“I never really quit. Only stopped for a few months after he left. It’s a part of me. It is me. I wouldn’t let him take that away from me. He took enough. He couldn’t have that too.”
“Fucker,” Skye mumbled under her breath. Her smug smile made Jenna glad she’d finally admitted to tying again. Then Skye’s face fell. “Does that mean the dreams are back? That’s why you’re so damn tired lately. And emotional. I’m a dumbass.”
“Hi, we’re sitting right here.” Cyn gestured toward Haleigh and herself. “Don’t have a clue what you guys are talking about. Can you back up and give us the CliffNotes version since it’s getting late?”
Jenna opened her mouth but Skye spoke before she could begin.
“Jenna loved this asshole named Ian. He was everything to her. Hung the moon and all that shit. They were together for three years, met when she had just turned twenty and he was a dashing twenty-five. They studied under the same Japanese rope master, even though Jenna had been tying longer than he had. But then one night he just walked. She never heard from him again.”
Jenna nodded and gestured for her to continue. Somehow it made it easier hearing it from a third party. She kept her grief locked up tight and tried to pretend as if Skye spoke about someone else. Hearing it still made her feel weak but talking about it was even worse.
“For the years since, when she doesn’t take care of herself—meaning get fucked often and hardcore—the dreams start. It’s always Ian, showing up, taking her, controlling her.”
“They’re so real. It’s absolutely like he’s there with me, taking me back.” She closed her eyes, picturing him in front of her with rope in his hands. Shivers rocked her body. “But then I wake up and he’s gone again.”
“Oh, Jenna.” The empathy in Cyn’s voice made her open her eyes again. “I wish you would have told us about this before. We could have helped you through it. Pimped you out or something.”
Everyone giggled.
“What are friends for?” Cyn asked as she brushed a piece of hair off Jenna’s cheek, tucking it behind her ear.
Jenna licked her lips, not truly certain how to explain the next part. “How he left…it was awful. It was but even when we were together there was more to his story. I was sure of it.”
“How so?” Haleigh asked.
“Something happened when he was a kid. Something to do with his family. I’m not sure what it was but it changed him. Made him hard. Almost like his attitude was armor. He pushed people away. You know. Leave them first before they can leave you kind of thing. I asked him about it several times but he’d always clam up immediately. His eyes. God.” She closed hers for a moment. Remembering.
Cyn spoke up but it was nothing more than a whisper. “What about his eyes?”
Jenna locked onto her. Of any of the girls Cyn would understand. Especially with Chris’ past. “They were devastated. Dead sometimes, but then other days it was like you could see the demons that plagued him. Every time I thought we were getting close to him opening up he’d throw up another wall. Another road block to keep himself separate from me. Except for the sex. The fantasies. Perfection.” Jenna shivered. “Just like the dreams. But better and worse.”
“Are the dreams nice at least?”
“They’re so wonderful they’re awful. He almost always breaks into my house and forces me to submit to him. In every dream he uses rope. It’s unbelievably sexy.”
“Damn.”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds or it’s worse, I don’t know. I’ve had rape and kidnapping fantasies before and he fulfilled one of them for me. He’s the only person I’ve ever trusted enough to ask for that.”
Cyn stiffened, some of the color draining from her cheeks. Realization crashed down on Jenna and she cupped Cyn’s jaw while mentally kicking her own ass.
“Dammit. I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” She pulled Cyn to her, met her in the middle, and kissed her mouth. She nibbled at her lips until she felt some of Cyn’s tension bleed into the room. Cyn had almost been raped by someone twice, the second time actually happening in one of the dungeon rooms at The Library not too many months back.
That was one of the reasons Chris and Jared decided to beef up security and a heck of a lot of other things around the dungeons to protect the members.
She sighed. “It’s okay. I know a lot of people have that fantasy. YKINOK and all that. It just catches me off guard sometimes. If you want to kiss me again, maybe that would make me feel better?”
“Who am I to say no to a request like that?” Cyn’s ponytail had taunted her all night long and she didn’t waste a minute more of thinking about it. Jenna grabbed it, hauling Cyn’s mouth to her again and licked inside. Cyn’s tongue slid along hers and they both moaned. Jenna tasted her lip gloss, angling her head, taking her mouth until Cyn’s fingernails pressed into her thighs.
