by Donna Fasano
Cassie couldn't help but smile at their budding independence before she dipped her head down and became once more immersed in the textbook.
She scanned the science book and felt her stomach tighten with doubt and apprehension at the thought of having to learn and memorize all these facts. She knew close to nothing about physical science.
After a while she rubbed her strained eyes and moved on to the history text. Although she'd never heard of most of the people mentioned, she became fascinated by the chronological events that changed the world. She recognized the names of many of the wars, but had never known the reasons behind most of them.
Time ticked by and she stretched her neck to relieve a crick. A glance at the clock let her know that, surprisingly, more than an hour had passed since she'd first sat down to read. Because she hadn't heard a peep from the boys since lunch, she left the study and went toward the back of the house to check on them.
The kitchen counter was cluttered with an open jar of mustard, a butter knife, the opened loaf of bread and some leftover slices of American cheese, now dried at the edges to a dark yellow.
"Won't make a mess, huh?" she grumbled wryly.
Pushing her way outside, she was ready to give Eric and Andy a good talking to about cleaning up after themselves. But once out on the back porch step, all she saw was an empty yard.
The garage door was open and she went there, although she didn't really expect the boys to be playing where she'd expressly forbidden them to.
She circled the garage, and then walked out toward the back of the large yard. There was no sign of the boys at the pool, its water a calm, clear blue. Stopping at the wrought-iron bench under the old oak tree, she scanned the grounds of the neighboring homes.
When she called the boys' names several times and didn't get an answer, the first stirrings of concern quivered in her chest.
"The house," she murmured to herself. "Check the house."
She jogged back the way she had come and went inside.
"Andy?" she called as she ran up the staircase. "Eric?"
The bedrooms were empty. She checked her room and then Joshua's, just to be thorough. Her jaw tightened as she rushed down the steps and completed a systematic search of the rest of the house. Her concern quickly turned to fear.
Where could they be? Her thoughts began to fly, dark and frantic. A thousand different situations bombarded her, each one more dangerous than the last.
She stood in the kitchen; the faint scent of mustard hung in the air. Should she call Joshua? No, she decided, the situation wasn't that dire... yet.
"They probably took a walk," she murmured aloud. She wondered if maybe Eric and Andy had called out their plans to her and she'd been too engrossed with the text books and the GED paraphernalia to hear.
They were probably out somewhere thinking that she knew where they were, thinking that she knew they were safe.
That's it. That's got to be it, she tried to tell herself.
But what if they were in some kind of trouble? The question hung over her like a heavy nimbus cloud ready to burst into a torrent of rain. Should she call the police?
What if they'd been taken from the yard?
"That's enough," she murmured to herself. There was no need to become irrational here. And there was no sign, no evidence whatsoever that anything happened other than the boys decided to take a walk, or go to the local baseball field. She wondered where that field might be.
Grabbing her car keys off the hook on the wall, she bolted for the door.
Cassie drove around the block, and then made a wider circle around the entire perimeter of the neighborhood. As the minutes ticked by, her dread grew and her brain wouldn't stop conjuring those horrible mental pictures of kidnappers and pedophiles. She'd never known she'd had such a wild imagination. If she didn't find those boys soon, she was going to go crazy!
On her third loop through the neighborhood, she spotted a playground. Her heart sang with happiness when she saw a group of boys playing baseball.
She parked the car, got out, and scanned the field. Her elation quickly subsided when she didn't see her boys, and then it dissolved altogether when she questioned the children and learned that Andy and Eric hadn't been there.
"Andrew Kingston wouldn't be here," one boy said. "He's not allowed to play with us."
The group of children resumed their game, and she thought of how Eric and Andy would enjoy joining them. Joshua had eased up enough on Andy's restrictions that he might soon allow Andy to come to the playground.
Cassie found herself smiling despite the worry knotting her insides.
She could easily imagine the lyrical, lighthearted laughter of Eric and Andy on their way to play ball with the other kids in the neighborhood.
"If nothing terrible has happened to them," she murmured, a worried ache squeezing her heart painfully.
She opened the car door and heaved a sigh as she slid behind the wheel. There was nowhere else to search. Bleakness smothered her and, hoping that maybe the boys had arrived back at the house by now, she drove home.
A faint tang of mustard wafted toward her when she entered the kitchen from the back door. The mess that the boys had left would have to be cleaned up, but it would just have to wait for now.
She was checking their rooms again when she thought she heard the front door open and close.
"Eric?" she called, rushing down the hallway. "Andy?" Her fingers skimmed the banister as she hurried down the steps. She stopped short when she rounded the corner into the large foyer and met Joshua.
"What is it? Is something wrong with the boys?"
The tender concern in his tone nearly made her burst into tears. But this was no time to let herself melt under pressure.
"I can't find them," she explained.
His brows drew together. "How long have they been gone?"
"A couple of hours." She took her top lip between her teeth for a moment and then miserably confessed, "Maybe longer. I'm not exactly sure when they left."
He didn't ask for an explanation, he didn't have to. His countenance alone was enough to make Cassie stammer out a confused mixture of apologies and excuses.
