And for what?
For peace of mind?
The irony of it all ate at him constantly. He’d sought peace and found a hell far worse than anything he’d ever imagined.
That was why he freed the Americans trapped by the Brits. He wanted to save them from making his mistake. Save them before they found a means to ruin their lives with hatred and vengeance.
“Morgan?”
She placed a soothing hand on his arm. It was the first time he’d heard his name from her lips, and it sounded like a gentle caress. Did something to him that he couldn’t explain or define.
“Serenity,” he said, his voice pleading. “Don’t make me have to hurt you.”
I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.
He saw the fear in her eyes. If only he could make her understand. But not even he understood why he’d done all the things he had.
How he wished he could go back and change his past. To have that day back when he had first flown the Jolly Roger…
“Serenity,” he said, letting out his breath, “If you write this story, you will destroy so many people.”
He pulled her into his arms and held on to her as tightly as he could. He wasn’t sure why, but he needed the comfort of her presence, the feel of her body against his.
And she felt so wonderful. Her feminine curves molding perfectly against his front.
If he could have one wish, it would be to have met her as a different man. A land-based man who might be free to make an offer for her.
But he had ruined any chance he might have for such a life. He’d been at sea too long, and old sailors were never content on shore. Nay, they died there. Died of stagnation and boredom.
Serenity could barely breathe from his tight embrace, but she didn’t mind. For some reason she enjoyed his crushing hold, enjoyed the smell and feel of him.
And in that instant, she knew she couldn’t hurt Morgan. She would never write her story. Even though it was probably the greatest story she could ever relay to the public, it wouldn’t be worth the cost.
Unlike Morgan, she would never sell her soul for her quest.
“Just tell me why,” she whispered, “and I’ll never tell a soul what I’ve learned.”
He gave a hoarse, half laugh. “Can you honestly do that?”
“If I understand why.”
Morgan leaned his cheek against the top of her head. And then he did the most unbelievable thing, he actually explained himself to her.
“I didn’t set out to be a pirate, Serenity. I want you to know that. Never in my wildest imaginings did I see myself committing the crimes I’ve done in my life.”
He toyed with a shiny lock of her hair, trailing it between his fingers. “After I escaped from the British navy, I signed aboard a small French sloop and worked like a dog for close to a year. I was saving up money, trying to pay investigators to find my sister, trying to save enough money so that I could take care of us when I found her.
“But it wasn’t enough. It was never even close to enough. I could barely afford to pay the investigators, and what little was left…”
Serenity’s heart ached for the agony she saw on his face. She had seen firsthand on board this ship just how hard sailor’s work was. Morgan had been scarce more than a boy when he started his life at sea.
He released her and stepped away. “One day we were in the Caribbean when a ship attacked. It was Black Jack Rhys.”
“But he didn’t kill you. Why?”
Morgan shrugged. “I don’t know. Just as Jake was going to cut my throat, he changed his mind. He said I would make a fine addition to his crew.”
Serenity nodded. Deep down she knew she couldn’t fault Morgan for joining Jake’s crew. No doubt, Jake would have killed him instantly had he refused. “So, you became one of them.”
He stopped and gave a short laugh. “Not at first. Like you, dear Serenity, I thought they were repugnant.”
She had never said repugnant. Just cold-blooded, vile, loathsome…
“What changed your mind?”
He gave a deep, bitter laugh. “Greed. Once I found out how much money there was to be made as a pirate, I couldn’t resist. I had tried honest labor and all I had to show for it were blistered hands and a striped back. But as a pirate…”
At least he looked embarrassed about it, she thought.
“In less than six months I had enough money for my own ship.”
“And you became the Marauder.”
“The scourge of the seas,” he said with a hint of humor in his voice.
“How can you joke about that?” she asked, aghast.
He sobered. “It’s not a joke. I know that. But I consoled myself that I wasn’t lining men up and killing them either. I preyed solely on the Brits and Isaiah Winston’s ships. To me at the time, it was all justified. Especially once I found my sister.”
Serenity thought about what horrors his sister must have faced. “Barney told me what Winston had done to her.”
His eyes tormented, he looked away. “You can’t imagine what she looked like when I found her. The things that had been done to her. I pray God that you never know the terror she was subjected to.”
Serenity reached out to touch him. He covered her cold hand with his warm fingers and gave a light squeeze that sent a chill up her arm.
“I went after any Brit I could I find,” he said with a sigh. “I goaded them into fights, forced them to face me even when all they wanted was to flee. I’m not proud of what I did. At the time, I couldn’t see past my rage.”
Shaking his head, he continued. “I know now that each one of them had a family as well. A family I pray to God every night didn’t suffer as much as Penelope because of my actions.
“But Penelope was so broken by the experience,” he whispered. “All I wanted from that moment on was blood. I blamed the Brits for buying me and keeping me from protecting her. I blamed Winston for his selfish greed, and I blamed myself for not finding her sooner. You can’t imagine how much hatred I carried with me. The weight of it was enough to crush every decent or merciful impulse I’d ever had. And it was then, in that instant of my rage, the Marauder you’ve heard of was born.”