Cyn’s breath pumped in and out, whispering across her cheek, making her wet and needy. Her want shot off the charts as Cyn moaned into her mouth.
Jenna licked her bottom lip, nibbling on it. Kissing her one more time because she couldn’t keep from it. “I’m so glad the twins let me play with you.”
“Me, too. You are definitely tasty. Never knew what I was missing until I met my Fairy Godslut. My door definitely swings both ways with you.”
“Damn straight.”
“What about me?” Haleigh pouted. “I didn’t get a kiss.” She wrinkled her nose and waited, fighting a smile the whole time. It was bratty behavior but somehow coming from Haleigh it was nothing but cute.
“Aww, sorry, hun. Didn’t mean to leave you out.” Jenna palmed her cheek, pulling her forward until her lips touched Haleigh’s.
Haleigh sighed, scooting closer and moving one of her legs over Jenna’s thigh. Jenna kissed her, seduced her into opening her mouth and then Haleigh’s tongue touched her lip. Jenna smiled as she adjusted herself on the bed so she was in a better position. Jenna loved how serious she took it and was blown away when Haleigh let herself go.
Cyn tucked a piece of hair behind Jenna’s ear and from the corner of her eye, she saw her do the same to Haleigh. “Better view?” she asked.
“Mmhmm.”
She kissed Haleigh and Haleigh kissed her back. The kiss wasn’t meant to inflame. It wasn’t horrendously dirty but her tender submission during it stirred something inside Jenna that she desperately needed while she felt so vulnerable about Ian.
Haleigh cupped her cheek, tucking her fingers into her hair and tugging just enough so Jenna definitely remembered who was kissing her. “Hair pulling? You dirty girl.”
“I like being dirty.” Haleigh lay down in bed, placing her head in Jenna’s lap.
Jenna shook her head at her and then started playing with her hair. She looked over at Skye expectantly.
She smiled. “You know I don’t do girls. Wish I did, ’cause that was hell for sexy. I like watching but the actual act of it? Yeah. Nothing.”
Jenna kissed her on the cheek anyway. “Maybe that’s why we’ve been friends for so long.”
Skye barked out a laugh. “Why? Because I never let you in my panties?”
“Yep.”
“Hey. I let you in my panties,” Cyn exclaimed.
“Me too,” Haleigh agreed. “Does that mean you’re going to stop being friends with us?”
“No, you didn’t let me in your pussies. Not either of you. Your men tell me exactly what I can do to each of you. So technically, it doesn’t count.”
“Technically. I like that.”
“It’s all about perspective.”
“It’s funny you should mention that.” Skye drew her attention and her brow made a V so Jenna prepared herself to lose her buzz. “The dreams are back. So you’re not getting off enough? You haven’t submitted to anyone and everything’s building up in your system? I know you. You’re like a bomb ready to go off at any time.”
Jenna chuckled but cringed inside with how accurate she was. “Something like that.”
“So
why don’t you get it on with Cyn or Haleigh? Not just kissing, I mean, really get it on?”
“Are you trying to be my pimp, Skye?”
She actually thought about it before answering and Jenna chuckled under her breath. “Not exactly. Ahh, hell. Don’t laugh, bitch. I’m just trying to figure out a way to get you what you need.”
“The only thing that’s ever set me straight again is submitting to a guy and someone pretty sadistic tends to level me back out faster.”
“Who’ve you submitted to in the past? It’s been what, four years, since Ian left?”
She winced. She tried not to but each time she heard it, it was as if someone belted her across the face.
“Umm. There was this guy named uhh… and then there was this other dude. I met him when I was in Chicago once…”
“That right there is what I’m worried about. You don’t remember them because they meant nothing to you.”
“Well, not nothing.”
“You were attracted to them, you cunt, but they couldn’t touch your heart. Right?”
“Hell no. Nobody’s touching that.”
“And you slept with them, what? Once? Maybe twice?”
