I’d been lying so much lately, I wasn’t sure if I knew what was true anymore. But on this, at least, I could be honest. ‘I’ll tell you – but only if you promise not to tell Ned I told you this.’
Captain Plimpton gave me a funny smile. ‘Of course. We’d never do anything that would put you in danger. You have my word on that.’
Maybe I was being stupid, but I was inclined to believe him. ‘Okay. The reason Ned gave me the room is because I tracked down her boyfriend. And if you are the same Wanda and Finn she mentioned, then I think you know all about him already.’
‘If you’re talking about Guillermo Moriarty, then yes,’ Wanda told me. ‘We know all about him.’
‘Okay.’ I paused to take some breaths, feeling panicked at the thought of betraying Ned. But this was for her own good, wasn’t it? Guillermo was a sleaze. And if his freaky masks had caused half of the trouble Ned told me about, then he deserved to be caught. ‘I know where he is now.’
Captain Plimpton tapped his fingers on his closed notebook and stared at me. ‘And tell me, Katy Kramer with a K, how did you find him?’
‘My gut,’ I lied.
‘Ah.’ He nodded. ‘Wanda’s got a pretty powerful gut too. When she’s not cramming burritos down it, that is. Anyway, we don’t need you to tell us where he is. We already know. Twelve Nave Street, right?’
‘But if you know, how come he’s not been arrested?’
‘A while ago Guillermo ignored a very good offer from the Queen of the Fae,’ he informed me. ‘He would have had immunity for all his crimes if he helped her out. He didn’t. So she tracked him and told us where he was. Ever since, we’ve been tailing him. With people like Guillermo, we like to give them a long leash – so they can lead us to a few more people like them before we lock them up for good. But thank you, Miss Kramer, for being so honest with us. Not many people are. When it comes to Guillermo, though, don’t worry – we have it all in hand.’
They both stood up and, with a friendly smile, Wanda said, ‘Okay Katy, that’s all for now. But I’m sure we’ll be seeing you around.’ She pointed to my pocket. ‘And just in case you ever think of anything else to tell us, I’ve just done a little spell to add our number to your phone.’
I stood up, rushing to the door and giving a feeble smile in response. I couldn’t help but wonder: would they be so friendly if they found out I planned to take care of Diane all by myself?
14. The Katy and Hamish Show
My plans to search the place and get the heck out of there were not going well. After Donal’s untimely death, Ned threw a mourning party back at her flat. I joined in as best I could, listening carefully for any chat about Diane. She came up once or twice during the night and, to hear her friends talk, you would have thought she was the loveliest woman on the planet instead of a boyfriend-killer.
Jonathan fell asleep, fully-clothed, on my bed. I found a space on the couch, where I could keep an eye on him and my Toolkit through the open door. I also managed to send quick text messages to Uncle Faster and to Peter Müd, letting them know I’d gone deep undercover, but that I was perfectly safe. Müd responded straight away, telling me to get in touch with him the second there was a problem. Uncle Faster took a couple of hours to respond. When he did, it was only to ask me if I’d bring him a few packets of cheese and onion crisps when I returned.
Jonathan left early the next morning, but I’d only had time to shower and change before Hamish marched into my room and said, ‘Well then – let’s get the Katy and Hamish Show on the road, shall we?’
The Katy and Hamish Show, according to Hamish, involved him helping me set up my new business. It was nice of him to offer, but what I really wanted was some time alone, so I could snoop. But just as I was about to say thanks but no thanks, Cleo jumped up onto the couch, stretched out and said, ‘If anyone disturbs me, there will be consequences.’
Seeing as the ladder which led to the attic was only a few feet away from the couch, I smiled at Hamish and said, ‘Okay then, let’s get to it.’
I walked behind him, trying not to laugh at how much his tail wagged. When we were halfway down the stairs, and I was sure he wouldn’t notice, I pulled out the magnifying glass, almost dropping it in shock as soon as I saw the real Hamish.
Through the magnifying glass, I could see that he was a tall and handsome man, with bluish-black hair. Unfortunately, I could also see that he was wearing nothing but a wizard’s hat. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise really, should it?
