Anything?
What would ‘anything’ look like?
“Do you have a lot of books?” I asked.
“We have a library in the house with many of your old books,” Silvus said. “But we can also take you to the Enoch Pratt Library here in the city.”
“Do you have a television? Or a CD player?”
“We have vinyl,” Jie said. “Maybe we are the hipsters.”
“I’ve still got your old Victrola too, darlin’,” Thom said. “And all your records on wax cylinders. But those are at the New York place.”
“Many of your things are at our other houses,” Rayner said. “So we’ll have to take some trips.”
“My…my things.”
“From before,” Rayner said. “You will still enjoy them. You always seem to. Most of them were Bertie’s or Li Mei’s. And we also have some things from Ana. We couldn’t get to you in the USSR in time, but later on, we were able to go to your family and paid them for all your things.”
“It’s Belarus now,” Silvus said.
I was completely overwhelmed by the idea of being confronted with objects from lives I had lived before. Would I feel like I did when I saw my wand? I had no memories of any other life, but the vampires spoke of them—and me—like I was five different people at once.
All I could really think about was the single life I had lost. Mom’s funeral would probably be happening right now. I could see Dad in my mind, holding my tiny newborn sister. The only thing keeping him from breaking down would be Carrie at his side. She wouldn’t be able to hold it in. She was too young. She would be shedding tears for both of them, losing not just Mom but me, as I had lost all of them. I felt split in two, and dead inside, but I had to keep it together and stay on guard with these men.
I wondered how it would feel just to let go. To let them touch me. Would it be a relief? No, I imagined they would do what they wanted and I would endure it. There was no relief in that.
We must have been somewhere in the heart of the city, having passed countless brick row houses and a huge cemetery, and entered a neighborhood that was probably beautiful a century ago. The row houses here were more like mansions, with stained glass windows and details of gingerbread and woodwork beyond most homes in the village, but some windows were boarded up and the rest seemed to have been split into many apartments. Silvus stopped the car at one huge house on the corner. The paint was worn, but otherwise this house was well kept, with a garden in front behind a wrought-iron fence.
“Home for now,” Rayner said. “It may not seem so at first glance, since I’m sure you aren’t used to cities, but this is a very safe place for you. If this man comes looking for you, he’ll stick out and our neighbors would tell us immediately.”
The vampires definitely stood out. I didn’t see any other white people, and no one was dressed in three-piece suits like Silvus. I felt I must stand out too, and felt immediately shy. But the vampire mojo clearly worked here too because almost immediately, I saw a young woman peer out a window and then come out to us, holding a toddler on her hip. “Hey, Silvus. Welcome back, guys. The garden’s doing great.” She looked at Silvus with a saucy lift of her chin like she wanted him to admire her neck.
I thought she must be one of the humans they mentioned who knew they were vampires but didn’t entirely believe it either. When I saw the way she looked at him and the way he smiled warmly at her, I felt a weird little streak of emotion go through me.
“It looks wonderful,” he said. “You really have quite the green thumb, Dee. You should be working with plants.”
“My aunt’s been telling me the same thing. I don’t know where I could, around here, but I love it. And Kira hasn’t been having so many tantrums! She loves playing in the dirt and seeing the flowers bloom too.” She nodded at the little girl, who was staring at my red hair like she wanted to reach for it. “Damn, I hate it when winter comes.” She laughed, but she was looking at me. “So who’s this?”
“This is Alissa,” Silvus said.
“She’ll be living with us,” Rayner said. “She is ours. I don’t think she will be going out alone, but if she does, she must be protected.”
“Did you say she was yours?”
“Yes. She is my wife,” he said.
It was unbearably strange to hear him call me his wife.
“Oh, okay…” She looked intimidated by Rayner, but her eyes cut to me like, Are you going to say anything for yourself?
“The gardens are hers,” he added. “I very much appreciate your work, Dee, but we don’t need you anymore.” He opened a wallet and handed her several hundred dollar bills.
I saw this look in Dee’s eyes that I recognized—a deep sadness hitting her unexpectedly. “I can’t take this.”
“I insist. You’ve done good work here. I admire your pride, but I know you’ll put it to good use.”
She swallowed and took the money. “Welcome to the neighborhood, Alissa. Enjoy the gardens.” She didn’t sound like she was happy to see me, but I’m sure Rayner’s presence kept her from being too hostile.
I wanted to say something but I was getting hit with a lot of very confused feelings now. When she flirted with Silvus I felt like I just wanted her to get away from him. Dee was friendly and even a little shy to the vampire clan, but I could tell she was a wicked girl. She was flirtatious, her hair an untamed mane of wild black curls, and she was wearing a crop top and tight jeans that showed off a thick, curvy body that would never have been allowed in the Order. She looked at all of us like she wanted us to know what she was thinking, even if it wasn’t polite.
When I looked at her I was thinking about all the sins she was committing: unfemineinity, overstepping her station, immodesty…
I was envious of how relaxed she seemed. I wondered if I would ever feel like that, if I even could.
“Are you jealous, Tulip?” Rayner ran his fingers along my jaw and I jumped. I realized I had been grinding my teeth together.