Jenna wanted to refute what Skye hinted at but she couldn’t. She simply nodded, not wanting to live with the consequences of what she knew Skye had figured out.
She whispered so low, Jenna barely heard her. “Nick does. And if he doesn’t yet, he sure as hell will by the end of his month. So do you think it’s smart to pick him to take care of you? And don’t get all defensive, Ms. I Just Narrowed My Eyes At You. I’m not saying this to be a bitch. I’m saying this because I love you and I don’t want you to be hurt again.”
Jenna didn’t even realize she’d gotten a pinched look on her face but she was absolutely about to start defending Nick. And she knew Skye just wanted what was best for her. She wrapped her fingers and thumb around her forehead to massage her own temples. “He’s the only one I want. He’s the only one that calls to me.”
Haleigh rolled over a bit, staring up at her. Jenna lowered her hand, running Haleigh’s hair through her fingers to have something to do with her hands and something to focus on. “He’s in the dreams too. Not so much in them-in them, but in my head in the dreams, while Ian’s fucking me. It’s totally messed up. But I really do believe it’s Nick or nothing. And nothing right now is going to kill me if I can’t get some good sleep in the next few nights. I’m running on fumes as it is.”
Cyn took her hand and squeezed it. “Then you do what you need to and we’ll be here when you need to fall apart if you don’t want to do it in front of Nick. We’ll be your rocks, just like you were for each of us. Got it?”
Tears filled her eyes but she closed them before they tumbled over.
She was so lucky to have them in her life. Women that understood her and her needs. Didn’t ridicule or look down their nose at her for her desires. There weren’t a lot of people in the world that could say that and truly mean it, and she felt blessed.
Her mind was so scattered by everything but one thing kept popping up in her mind with giant question marks plastered over it. She blurted it out before she could stop herself. “Will it ever stop?”
“What? The dreams?” Cyn asked.
“No. The hurt. It’s been four years. And two months and twenty-three days. Will it ever go away?”
Sympathy crossed Cyn’s face but Haleigh’s the one who spoke up. “It’s probably like losing someone but you didn’t get to say goodbye. I think it’s harder that way. Keeps the pain fresh because you have no end to the pain. No way to forgive yourself or stop playing the ‘what if’ game.”
For all of Haleigh’s innocence, when she made comments like that she reminded all of them she’d lived with a lot. Battled in the fight of her life and won but at a heavy price.
Jenna made a mental note to hug Kyle and Scott again, just for simply loving such a sweet and wonderful soul as Haleigh’s. All three of them were special to her.
Cyn pulled her out of her own inner to-do list. “What did you mean by self-suspend? Or something like that. Skye started to say it earlier but you cut her off.”
Jenna wiped her eyes, glad to be focused on something else for a bit. “I not only bottom to riggers who can tie me in rope, I can tie myself.”
Silence met her explanation until Haleigh broke it. “Huh?”
Jenna chuckled and Skye snorted. “It took me a while to get my head around it but once you see her do it? It will blow your mind.”
“But isn’t the point of being tied up to have sex?”
“Sometimes.”
“Huh again?” Haleigh added. “Qu’est que c’est, sometimes? My brain does not compute with that.”
“Rope is very different than most forms of bondage. Two people that aren’t sexually attracted to each other can have amazing rope energy. And some other people that are very attracted to each other can crash and burn when it comes to rope. It’s very intense, whether you’re doing floor work or suspension or dynamic suspensions—where you transition through different ties, one leading into the next and to the next.”
“But how do you do it yourself?” Cyn questioned. “I don’t even see how that’s possible. Tying yourself up on the floor maybe, but in the air? Wouldn’t that be really hard? I can barely do ten chin-ups before I need a break and a smoothie.”
Jenna flexed her arm, proud as hell when her biceps made an impressive appearance. “Ever wondered why I’m so strong?”
Haleigh felt her arm, squeezing as she flexed. “Remind me to hire you as my bodyguard if I ever need it.”
Skye curled her hand into a fist at the mention of a bodyguard and Jenna wondered what that was about.
