by Becca Ann
At least I know Nate didn’t kill another gerbil since she didn’t have the heart to replace Mr. Pippi after the unfortunate accident.
Curiosity has me moving towards the edge of the bed. “Why is he an idiot?”
“The dope thought he knocked me up.”
“Did he?” I blurt out.
“No!” She tucks the stray hair behind her ear. “I mean I thought for a second, but I didn’t tell him.”
It’s as if she just punched me in the stomach. “Aren’t you on the pill?” I know the pill isn’t a hundred percent reliable, but it’s darn close. I hope.
“I missed a couple days. But whatever, I got my period this morning.”
The breath I didn’t even realize I was holding bursts out. “I still don’t get why he’s an idiot.”
“He proposed!”
I’m pretty sure my mouth just hit the floor. Eyes are somewhere on the other side of the room. Proposed? We’re in high school. This isn’t some cheesy television show based on unrealistic teens. You don’t get engaged in high school.
“Is he crazy?”
Kaylee nods, eyebrows rise so high they might hit the ceiling. “My thoughts exactly.”
“So what’d you say? Did you say yes?”
“Heck no. I’m eighteen. . He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with. I’m not going to marry him.”
That’s a relief. But wait…
“What are you saying?”
Kaylee glances up at me with her big green eyes, but the bright spirit that oozes from her is gone, blocked by a sheet of gloss. “We’ve been together a year.” She shrugs and looks down into her lap. “How many couples do you know dated in high school and are still together?”
A tear escapes and lands on her tanned leg. She doesn’t seem to notice. It drips down the side, and she doesn’t wipe it away.
“Pop-pop and Grams,” I blurt out. “And they are the happiest, strongest couple I know.”
“And they’re one in a million. Look at the more obvious examples. Your parents. Ryan’s parents. They’re the norm. This isn’t a romance novel, Lex. You don’t stay with your high school sweetheart. I’ve been living in this fairytale and for what? To set myself up for the inevitable? Wait for things to go sour and for us to wind up hating each other.”
Who is this girl and what has she done to my Kaylee? She left all perky pigtail, hopeless romantic and returns dark and bitter and…wrong. It’s just wrong.
Think Lex. There has to be something I can say.
“But Kaylee… you’re the rabbit to his hat.”
“More like the lion to his cage. Did you not see how he’s been treating me? All macho and protective.”
My arms fly up as if I’m not controlling them. “He thought you were pregnant.”
“And could you imagine if I actually was? He’d smother me to death.”
“At least you have a boyfriend who wants you. Mine just jumped across the freakin’ couch to get away from me.”
I don’t mean to change the subject. Kaylee is obviously going through some major stuff, but so what if Nate wants to keep her safe. He is only doing what he thinks is right. Doing the only thing he knows how. Loving her. How could she hold that against him?
“Ryan’s crazy about you,” Kaylee says like she’s thrilled for the subject change. “He has been for a long time. Maybe he’s just scared you’re not on the same page as him. Like he’s in deeper than you, and he wants to wait until the playing field is even. He wants it to mean as much to you as it does to him.”
“I never thought about it like that.” Maybe Kaylee is right. Ryan’s stubborn. He never thought he was good enough for me—dumbass—and maybe he feels the same way about being the one who takes my virginity. Could that really be it? Idiot! Seems to be a case of that going around. But before I can fix me and Ryan, I need to fix Kaylee and Nate.
Changing the subject has worn off. The tears that have been threatening to pour out the minute she told me she turned Nate down have turned into a full on waterfall. She’s trying hard to push them back, but she can’t stop them from rolling down her cheek.
This is insane. Kaylee and Nate are the ideal couple. People dream about finding their perfect match, and she’s ready to throw that away.
“This isn’t about me.” I hook my arm around her shoulder and pull her close. “What the hell are you thinking?”
“Excuse me?” She squeaks and pulls away before wiping the tears away. Black eyeliner smears across her cheek, and I reach for a tissue on the night stand. I dab her eyes clean.