“Jealous? Of…of Dee? No. Definitely not.”
“Dee’s a lovely girl, but she isn’t my dearest,” Silvus said.
“She’s a sinner,” I said, but for some reason I felt a sting like I was saying something wrong, although it should have been true.
Thomas laughed. “A sinner! Now, what gave you that impression? Dee’s an angel compared to the lot you’ve been thrown in with, darlin’.”
“I don’t want to be like her,” I said. “She’s very bold.”
“Let me guess—Father Joshua told you that,” Rayner said.
“Every religion and society teaches women to be modest and obey their husbands, and the reason I—I wanted to escape Father Joshua is because he broke the laws of a husband by taking the priestesses as lovers.”
When I said it like that, I felt…safe, somehow. Like I was explaining to the Ethereal spirits why I had left my family behind and fallen in with these vampires. I didn’t want to abandon my family just because I was afraid of a holy marriage with a man I despised. It was just because I knew that husbands were supposed to reward their wives with loyalty and protection and thoughtful guidance, not by plucking single women out of the village to serve them sexually.
“Lies,” Rayner said.
“That isn’t how Lisbeth was?” I asked. “Wasn’t I modest? Wouldn’t I promise to obey you when we married?”
“Yes, you would have, but there was nothing sacred about those rules we all followed. Those rules also kept me from you. They made wars. They would have kept us from loving Li Mei or Bertie. So I don’t follow them anymore.”
“I don’t have to obey you?” I said.
“If you truly don’t want to be here,” Rayner said, brushing a hand over my shoulder, looking down at me in all his fierce beauty, “then leave. Leave now.”
“We’re in the middle of a dangerous city!”
“Silvus can drive you back to the cabin. Or wherever you want.”
“Well—I can’t leave. I don’t have any m
oney.”
He took out his wallet and placed it in my hand. “Now you have plenty of money and my American Express card. I’ll pay it off for you every month. So…go ahead.”
My mind blurred with confusion as my skin tingled at his touch. I didn’t know anything about the rest of the world. I didn’t even know how an American Express card worked. So I couldn’t leave.
That was what I told myself.
I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want these men. I was still Alissa and I was still a good Ethereal witch.
I just didn’t have any choice.
“Your heart knows,” Rayner whispered. “You will never leave me. And I will wait until you’re ready. Just know that every second I wait is like torture to me. Every second I am with you, my body and soul cry out to join with yours as they have done so many, many times. It takes quite an effort for a monster to be a gentleman, but for you, I have always managed it…now, come inside.”
Chapter Twenty
Rayner
Damn it all, you are in this for the long haul.
My Tulip was more broken than I first expected. She looked so much like she did when she was Lisbeth. It made the situation all the more unbearable. I felt as if I recognized the scrunch of her brows and the curve of her smiles and frowns. She had never been so familiar.
But her reluctance was more like Bertie, and her submissive behavior was like Li Mei.
And yet, this was more frustrating still. Bertie and I had learned to accept our situation together, at the same time, and I was nearly as hesitant to claim his body as he was to give it. It wasn’t easy for me back then either.
Li Mei had already been married and thought that her husband raping her every night was the way things were supposed to be. She was initially angry that I killed her family, but she was also relieved. She had been suffering daily. Her soul knew it had been wronged. Li Mei was surprised and happy when she realized I would give her as much pleasure as I took. For a long time it was the only language we could speak alone together.
And then there was Marguerite. My sweet French country girl took no convincing at all.
Now, I had my poor Alissa, looking so familiar that every drop of my blood and every inch of my skin was desperate to have her.
I could see her soul drowning under the surface of the things she had been taught. A brief fire lit in her eyes. A quick, searing moment of lust or jealousy. Other moments hinted at her pure sweetness, the music and joy and life she brought to our clan.
They died quickly, suppressed by her own training.
As far as I knew, she had not been beaten or raped. But the more I realized what had been done to her, the more I raged. Her thoughts had been controlled every moment of her young life. I wanted to show her the love and passion I could give her. I wanted to break her spirit free.
She must be handled delicately, her trust earned like some of Silvus’ more unfortunate kittens.
Silvus opened the door for her. The dilapidated exterior of the Baltimore house was left unpainted on purpose, with minor repairs neglected. We didn’t want to stand out.
Inside, the house retained the charm of the Gilded Age. This house belonged to a well-to-do railroad man, and when he died, the home passed into the hands of a warlock, who did very few updates, making it the perfect home for vampires.
“Oh…wow.” Alissa couldn’t help herself. The staircase with its beautiful woodwork and the stained glass window at the landing made for a grand entrance. A built-in bookcase held a tiny selection of our library, as it spanned across many homes. “Whoa—this isn’t the library already, is it?”
“Not at all,” Silvus said. “This is just…overflow.”
“We read a lot,” Jie said. “We don’t have jobs.”
“Some of us have jobs,” Silvus said.
“Well, I haven’t found work on a sailing ship in a while,” Jie said. “And I haven’t bothered to do much since.”
“You’re the handyman and tech support,” Thom said.
