by Naomi West
It was all so sudden that I didn’t even have a chance to say a word. But once we were back on the road, I collected myself and spoke.
“Mom!” I shouted out. “What are you doing?”
“What am I doing?” she asked. “No no no—the question is what the hell are you doing?”
The answer was obvious, but I didn’t want to say it out loud.
“Nothing,” I mumbled.
“No,” she said. “That’s not good enough. I want you to open that mouth of yours and tell me in precise words what you were planning on doing. Now.”
She wasn’t letting me off the hook, that was clear.
“I was … I was going to have an abortion.”
Mom shuddered.
“’Were,’” she said. “That’s the key word here. Because it’s not going to happen.”
“But … I can do it if I want!” I protested. “I’m a grown woman!”
“I don’t care,” she said. “There’s not a chance in hell I’m going to sit by while my daughter makes the worst decision of her life.”
“What?” I asked. “How would you know? What if I really thought about it and decided it was the only option I had?”
“It wasn’t the only option you had,” she said. “Hazel, I’m your mother—you could’ve come and told me. But instead you totally kept me in the dark.”
“How did you even find out?”
“Thank God one of the receptionists recognized Bonnie,” she said. “She called Bonnie’s mother who called me. Makes me sick to think about what would’ve happened if she hadn’t.”
I felt hopeless and scared. Mom was furious, and more than that, I was still pregnant.
Moments of silence passed before one of us spoke.
“I need to do this, Mom,” I said. “There’s no way I can have a kid right now. Especially not with …”
“Not with Dakota?” she finished.
“Right,” I said. “Neither of us are in any position to be parents. And he doesn’t even know.”
“So you thought you’d just go behind his back and take care of things? Never even tell him that he was going to be a dad? Never give him the option to say what he wanted?”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re the one who won’t let me talk to him!”
Mom shot me a hard look.
“You think I would’ve told you couldn’t talk to him if you’d let me know that you were carrying his kid?”
“I … I don’t know.”
“That’s right,” she said. “Because you were going to hide this from me too.”
She was right about that. I had nothing to say.
We drove in silence for several more minutes before Mom finally spoke.
“Do you know why I have such strong freaking opinions on this particular matter?”
“I don’t,” I said.
“You’re right,” she said. “You don’t. Now, let me ask you another question. Are you here?”
I crinkled up my brow in confusion.
“What?”
“I said, are you here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you exist?”
“I … yeah,” I said. “Of course I do.”
“That’s right,” said Mom. “Do you know why you exist?”
“Because … you gave birth to me?”
She nodded.
“Because I gave birth to you. Because I chose not to do what you were about to do.”
At that moment, I got it.
Mom took in a deep breath through her nose and spoke.
“When I found out I was pregnant with you, I went through exactly what you did. I was scared and confused and lost and thought no one would understand. And I came to the same conclusion that you did—that neither your father nor I were ready to have a baby.”
“Then what did you do?”
“I sucked it up and went to your dad. Told him everything. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. And he agreed that we weren’t ready to be parents. But here’s the thing—you’re never ready. There’s never going to be a time in your life when everything’s perfect and lines up just the way you want it. So, we talked and agreed that we’d have you, and do whatever it took to give you a good life.”
I said nothing, letting Mom go on.
“And it was the best decision that I’ve ever made in my life.”
I was surprised to hear that. There wasn’t a trace of regret in Mom’s voice.
“Really?” I asked. “I’d … I don’t know. I always thought that I stood in the way, that you couldn’t live the life you wanted because you had to raise me.”
Mom didn’t say a word. Instead, she pulled the car over to the side of the road, parked, and turned to me, her eyes soft and tear-sheened.
She reached over and took my hand.
“No, baby,” she said. “Never, ever think that. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Every day with you is like a gift, and never once have I ever thought that I made the wrong decision. And that’s why I did what I did. You’re going to have this baby, and I’m going to be there to help. And when this little boy or girl inside of you is the age you are now, you’re going to realize, just like I did, that you made the right decision too.”
Emotion overcame me. A tear trickled from my eye as I squeezed Mom’s hand back.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said.
“I love you, baby,” she said.
“And I love you.”
After a few more moments, she pulled the car back onto the road.
“But … now what?” I asked.
“Now you find the father. Find this Dakota guy. Let him know the truth. And no matter what, know that I’m here for you no matter what.”
Her words made all the difference. I was ready.
20
Dakota
Names HQ was packed, the men all assembled.
In the back of my head I’d imagined that the hit on Jay Jay wasn’t really going to happen, that Suntree and the rest of the high-ups would come to their senses and not risk a civil war in the MC. But over the last few weeks as I spent more time around Suntree, I realized that it was going to happen.
And today was the day.
