by Humza Arshad
‘I don’t know. Grandpa found something. Something important to do with their plan. They’re fattening us up for something. I’ve just got no idea what.’
‘I guess it doesn’t matter. Without any proof, who’s going to listen?’ she said. She looked really beaten down. Even the anger from yesterday had gone out of her.
‘Well, that’s why we’re gonna get some proof,’ I replied. ‘That’s what Grandpa and I were working on before he disappeared. He said he found something to do with the missing teachers. Something about them being on holiday. He tried to tell me, but the line went dead.’
‘Maybe he left a clue somewhere?’ said Wendy.
‘Exactly! That’s what I thought. But now I can’t even get into his house to look.’
‘I don’t see what we can do then. The aunties have got all the power. Everyone thinks they’re heroes for keeping the school open. We’re just kids. No one listens to us.’
‘Come on, Wendy – we’ll get to the bottom of this,’ I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. ‘We have to.’
School that morning was weird. Super weird. On the surface it was the same as it had been the last couple of weeks. Auntie Uzma was doing her usual thing: loads of food, not much learning. But it was different now somehow. I couldn’t help but feel she was watching me. Maybe I was being paranoid, but you would be too with everything I had going on.
We were in the middle of a spelling game where each kid had to stand up and spell a word in front of the class. If you got your word right you got a cake. And if you got your word wrong you got a slightly different cake. I was in line behind Jemima Tunk, who was called up to spell the word ‘delicious’.
‘Delicious,’ said Jemima. ‘D-E-L-I … uh … S-H-O-U-S. Delicious.’
‘Oh, so close, Jemima!’ said Auntie Uzma. ‘I tell you what, because you were so nearly there, you can have a right cake and a wrong cake. How does that sound?’
‘Thanks,’ said Jemima, greedily accepting both cakes.
Man, it was a miracle no one had popped yet. We must have been getting through ten meals a day. Every kid in the room had a tummy now. Umer was working on his third chin. They’d have to start reinforcing the walls soon, to stop the school collapsing.
‘OK, Humza, you’re next,’ said Auntie Uzma. ‘Your word is “caution”.’
‘“Caution”?’ I replied. ‘Like being careful?’
‘That’s right,’ said Auntie Uzma. ‘As in: “to avoid danger, you must show great caution.”’
She was looking right at me, with that weird smile – sweet and threatening all at once. I didn’t know if everyone else could see it, but Wendy definitely could. She looked worried.
‘Why’d I get that word?’ I asked. ‘Everyone else had words like “doughnut” and “fudge”.’
‘They’re just random words from a list, Humza. Nothing to do with you. Now hurry up and spell “caution”.’
It looked like I didn’t have much of a choice. I had to play along.
‘Caution,’ I said. ‘K-O-R-S-H-U-N. Caution.’
‘Oh, that’ll do,’ said Auntie Uzma, and she handed me a cake.
I took it from her and went back to my seat. There was no way I was going to eat it. When she wasn’t looking, I wrapped it up in a napkin and shoved it into my bag. My hand hit something hard. The laptop! I’d already forgotten it was there. Just seeing it made me smile. I thought of Mr Turnbull and all the work we’d put in. I remembered how close we were to getting the track finished and how good it all sounded. I just wished things could go back to how they were.
‘Can I go to the toilet, miss?’ I said.
‘Of course you can,’ she replied, ‘and call me Auntie.’
Yeah, I thought, as I stood up, but maybe you ain’t my auntie after all. Grabbing my bag, I walked out the door as Umer was stumbling his way through the word ‘potato’.
I decided to do the only thing I could think of that might cheer me up. I took Mr T’s laptop to the library, where I knew I could get a bit of peace and quiet, and I sat down in a corner where no one would be able see me. I put on my headphones as the computer loaded up. The audio software was already open, ready to go. There was the track, just as we’d left it; dozens of coloured little boxes stretched out along a two-minute timeline.
I was just about to hit PLAY when I saw her – Mrs Farooqi, the replacement librarian. You know the routine by now: brightly coloured dress, big weird smile, round as a wrecking ball – classic auntie. She was putting cupcakes out around the room for any kid who happened to wander in.
