by Andrew Gates
“Oh, my name is not nearly as long, but it is difficult. You can call me Joyce.”
“Joyce?” I repeated. I could not believe it.
“Excellent pronunciation! It often takes my fellow Gelovians several tries before they can say it correctly.”
“You people are bizarre,” I said, not even trying to make sense of it. “Just take me to the princess already.”
“Alright!” Joyce replied in a happy tone. She led the way.
I followed behind her as she practically crawled through the ship. Her slug-like tail barely slid across the floor at all. I don’t know how these guys managed to live their lives moving so slowly like this. Honestly, it was infuriating.
After about 30 minutes, we arrived at the meeting room nearly 50 feet down the hall. Joyce was practically out of breath. Meanwhile, I could not wait to take a step farther than half an inch at a time.
“Here we are, Ryan,” Joyce said, turning to face the door. “Princess Mayra is inside. You will be allotted nine minutes and 85 seconds to speak with her.”
“Don’t you mean 10 minutes and 25 seconds?” I asked.
“Oh, yes, I suppose I do!” Joyce replied with a grin.
“I thought you said we were going to have a long time to get to know each other.”
“Absolutely! You have been granted 10 whole minutes and 25 seconds! I wish I were so lucky before I met my husband, Xolophanotaskiwitzalo’Dtakhas. We had five minutes and 73 seconds to meet each other before we married.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I muttered.
Five minutes. The Gelovians did everything else so slowly. Why would they rush getting to know their life partners? 10 minutes was considered long enough to get to know somebody, meanwhile they didn’t mind spending 30 minutes to walk 50 feet.
There were times throughout my life when I wondered how this race ever managed to develop advanced technology like spaceships and teleporters. This was one of those times.
I opened the door and entered the next room. Once again, I had to duck down just to get that silly hat all the way through. I closed the door behind me and walked inside. A table with two chairs stood in the center of an otherwise empty room. To my complete shock, the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen sat on the far side of the table. She stood up to greet me as I entered.
The woman looked like a human woman, hardly indistinguishable were it not for her silky pink skin. But her brightly colored skin was easy to look past when the rest of her was so beautiful. Her eyes were piercing red in color, her nose was thin and her lips tempted me like a drug (not that I know much about that). Her thick curly red hair dangled down past her shoulders. She wore some kind of metal brassiere that showcased her perfectly sized breasts. Her thin waist was smooth and blemish free.
If I’m being honest, I don’t think I had ever been as paralyzed from seeing someone as beautiful as her. I couldn’t move. I just stood there like an idiot, staring.
“Hello,” the woman said as she glided across the room like flowers in the wind.
“Uh… hell… hell…” I stuttered. I never stutter.
“Did you say ‘hell’?”
“Hello,” I finally said. “I am Ryan.” I reached out my hand. The woman shook it. Her skin was so soft and warm.
“Pleased to meet you, Ryan,” the woman replied. “It’s good to meet someone aboard this ship who doesn’t take all day to walk from one side of the room to the other.”
I laughed. I had the exact same thought.
“Yes, indeed,” I replied, smiling. “You must be Princess Mayra.”
“I am,” she confirmed.
“How is it the Marsh Colonies agreed to give you over to the Gelovians all alone and unattended?”
“I may be the only one of my kind aboard this ship, but my people are just outside. My fleet, led by the powerful warship the MCS Tuna, is ready to fire upon the Puppy at any moment should anything happen to me.”
“I see,” I replied. I paused for a moment as I considered those words. “Wait… did you say your warship is called the Tuna?”
“Yes, indeed,” Mayra said.
“Like the fish?”
“Yes, a tuna is a fish. That is correct, Ryan,” Mayra agreed.
“Okay, so we’re talking about the same animal here. You mean the tiny little fish we eat for lunch with mayonnaise and pickles?”
“Tiny? There is nothing tiny about a tuna. On my planet, tuna are powerful and dangerous monsters. They have six limbs, long fins and claws as sharp as spears.”
I wasn’t even going to address the point anymore. This was not a conversation worth having. I simply let out a deep sigh and said, “Okay then.”
“My father informs me we are to marry,” Mayra said, finally addressing the elephant in the room. She looked into my eyes. “I never thought I would marry a… sorry, what is your species called?”
“Human,” I answered.
“Hunan,” she replied.
“No, a human,” I clarified. “Hunan is a province in China.”
“A what in where?”
“Forget it. Just call me Ryan.”
“Ryan. I can call you that. Ryan the human.” She smiled at me.
“And you are Princess Mayra of the Marsh Colonies.”
“You can just call me Mayra.”
“Alright, Mayra,” I said, smiling back. “I admit, when I heard the Gelovians wanted me to marry one of your kind, I was worried you would be hideous. But you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.”
“That is incredibly kind to say, Ryan the human. I find you attractive as well.”
I am embarrassed to admit, but I blushed a bit when she said that. There was something about her that sent my heart fluttering. For the first time, I felt like I was fully onboard with the idea of marrying this alien. Not only was I open to it, I felt excited for it.
