“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I’ll come back in fifteen minutes when the class begins.” Darcy started to back out of the room.
“Don’t leave. Carol’s leaving. The nursery has been moved to the third room on the left.”
“Thanks, Joshua. I appreciate the help.” Carol glanced toward her. “You’re Darcy O’Brien.”
Darcy nodded, even though the woman hadn’t asked a question.
“I was several years behind you in school. Are you home for good or taking a vacation?”
“Vacation. Leaving in a few days.” Beneath the woman’s polite tone, Darcy sensed a whole bunch of questions—the first being, what was her relationship to Joshua?
“It’s nice to see you again.”
When Carol disappeared through the doorway, the silence pulsated with suppressed emotions, the air churning with feelings usually banked. Anger surged in her. How could he make me fall in love with him when he still loves Carol? Quickly that emotion slipped away to be replaced with relief. She’d discovered his true feelings before she had committed to staying.
“It isn’t what you think.”
“And what do I think?”
“I am over Carol.” He pronounced each word slowly to emphasize the meaning.
“Are you? Maybe you didn’t catch your expression in that mirror over there—” she flipped her hand toward the far wall “—but I was lucky enough to get the full effect from where I’m standing. You are not over her.”
Chapter Thirteen
“Carol came in here to tell me she was rejoining this church. She didn’t want me to find out by surprise.” Joshua eased his hands open and crossed his arms over his chest.
“How nice of her.” Darcy felt the muscles in her face lock into a smile that she knew wasn’t really a smile.
“My strange look was probably because she had just asked me if I wanted to hold her son. Her question threw me off guard.”
“I think her whole visit threw you off guard.”
He drew in a deep breath. “I won’t deny that seeing her with her child bothered me. It did. We had planned to have a family. I want children.”
And you should have children, she thought. Exhaustion still clung to her as though it were a part of her. Her only desire at the moment was to sit and do nothing. But stiffness spread throughout her body.
Uncrossing his arms, he started toward her, limping.
“What’s wrong?” Darcy asked, fighting the urge to back away. If he came near her, she would break down. She wanted to be a part of his life, but the encounter with Carol only emphasized the risks involved. Was she willing to take them?
“It’s nothing.” He waved away her concern. “There was a fire yesterday. Had some problems getting out of the house in time.”
Nothing? She remembered her own close brush with a fire and knew the dangers personally. Fighting fires was a dangerous job, as her husband’s had been.
Joshua clasped her upper arms, keeping a foot between them. “Listen, Darcy. Carol’s in my past.”
“So her and her family coming to this church each week won’t bother you.”
“I’m getting used to the idea. Remember, I’ve known she was planning to return for the past month. We won’t be best friends, but I’m working on forgiving her.”
“You haven’t forgiven her?” His fingers burned into her skin.
“Honestly? No.”
His admission underscored what she had known. It also confirmed that they couldn’t have a future—at least not now. She wrenched herself free and put several feet between them.
“Seeing her son brought back all the plans and dreams I’d had. It’s not always that easy to let go of that.”
“Then how can you move on?”
“Stay and help me to. Take a risk, Darcy.”
She shook her head, backing away some more. “I’m not one of your strays.”
“I believe I know the difference between you and one of my strays.”
“I can’t stay. I can’t do that to myself and Sean. I just can’t.”
Tears rose within, clogging her throat and misting her eyes. She wanted to flee, but at that very moment some of the children began to file into the room. She was trapped for the next forty-five minutes.
With his hands behind his back, Nate stopped in front of her. “Mrs. O’Brien, we sure are gonna miss you.” He brought his arm around and presented her with a small bouquet of flowers, obviously picked from Jesse’s garden.
Tears continued to gather in her eyes as each child gave her a token of their appreciation. Her son appeared last with a card signed by all the kids and a declaration that they were going to have a farewell party for her.
“You kept this a secret?” Darcy asked Sean as several parents brought in some lemonade and a chocolate cake.
“Yep.” He puffed out his chest.
“This from the boy who makes me a present weeks before my birthday and gives it to me right away because he can’t wait?”
Squaring his shoulders, he said, “This was different. I would have spoiled the surprise for everyone here if I had said something to you.”
Her son was definitely growing up, and partially because of the influence of Joshua and her father. “Well, I’m impressed.” She gave Sean a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which immediately caused him to screw up his face as though it wasn’t something a boy of eight should get from his mother in front of a whole room full of his friends.
After a short devotional, Joshua stood before the circle of children and said to Darcy and Sean, “We wanted to show you how much we will miss both of you when you leave this week. The party is a small token of our appreciation for your filling in this summer.”
“Speech. Speech,” Nate called out from the back row.
Darcy moved to stand next to Joshua. “Nate Bradshaw, did your mother put you up to this?”
He nodded.
“I should have known. She knows how embarrassed I get when I have to say something in front of a crowd.” Just like Joshua, Darcy thought with surprise.
“But you talked all summer when you taught us our lessons.”