“Who else are you going to get to take swing dance lessons with you? And who is going to write you love letters that you love so much you keep in your bag just so you can read them whenever you want? And who is going to pull bouquets out of thin air when you’re having a bad day?”
She shrugs.
“And it might be a one in a million chance, but Nate is one of kind, and he was made for you. Don’t let his love for you be the thing that pulls you two apart. It’s the best thing about him.”
Kaylee bites her lip, the tears stopping and just when I’m about to really lay into her, she stands and walks out the door. What just happened?
I run after her, and when we reach the living room, Nate looks up and like a timid cat freezes, eyes widen, looking too terrified to move. As if he leaves his spot his whole world is going to be destroyed.
Ryan stands behind Nate, eyes on me looking for a clue, but I can’t give him one. For once I have no idea what either of them are thinking. Their gazes are held, the tension so high I think I might suffocate.
Kaylee is all stoned cold poker face, but when Nate cocks a bushy eyebrow, a smile spreads across her face, and she takes off. She slams into his chest, arms tightening around his neck. Nate looks up whispers a thank you to the heavens and wraps her in an embrace.
“I’m so sorry,” Kaylee says just loud enough to be heard.
“No, I’m sorry. I panicked.” Nate pulls away from her until he’s staring into the green depths of her eyes. “I love you, Kaylee, more than I can ever put into words, and I want to marry you someday. But right now. I just want to be with you.”
“And I want to be with you too.” She throws her arms around him again, and he scoops her off her feet. A giggle slips and just like that everything is right again.
“Excuse us,” Nate says, and he runs with Kaylee to their room. The door slams shut, and I turn to Ryan and smile.
I cross the room until I’m in his arms. He goes to pull away, but I won’t let him. Not again. If I can help fix one relationship I damn well better be able to fix my own.
He runs a finger down my jaw line. He’s so hot and cold these days. One minute he’s pulling away, the next he’s doing things like this. Things that make my breath hitch and my stomach flutter.
“What’d you say to her?” he asks, minty breath hot against my cheek.
I run my hands through his hair and rest them on the back of his head. “Just made her see what she already knew.”
“You never cease to amaze me.”
“Well now that one problem is fixed. We have one more to go.”
“Oh really. And what’s that?”
“Finding out why you don’t want to have sex with me.”
I might as well have kicked him in the balls. His breath sucks in and he jumps back.
“W-what are you talking about?”
“Every time we get close you pull away. Just like now.”
He looks down at the space he’s created, and I step towards him. I think of what Kaylee said to me and just go for it. No holding back now. Just have to let it out so he knows I’m all in. “Do you think I don’t love you as much as you love me? Because I do.”
He rubs the back of his neck, avoiding any and all eye contact. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it, Ry? Are you not attracted to me? I know I’m not rail thin, and one of my boobs is bigger than the other, but…” Tears prick my eyes, and
Ryan’s finger rests on my lip.
“Don’t. You’re beautiful. Everything about you is amazing.”
“Then why don’t you want to have sex with me?”
“I do…” He goes to say something else and stops. His fingers reach for the bridge of his nose, and once he starts pinching, I know he’s holding something back.
“Damn it, Ryan, talk to me. Please.” I pull his hands away from his nose so I can see the dark irises of my best friend, the boy I have fallen so madly and deeply in love with.
Darkness lightens, I smile to give him the extra push he needs. His mouth moves, but no words come out. Instead he shakes his head, removes my hands from him and walks out the door.
I suck in a jagged breath as if the wind is knocked out of me. Tears prick my eyes and my legs become a wobbly mess. I fall against the wall, and my body slides down until it hits the floor. I pull my knees into my chest. Like Kaylee only moments ago, I try to fight the tears. But who am I fooling?
I lost the fight the minute Ryan denied me and let the door slam shut.
Never did I think there’d come a day when I couldn’t read his mind. Know exactly what he was thinking through his body language. It’s as if he’s locked me out. Everything I thought I l knew about him is wrong.