As Joshua watched the deep anguish on Cassie's face and heard sincere regret color her tone, his heart wrenched with such agony that he could hardly focus on the words tumbling from her mouth.
Andrew and Eric were missing, that much he deciphered. But for the life of him, he couldn't connect how the GED program fit into all this.
He raised his hand to quiet her, and he was about to ask a few questions when that single moment of silence was interrupted with a loud crash coming from the garage.
"It sounds like they've come home," he said softly.
"Thank God!"
He followed Cassie through the hall to the kitchen and out to the garage. They rounded the corner, she a split second before him. Her gasp met his ears the same instant that his gaze fell on the boys– the mud-encrusted, dank-smelling boys.
"Are you all right?" he asked them.
Eric's chest puffed out proudly and he grinningly proclaimed, "We've had ourselves a Huck Finn adventure."
"Yeah, Dad," Andrew added, "we started building a fort over in the woods."
"Pierson's Woods?" Joshua heard the incredulity in his own voice. "That's at least two miles from here."
"It feels like I walked about a thousand," Andrew said.
"Son, why would you go off without telling Cassie where you were going?"
"But we told you, Dad," Andrew said. "We were having an adventure."
"And," Eric added, "we wouldn't have been like Huck Finn if anybody knew where we was."
"Where we were," Joshua corrected automatically, and he really had to quell his desire to chuckle at the boys' spunk. He could easily remember some of the daring misadventures he'd had as a child.
But as he glanced over at Cassie's beautiful, pale face, concern knitting her brow, he knew he couldn't let his son or Eric get aw
ay with this little episode without punishment– no matter how much he might understand and empathize with their impetuous spirit.
"It was wrong of you boys to go off without letting Cassie know," he began.
"But if we asked Cassie," Eric sputtered, "she'da said no."
"Of course I would have said no." Cassie stepped farther into the garage. "I don't even know where Pierson's Woods is, and–"
"See?" Eric said.
"Yes, I see. And that's precisely the point," Joshua calmly stated. "The two of you willingly and knowingly went off without Cassie's permission."
"But, Dad–"
"No buts." Joshua cut Andrew's lament to the quick with his sharp tone. "Neither one of you will leave this yard for two days. And there will be no television for a week."
"A week?" Andrew's eyes grew large.
Joshua's gaze narrowed and his voice grew utterly serious as he asked, "Would you like to go for two?"
The shoulders of both boys dropped, as did their gazes. "No, sir," they muttered in unison.
"Go strip off those dirty clothes," Joshua ordered. "And get yourselves showered and changed. Stay in your rooms until Cassie calls you for dinner. And both of you owe her an apology. She was worried sick about you."
"Sorry, Cassie," Andrew said.
"Sorry." Eric's voice was suddenly thick with emotion. "I didn't mean for you to be worried, Cassie. We just wanted to have some fun."
"Now, go and do as I told you," Joshua said. "Andrew, make certain that you take a dose of medicine from your inhaler. You sound wheezy."
"Just a little," Andrew mumbled grudgingly as he walked out the wide door.
The boys left behind a thick, tense silence, Joshua noticed as he looked over at Cassie.
"It's funny how kids are determined to get in the last word," he said, hoping to ease the anxious energy in the air.
His eyes didn't miss the almost imperceptible tremble of her chin and he wanted badly to go to her, hold her, comfort her, and make her fears go away. But he didn't dare. He knew she wouldn't welcome or appreciate any comfort from him– not after the way she'd been behaving toward him since he'd forced her to reveal what she obviously considered to be an awful secret.
She bit her bottom lip to stop its quivering. He watched her delicate throat muscles convulse in a swallow and he was certain she was about to cry.
"Cassie, it's okay," he assured her gently. "The boys are safe."
It took her a moment to rein in her emotions, and even though he had a dozen things he wanted to say to her, he remained silent and gave her the time she needed to calm down.
Her chest rose with her deep inhalation, and when she finally spoke, the words were released fast and furiously. "But it isn't okay. Don't you see that? I should never have gone into the study. I avoided that part of the house all morning. I should never have sat down at your desk. Should never have opened that first book. I can't do this, Joshua. Don't you understand? I just can't!"
He simply stood there, watching her. She was so serious… so beautiful. He could easily see from the look on her face that she had more to say. And he was eager to hear it.
"I can't be everything to everyone," she said. "I can't keep this job as Andy's nanny and raise Eric and go back to school. I simply can't do it all!"
"I'll help you." The words slipped from his mouth without thought.
"No!"
Although she didn't raise her voice, there was fury and something else in her tone– something he couldn't quite identify.
"You haven't been listening," she said. "If I hadn't been so involved with reading those text books you left on your desk for me, I wouldn't have lost track of the boys. I shouldn't have been reading about the program. I wouldn't have lost track of them otherwise."
"But, Cassie, you heard what Eric and Andrew said," he told her. "They waited for you to become preoccupied. They didn't want to ask permission because they knew you wouldn't give it. They slipped away. On purpose. If you hadn't become distracted in the study, it would have been something else."