“I, too, was worried you would be a hideous monster. I could never see myself marrying someone like a Gelovian,” the princess continued, pulling my focus back into the conversation.
“Yes, it certainly makes this whole thing a lot easier.”
“It is a shame the Gelovians won’t allow us more time to get to know each other,” Mayra said.
“I know, right?” I replied. “What’s with that?”
“The Gelovians are direct. They don’t do well with small-talk. The idea of ‘getting to know someone’ is difficult for them,” Mayra explained.
“Interesting.”
“I am surprised you do not already know this, seeing as your world is part of their regime.”
“I… uh… well, you see, my world doesn’t really interact with the Gelovians much. It’s more of a rulership in name only.”
“So your planet is not controlled by the Gelovians?” Mayra asked.
In that moment, I froze. My next few words were going to be important. I knew that if I suggested Earth was independent from the Gelovians, the Marsh Colonies could see that as an excuse to nullify the peace our marriage would bring. And I was just starting to get stoked about marrying this woman.
On the other hand, I didn’t want to lie to this beautiful alien. After all, this bunny was damn hot and I wanted to marry her.
“The Gelovians are kind enough to allow us earthlings to self-govern, though we are part of their Empire,” I finally answered. I figured that was the perfect way to phrase it.
“Oh, I see,” Mayra replied, smiling. “They are kind to do so.”
“Yes, very kind.”
“And so… tell me a bit about yourself, Ryan the human. I know so little.”
“There’s not much to say. I’m from a city called Philadelphia, which is known for its big cracked bell, cheesesteak sandwiches and Benjamin Franklin.”
“Who?”
“Benjamin Franklin? He’s the inventor of America.”
“America? I do not know this word.”
“Never mind. It’s not important.”
“Do you live alone in
Philadelphia?”
“I do,” I answered, lowering my gaze to the floor. “I have lived alone for years now.”
“Why? Is this customary in your world?”
“No, not really. I just haven’t found the right person to… you know… live with.”
“Why?”
I shrugged and met Mayra’s eyes again, not sure what else to say. I’d been asking myself that same question for years.
“I don’t know,” I finally replied. “On my world, people are expected to pair up and live with the person they marry.”
“But you will be married soon to me,” Mayra said.
“Good point, but what is going to happen after that?”
“Obviously we will live together on my home world,” she answered.
That’s honestly the first time it occurred to me that if I married Mayra, I would never go back to Philadelphia, or probably Earth for that matter, ever again. I gulped. I shivered. I let out a deep breath.
“What is it? You seem nervous,” Mayra noted.
“Yeah, I… uh… well…” I couldn’t think of the words to say. I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t want to marry her, but the idea of leaving my home behind was a lot to suddenly take in at once.
“What is it?” she repeated.
“Uhm… how old are you?” I asked, saying the first thing I could to change the subject.
“I am eight,” she replied.
I gasped. There was no way she said what I thought she said. Mayra looked as if she were in her late-20s.
“Eight?” I repeated, practically coughing up the word in shock.
“Yes. I know it is an old age to be married. I hope you do not think I am undesirable due to my old age.”
“Old?” I repeated. “Wait… how long do your people live?”
“If we are especially healthy, we can live to 45,” she explained.
“So you age quickly, then?” I asked.
“Excuse me, Ryan the human! I resent that!” Mayra replied, clearly offended.
“Sorry, I don’t mean you specifically. I meant your people.” I cleared my throat. “What I mean to say is, we humans can live twice as long. For example, I am 29 myself.”
“29!” she repeated in a tone of shock. “You have seen more life than my grandmother!”
That comment made me squirm a bit.
“Yeah, I guess I would have.”
“In my culture, age is something to be respected. With your years and your marriage to me, you will be highly regarded in the Marsh Colonies,” Mayra explained.
Highly regarded, I thought. I liked the sound of that. I was still going back and forth on whether or not marrying this space alien was worth leaving my home forever, but if what she said about elders was true, it certainly made the prospect of marrying her all the more tempting.
Still though, it was weird to consider that she was only eight, even if that did translate to around 30 in human years. We were at the same stages in our lives, just with very different lifespans.
I decided not to think about that for the time being. It would only add to the many questions racing through my head in that moment.
“So… what do you like to do for fun?” I asked, once again trying to change the subject to something less daunting.
“Usual stuff, I suppose,” Mayra said. “I like to cook, socialize with friends, listen to music, dismember my enemies. You know, the regular hobbies.”
“Dismember your enemies?”
“Of course!” she replied, happily. “It’s one of my favorite things to do when the weather is nice out.”
“And when the weather is not nice out?”
“Then I’ll probably just stay in and read a book or something.”
“Uh… okay then,” I said, trying to pivot yet again. “And do you have any pets?”
“Yes, I have a pet grizzly bear. Her name is So’thakaka.”
“A grizzly bear?” I repeated. “Let me guess: on your planet grizzly bears are small fluffy harmless creatures?”
“Nonsense! Grizzly bears are ferocious! They are huge with long claws and sharp teeth. You would not want to cuddle them,” Mayra retorted. “Why do you ask? Are grizzly bears harmless on your world?”