A buzz on my phone jolted me to attention. I took it out and saw that it was a text from Suntree, the man himself.
“Come back to the office,” it read. “Would like your advice.”
That was another strange part of this whole thing. I’d always considered myself something of an outsider in the Names, but ever since I’d fallen under Suntree’s eye he’d taken something of a liking to me.
More and more, he’d been coming to me, asking me for my take on what he needed to do next in his path to power. And I was lower on the totem pole than him—telling him “no” wasn’t an option.
I had no idea what to make of this new position of power and influence, but there it was. Though I didn’t care all that much about being one of the men on top, the curious part of me couldn’t help but wonder where I was going to be in the mix once this whole thing was done shaking out.
Truth be told, there was only one thing that’d been on my mind over the last few weeks.
One person. Her.
Hazel.
Just the thought of her was enough to send a shiver up my spine. She was all I wanted, all I dreamed about. We’d only known each other for a short time, but she’d burned herself into my mind like a brand. I’d do anything to see her again.
But that wasn’t what she wanted. It hurt like hell, but I was starting to realize it was about time to get over it. I’d gone over to her place enough times to get the hint that she wanted nothing to do with me. And that was her call to make, whether I liked it or not.
I made my way back to Suntree’s office, my boots echoing down the empty hallway. I gave a knock on the door when I approached, and Suntree called me from inside to come in.
I opened the door and there he was, sitting on his desk, his lieutenants all ar
ound him. A big, beaming smile was on his face, as though I was the one person in the world he wanted to see and he couldn’t be happier that I was there.
“Dakota,” he said. “Come on in.”
He gestured to a chair in front of him, the eyes of the lieutenants fixed on me. I could tell that they still didn’t trust me. They were all likely wondering the same thing that I was—why I’d become the apple of Suntree’s eye.
I nodded to the men and sat down.
“How’s the scene out there with the rest of the men?” he asked.
“They don’t know what’s up, exactly. But they’ve got a pretty damn good idea.”
“And how do they feel about it?”
“You know the boys,” I said. “Not a man out there who’d say no to a fight.”
“If that’s indeed what this is,” said Suntree.
I raised an eyebrow.
“What, you thinking about calling it off?”
He shrugged.
“You never know,” he said. “Sometimes violence isn’t the answer.”
“Usually is,” said one of the lieutenants with a smirk.
“Usually is,” repeated Suntree.
“So,” I said. “I know the general idea. But what’s the exact plan?”
“Exact plan is move in on Jay Jay as he arrives at his usual hangout downtown. We overwhelm him with numbers and take him out. Don’t even give him a chance to react.”
The plan appeared sound—to someone who was going for the most obvious move, that is.
“You don’t look convinced, Dakota,” said Suntree.
“I’m not,” I said.
“And why is that?”
“Numbers is a good idea,” I said. “And you’d sure as shit take him down.”
“But …” said Suntree.”
“But that amount of men coming down on a single guy while he’s walking into a bar … not a good idea.”
“Is that right?”
“It’s right,” I said. “Because there’s the whole matter of getting the guys into position. You think a few dozen guys, all with violence on the brain, aren’t going to attract attention?”
Suntree said nothing, only giving a slight nod.
“Because they will. And then you’ve got the cops to deal with. And you’ve only got one chance at a hit like this.”
“Good point,” he said.
“‘You come at the king, you’d better not miss,’” I said. “Because if you do, it’s war. Jay Jay will go into hiding, and you’ll only get through him once you’ve taken out every last one of his men. And they’ll all be gunning for you.”
“Okay,” said Suntree, clapping his hands together. “You’ve convinced me. Now let’s hear a better idea.”
I had one in mind.
“You’re smart to want to have numbers,” I said. “So, let’s work with that.”
Another nod.
“But instead of a big melee, we get the guys into the bar. Send them in a few men at a time over the course of an hour or so. It’s a Names bar, so it won’t look out of the ordinary. Then, once you’ve got all your men in position, you make your move.”
“Hmm,” he said. “Won’t that have the same problem with attracting attention?”
“Nope,” I said. “Because if you move in hard and fast, you’ll be able to take him out before anyone realizes what’s going on. You kill Jay Jay, announce to the rest of the men there what you’ve done and why, and they’ll fall into line.”
“And if they don’t?” asked Suntree.
“Make an example out of a few of them,” I said.
The lieutenants chuckled, apparently liking this idea.
“Then they’ll fall into line.”
Suntree clapped his hands together once more.
“Sounds perfect to me,” he said.
“Great,” I said, getting ready to leave.
“Not so fast,” he said.
He nodded to his men, who all got up and left obediently.
Once they were gone, Suntree spoke.
“Dakota,” he said. “Have you put any thought into our last conversation?”
“About me moving up?”
“That’s right,” he said.