"No," she firmly disagreed. "That's not true. I'm good at my job. The boys would never have been able to slip off like that."
He couldn't help but laugh. "Cassie, you're not a warden. You can't watch their every move. I don't expect that kind of dedication."
"But that's my job!"
There was an unrelenting quality in her words, in the set of her body, that somehow struck him wrong. There was more going on here than Cassie simply feeling responsible for having lost track of the boys. He wished he understood what was going on in her head. Maybe he could better unravel the mystery that was Cassie if he could get her to talk, get her to give him a little more information– information about her past.
Finally he very gently, very compassionately, asked her the question that had been burning inside him for days. "How did this happen?"
"But I already told you," she said, near tears. "I became wrapped up in those text books."
"That's not what I'm asking about." He gave a shake of his head. "How in the world did you...?" He felt at a loss for words, but then started again. "What happened to make you quit school?"
For a moment he was certain she would refuse to tell him. But then the story tumbled from her like water bursting from a strained dam.
He heard it all; the father who died unexpectedly, leaving no savings, no life insurance; a mother who lost interest in life itself; a brand-new baby brother who needed food, clothing, shelter, and money to buy all those things.
"So I quit high school," Cassie explained, now dry-eyed. "And found work."
"But weren't there state agencies to help you?"
"My mother made me believe that the state would take Eric." Her eyes were wide with an odd mixture of fear and determination, as though the horrible ordeal was continuing to take place. "She didn't care. She was too sick, too despondent to deal with a child." Cassie glanced toward the door and lowered her voice before continuing. "In fact, I think she hoped he would be taken off her hands. But I couldn't let that happen. Eric was a helpless toddler. It wasn't his fault. He needed me to love him, to care for him." Her chin tipped up defiantly. "Nobody else did."
Joshua stared in awe at this precious woman standing before him. Cassie had unselfishly given up her formal education, really her whole young teenage life, so that Eric could be provided for. Her story explained so much.
Again, he felt the overwhelming urge to go to her, to reach out to her, reassure her, offer her his support. But again, he helplessly kept his distance, certain she would rebuff him. So he granted her his verbal approval only.
"You did the right thing, Cassie," he told her. "But now it's time for you to do something for yourself. You can enroll in the GED pro—"
"No," she said sharply. "I can't."
"You seem to forget," he said, desperate to force her to see what was possible. "The boys will be starting school soon. You'll have all day to–"
"Joshua, I don't want to talk about this anymore." Her eyes were determined, her mouth set firm. "I need this job. Eric needs for me to keep this job. And I already told you, I can't be everything for everyone. I'm just not competent enough to do it all."
He frowned. She looked as though she were about to fall completely apart.
Then it came to him, and as quickly as the realization entered his head, it simultaneously slipped from his lips. "You're afraid."
He stared at her until she averted her guilty gaze. The sudden annoyance he felt toward her came out of nowhere and took him completely off guard.
"You're afraid you'll fail." His proclamation was louder this time. "Refusing to try for that certificate has nothing to do with your job here as Andrew's nanny. It has nothing to do with your raising Eric. You're simply scared as hell that you can't do it."
His analytical mind silently told him that his anger was illogical, that now was the time for compassion and understanding. But for some reason he couldn't seem to listen to logic. Not now. N
ot when he was so outraged to discover that Cassie would give up before she even tried. She wasn't a coward, why would she act like one?
"A few days ago you told me there was no chance for us to pursue a relationship," he said, fighting hard not to let his anger get the best of him. "I didn't understand, and I certainly didn't agree with you."
He crossed his arms over his chest and his voice became deadly calm. "But now that I know the truth, I think you're right." A derisive hiss forced its way between his teeth. "But I also think you'll be surprised to hear that the reason a relationship between us is impossible has nothing to do with some program you refuse to enter or how uneducated you think you are. But it does have everything to do with your lack of self-esteem."
He raked his fingers through his hair. "The woman in my life would have to have enough self-confidence to seek and explore every avenue. To live life to the fullest. She'd have to have enough pride and respect for herself that would demand my own."
Joshua's unflinching gaze captured her and refused to let her go until he'd spoken his mind.
"The woman I give my heart to," he continued unabashed, "will need to feel that she deserves my love. And she'll have to have the self-assurance it would take to trust me. With her heart. With her secrets. With everything that comes with being in love."
Chapter Ten
Joshua was somewhere between the blissful state of drowsy sleep and consciousness when he heard the creaking hinges of his bedroom door as it was slowly opened and then closed again. He was reluctant to open his heavy eyelids. Sleep had been elusive for the past several nights. Ever since he'd lost his patience and his temper with Cassie.
He felt terrible about what he'd done, the things he'd said. He felt even more terrible about the fact that he hadn't talked to her, hadn't apologized for his behavior. But every time he saw her, his anger and frustration seemed to flare anew, so he just kept his thoughts to himself. The irritation was eating him up inside and he knew he should move beyond it, that he should–
His mattress shimmied slightly as someone climbed onto it and Joshua finally opened his groggy eyes.
"Are you awake?"