By leaning forward a little and looking through the gap in the bookshelf I could keep an eye on her while remaining out of sight. I figured I might as well get on with listening to the track. If I got caught it’s not like things could get any worse … I hit PLAY.
The beat came in first. Ah, man, it was good. And that bass. I still couldn’t figure it out. So deep. Exploding out and rushing in all at once. I loved it. Then my vocal kicked in. You know what? It wasn’t too bad. Even my performance sounded better than I remembered. I smiled to myself. Felt a little pang of happiness. It wouldn’t last …
‘Ow,’ I said, as a book hit me on the head.
I looked up to find the whole shelf was shaking. What was going on? I craned my head up to see over the books and into the next row, and there she was, Mrs Farooqi, right up against the other side of the bookshelf just ten feet away. She was leaning over like she was in pain or having some kind of seizure. I was about to jump up and check she was OK, when things got weird.
She was making this noise, a kind of groaning sound, coming from deep inside her. She turned in my direction and, for a second, I thought she might see me. But I was tucked far enough back in the shadows. She couldn’t see a thing. I was safe. Or at least I thought I was.
Because that’s when everything changed. Forever …
Mrs Farooqi opened her mouth wide. Too wide. Unnaturally wide.
And there it was. Inside her enormous mouth was wedged a great, fat white eyeball. It was staring out into the room, crammed in there between her teeth. It had to be the size of a tennis ball. It was pulsing with veins and had a large black pupil at its centre.
She began to retch, like a cat with a hairball. And every time she did, more and more of the creature began to slip free. A bulging bag of green, slug-like flesh followed the eye out of Mrs Farooqi’s mouth. What the hell was this thing?
I fell backwards against the wall. I didn’t know what I was looking at, but I knew I needed to get out of there fast. I jumped to my feet and pulled off my headphones. It took me a second to realize it, but I could still hear the track playing. ‘What the …?’
That was when I noticed it: I’d never plugged the headphones in. I must have been playing the track aloud this whole time. How stupid could I be? Blaring away in the corner like that, it was a miracle I hadn’t been caught.
Mrs Farooqi was on her knees now, and at least half a metre of the fat, slimy green slug monster had spilled out on to the floor. Its big ugly eye was looking about in wild panic. It had rows of little stubby green tentacles, running the length of its body. If that thing got free and caught me, who knew what it might do? I had to move fast.
If I went via the reference books and out past early readers, I could stay behind Mrs Farooqi and, with a bit of luck, avoid being seen by the monster. I slammed the laptop shut, scooped it into my bag and ran. But as soon as I did, she stopped shaking. The retching noise ceased and the green creature began to disappear back into her mouth. I didn’t have long.
I was still behind her as Mrs Farooqi began to pull herself to her feet. If she turned round now, I was done for. But, instead, she began to straighten her hair and adjust her dress. I didn’t pause for a second. I dived for the open door and out into the hallway. I ran without looking back.
I was dripping with sweat when I sat back down beside Umer. He knew something was up immediately. So did Wendy. They were both staring at me, wide-
eyed.
‘What’s going on, Humza?’ asked Umer, sounding nervous.
‘I … it … she …’ I mumbled.
I just couldn’t find the words. I was in shock. Thankfully, it was nearly break time, because I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As soon as Auntie Uzma said we could go, I was out the door like a shot. Umer and Wendy had to run to keep up.
‘What happened, Humza?’ said Wendy when we got to the benches on the far side of the playground.
‘She’s a …’ I started. ‘There’s a … it came out of her mouth,’ I said, still struggling to think straight.
‘What came out of whose mouth?’ said Wendy.
‘The librarian, the auntie, Mrs Farooqi,’ I said. ‘She’s got a creature inside her.’
‘A creature?’ said Umer. ‘What kind of creature?’
‘I don’t know, man. I ain’t never seen anything like that before. It was big, and long, and green all over!’
‘Like an alligator?’ said Umer.
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘It looked like a slug.’
‘So a slug then?’ said Wendy.
