by Belleza
"Shirley said this is my home as much as it is yours," Asahd responded just to get her worked up.
“It sure is!” she replied breaking away from me and going over to him for a hug.
Since my secret was now out in the open, I expected things to get awkward. I was thankful it wasn't. I noticed the change though now he only called Shirley and me by our first name. It usually was Unc or Auntie Shirley, but now that he knew my blood ran through his it was just Ern. He was grown, and I couldn't make the boy call me pop. I always told myself if he never accepted the fact that I was his father it was just a pill I had to swallow. Despite the fact I was present in his life, I did rob him of a father and son bond.
I turned my glass of Whiskey up and sat down on the sofa. They both approached me, and we exchanged handshakes, and they sat down as well.
“What brings you here?” I asked him.
“Shit, I’m just trying to stay out the way,” Asahd said. “Can I have some of that?”
He pointed to my glass, and I shook my head. That boy knew I shared everything but my liquor.
"Nah, son get ya own," I replied, and we all fell quiet hearing the word son leave my mouth. I called Asahd and his brothers my boys and told the world they were my nephews but treated them like they were all my sons, but now the term was much different. Even though Asahd was accepting of me being his father, I didn’t want to feel like I was pushing myself on him.
Shirley cleared her throat and patted Asahd’s leg. “There’s plenty of drinks at the bar. I will get you something.”
"I'll take vodka on ice with a splash of cranberry," he finally spoke up cheesing at her, and she blushed. "You so sweet Shirley."
“Anything for you, spoiled brat,” she laughed getting up off the couch and heading to the back. I just knew it was her way of giving us time to talk about the awkward moment.
“What’s going on?”
Asahd sighed and placed his elbows on his lap rubbing the top of his head and dragging it down his face. "Camille is killing me, man. Why y'all ain't warn me about this pregnancy crap? The shit was all I ever wanted, and now I'm ready to get rid of her and keep the baby."
"Ya brothers ain't warn you?" I laughed not knowing how pregnancy went because Shirley couldn't have kids after getting her uterus removed when she was younger. Sadly I wasn't a part of the process of him being born either because his mother up and left.
“Fuck no.”
"You're not getting rid of nothing," Shirley returned handing him his glass that was decoratively garnished with fruit. All I could do was shake my head because she spoiled them, damn boys, something crazy and hadn't stopped even though they were all grown with children of their own.
“She’s treating me bad,” he all but whined. “All she wants to do is eat junk food and complain about shit telling me she’s not good enough for me. How?! I’m about to marry the girl!”
Shirley shook her head and positioned herself on my lap. “She’s pregnant and emotional.”
"Come on now, y'all gotta tell me something better than that. Zayne said the same shit, but I'm sorry, I need a little more. She's happy one minute and then the next she wants to cry and yell at me. I was watching the kids and that little nigga Jeremy almost got knocked out thinking he's big and bad. That started another argument with Camille after I done left her ass alone. I can't win for losing."
Shirley and I just laughed because we both can admit we never saw Asahd care this much for anyone outside of the family. It was exactly what he needed too. It slowed him down tremendously. Just like Shirley was the woman I needed, Camille was the one for him, and little mama was giving him a run for his money. He drove us insane with his badass, and now he was just simply getting a taste of his own medicine.
"Give it some time it'll past. I know it's something every relationship that's expecting go through."
Asahd grumbled something and took his drink back.
“You hungry?” Shirley asked him.
“Of course. Camille ain’t cooking for me.”
“I’ll be sure to pack something extra to go,” she chortled rising from my lap before she placed a kiss on my lips.
Shirley went off to the kitchen, and I focused on Asahd who now had the picture that was sitting on the console table in his hand. It was the only picture that I had of the three boys with their mother. Her back was turned to me because she was helping Zayne out of the swing while Johan pushed Asahd.
One thing I can attest to when their mother was good, she was good, but those moments were far and very few. It figured I'd capture the moment to remind them of who she was because I knew the route she was heading was deeper into the mess she pulled herself into.
It was mayhem in the streets when I put out strict orders not to serve her, had to fight with her to get checked into rehab and when she escaped, I was dropping bodies like it was nothing because some niggas thought a quick buck was more important than my word. I tried. I really did try with her, and eventually, I gave up and put all my focus on the three of them.
"Is this her?" he mumbled, never breaking his gaze at the picture. I tried to read him in an attempt to figure out how it made him feel, but Asahd was stone-faced.
“Yeah.”
“So she did something after all besides smoke,” he responded placing the picture back. “Shirley knows you have that?”
"She put it up. I don't keep anything from my wife, and she's very content. She doesn't want to take the place of y'all mother."
Asahd chuckled and leaned back on the couch turning the glass up until it was empty. “Funny. I don’t even remember that shit.”
“Is there anything you remember?”
“Finding her dead,” he replied with a cold stare. “Her getting high. Her fucking niggas. Her slapping us when we told her we were hungry. Do I need to continue?”