I shook my head.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Not sure if I want to be that high-profile.”
“That’d be a shame,” he said. “So much potential going to waste.”
“It’s how I like to do things,” I said.
“But it’s not how I like to do things,” said Suntree.
I gave him a curious look.
“What do you mean?”
“See, I like to have my men in positions that they’re capable of handling. And I don’t like to see them squandering their gifts. And that’s why I’m not going to let you just slink back into the shadows.”
“So … my fate in the Names isn’t up to me any longer?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Afraid not. Men with brains like you’ve got … it’d be criminal to not keep you close at hand. You’re going to have new responsibilities in the Names, and you’re going to be expected to live up to them.”
“I see,” I said.
“And think about it this way,” he said. “This means that along with more responsibilities, you’re going to be making more money. That sounds like just the thing to keep that new girl of yours good and taken care of.”
Of course Hazel had to get brought up.
“She’s … not my girl,” I said.
Suntree raised his eyebrows.
“Is that right?” he asked. “Too bad. Heard nothing but good things about her from little Miss Bonnie.”
He hopped up from the desk.
“Okay!” he said. “Time to get out there and let the men know what lies ahead. You think you’re ready, Dakota?”
“I suppose I have to be,” I said.
“You will be,” said Suntree. “I’ve got no doubt about it.”
He opened the door and let me out first. I couldn’t believe what I was getting myself into. The plan sounded good, but I knew how plans worked.
Something told me things were going to get very complicated.
21
Hazel
All I could do was lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling. The events of the day already seemed like something out of a dream, the conversation with Mom playing over and over in my head.
Every now and then my hand would drift down to my belly, coming to rest right over where I assumed the baby was.
This is it, I thought. This is really going to happen. I’m really going to be a mom.
I’d said the word “Mom” a million times over the course of my life, but now that I was applying it to myself it seemed strange to the ear, like something out of a foreign language.
Mom. Mom.
I said it again and again, mouthing the word. Soon I’d have a big round belly and a baby growing bigger by the day inside of it. My life had already changed forever, and now it was on the verge of changing into something I could hardly recognize, let alone predict.
And so far, I was going it alone. Well, not entirely—I still had Mom. But Dakota was still in the dark about all of this. I knew I needed to tell him, but the idea of such a conversation was enough to make my belly twist into tight little knots.
So much for having nothing to worry about other than midterms and finals.
I felt frozen, unable to move. Mom had gone back to work, leaving me here by myself for the evening. I had no idea what to do with myself, or how to handle this strange new situation that I found myself in the middle of.
My phone rang on the dresser, the buzzing filling the silence. I got up and checked the screen, seeing that it was a call from Bonnie.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” came Bonnie’s voice from the other end.
Her tone was weak and soft, and totally unlike the brash, loud-spoken Bonnie that I knew.
“Hey,” I said right back. “So …
weird day today, huh?”
“‘Weird’ hardly covers it,” she said. “I feel so stupid. I totally screwed this up for you.”
“No,” I said. “It’s … it’s okay.”
I could practically hear the surprised expression that had to have been on Bonnie’s face in reaction to my words.
“Are you serious?” she asked. “It was all because of me that you couldn’t go through with the, um, procedure. If I hadn’t been there and the nurse hadn’t seen my face, nothing would’ve happened and this all would be behind you.”
The words “behind you” stuck in my ear. That meant that the baby would’ve been gone, and I wouldn’t be looking forward to motherhood. Even so, soon after leaving the appointment and having the conversation with Mom, the idea of having actually gone through with it was to terrible to even think about.
“No,” I said. “It’s … it’s good. I talked with my mom on the way back. She gave me a different perspective on the whole thing.”
“Really?” asked Bonnie. “And now … what? You’re fine with it?”
“I’m fine with it,” I said. “I know it’s going to be a lot to deal with, and it’s not going to be easy, but I think I’m ready.”
A beat of silence passed.
“Wow,” she said. “That’s … really cool. I know if I were in your position I’d be freaking out.”
“I am, kind of,” I said. “It’s really scary to think about. But I’ve got a good feeling about it.”
“That’s … really good to hear,” said Bonnie. “You sound like you’re ready. I can tell by the tone of your voice.”
I felt the first smile of the day form on my lips.
“Thanks,” I said.
“But … there’s still the issue of Dakota, right?” she asked.
“Yep,” I said. “I guess I’m going to have to figure out the best way to tell him.”
More silence. I could tell that there was something Bonnie wasn’t telling me—something important.
“What is it?” I asked. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes.”
The word landed with a thud.
“What is it?” I shot out.
Worry grabbed hold of me. I imagined her telling me that something had happened to Dakota, that he’d been hurt … or worse. I knew things were tense with the Names, and danger was a part of the life he lived.