“True. I have a hot water heater to look at,” Jie said. “So maybe I’ll look at that while you show her around and then I’ll make you some dinner. Do you have a favorite dish nowadays?”
“I like—“ She hesitated. Tulip was always hesitant, as if she expected us to scold her or hit her. “Do you know how to make a Thai curry?”
Jie brightened. “Yeah, I’ll figure it out for you. Thai curry. Didn’t expect that. I’ll have fun with this one.”
“I’ll go on a blood run,” Thom said. “But we’ll see you tonight. The clocks might get shy for how much I’m staring at ‘em, counting down the minutes to when I see you again.” He grinned at Alissa and got a blush out of her immediately. Bertie always had a particular attraction to Thom and I’m sure it was because Thom had no qualms about homosexuality. He didn’t tiptoe around anything but treated Bertie with sexual aggression that stirred all of us. We had yet to see how he’d fare with her as a woman.
That little blush hinted that the “Thom effect” might work on both sexes.
“This crown molding is so gorgeous. Pocket doors! And—a piano—“ Alissa was running her fingers along the furniture and trim. “Do any of you play?”
“Silvus plays well,” I said. “Thom and I a little less so.”
“You must be the disciplined one, Silvus,” she said.
“That is true. As vampires go, I am as disciplined as one can be, I think. We are much too hungry to be disciplined all the time, pet. And you play as well—that is, you did. I could…remind you.”
That was one hint that Silvus was also consumed with thoughts of making love to her. Hopefully Thom could find some fresh human blood tonight, to calm us just a bit.
I thought the human clothes might ruin my Tulip’s precious beauty.
How wrong I was. Nothing could ruin her. In fact, there was something surprisingly charming about the way her jeans hugged her tight bottom and her skinny little legs, and the slouchy sweater she kept tugging over her hands. Beneath the sweater, I knew, was the paper-thin t-shirt and a very simple bra. In my mind, I slipped each piece off of her. I would go slowly, kissing and licking her skin and suckling her breasts and then her bud of pleasure until I had her so completely relaxed and pleasured that her body would welcome the full brunt of my strength.
Oh, how I would bruise her. How she would ache. I would go gently on her, but she would never know it. She would never realize that I could break her in two. How tender I would be with her that next day.
“Piano lessons?” She tapped a few keys and seemed almost startled when the notes rang out.
The simplest things were a delight and a wonder to her, even though the world was always passing us by. One moment Thom was bringing home a new record player and the next moment it was completely out of date. When you lived as long as we did, the world seemed to change every time one blinked. My Tulip was still impressed by the records and speakers, Jie’s computer, the furniture and decor we had acquired over many years, and then—the library.
Her ability to hide her feelings melted away when she saw all the books. It only reminded me how isolated she was. How much pain she carried with her.
“There are two sorts of people who love libraries, I believe,” I said. “One are the bookworms. You were never a bookworm.”
“Never?”
“No, Tulip. You would never sit inside with a book when a beautiful day called to you. You used to go ice skating in Amsterdam, waiting with great excitement for the canals to freeze. We used to watch each other from afar. You were only allowed to go with your brother. He hoped you would court with one of his friends. I would watch them hold your hand. You would insist on breaking away, and you crashed into me so I could pick you up. Of course…we could only pull that little trick once. Your brother must have caught me looking at you wrong. I still remember the way he said, ‘Ah, aren’t you the shoemaker’s son?’”
“Ice skating? Was I good?”
“You were very good.”
When I shut my eyes, I could recall the feel of her body crashing into mine as she caused an accident on purpose just so I could touch her.
“I’m sure he was an impartial judge,” Silvus said to her, with a smile.
“She was good! I saw plenty of girls who couldn’t stay on their feet, or wouldn’t try. And Marguerite, as you remember, was always outside.”
“We had so many picnics under the olive tree,” Silvus said.
“You used to help stomp the wine grapes,” I said.
“Stomp grapes?”
“That was how they made the wine in Provence,” I said.
“With feet in the grapes?”
“Clean feet,” Silvus said. He shot a warning look at me before I started to think about Li Mei, who could only tend her tiny garden.
She looked overwhelmed with the stories and the sight of the books. Her eyes were moving up and down and then, across shelves. Her hand darted out to grab a leather-bound copy of Alice in Wonderland and I felt an ache tighten in my chest. “You used to read that one to Ruth. She was the little girl who lived down the street in San Francisco. Her parents were drunks so you would always let her in. You called her our daughter, as a jest.”
Not really in jest. In every life, my Tulip yearned for a daughter.
“Ruth,” she said softly. “Ruth.”
“Do you remember…?”
“No.” She shook her head quickly. “I’ll never remember any of this, I’m sure.”
She would never remember clearly, and yet she would know things. That was as good as remembering. She was just afraid.
I knew the things that would trigger her memories. These books were just the beginning.
She chewed her lips—first the top, then the bottom, a quick motion. She shoved the book back and kept looking. “Who are the other people who love libraries?” she asked.
“Oh, the other kind are the ones who know the power books hold. Because someone told you books are dangerous. Someone has controlled what you read, because the things you read often become your most private thoughts.”
Take Me Slowly (Forever in Their Thrall Book 1) Page 14