“Good point, Nate.” Darcy cleared her throat, trying to keep her emotions in check. More than anything she wished she’d gotten a good night’s sleep. Too many feelings were tangled up inside and so many were centered on the man next to her. All she had to do was move her arm a little and she could touch him—perhaps for the last time. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes.
“This means a lot to me.” She gestured toward the table with her many gifts, mostly homemade and thus more endearing than store-bought ones. “I don’t know what to say.”
“How about telling us when you are coming back?” Brad Anderson asked.
“Yes, when?” Joshua asked, his gaze ensnaring hers.
“Christmas. Mom promised me we would come,” Sean piped in, for which Darcy was thankful.
She didn’t know if she could speak without her voice cracking. Through her misting eyes she took in all sixteen children, their faces turned toward her, their expressions, like their gifts, endearing.
“Why don’t you stay?” Nate called out.
Darcy decided she needed to have a conversation with Jesse about her son asking questions he shouldn’t. “My job is in Panama City,” she offered, the reason suddenly sounding lame to her. A tear coursed down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away.
Why couldn’t life be simpler? Why did emotions and the past have to interfere? Why couldn’t Joshua love her with no strings attached? What was she afraid of? Questions bombarded her, making it difficult to keep control of her emotions. She turned away and swiped at her cheeks as the tears continued to roll down her face.
“We didn’t mean to make you cry,” Crystal said, wheeling herself into the room. “Sorry I’m late.”
With one last brush across her cheek, Darcy spun toward Crystal, who stopped a few feet from her. She picked up a framed picture from her l
ap and handed it to Darcy.
She took it, her hand shaking. In the frame was a photo of her, Joshua, Sean and Crystal after they had completed the construction of the ramp. Everyone had big smiles as they showed off the product of their labor. She stared at Joshua in the picture with his tool belt around his waist and his arms about her and Sean. She and Joshua had laughed over the way the tool belt had slipped down low on her hips; if she had tried to move it would have slid completely off her. The photo would always remind her of a precious moment.
“Thank you, Crystal.”
“No, thank you for the ramp and—” the child’s voice faded while she dropped her head and whispered “—for my mom.”
Darcy hugged Crystal. “You’re welcome.” When she stepped back from the girl, Darcy saw Tanya enter the room and wave to her. Who would be here for Tanya if she needed help? That question tugged at Darcy, making her decide to ask Lizzy to watch out for the woman.
The rest of the party went slowly. Darcy ate two pieces of cake and tried to laugh and smile, but inside she felt as though a part of her had died that morning. Her hopes? Her dreams? She wasn’t sure, except that she felt empty. By the time the children had left to attend the service, all Darcy wanted to do was collapse into the nearest chair and lay her head down to rest. But first she needed to finish her conversation with Joshua.
After Sean had raced from the room with Nate, Darcy faced Joshua, who was throwing away the used paper plates. “We need to talk.”
He jerked to his full height and swung around to stab her with his gaze. “No, we don’t. I think we said all we should say. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m reading one of the lessons today in church and I need to go over the material before it starts.” He walked toward the door, his strides long and purposeful.
Darcy watched him disappear out into the hallway. He wanted her to stay but couldn’t offer her any guarantees. Yes, she had friends and family in Sweetwater. But what if she came home and Joshua couldn’t move on in his life? How could she see him and not have her heart break each time? It was better to put this summer behind her and go back to Panama City. She knew what she wanted now—at least she had learned that much this summer.
Then why wasn’t she happier about her decision?
On Wednesday, the quiet of the sanctuary soothed Joshua as he sat in the back pew, his hands folded in his lap. Was he going to let Carol continue to rule his life? He had wanted so desperately last Sunday morning to declare to Darcy that he’d completely forgiven Carol for walking out on him and marrying another. But he couldn’t lie to Darcy no matter how much he wanted her to stay in Sweetwater. Lies were not what he would base a relationship on with a woman, especially someone as special as Darcy.
Lord, I need help. How do I begin to forgive someone who hurt me so badly? What is wrong with me? I’ve never had this problem before.
“Joshua?” Reverend Collins stood behind him, a worried expression on his face.
“I’ll close up if you need to go home.”
“That’s all right. I normally don’t bother anyone when they are in here, but something tells me you need to talk.”
Joshua felt the weight of his inability to forgive press him down. His shoulders sagged. “Yes.”
The reverend came and sat beside him in the pew. “What’s bothering you? Darcy leaving?”
“That’s part of it. I want her to stay, but I don’t have the right to ask her to.”
“Why not? I’ve seen how you two are together. I think you need each other.”
“Because I’m still harboring ill feelings toward Carol. Darcy doesn’t think I’ve moved on and she doesn’t want to risk staying, with Carol still an issue in my life.”
“Oh.” The reverend was silent for a few moments, then asked, “Why haven’t you forgiven Carol?”
That was a good question. Joshua wasn’t sure he could answer it. Since she had left him at the altar, he had tried not to think about what could have been. He had pushed his emotions into the background, refusing even to examine them. Now Darcy was forcing him to take a good hard look at his feelings concerning Carol, concerning Darcy.
