by Calia Read
“You already know,” I reminded. “I tell you in every e-mail what I’m up to.”
He nodded. “But you’re still writing?”
“I am.”
“That’s great,” he said with another strained smile on his face.
I wanted to shout at him: “Where is my Lachlan? Where are you?”
He talked to me, but his voice was tight, making me anxious. I didn’t like this… awkwardness. I didn’t know how to get rid of it.
I stepped away. His hand disappeared from my shoulder, making me feel cold and alone.
“I have to go home,” I said. I stared down at the ground, kicking pieces of gravel around with my foot. “We’re having guests over for dinner.”
I looked up at him. His eyes remained on me. But there was a different look there. One that I had never seen. He would always look at me with amusement, like everything I did was guaranteed to bring a smile to his face. But now he just looked pensive, almost unsure of me.
“You’ll still meet me tonight, right?” I asked.
There was that frown again. His shoulders tensed as he backed away.
“Yeah, tonight, Naomi,” his voice was terse and short.
I would see him later. Like all the other million times I saw him, but this time, things would be different.
I walked away from him, back to my horse, replaying our conversation. I was too preoccupied to realize that he had finally called me Naomi.
“Where the hell are we going?”
“Just wait,” I said. “We’re almost there.”
“It’s pouring down rain. I’m getting ready to turn back home.”
I didn’t even bother turning around. “No, you’re not. Just keep walking.”
Miles away from our families’ properties, hidden in the foliage of oak trees, was a white cottage that was all mine.
I stumbled across it by accident a few months ago.
The sunlight was out that day and in the corner of my eye, past the oak trees, something glinted. I walked deeper into the woods, for what felt like miles before the trees finally thinned out. The ground was covered in old leaves and twigs and in front of me was a cottage that was falling apart. The white paint was chipped off. The front deck was caving in slowly. A few windows were broken, or simply boarded up. All it would take is for one big gust of wind and this place would crumble in seconds. But I thought it was amazing. I thought it had potential. I looked past the damage and was determined to fix it. That night I wrote Lachlan an e-mail describing the cottage. He wrote back and said it sounded like the setting of a horror movie.
Tonight, I was determined to prove him wrong. This place was my personal haven. I saw the beauty of this cabin before it became weather beaten and neglected. I saw a fresh coat of white paint, a new deck, brand new windows, and flowers planted around the house. I saw the beautiful white cottage it used to be.
I parted the wet tree branches and stepped into the clearing. I shined my flashlight on the cottage. “Here it is,” I sighed.
Lachlan stood beside me and stared. He was silent for a moment, and pointed his flashlight at the cottage. His eyes narrowed, as he inspected what was in front of him carefully.
“Not too bad,” he finally said.
I grinned at him. “Kind of cool, isn’t it?”
“In a creepy kind of way, yes.”
The rain continued to fall. Splashing onto my jacket, soaking my hair. I didn’t care. I stepped closer to the cottage, letting the cool water pour down my face.
“Do you think we’re the first people to find it?”
Lachlan moved closer. “Doubt it. The windows didn’t board up themselves.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m saying, it’s probably been sitting here for years and years without any of us knowing!”
“Is this your way of telling me that you’re going be one of those realtors that goes around looking for destroyed homes, buys them dirt cheap and sells them for triple the value?”
I shrugged, turned my head and smiled back at him. “Maybe.”
He looked at me with an odd expression on his face.
The whole trip there, I tried so hard to act natural and pretend that there was no tension between us. But that one look ruined all my efforts.
Old Naomi and Lachlan were gone. Wherever they went, they were hiding so well I doubted we would ever find them again.
Normally, words just poured of my mouth when I was around Lachlan. One simple subject would lead to a conversation that would split in half and keep multiplying until we were on a completely different subject than the one we began. Yet right now I was frantically trying to think of something we could talk about.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I finally said.
He smiled, although it was strained. “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”
I pointed my flashlight to the damp ground, jerking it back and forth until it became a blur. “E-mails are nice, but seeing you in person is even better.”
“That’s your way of saying you missed me?”
I shined my flashlight over my face for a quick second. I wanted him to see the sincerity in my eyes. “You know I missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
I couldn’t see his face but I heard the honesty in his voice and I saw a piece of the old Lachlan. The one that had been MIA the entire day.
“Lachlan…” I looked away.
“What?” He turned off his flashlight and took a step closer. “Why did you just say my name like that?”
“Like what?”
“Come on, I’ve known you long enough to have you figured out.” He gave me a hard look. I stayed silent. “You don’t believe that I’ve missed you?”
“Well, you sure have a hard way of showing it. You’re barely home.”
“What is the big deal?”
“The big deal is you’ve been gone for 365 days!” I shouted. “Not a week or a month. A whole year!”
His eyes widened and he whistled. “Keeping a tally?”
I was panting by this point. “Every day.”
“We keep in touch,” he argued. “I talk to you almost every day.”