I quickly stuffed the magnifying glass into my bag and followed him through the shop, mentally scrubbing the image of his (quite fit) naked body from my memory. It was busy this morning – an awful lot of people seemed to be buying Decrees of the Deceased.
‘It’s a document people need to sign before they die, saying they agree to their loved ones attempting to bring them back from the dead,’ Hamish explained. ‘It’s illegal to do any sort of necromancy without a signed and sealed decree. And the decree has to be sealed with an Infernal Candle.’
I shuddered. Then I shivered. Then I shuddered a bit more. If my detective business were actually a real business, then this shop would be the last place I’d want to be associated with.
‘Why do you want to help me?’ I asked as I pushed open the shelf behind Ned’s counter, standing back so Hamish could go through before me. ‘Yesterday you were suspicious of my motives.’
He ran into the room and hopped up onto the counter. I couldn’t help but wonder if Guillermo’s photo was still in that ancient cash register, or if Ned was going to use it in a revenge spell. I thought about my last boyfriend – a liar, a cheat, and a guy who always seemed to have left his wallet in his other jeans – and wondered whether I wouldn’t do some revenge spells myself, if I had the power.
‘You’re doing it again,’ said Hamish. ‘Escaping into your inner monologue instead of focusing on the conversation at hand.’
I shook my head. ‘No. I’m totally present. But seriously, Hamish – why do you want to help me?’
He shrugged. ‘Let’s face it – until I find a way to turn myself back into a fully-functioning wizard, there’s not a lot else I can do with my time. So let’s put my reduced skills to good use, shall we? Of course, if you want to pay me for my services …’
I laughed wryly. ‘Name your price, Hamish. Your wish is my command.’
He hung his head. ‘Well, if you were a genie then I’d wish for a romantic dinner with the love of my life. But since that’s not possible, I’ll settle for one super-fancy dinner in return for a week’s worth of my magical help.’
‘Sounds fair.’ Especially seeing as I probably wouldn’t be here in a week. ‘Where’s the fanciest restaurant in Samhain Street?’
He snorted. ‘No such thing. No, we’ll go to the Starlight Restaurant at Swanks – that’s a fancy hotel over in the less crime-ridden enclave of Warren Lane. They do an amazing chateaubriand. Pair that with a bottle of Château Toff de Toff and we’ll be in foodie heaven. Now, where shall we start? The sooner this place looks like a private eye’s office, the sooner you’ll get clients.’
Eek. I might have wanted to look like I was opening up an actual business here, but I didn’t want any clients. If I messed up their cases – which I would – it wouldn’t be long before Ned, Hamish and Cleo realised I wasn’t the real deal.
‘About that,’ I began. ‘In the human world, I’m pretty sure you need a licence to be a private investigator. It must be the same here, mustn’t it? So I’d better start off by applying for that. I mean, sure, bureaucracy can be slow, but better that than getting into any trouble, and–’
‘I’ll just stop you there.’ Hamish held up a paw. ‘No licence is necessary to be a private eye in the witch enclaves. I did hear a rumour that the Minister’s been talking about cracking down on things, but for now you’re good to go. So what first? I’ve got a desk in storage that you could use.’ He blinked and mumbled a few words, and a moment later, a lovely old woo
den desk appeared in the room.
‘How did you …?’
He tapped his nose with a paw. ‘A wizard never reveals his tricks. Now, if we just move some of those shelves away from the walls, we could create a sort of partition round the desk, so that when you get busy – which you will – you can have a receptionist and a little waiting area in here.’
I swallowed. This was all going a bit far, but I had to keep up with the ruse, so I walked over to the back wall, and began heaving one of the free-standing shelving units. After a few seconds, I rubbed my brow, wondering if it might be too early to pop over to the Bank for a cold pint of cider.
‘Round two,’ I muttered, giving the shelf another go.
There was a bark of laughter from behind me. ‘Sorry,’ said Hamish. ‘That was cruel of me. Listen, stand back and I’ll move them for you.’ He did a jiggle that made him look like he was chasing his tail, and then the buckle of his hat lit up as he said, ‘Move aside, oh great big shelves, to the left by five foot, all by yourselves.’