“Is it your male pride speaking?”
Joshua shrugged. “That could be some of it.”
“You know the verse from Proverbs—pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”
“Yes, and I’m working on it. I think I would have been all right if I hadn’t been waiting for her in church in front of the whole congregation. I remembered their pitying glances for months afterwards. There had to be a better way to break the news to me.”
“But that’s not all?”
Plowing his fingers through his hair, Joshua frowned, staring at the back of the pew in front of him. “No. I’ve wanted a family for as long as I can remember. I was an only child and always said I would have a house full of children when I got married. Carol slept with another man, got pregnant by him when she was engaged to me. She had his child—not mine.”
“What if Carol had married you, pregnant with another man’s child? How would you have felt then?”
Joshua dropped his head. “Worse.”
“Then Carol did the right thing by calling it off before you two got married. She only found out about the baby a few days before the wedding. She agonized over what to do.”
“But she slept with Kyle.”
“Yes, she made a terrible mistake and she had to face the consequences. After all, she’s only human—just as we all are.”
“And like Carol, I’ve made my share of mistakes?”
“Right. Think of all the mistakes God has forgiven you. Can you not forgive Carol this one mistake?” Reverend Collins rose. “I have some work to do in my office. Stay as long as you want.”
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” The verse from Ephesians 4:32 popped into Joshua’s mind. He knew what he must do.
Joshua marched up the steps to the front door and rang the bell. Taking a deep breath he squared his shoulders. A week ago he wouldn’t even have considered doing this. Now it felt so right, he wondered why he had waited so long.
The door swung open. The woman framed in the entrance gasped.
“I know I’m probably the last person you expected to show up at your house, but may I come in?” Joshua asked, a calmness descending as if his past had been washed away.
“I just put Paul down for a nap.” Carol stood to the side to allow Joshua inside. “What brings you by?”
Joshua walked into the living room where everything was in its place. Too sterile and neat for his taste, he thought as he turned to face the woman to whom he had once been engaged. “I needed to see you. I wasn’t very inviting the other day at church, and I was wrong.”
“I shouldn’t have surprised you last Sunday.”
“I knew you were thinking of returning to Sweetwater Community Church.” He shook his head. “Until I did some soul searching, I was angry with you for the way you ended our engagement.”
Her hands clasped in front of her, Carol averted her gaze. “I didn’t handle that very well. I’m so sorry, Joshua. I had just found out I was pregnant and I knew you weren’t the father. I seriously thought about going through with our wedding, but in the end I couldn’t do that to you. That would have been worse than not showing up for our wedding.”
“I’m the one who is sorry. I know you didn’t ask me to, but I wanted to tell you I forgive you, Carol.”
Her look flew back to his face. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because until I make amends with our situation, I can’t really move on. I’m glad you’re returning to the church. I know how much you enjoyed attending and I know you left because of me.”
Her eyes clouded with tears; her hands twisted together. “I wasn’t sure anyone would welcome me back, but last week no one said anything.”
“They wouldn’t, Carol. I’m learning that
we’re all human beings and we all make mistakes. So if God can forgive us, the least we can do is forgive each other.”
She sniffed. “I appreciate you coming by.”
Joshua started for the front door. Carol’s words stopped him. “She’s one lucky woman, Joshua. I wish you the best. You deserve it.”
“Thanks.” I’ll need all the luck in the world to convince Darcy to stay, Joshua thought and headed for his truck. He wasn’t finished with what he needed to do.
Darcy folded the last piece of clothing and put it into the suitcase, then closed it, the click of the lock sounding so final in the quiet of her childhood bedroom. She hadn’t heard from Joshua since Sunday, and she would be leaving tomorrow, early in the morning. With a glance out the window, she noted the gray tones of dusk settling over the land. Less than fourteen hours…
Her heart thumped against her chest in slow, anguish-filled beats. It had only been a few days since she’d last seen Joshua and she already missed him. How was she going to make it with hundreds of miles between them?
A knock at her door disturbed her thoughts. “Come in.”
Lizzy entered the room. “I found this downstairs.” She handed Darcy a black sweater she’d used when her father had cranked up the air-conditioning to freezing.
“Thanks. I’d forgotten about that.”
“I can always mail you anything else you leave behind.”
How about Joshua? Darcy instantly thought, a smile gracing her lips for a few seconds before disappearing.
“Or, you can get it when you come back at Christmas.” Lizzy sat on the bed. “Frankly, I’d hoped you would be staying, Darcy.”
“You did?” Darcy asked, wondering how she was going to manage seeing Joshua at Christmas. And yet, for Sean’s sake and her father’s she couldn’t not come home.
“Yeah. I thought you and Joshua were getting along quite well. Your father might not say anything to you, but he doesn’t want you to leave.”
“He doesn’t? He told you that?”
“You know your father and words. But I’ve been with him for a long time and I’ve gotten to know him pretty well. He loves having you and Sean around.”
Gold in the Fire and Light in the Storm Page 18