When did that happen? When did my best friend become a stranger?
I choke on my sobs and let my hair fall into my face. I don’t care that I’m in the middle of the living room and anybody can walk in on me. There’s no use hiding. The truth will come out eventually.
Ryan doesn’t want me. He just doesn’t know how to let me go. A warm hand rests on my knee.
“Hey. You okay?”
I look up into familiar eyes, but they’re actually not familiar at all. I know nothing about the boy behind them.
“Hi Brett. I’m good.” I try to sound as peppy as possible, but with tears staining my cheeks and snot running down my face, I don’t think he’s convinced.
“No offense, but you have black shit smeared all over your face and for a hot girl you look like ass,” he says with a smile.
“I feel like it.”
“Let me guess. My brother.”
“Ding, ding, ding, we got us a winner.”
“Want me to kick his ass now?”
“As tempting as that sounds, no.” I might be fuming mad and disappointed in him, but I’d never wish bodily harm on him. Besides if anyone was going to hurt him it would be me.
“Want me to get you anything?” Brett asks, and the way the skin pinches at the bridge of his nose, I know I can ask for anything, and he’ll get it for me. It’s scary how much he’s like his brother.
“I think I’m just going to go to bed.”
He reaches his hand out and helps me up. “Want me to tell Ryan anything when he comes back?”
As a matter of fact. “Tell him the door’s locked, and he can sleep in the Lincoln for all I care.”
“Want me to go crack the window so the mosquitoes get in?”
“I won’t stop you.” I walk to my room before the tears overtake me again. I lock the door and flop onto bed.
Without Ryan the bed is humongo. Like seriously could fit a bear and its cubs in here. Stupid bears. Now all I can think about is our senior trip at the ski lodge and all our nights in bed together.
I paint my nails Brights Power, hoping the shine will put me in a better mood. It doesn’t. If anything I want to take it off. Exchange it for something darker, gloomier. But none of my polishes can describe how I feel. None can be as empty and lonely as I am right now. For once in my life there’s no nail polish to make me feel better.
I twist the ring Ryan gave me, lie down on the bed and let sleep consume me.
***
The knocking gets louder and I crawl into a ball. Daddy will find me. I just have to stay here. He said he’d be back. He wouldn’t leave me. The big scary guy Mommy brought home will leave once Daddy gets here.
Just keep the door locked and stay close to the wall. The banging will stop. It always does. He’ll fall asleep. And then Mommy will too.
The door flies open, and I scream. I kick and punch and try to get him to leave me alone. But he says I was a bad girl and bad girls deserve to be punished. He’s going to spank me. I don’t want to be spanked.
I scream again. Daddy where are you? I kick and flail and….
Sweat drips down my face, hair matted to my cheek. The knocking gets louder, I hear my name, but I can’t move.
“Lexie, open the damn door!” Ryan’s voice drifts into the room. I ignore it. My mind too focused on one simple fact.
The nightmares are back.
Chapter 17
Ryan
“What the hell?” Brett says, sliding from his room and rubbing his eyes. “Shut up! It’s like three in the morning.”
I ignore him and continue pounding on mine and Lex’s door. No way am I stopping either. I could hear her screaming from my make-shift bed on the porch.
“Yo, jackass!” he yells, and I’m tempted to put my fist somewhere else besides the door. “Do us all a favor and leave her alone.”
“What’s going on?” Nick says, poking his head out from his room down the hall. He has no shirt on and hands sneak out around his neck and pull him back in his room before Brett or I can answer. Not that I would’ve anyway.
I jiggle the handle for the thousandth time. “Lex, please. Open this door!” I can’t stand this shit. It’s killing me she’s not letting me in, that I can’t hug her, kiss her, make it all go away like she does every freaking time for me. Instead of my fist, I pound my head on the wood, voice cracking as I say, “Please Lex. I heard you…please…let me in.”
Nothing.
My hand flattens on the door, wishing I could reach in and pull her out. I want to show her just how much I love her, and I’m here to keep her safe. Even from her own head. Because, hell…she keeps me safe from mine.