“E-mails aren’t enough.”
“If you thought that, you should have told me,” he said quickly. “You should’ve said, ‘Lachlan, e-mails aren’t enough. Come home. I miss seeing you.’”
“Lachlan!” I yelled. “E-mails aren’t enough. Come home. I miss seeing you!”
He looked at me with shock. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing’s gotten into me. I’ve always felt this way.”
“No, you’ve changed. You’ve become…”
“What?” I advanced. “I’ve become louder? I’ve become older?”
Lachlan just stared at me. He was seeing a different side of me. One that was speaking its mind and revealing the truth. But everyone had a breaking point. You can only take so much until you have to get your words out before you exploded.
I opened my mouth. “I—”
Could I do this? Could I actually go through with telling him how I felt? Once it was out there, I could never take it back.
“I love you!” I shouted. My feelings that had been so well-hidden came to the surface. Lachlan looked blindsided. “And I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t help it!” I tossed my hands in the air. “What am I gonna do, though? I need you when I know I shouldn’t.”
I turned off my flashlight and tossed it between my hands, waiting for him to answer. It seemed like years went by before Lachlan spoke.
“No, you don’t,” he said. He almost looked frightened.
“I do,” I whispered.
He was older. Between the two of us, the world automatically deemed him the authority of love. But the world got it wrong. I knew better. I knew love was a spiderweb. Once you were caught it was something you couldn’t escape.
“You don’t,” he repeated.
I smiled sadly. It was all I could do.
<
br /> Lachlan rubbed his eyes and groaned before he turned toward the trees. I stared at his back. His fingers were laced and resting on his head.
He whirled around. “I think you’re confused,” he said knowingly.
I was shaking my head before he even finished speaking.
“I’m right,” he continued. “It’s a little crush. Just an infatuation that you’ve had for years.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m right.”
He walked close enough for me to see the confusion in his eyes. And then he leaned in close. Closer than he’d ever been. His breath tickled my skin. I seized this moment. I looked at him. I mean, really looked, like I’d never done before. Water dripped down his face and curved around one cheekbone before it dropped onto his jacket. His lashes were spiky. There was dark stubble on his face. On the tip of his nose was a bead of water that dropped onto the groove above his upper lip and trickled down. Before I could watch that water drip disappear between his lips, he kissed me. I felt that bead of water against my lips and my eyes instantly closed. Even though I was drenched from head to toe, my skin felt like it was on fire. My blood roared through my veins and I couldn’t pull away if my life depended on it because Lachlan Halstead was finally kissing me.
I think he went into the kiss convinced that my ‘crush’ would never be over until he put it to rest. He thought the kiss would be two pairs of lips meeting and it would flat and be over within seconds.
But it was so much more than a simple kiss.
Everything stopped: time, breathing, my mind.
All I could focus on was his lips pressed against mine. He didn’t move them away, or increase the pressure. I was grateful for that because even this one simple contact made all the tingling seem like it was nothing. Right when I was reaching up to wrap my arms around him, he pulled away.
All the warmth from his lips disappeared and it felt like cold water had been thrown onto me. My eyes fluttered open. I stumbled into him. He jumped back like he’d been burned.
We stood there in silence, staring at each other in a half-daze.
I was the first to recover. “Do that again.”
Lachlan said nothing. Just blinked rapidly at me as the rain fell down around us.
“Do it again.” I couldn’t stop staring at his lips.
“No.”
“Do it,” I stepped closer. “Kiss me. Show me what to do.”
He took a step back and then another and another until he was pressed up against a tree. I saw just how unsure he was and I also saw lust. I wasn’t imagining it. My eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.
“You and I both know that was a really bad idea,” he said, his voice strained.
“Was it though?” I whispered.
He flinched as if I had struck him.
I stayed perfectly still and waited for Lachlan to do something, anything.
A deep, shuddering breath escaped him as he closed his eyes. He was at war with himself. And I saw the moment where he ignored that part that held him back. My pulse hammered as he leaned into me. This time his lips didn’t just linger. They moved, slanting across mine slowly.
I followed his lead. I chased after his breath, opened my mouth. His lips were warm compared to the cold rain and softer than I expected. My heart was thundering so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I pulled away slightly. The tip of his nose brushed against mine. His lips were a hairsbreadth away from mine. The look in his eyes was powerful, showing me that if I hadn’t pulled away we would still be kissing. I swallowed hard.
“You told me to never trust a guy,” I said, my voice shaky.
“You were supposed to listen,” he said against my lips.
We went back in at the same time. This kiss was even stronger than the last.
His fingers sank into my wet hair. My hands reached up, curling around his neck, holding onto him like he was my anchor. I stood on my tiptoes. My elbows rested on his shoulders and I reached behind my head, grabbed my hood and pulled it up and over our heads. I had waited years to kiss him and I didn’t want to share Lachlan. Not even with the rain.