“I work out all the time, almost always in stages so every muscle group gets stronger. At least 6 days a week. I do cardio and spin, strength training like mad and running. I eat right, except for dark chocolate that totally doesn’t count.” She winked at Cyn, who smiled back at her. “Rope is a workout all on its own, too. It’s hard on your body. It tests it and if you’re not properly prepared for a certain tie or transition, you can get hurt. Badly.”
“If you can get hurt, even with someone else manning the rope, why do you do it?” Haleigh tilted her head, ready to hear her answer.
“Because I can. It’s a challenge and when I accomplish it by myself, it’s like I finished a triathlon. I’m proud of myself and high as a kite on endorphins. The world goes away when I tie. It’s just me, the suspension ring and the rope. That’s it.”
“But if it’s dangerous… Do you do it alone? What if something goes wrong?”
“Good question, Haleigh. Since you promised me you wouldn’t suspend alone and I sure as hell wasn’t in the loop, who’s been spotting you? I know you weren’t stupid enough to do it alone.”
“I’ve had a spotter. Promise you won’t get mad?”
“Duh. If you trusted someone to spot you, then they’re friends of mine. I’m not going to get my feelings hurt because you didn’t come to me. Well, okay, maybe a tiny bit but I’ll get over it.”
“Oscar.”
“Really?” Skye’s voice went up at the end of the word and her red hair bounced as she tilted her head. “Didn’t see that one coming but it kind of makes sense.”
“He’s been pretty perfect actually. I’m not sexually attracted to him, nor is he to me. He’s strong, funny and has absolutely been there for me when I’ve needed him. We don’t have to make chitchat the whole time either. He asks questions at times I tell him it’s okay to and he leaves me be when I just need his quiet strength to cuddle with afterward.”
“I’d like to see that sometime.” Cyn continued quickly. “That sounded kind of dirty but I meant the suspension part. I vaguely remember seeing the rope corset Haleigh wore but I was scared out of my damn mind that night, so the details of it are a bit sketchy.”
“I bet they were but you saved Chris that night, so in my book, you are a rock star.”
/>
“Thanks.” Cyn blushed the prettiest pink. “Why’d you cut her off?”
Jenna tried to think but couldn’t figure out what she meant. “Who?”
“Skye. Earlier. I know she was loud—like always—but why didn’t you want her to say self-suspend?”
Jenna thought about it for a second. “It’s hard for me, even just sitting here talking about it like it’s no big thing. I’ve hid that part of myself for years. It was something I did with Ian. Anything that we did together felt tainted after he left. My bed was the same but it felt too big. Songs on the radio were the same but they made my heart ache. Now take something as personal and mind-altering as rope? Ugh.
“It’s like I needed the time to find it for myself again. Make it my rope. Not his anymore, since I couldn’t give it to him. So I kept it all to myself.”
“But you shared it with me,” Haleigh corrected.
“How very right you are, my dear. I love it. I truly do and not sharing it with people, especially with the three of you…” She held Skye’s hand, lacing their fingers together and they clasped them, palm to palm. “Plus, if Nick’s at the command center watching and listening, I don’t want him to know about it yet or about Ian.
“I want to share that with him at my own speed. Since he noticed the rope marks I wore when no one else did, I have a feeling he might be into it. Though I’ve never seen it here.
“I think I’m ready to start sharing it. Maybe get a group of female riggers together who I can teach rope—self-suspension. I’ve got some other ideas I want to throw out there for you guys to think about, too.”
“About what? Something with the club?” Skye asked.
“No. About us opening a business together. Well, each of us having our own businesses but opening them together. Like in a strip center. I’ve been rolling something around in my head for a while and—”
The door opened and nerves jangled in every joint when all she saw over Cyn’s head was dark hair. For a minute she thought it was Nick, coming for her. But it was Chris, followed by Jared.
She smirked when they walked closer to the bed, both wearing white doctor coats. Jared had his buttoned so all they could see was a narrow triangle of flesh exposed at the top, but Chris had his open and he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his leather pants. Chris eyed Cyn, who was still in between Jenna’s legs, and looked as if he wanted to push her down and fuck her right there in the middle of the girl pile.
JennasConsent Page 5