I pound one more time, and Brett tosses his hands in the air. “Man, just go back to the doghouse so we can all sleep.”
He can go straight to hell, along with his big nose he likes to stick in everyone’s business.
“Lex, I’m sorry. I know you’re mad.” I lower my voice. “But please let me in.” I’m almost to my knees, I need her that bad.
I hear a door click and my chest sparks, till I realize it’s Nate and Kaylee’s room, and not the one I’m trying to get into.
“Move out of my way,” Kaylee says, storming across the hall in just her bra and underwear. My eyes immediately go to Nate so he knows I’m not trying to look at his girl. Besides, she’s like my sister, and I’m ready to toss my hoodie at her. Well, if I had access to it.
Kaylee pounds her tiny fist on the wood. “Alexis Boggs, don’t make me break down this door.”
Two seconds later, the knob turns and a hand reaches out and yanks Kaylee in the room. The door slams another two seconds after that.
Guess I have to have tits in order to get her to talk to me.
I keep my eyes locked on Nate, ignoring my brother still standing in the hallway. Nate rubs his hand over his face, then ruffles his dark hair. “There’s an extra room, if you want,” he offers.
I shake my head. I don’t want to bring up how I know Lex is having nightmares and I’m not going to leave her alone. Maybe if Brett goes back to bed, I’ll explain that, but not while he’s standing right there.
“Ah, shit,” Brett says, leaning against his doorframe. “Just take the extra room and get comfortable.” He grimaces. “You won’t be getting screwed tonight, so drop it and let us all sleep.”
A tremor goes up my spine and before I know what I’m doing, my hands curl around his T-shirt and I throw him against the wall. My nose is practically touching his as I slam his head into the wall again.
“Whoa, dude!” Nate shouts at me, but it buzzes through my ears not registering in my brain. All I want to do is kick Brett’s ass, and Nate better keep his distance if he doesn’t want to ge
t hit.
“Shut the hell up. You don’t know anything about Lex, or about me. Or anything about my life. You want me out of your shit? Then stay out of mine.”
Brett holds his hands up as if in surrender. “I just want to sleep off this hangover, man. All the pounding and yelling doesn’t help much.”
Heat rolls through my neck. “The hell you just want to sleep.” He’s trying to come off innocent when he knows he’s pissing me off on purpose. He’s relishing in the fact Lex and I are fighting. And that stupid half-smile on his mouth says it all.
I bring my fist back, wanting to sock that look off his face, when a door opens, and I hear, “Ryan!”
It’s the only voice in the world that will stop me. I take a few breaths before dropping the fabric in my sweaty palm, and uncurling my fingers. Prickling rises to the back of my eyes as I flick them to Lexie. Her gorgeous eyes look bloodshot. Her hair is matted and sweaty. She’s standing somewhat behind Kaylee, her mouth slightly open and expression torn between shock, fear, and concern.
I don’t want her to be afraid. Especially of me. And even though this may scare her, I seize the opportunity, letting go of Brett’s shirt and closing the distance between us. I pull her into our room, shut the door behind us, and lock it.
I need to take a beat before we talk—before I do anything. I want to immediately wrap her in my arms and tell her I love her and I’m sorry for being an ass. But I need a freaking breather.
He’s so much like me, and not like me. He pisses me off, infuriates the hell out of me, then I see myself sometimes when I look in his face and it sends me over the edge. I hate my mom. I hate her for doing what she did to Dad. I hate her for having an entire family and not telling me about them.
I hate that I know he feels the same way.
And I keep letting that bug me so much, it’s putting up a wall between me and Lex. I know I want her. I want her so bad. But I also know if we have sex, I’ll release all the tension and shit I’ve kept inside on her. I won’t be thinking about her. All I’ll want is a release for me. How the hell is that fair to her?
A few more calming breaths later, and I finally look at her. I push back all the frustration I have swirling through my body, and we both pop our mouths open at the same time.