‘No, it was huge! It had one massive eyeball. It was covered with tentacles.’
They both stared at me for a moment.
‘Like an emu?’ said Umer.
‘What? No! Do you know what an emu is?’ I shouted.
Umer shook his head.
‘Look, I don’t know what the hell that thing was, but it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever seen before, and I’ve watched both series of Planet Earth!’
‘So you’re saying it wasn’t from Earth then?’ asked Wendy.
She was looking at me like I might have gone mad.
‘I know how it sounds, but I swear that’s what I saw. There’s a monster living in Mrs Farooqi!’
I knew that look they were giving me. I’d seen it before, far too often.
‘I’m not lying, guys! You’ve got to believe me!’
‘I don’t know, Humza,’ said Umer, frowning. ‘Remember when you told me Mr Dawbry was a werewolf? I couldn’t come in for a month after that. My parents made me talk to a doctor.’
‘This ain’t like that!’ I yelled. ‘I’m not making it up!’
‘You told me the caretaker was a thousand years old and stayed young by eating children,’ added Wendy.
‘I admit it – I had bad intel on that one. But I’m telling you I ain’t wrong about this. I know what I saw. And if she’s one of those things, then I bet you – the rest are too.’
‘The rest? You mean the aunties? You think this is why they’re acting weird?’ asked Umer.
‘Yeah, I do! It makes sense, doesn’t it? I bet you they’ve all got one of these slugs in ’em.’
‘Well, why haven’t we seen one before?’ asked Wendy. ‘Why just this one time? Why right now?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe it was cos she didn’t know I was there? I was hiding behind one of the bookshelves.’
They were both quiet for a time. They were still giving me that look.
‘I don’t know, Humza,’ said Wendy. ‘I want to believe you, but this is just the kind of thing you lie about.’
‘You believe me, don’t you, Umer?’
He had this anxious little frown on his face. I’d never seen him so conflicted.
‘I …’ said Umer, ‘I mean … I want to …’
‘Ah, man! I swear! On my dad’s life! Hell, even on my mum’s life! I ain’t lying!’
‘What exactly was going on when all this happened?’ asked Wendy.
Her tone had changed a little. I could tell I was getting to her. She was starting to listen.
‘Right,’ I began. ‘So I was hiding in a corner of the library so that I could play the track in peace. Farooqi was on the other side of the room, doing whatever she was doing. Putting out cupcakes or something.’
Wendy and Umer listened intently.
‘I had just put on my headphones and hit PLAY, when she started freaking out. She was falling all over the place, knocking books off the shelves, making these weird noises. And then she starts coughing it up – this massive weird creature.’
‘How did you get away?’ asked Umer.
‘I ran round the side and out the door. Just in time as well, cos that thing started going back into her mouth. Last thing I saw, she had stood up like nothing had even happened.’
‘So it all just stopped?’ said Wendy.
‘Yeah, as quick as it had started,’ I replied.
‘There’s nothing else you remember?’ asked Wendy. ‘It doesn’t matter how small.’
‘Oh yeah!’ I blurted out. ‘I was seriously lucky not to get caught. See, it turned out I’d forgotten to plug in my headphones the whole time. I hadn’t even noticed. I’d been playing the track out loud.’
‘Out loud?’ said Wendy.
‘Yeah, it must have been blaring.’
‘And all this, the whole reaction, it happened during the time the track was playing?’ asked Wendy, looking real intense all of a sudden.
‘Uh … yeah, I guess,’ I replied.
‘The track …’ she gasped. ‘The track did it.’
‘Did what?’ asked Umer.
‘The track caused the reaction,’ said Wendy. ‘It affected the creature somehow. Made it reveal itself.’
‘You reckon?’ I asked. ‘Why would that happen?’
‘I don’t know yet,’ replied Wendy. ‘But it can’t be a coincidence. Maybe something in the frequency of the audio affects them?’
‘You mean they’re allergic to Humza’s music?’ asked Umer, smiling a little.
‘If you like,’ replied Wendy.
‘Shut up, man. No they ain’t,’ I snapped. ‘It probably just came out so it could hear better.’