She took a deep breath to fortify herself. So, the stories were true.
“Then you did—”
“Yes, I was ruthless,” he said, cutting her off with his lethal, hate-filled tone. It felt as if he were trying to impart his feelings to her, as if he were reaching out to her in a way that was alien to him.
Her fingers tingled from the pressure of his hold. Still, she didn’t withdraw.
“When did you stop?”
“During the war. By then I had made a sizable dent in Winston’s company. My anger and hatred had been dulled by the uselessness of my personal quest, and I began to crave freedom from my past. I wanted to bury the Marauder and so I petitioned the Colonies for a letter of marque against the Brits.”
He fell silent, his hand still crushing hers. Emotions played across his face and bitterness burned bright in his eyes.
“It’s ironic really,” he said, his voice hoarse. “In the end, I didn’t change my actions, just the reason. Instead of attacking ships for my own personal gain, I split the profits with the new government.”
“But I thought—”
“I know what you thought.” He reached up and gently stroked her cheek. His gaze softened as he looked into her eyes, and she noted the hint of admiration in the hazel depths of his eyes.
Something hot flickered deep in her stomach, an ache in a part of her she’d never before known existed. She wanted something from this man—something she didn’t even know how to define or explain. It was just a deep, soul-wrenching ache.
“You, my dear Serenity, are a dreamer. Reality is a far cry from the legends you write. The only difference between a privateer and a pirate is that a pirate makes more money.”
“Nay,” she said with a shake of her head. “The difference between a pirate an
d a privateer is modus operandi. A pirate takes no prisoners, leaves no survivors.”
“Not from what I’ve seen, and I don’t think you’ve known enough of either category to make that judgment.”
“Maybe, but still—”
He placed a finger over her lips to silence her protest. “Listen to me, Serenity. You can’t go around holding people up to some kind of imaginary measuring stick. No one could live up to the man you wrote about in your story. Especially not me.”
In that instant, he seemed more like her Sea Wolf than ever before. This man, haunted by his past and searching for…
Peace of mind?
Redemption?
She frowned as she realized she had no idea what it was he truly sought. He had said his fury was dulled. He’d destroyed Winston. So what was left for him?
When all was said and done, what then would become of the pirate turned patriot?
“What is it you want out of life?” she asked. “Will you spend the rest of your life wresting Americans away from the British? Or is there something more you want?”
Morgan sighed. “I’ve never given it much thought. I suppose I’ll be like Barney, an eccentric old man walking around with a bald old bird.”
She smiled in spite of herself.
He looked down at her. “What about you?”
Her smile fading, she sighed as she thought about her useless wants. Other than writing, there had only been one other thing in her life that had seemed important. Something that was every bit as illusive and impossible as her wish for a career. “I always wanted children,” she confessed past the lump in her throat. “Two boys and two girls.”
“Then why did you never marry?”
She gave a bitter laugh. “Who would marry me? What with my ludicrous ideas of mutiny, what man could ever put up with it?”
Morgan smiled gently at her. Any man with an ounce of common sense would put up with her.
But he couldn’t say it out loud. Confessing that might give her hopes about them. After all, she was a reckless dreamer who already fancied him as some sort of mythic legend. He didn’t dare say anything that might make her think she could win him over.
He’d already made that mistake with a woman, and he wasn’t the type of man who repeated his mistakes.
Unlike Serenity, he was a realist who had banished foolish dreams along ago.
Even so, he stroked her soft cheek with the back of his fingers, wishing that things were different. That he was different.
“I have your word then?” he asked her. “You’ll never write one word about my identity?”
Her eyes twinkled mischievously, and deep inside he cringed. “Only if you promise me one thing.”
He realized he had no choice. “Anything.”
“I want you to take me up to the crow’s nest.”
Chapter 10
“What?” Morgan asked, shocked by her unexpected demand.
“You heard me, Captain Crook,” she said saucily, removing his hand from her cheek. She tilted her head up to look at him. “I’ll keep your story to myself if you’ll take me up the rigging to the nest.”
Before he could stop himself, he laughed. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Next, you’ll want to be captain! Own your own ship.” He snorted in derision. “Why stop there? Why not be president of the Colonies?”
Her eyes narrowed in warning, “Need I remind you, Captain, that there have been women who have sailed as well as any man? Why, Anne Bonny and Mary Read were both said to have fought like a man when they and Calico Jack were taken. And when Anne Bonny went to see him in prison, she told him that if he had fought like a man, he wouldn’t die like a dog!”
He laughed even harder. “Where did you hear that?” he asked.
“I read it in one of my father’s books,” she said triumphantly.
Morgan continued smiling that annoying little smile that made her blood boil. “Well, should you ever meet Jake’s wife, you better not let her hear that or she’ll have your head.”
His words confused her. “Why?”