I released a breath and emptied my glass too. I saw the conditions they lived in and felt bad as fuck I waited until she was gone to take them in. The guilt ate away at me like a disease. I had a laundry list of the foul shit I've done. The only thing I feared the most was my Karma coming back and hitting me hard because I wasn't there when I knew them boys needed me the most. Yes, I took them in once she passed, but they needed me way before Asahd was born.
"Nah, I understand though. Trust me I do. I tried to help her out as best as I could, but she ain't want it. I believe if she were clean she would've been everything y'all wanted and needed. The drugs controlled her life."
"Thank God for you," Ashad responded in a huff, and again, I wasn't sure if he was serious or being sarcastic because in the situation I wasn't exactly a savior.
"I could've done better, and I'm sure you don't want to talk about this, but again I'm sorry for keeping it away from you that I am your father. You don't see I'm just as wrong as your mother knowing you were my son and I watched you deal with shit you shouldn't have."
“That’s true.”
"So why don't you hate me?" I inquired. It killed me to ask that because of course, I didn't want my only son to detest me, I just wondered why he was so at ease with me when I kept things from him.
Asahd got quiet and just shrugged his shoulders. "What do you think Mill is having?" he questioned changing the subject.
“I’m hoping another little girl, between y’all, Johan kids, and now Zayne’s baby I had enough of boys. I need more little princesses like Naa.”
Asahd finally had a smile on his face, and his eyes lit up. "I think I want another little girl too."
“Naa might not like Uncle Sahdy having another leading lady.”
“You heard me say another little girl. They’re both my babies.”
"Give me about five more grandkids, and I'll be a happy man."
“I got you,” Ashad replied with a half smile.
Shirley called us from the kitchen, and we both stood to go eat some food to soak up most of the liquor. As tough as I was my only fear was letting Asahd down even though I think I've done it so
many times in the past. My thing was that I had to let go and accept that we were on good terms and he really didn't have any ill feelings towards me.
MILL
The next morning I woke up in bed alone and I was thankful for that because I wasn’t feeling Asahd at all. He was starting to feel like a drill sergeant rather than a significant other.
Yes, I understood where he was coming from but everything he was preaching was easier said than done because he wasn’t the one carrying the baby and battling the cravings and constant hunger.
Reaching for my phone on my dresser, I scrolled through the many text messages and phone calls from Nicole. Asahd must’ve contacted her about a new Venue because she flooded my inbox with pictures and was badgering me to set up time with her to go see it.
I released a deep breath and placed my phone back down because it was only eight in the morning and I was still in bed.
Being pregnant was joyful, but not working was something I wasn’t use to. Had I known I would’ve been banned from working due to complication the job brought on I may have been more cautious when it came to waiting to be a mother. I couldn’t do anything too stressful. I had to watch what I ate, my doctor’s appointment were twice a month rather than every month.
Sure, the time off from work gave me time to focus on other things like the growth of my child, the wedding and the upcoming holiday, but I didn’t feel complete not being able to do what I loved as well, and that was teaching.
Finally getting out of the bed, I scooted to the edge and walked into the bathroom. I handled my morning hygiene brushing my teeth, gargling with mouthwash, and then jumping in the shower. Once I was done cleaning, I dried off and slipped into a navy sweatsuit and my UGGs and fixed my hair in a low bun. I wasn’t even in the mood to get dolled up or attempt to, so however my baby hairs was laying was exactly how it was going to stay.
After taking my wallet out my purse, and picking up my iPhone, I went down stairs and took my coat out of the closet downstairs and pocketed my belongings as I headed out the door.
My eyes rolled to the top of my head once I felt how cold it was outside and Asahd’s aggy ass voice about me not having my coat and hat on.
As I walked down the street to Zayne and Keira’s house, I slipped into it even though I was literally taking it off ten seconds later.
I had the code to get into their house, but I wasn’t walking into nothing they were doing. They were always up to something. I rang the doorbell and waited until the door was pulled open and Keira came into view.
“You must’ve smelled the food,” she said stepping aside so I can come in.
“I didn’t feel like being home and you know I’m hungry.”
“You obviously ain’t feel like cooking either.”
I shrugged off my coat cutting my eyes at her. “Bitch.”
“It’s wayyy too early for foul language,” she responded sarcastically.
After hanging up my coat, I followed her to the kitchen where a plate was already set out with sausage, eggs, bacon and French toast with a side of fruit salad.
“I was seconds from calling you down here chocolate drop.”
“Glad to know someone thinks of me,” I replied taking a seat and lifting the fork that was next to the plate. “Where’s Zayne and Za’naa?”
“He took Naa to school. He probably won’t be back until late.”
“I thought Naa wasn’t feeling well.”
“I said the same thing but she’s not missing school for nothing. She says it’s a little cold.”
“I wished I had students like Naa. I probably would’ve been in class teaching right now.”
“That’s because your ass wants to play superwoman catering to those bad ass kids. Their own parents don’t want them, so why do you want to deal with them?”
I simply rolled my eyes at her as she moved around the kitchen cleaning up. It was said later in the pregnancy women got lazy, however, Keira was up and about almost every day as if she wasn’t going to drop Zay’d any day now.