‘Whatever the reason,’ continued Wendy, ‘it means we can prove it now – prove there’s something going on.’
‘Great! Then that’s what we’re gonna do!’ I said. ‘And it’s gotta be in front of as many people as possible. Then they’ll have to believe us.’
‘We can play it through the loudspeakers in the hall,’ said Wendy.
‘Exactly!’ I shouted. ‘We just need a reason to get all the aunties together at once.’
‘What about the talent show?’ said Umer. ‘That’s coming up?’
‘That ain’t soon enough. We need to do this now,’ I replied.
‘Assembly?’ suggested Wendy. ‘We’ve got one tomorrow morning. I could get the laptop hooked into the speakers this afternoon without much trouble.’
‘Perfect,’ I replied. ‘And I bet I could convince them to let us play the track. Tell ’em it’s a song about eating contests or something. They’d go for that.’
‘But tomorrow morning …’ said Umer, ‘is that going to be enough time?’
‘It’ll have to be,’ I said. ‘We need to get started right away. Wendy, you go see if you can get this hooked up to the sound system.’
I handed her the laptop.
‘Umer,’ I continued, ‘you and me are gonna convince them to let us play at tomorrow’s assembly.’
‘OK,’ said Umer, looking a little nervous.
‘Don’t worry, man,’ I said to him. ‘Once that beat drops, those things are gonna start freaking out. They won’t be able to do a thing to us. The whole school will know they’re real. We’ll have saved everyone!’
We were all smiling now. Suddenly we had a way out of this. We were gonna be heroes!
CHAPTER TEN
The Assembly
Umer was right. We didn’t have much time to get set up. While Wendy went to sort out the technical side of things, we ran off to sweet-talk Mrs Masood. If anyone would be able to give us a slot at assembly to sing about food, it was that crazy sitar player. And I was pretty sure the headmaster wouldn’t stand in the way of us cutting her session short. We found her in the playground at lunch, handing out chocolate bananas.
‘Hey, Mrs M,’ I said to her, as we walked up. ‘That was a
pretty sick set you played at assembly the other day. You’ve totally inspired us!’
‘Oh good,’ said Mrs Masood. ‘Would you like a chocolate-dipped banana?’
‘Yeah, great!’ I said with the most enthusiastic smile I could manage. ‘In fact, I’ll take two!’
‘Oooh, lovely,’ she said, dishing them out.
‘Listen, I have a big favour to ask you, and only you can help me.’
‘Oh,’ she replied, ‘what is that?’
‘Like I say, we were inspired by your music and decided to write a song of our own. It’s all about food and eating and … uh … voluntary weight gain. It’s called “Fat and Happy”.’
‘Ooooh! “Fat and Happy”!’ she replied. ‘I like the sound of that!’
‘Yeah, so we wondered if we could play it at tomorrow’s assembly?’
‘Play it? For the other students?’ she asked. ‘Well, I don’t see why not. Yes, that will be very nice for everyone to hear. Especially when it has such a positive message about consumption.’
‘Great! Thanks, miss!’
‘Would you like a chocolate banana too?’ she said to Umer with a big smile.
‘No thanks,’ he replied. ‘Humza says I’m not allowed.’
‘Ha ha!’ I laughed loudly, elbowing Umer in the ribs. ‘That was just a joke! Of course you’re allowed. Take two! Take six! Mmm, chocolate, right?’
‘Oh, right. Thanks,’ said Umer, and he helped himself to a couple of the chocolate bananas.
‘All right, miss – we’d better go,’ I said. ‘Gotta get practising.’
‘See you in the morning,’ she said with a smile.
‘Can’t wait!’ I replied, beaming back at her.
The smile fell straight off my face as soon as my back was turned. When we got round the corner I dumped my bananas in the bin, then did the same with Umer’s.
‘Hey!’ he cried. ‘I thought I could have as many as I wanted!’
‘No, man! Nothing’s changed. They’re still trying to fatten you up. I was just taking them so we wouldn’t arouse any suspicion.’
‘Oh,’ replied Umer, sounding glum. ‘You could have let me finish the one I was eating.’
