your worth, value, or
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attractiveness; boost your self-confidence; have someone else support you financially or take care of you; make up for what someone else didn’t give you; get back at a former lover; or have a project, a purpose in life, or someone to take care of.
Fair and healthy expectations of a relationship, on the other hand,
include reciprocity in many areas: support, companionship, patience, partnership, respect, acceptance, love, affection, sexual pleasure, parenting responsibilities (if children are involved), and, of course, commitment. All relationships, whether with friends, relatives, or significant others
(coworkers and neighbors too), take a lot of work and dedication. They’ll challenge you, and perhaps, at times, scare you. Still, you’ll undoubtedly find that they’re valuable—no, integral—to your life and well worth the
investment. With others beside you, you’ll be able to change negative patterns you may not have even realized you’d fallen into. You’ll feel more
confident taking risks because you know you’ll be supported, regardless of the outcome. You’ll be more willing to open yourself up to meeting new
people and doing things, with a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment, and love that you might never before even dared to have imagined.
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