I would have gasped at his second display of magic, but I was far too out of breath. I couldn’t even make any signs of amazement as I saw what was revealed behind the shelving unit. At the wall where it had once been positioned, an old door was revealed. It had a glass pane in the top, through which I could see a brightly-lit street.
‘What the …?’ Hamish ran towards the door, looking as surprised as I felt. ‘I didn’t know that was there. Well, go on – open it.’
As he spoke, Ned rushed in from her shop looking flustered. ‘Do not open that door!’ she cried. ‘You must never, ever, open the Scary Door!’
15. The Scary Door
Even before Ned finished speaking, Hamish had opened the door with his mouth.
I gazed out onto a lovely sunlit lane. On Ned’s street, the only business with flowers had been the Bank. Here, every single building was festooned with lovely summer blooms.
There was a small café called Angel Cakes. Painted tables and chairs were arranged on the street outside, where people sat chatting and laughing while they ate. A woman was riding by on a bicycle, while another man rode by on a broom which was painted purple and decorated with large pink flowers.
There was a green area at the end of the lane, where a fountain trickled and a man sat at the edge singing a pleasant folk song. He was surrounded by cheering, clapping people tossing coins into his hat.
‘This is all so pretty!’ I exclaimed.
Ned quivered. ‘No, it’s not. Come back inside, quick, before they get to you.’
I was about to ask her what she meant when a woman outside the café saw me and waved. She was wearing chinos and a pastel-coloured polo shirt, and her glossy blonde hair was pulled into a neat pony tail. With a skip in her step, she rushed across the road.
‘I’m Angelica,’ she said, grinning and extending a hand. ‘I own Angel Cakes Café. You’re new to this enclave, aren’t you?’
While Ned’s fingers dug into my arm, Angelica managed to get hold of my hand, pumping it firmly.
‘Mm hm,’ I replied as the handshake finally came to an end. ‘I’m Katy. And yes, I’m new.’
‘Ah. Fresh meat.’ Angelica let out a tinkling laugh. ‘I’ll have to give you one of my laminated flyers, because I know Ned will just tear up the paper one.’ She wiggled her fingers and, as a flyer appeared from thin air, she pressed it into my hand. It said:
The Not-So-Strange Society, working to make the Samhain Street Enclave a brighter, safer place to live.
There were some paragraphs about urban regeneration, and fostering understanding between the Samhain Street supernaturals and the rest of the witch-run enclaves.
As Ned dragged me back into the shop, she glared at Angelica and said, ‘You’ll never bring Samhain Street over to the bright side, so just jog on and leave us alone.’
Angelica smiled pityingly and said, ‘I’ll always be around, Nedina. For whenever you want to talk.’
Her sweet comment got her a door slammed right in her perky face.
As we stood inside, I wrenched myself from Ned’s grasp. ‘What the heck was that all about? I suppose you’re going to tell me that Angelica is actually a demon in the form of a preppy soccer mammy?’
Nedina scowled. ‘Worse than that. She’s my sister.’
Hamish looked just as surprised as me. ‘I knew you had a sister, but I had no idea she lived so close. I suppose it’s not as though I venture onto Strange Lane very often. That place is a little too weird, even for me. I had no idea you had a door leading that way.’
Ned ran a hand through her hair. ‘Well, now you know. And I tell you what – I need a stiff whiskey after being out in that horrible, horrible lane.’
I frowned. Strange Lane had seemed like the nicest area I’d seen so far in Samhain Street. ‘I don’t get it,’ I voiced. ‘It looks so bright and nice and lovely. Why is it called Strange Lane?’
Ned gritted her teeth. ‘Look, that lane is the worst part of this entire supernatural enclave,’ she explained. ‘It’s made up mostly of people who moved from other enclaves because the property prices are low. They’re not real Samhain Streeters. Once they arrive, they set about changing everything into brightness and loveliness and … well, that’s just not what this enclave is about. We’re about the old ways. I mean, the Society of Cacklers began here. We ignore the law, we do what we want to do. Angelica just doesn’t understand that. She actually thinks that necromancy is a dark art.’