It fell around us, hitting my hood as Lachlan gently tilted my head to the side. The kiss deepened. I felt his tongue against my lips. I opened my mouth. Lachlan hummed and I answered with a whimper. I didn’t know if what I was doing was right. I just followed what made me feel good.
Slowly, my tongue touched his. Lachlan shifted close. I could feel him through his jeans. I breathed through my nose.
He ripped himself away.
Lachlan was breathing heavily. He rested his forehead against mine.
We didn’t say a word.
Another morning.
Another day in Dr. Rutledge’s office.
Before she can ask me how I am and what happened next, my mouth is already open and the words are pouring from my mouth…
“I love what you’ve done.”
“Really?” Lana said.
I turned and smiled. “Really.”
I made a circle around Lana’s living room, looking at the little touches she had put throughout the apartment to make this space hers.
Turns out, you can find some good stuff at thrift stores. Or maybe Lana just had a good eye. She picked things out that by themselves, just looked used and ugly. But together it all worked.
There was a large, off-white bookcase that flanked the entertainment center. A comfy, tan couch with a large, gilded mirror mounted on the wall behind it. And there were flowers on every available space. On the kitchen table, the end table. Real or fake. It didn’t really matter to Lana. I asked her why she had so many. She said when she looked at them her spirits would instantly lift.
Lana looked down at the pillow lying on her lap and picked at a loose thread. “It’s been fun picking things out.”
“And it’s been fun going from store to store picking things out with you.”
I made myself comfortable on the couch and took a good look at her.
“You’re doing okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
That was Lana’s go-to answer. Every time she said it, her voice was hollow. But today I heard excitement and saw the small spark of hope in her eyes.
She drew her knees close to her chest and leaned in, as if she was sharing a secret.
“I signed up for some online college courses,” she confessed.
“That’s great!”
Lana shrugged and looked away, hiding her blushing face. “It’s not much but—”
I held up my hand. “Stop right there. Don’t say it’s not much. It’s a huge step in the right direction.”
“I knew you would say that.”
“What are friends for?”
Lana smiled warmly. “I still want to look for a job.”
“That’s good,” I said tentatively.
Lana had to do most everything on her own terms. Sure, I could encourage her until I was blue in the face, but ultimately, it had to be her that made the final choice.
“I guess so,” she said as she trailed her fingers across the couch cushion. “I thought about what you said.”
I nodded, urging her to continue.
“I went into the bookstore three times yesterday. I hung around the shelves, staring at the cash register, just waiting to get the courage to walk up there and ask for an application. I wimped out each time and now everyone who works there probably thinks I’m a stalker.”
She gave me a weak smile. I frowned.
“I told you I’d help you find a job.”
“I know. But I wanted to get a head start. I can’t live off my savings for the rest of my life.”
“It’d be a nice way to live though, right?” I teased.
“The best way.”
“Look…” I said thoughtfully. “It’s only been three weeks. You’re getting used to this new change in your life. Give it some time.”
“How much time will I need?”
“Doesn’t matter. There’s no cut off point or expiration date. Just take all the time you need.”
She glanced over at me and quietly asked, “How’s Max?”
“He’s good.”
I never told her about the conversation I overheard between Max and her dad. I saw no reason in letting her know. She was doing well, so why would I bring it up? It would take all the progress she had made and blow it to smithereens.
“Have you talked to Lachlan?” she asked. Her tone was carefree, but she watched me carefully.
I walked over to the patio doors, looking at the buildings around us. I didn’t want to talk about him. He was a ghost that needed to be laid to rest. All those memories I had with him needed to stay buried with him. But just the mention of his name brought up those memories: laying flat on our backs in the treehouse, talking and talking and talking. That very first kiss that turned my world upside down.
I swallowed and closed my eyes, trying to make those memories disappear.
My eyes opened. I was still standing in place. Still standing in Lana’s apartment, yet, my mind was rooted in the past. I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Nope.”
“Not once?”
“Nope,” I repeated, my voice tight.
“That’s… strange.”
I turned. “Why is it strange?”
“He’s been in your life for the past ten years.”
“So?”
“It’s just weird that you would cut him out.”
“I haven’t cut him out.”
She tilted her head. “Then what do you call what you’re doing?”
“Everything’s changed, Lana.”
“I know that better than anyone. But you can’t just—”
My gut started to twist painfully. This was a conversation I wasn’t ready for.
“Stop,” I interrupted.
“What is this?” There was a small smile on Lana’s face as she waved a hand in between us. “Normally, you’re the one handing out advice and leading me in the right direction.”
Is that what Lana thought she was doing? She thought Lachlan was the right direction?
“There’s no need for leading, Lana. I’m just fine,” I said softly.
My breathing became shallow. I crossed my arms, but it was only to hide my shaking hands. I didn’t want to shut her out, but I refused to talk about Lachlan. I exhaled loudly and picked up my purse.