“She happens to be their granddaughter and she’s very defensive when it comes to those types of lies spread about her beloved grandmother, especially the rumors that say Anne Bonny was ugly.”
His smile fading, he cleared his throat. “However, though it galls me to admit it, you’re right about women donning men’s clothes and becoming sailors.
“But,” he said before she had a chance to gloat. “They weren’t well-bred ladies who had been reared in genteel homes. They were prostitutes or hoydens. Do you really want be added to their prestigious company?”
Serenity stepped away from him and looked out the windows and let the sea air caress her. The ocean air smelled so sweet and she wished for so many things that she knew would never be hers.
Longing swept over her so fiercely that she ached from it. “You’ve no idea what it’s like, Captain Drake, to be a woman. To be told all your life that everything you want is foolish and that you’re useless except as a broodmare.
“First it was simple. ‘Don’t climb that tree, Serenity. Ladies never do such.’ Then it was, ‘Don’t run, it’s not ladylike. Don’t raise your voice. Don’t speak your thoughts. Don’t laugh too loudly, don’t eat too much, don’t cut your hair, don’t wear those colors.’”
Unshed tears stung her eyes. “My whole life is don’t.”
Morgan watched her as she leaned her head against the glass. The wind whipped the tendrils of her hair out from her body and she looked so frail, so lost.
No, he couldn’t imagine what it must be like for her to want things and be told no at every turn. Once he’d escaped the British navy, his life had been his own. He’d done as he pleased.
“Now I’m too old to even be a broodmare.”
He barely heard her whisper.
Without thought, Morgan moved to stand behind her. He reached out to touch her soft hair.
She looked up at him from over her shoulder and he saw the raw pain inside her. “Can’t you understand—I want to know what freedom is like,” she breathed. “I want to climb the rigging and look out at the sea.”
“You are insane.”
“Probably,” she said, once again becoming the no-nonsense woman he had come to know. “But that’s my offer. Take it or leave it.”
Morgan smiled at her audacity. “You know, you’re not really in a position to argue. I could have you cut up into shark feed and no one would ever know.”
“Yes, but if that was your intention, then you wouldn’t have brought me down here. You said it yourself, Captain. You never harm an unarmed person.”
“Damn,” he teased. “Just my luck.”
She turned to face him, completely serious now. “Do I have your word?”
At the moment, he wondered who was the craziest between them. Certainly there was a bed in Bedlam with his name on it. “Aye, you have it then. But be warned, I’ll treat you just as I do my men. You’ll be expected to lift yourself up the rigging.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“No pity for you.”
She lifted her head up and stiffened her spine. “I ask for none.”
Morgan smiled wickedly. Here was his chance to prove to her why women were best suited for home life. And he wasn’t about to let it pass. Nay, one trip up the rigging and she’d be content with her woman’s role in life.
Aye, whether she wanted to admit it or not, women were the weaker sex and thus it was his duty to point that out to her.
“Very well then, Miss James, put your brother’s trousers back on. I’ll wait in the hallway while you dress.”
As soon as she was ready, she opened the door and smiled at him. “All right, Captain, I’m ready to face my greatest challenge.”
“You want to break your neck.”
She lifted her chin and gave him a saucy glare from the corner of her eye. “I want to climb up there and see the high seas.”
Morgan la
ughed. “Very well, but if you get killed, I’ll not take the blame.”
Her laughter joined his. “Don’t worry, I’ll just haunt you forever.”
His laughter dying, Morgan realized how true her words already were. He knew the image of her bright smile and laughing eyes would stay with him until the end of his days. Indeed, how could he ever forget the way she looked just now, standing before him in those black trousers, molded to perfection on her rounded hips. Her black shirt was knotted at her slender waist while her nipples protruded ever so slightly in the fabric. She was not the type of woman a man easily forgot.
Not the type of woman a man could have near him and not touch.
Get ahold of yourself.
But what he really wanted to get ahold of was her.
Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he led the way to the deck.
Morgan decided he was most definitely the one insane as he showed her how to hoist herself up the ropes that led to the crow’s nest. She hung above him, her hips undulating in a most provocative way as she shifted her weight.
His body strained against his seams and he damned himself for not leaving her in her dress.
Indeed, as if the sight of her garters and other things above your head would have been better than this!
“Make sure you keep your grip tight,” he said to her as she lifted herself up through the ropes. All in all, she was doing a great job of climbing up. She’d only slipped once.
“Don’t look down,” he heard her whisper as she reached up over her head and grabbed another line, and it was only then that he realized she was terrified.
“Are you okay, Miss James?”
“Fine.”
Funny, the curt word sounded more like a prayer than an answer.
“We can go back to the deck any—”
“No, no,” she assured him. “I’m getting along just fine.”
Morgan positioned himself directly under her. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall.”
Serenity glanced down at him. “Could you really catch me?” she asked.
“Absolutely. Besides, Barney would have my head if I let you make a mess on the deck.”
A Pirate of her Own Page 13