I resisted the urge to clear my throat. ‘She certainly dresses a little bit uptight.’ It hurt me to say it, because I definitely didn’t mean it – I wished I could rock a ponytail the way Angelica could, but my curls were incredibly resistant to containment.
‘She does, doesn’t she?!’ Nedina clapped me on the back. ‘I knew you’d take my side, Katy. Now you can see why I blocked that door up – and why I call it the Scary Door. You and Hamish can move the shelving unit back, and then we can all go back to pretending my weirdo sister doesn’t exist.’
‘Well, yeah but … listen, wouldn’t it be a lot better for you if my customers had another door to come in through? That way they wouldn’t be traipsing in and out of your shop all day.’
Her nose wrinkled up a little bit. ‘Not really. I mean, if you don’t find whoever they’re looking for, then I can always offer them some medium services in case their missing loved one turns out to be dead. And if they’re asking you to find out if someone is cheating – and let’s face it, if you think they’re cheating then they’re definitely cheating, I learned that with Guillermo – well, in that case I have one or two revenge spells I could offer them. So you see, it actually works out better for me if they do come in and out through my shop.’
Dagnammit. ‘Yes, but … I mean, I …’
‘Oh, I can’t keep this up any longer,’ she said with a mischievous wink. ‘I was just joshing you.’ She gave me a shoulder bump. ‘I don’t actually sell revenge spells. And I’d also love it if you had a separate door for your business. But I wasn’t joking about Strange Lane – I honestly hate the place, and I hate my sister even more.’
She looked seriously at Hamish and me. ‘Listen, you should both stay away from my sister, because she is a psycho. But … if you want to use the Scary Door, I guess I won’t stop you.’
Hamish grinned. ‘Good. Because I’ve already used a signwriting spell on the door.’ He nodded his head to the glass pane of the Scary Door, where some very professional looking lettering had magically appeared. It said:
Katy Kramer, PI – Solving all of the crimes you’d prefer to keep on the down low, no matter how weird or how wild.
16. Hat’s Off
If I’d genuinely wanted to set up a PI business, Hamish would have been the best assistant I could ask for. By noon, my office space looked the perfect mixture of professional and welcoming, and he’d even magicked a few chairs over from his storage unit to create the waiting area.
‘It’s missing something,
though,’ I mused, looking around.
‘Clients?’
‘Well, all in good time. But no, I think I might buy a nice potted plant or two. Oh, and I guess I ought to set up an area for making tea and coffee. Some people will be coming to me about rather sensitive matters, I imagine, so it’ll be good to be able to offer them a hot drink. They’ll be more comfortable talking to me that way.’
He smiled at me. ‘Good idea, Katy. But then, you’ve probably been dreaming about this for quite a while.’
I bit my lower lip. Why was I getting so excited about something that was never going to happen? ‘Sure I have,’ I said quickly. ‘Now, how about we go to the Bank? I’m starving.’
≈
I had been hungry, it was true. But I’d also been itching to chat to Diane’s dad, and maybe to feel Cullen out a bit, too. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Neither of those plans worked out. Cullen was taking a few hours off, and as a result, Derek Carey was rushed off his feet. I did get some more lessons from Hamish about the area, and I also got to watch him drink his wine from a water bowl again, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.
After we ate, we wandered around the many small streets of the enclave, pottering about in shops and picking up bits and pieces for the business that would never be. Hamish wanted to pick up a new hat, too, so once we’d done the rest of our shopping, we headed to a small shop on a lane called Deathly Close. With its crown glass windowpanes and its brightly painted door, it was the least frightening business on that particular lane.
I read the sign on the door: Bradley Oster – Antiquarian and Hatter.
‘He sells old books, old furniture, and restores old hats,’ Hamish explained. He moved closer to me and lowered his voice. ‘An aunt of his was a big fancy professor and the acting Minister for Magical Law at one time, and he really embarrassed her when he was caught selling dark objects to students at Crooked College. He got kicked out of school and wound up here. He’s not a bad chap, though. And he helps us out a lot with … well, you know … stuff. Go on. Ring the bell, will you? I can’t reach, and I used an awful lot of magic this morning. Need to give my buckle some time to rest.’
The Case of the Wayward Witch Page 9