“It’s what I love to do and sometimes you can’t blame the kids for the way they turned out when they have no real guidance. Nowadays parents think dressing up a kid in the latest fashion is good parenting. They need more than that.”
“Ha! Like I said it ain’t your job to fill those shoes. You rather risk your child’s life for one that isn’t yours?”
I picked over the eggs thinking about the amount of stress the school year has brought. The children were outrageous, and as much as I wanted to connect to them, I couldn’t deny it they were a piece of work.
One little boy took his pants off and ran up and down the hall and openly admitted he heard voices. If they weren’t distracting other students, they were either fighting each other or trying to fight a teacher. I thought it was something I could handle until I blacked out and the doctor ordered me to take a leave and Asahd wasn’t trying to let me go back and teach at all.
Keira must’ve sensed my sadness and stopped what she was doing to face me.
“Take this little break to get yourself together and relax.”
“Listen, I’m trying to embrace the fact that I have time to do a slew of things and relax but face it, I’ve never been this girl to sit around and not do anything.”
“You have your wedding and baby to prepare for.”
“I am more than a soon to be wife and mother, Keira.”
We both shot each other a look until she broke the stare down with an eye roll. “Stop being dramatic. Everyone that knows you knows you’re not lazy, but you’re killing yourself worrying about stuff you can’t control. It’s either the world or your baby and please tell me you choose the latter.”
“Of course!”
“Then why are you crying?!”
“I’m sorry for whining,” I replied in a huff. “You don’t have annoying ass Asahd bitching about food and shit.”
“What food? Food or snacks.”
“Does it matter?”
“Actually, it does because Zayne was the same way.”
“He called me a fat ass because I was eating a box of honey buns.”
Keira bust out laughing and my frown deepened because I didn’t find it funny last night, and it damn sure ain’t change this morning.
“What else do you expect him to call you when you eat a box of cakes? You know he hates that.”
“That’s rude and all the junk you were eating Zayne wasn’t calling you out ya name.”
“Maybe but we got into plenty arguments over it. You’re just emotional and want things your way which is fine. In due time this little phase will pass. Just stop stuffing your face with honey buns,” she laughed.
I shook my head and continued eating. “I don’t like none of y’all.”
“It’s called tough love. Maybe you should eat better and focus on the wedding and the baby. Shouldn’t you be booking a maternity shoot once you find out the sex?”
I nodded my head. “Yup but fuck around with me there won’t be no wedding. Asahd won’t have to marry this fat ass.”
“Get out your feelings,” Keira replied waving me off and I shot her a bird.
“I’m losing my mind!” I whined. “I don’t feel like myself anymore. I want to go back to work.”
“Now that I can agree with.”
I let out a breath and slumped back into my seat rubbing my hand on my stomach. “It feels right, but yet again it doesn’t. I’m used to working and doing for myself even though I had you and daddy. Asahd wants me to stay home and play this housewife role that I don’t think I fit.”
“It’s like I’m just his shadow or some girl that got lucked up by screwing a rich man. I don’t want to be that woman Camille, just Asahd’s wife. I want to be known for so much more than that.”
“But you are going to be his wife. Why are you even complaining, you know how many hoes that’s busting it wide open to get a nigga? You about to have an entire family. A strong black crazy man that loves you.
”
“Does everything gotta be about color to you? That’s why you don’t like Rachel.”
“Listen honey, it’s either black or white with me. And I don’t like her because she doesn’t respect me. It has nothing to do with her skin color. Now, as for our men, you damn right I’m gonna point out their strengths and pipe up the fact they are some brothas. Our men don’t get enough credit when it’s due. Asahd, Johan and Zayne have their vices, but they are the true definition of good men, yet you’re complaining and I’m confused as to why.”
“I just want him to back off and let me work.”
“Who complains about working?! That asylum you were hired at isn’t work, it’s a death sentence and the fact that you passed out at work from all the stress is a tell-tale sign that teaching right now isn’t for you.”
“Shut up, Keira!”
I shot her a look and she only shook her head instead of going back and forth with me. I couldn’t accept the fact that she was right.
“You don’t gotta tell me twice,” she spun back around and continued to clean the counter. “I can’t wait for you to have this baby.”
I don’t know if she said that intentionally, but she said it loud enough for me to hear. I may have been tripping. I needed to get a hold of my emotions as soon as possible.
***
After eating breakfast, Keira and I decided to go to my parents’ house since my mother insisted on us coming to help her decorate the tree. This was something she did with us years ago that was sort of a tradition, but we were very much grown now. We still took our behinds over there because if we didn’t we wouldn’t hear the last of it.
She had my father go get her a 6-foot tree that was placed in the corner of the living room and the basic red, green and gold she always decorated the tree topping it off with the same black angel she had for years. My mother wasn’t a pack rat, but she was great at keeping things she valued.
With her and my father sober for months now they’ve been keeping busy at the shop. If my mom wasn’t helping out she was shopping for the grandkids; which consisted of Asahd’s nieces and nephews and the two that were on the way. Yup, we’ve become one big blended family.