“No, no, they’re about the same, I guess,” I said. “But… if we’re talking about the same animal, why would you ever want a grizzly bear as a pet? How can you even play with it?”
“I keep her as my guard. She wanders the perimeter of my quarters, protecting me from intruders.”
“Do your people usually keep grizzly bears outside their homes?”
“No, no. Most people can’t afford such rare beasts as pets. But being the princess has its perks,” she replied, shrugging.
Weird, I thought. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a pet grizzly bear. A smile slowly formed across my face.
If I were a normal man, I probably would have been put off by the fact that this woman owned a bear. Most people would be afraid or concerned or both. But in case you have not realized it yet, I am far from normal. Strangely, the knowledge that this woman actually owned a real life grizzly bear as a pet only made her more beautiful in my eyes.
After all, who wouldn’t want nature’s greatest beast defending you while you went to bed?
No? Nobody? Okay, am I the only one who thinks that’s cool? Well… get lost then, kangblabla!
Anyway, back to the story…
Neither Mayra nor I got another chance to say anything else before the door suddenly opened, forcing us both to promptly turn to face the open hallway. Joyce stood in the doorway as if waiting for us to finish up (and by the way, I’m still trying to figure out how she was able to open that door without hands).
“Joyce!” I said, surprised.
“Yes, it is I,” Joyce replied. She slooowly moved into the room. “I hope you two had a great time getting to know one another.”
“Is time finished already? I thought I was supposed to have over 10 minutes!” I said.
“10 minutes in Gelovian time is different from 10 minutes in Earth time. You forgot to convert your units,” she explained.
“I didn’t know I had to convert any units,” I replied, honestly.
“Well, that’s too bad. Anyway, your time is up. It’s time to go!”
“Go where?” I asked. I quickly turned around to get one more look at my beautiful bride-to-be, before facing Joyce again. It was hard to keep my hat upright as I moved.
“Now that you and Princess Mayra have met, we need to prepare each of you for the wedding ceremony,” Joyce said. “Please, if you will follow me, Ryan.”
“Very well,” I replied, stepping forward.
“What about me?” Mayra asked.
“My colleague, Ythalapolous, will come to collect you. Wait here until he arrives,” Joyce responded. She peaked down the hallway. “Oh! I see him now! It looks like he is only a few feet away. It should only be a short 10-minute wait, Earth time.”
“If he’s just down the hall, can’t I just get up and walk to him?” Mayra asked.
“I’m afraid I cannot let you freely explore the Puppy unattended. You must remain here until Ythalapolous arrives in the next few minutes,” Joyce answered.
I shrugged to Mayra as if to say I felt her pain. She blushed and shrugged back.
“If there are no more questions, we shall be off!” Joyce said.
“Of course,” I replied. I motioned to the hall. “Lead the way!”
I followed Joyce out of the room, ducking once again just to get my stupid headpiece all the way through. Once on the other side, I felt a smile form on my face. There was something in my stomach telling me that this would all work out for the best. Sometimes in life, you just have to go with your gut, and in that moment, my gut said Mayra was the right choice.
Despite all the pros and cons wrestling in my head, I knew in that moment that I wanted to marry the princess.
Watch Out: This Whole Chapter is About Pee
To preface this tale, I want you to know that I’m fully aware that pee stories are a crude form of humor. It’s “low-brow” comedy at best. We’re talking about Monty Python jokes here, not Woody Allen.
But alas, with that fact acknowledged, this is what happened…
I was all alone in the Preparation Chamber. Joyce had gone and the door was closed shut. There were new clothes set out for me, so I figured the Gelovians wanted me to wear it to the wedding ceremony, but it was hard for me to concentrate on anything else when my bladder was about to burst.
I pulled the spaz hat off my head and let it drop to the floor. It felt like a weight off my back… literally.
I could feel a bit of pee coming out already. I clenched my legs together as best I could in the metal underwear, but I couldn’t get much flexibility. I knew I had very little time left before my bladder would burst whether I wanted it to nor not.
With very little time left, I frantically searched around the room for anything with a drain. Unfortunately, I came up short. There were no toilets, no sinks, no faucets… nothing. Next, I just looked for any sealable container whatsoever. Still, no bottles, no cans, no jars… nothing.
“Aah, this is bogus!” I muttered to myself as I desperately clenched my legs together.
I could feel warm pee dripping down my leg. It was already starting.
“Shit, shit, shit,” I said as I pulled the metal piece off my crotch and tossed it to the corner of the room. I slid down my underwear and did the only thing that made sense in that moment.
What did I do? Well, to put it bluntly, I peed on the floor. That’s right, kangblabla, I peed all over that shiny, clean bunny. And oh boy, it felt so good.
“Aah…” I said as I relieved myself. I could not help but moan in happiness.
The floor was metal, or at least I think it was metal. Whatever it was, it was thick and slick and solid, so it wasn’t like the floor absorbed any of the pee like a shag carpet would. Instead, a big puddle began to form. It flowed into the massive hat I’d tossed aside. I probably ruined the hat with my urine, but at the time, I couldn’t care less. I was just happy to empty my bladder in any way possible.
