"Hey bitch, think you can come spring me from this hell hole. I am starving for real food. My leg is itching to death and did I mention I am so fucking glad you are okay." She sighs and I can hear the desperation in her voice. She is used to being the one to take care of patients not the other way around, well when it comes to the animals.
We fall into our natural easy banter until I break the news to her about Trouble. She doesn't even like Baby and she is jumping my bones ordering me to get my ass to Drag Creek. She barks at me to take her car. I check my voicemail after we end our call. The pain in my sister's voice, her panic at not being able to reach me decides for me. I have to stop being a chicken shit and face my problems head on. First, I will take care of my sister; I will worry about Rebel later.
It is so late and I probably should wait until tomorrow before driving, but the sooner I get to my sister's side the better.
21
Baby
**Drag Creek**
Stone received the call that my sister is okay and that Rush is dead but I get the feeling there is something he isn't telling us. No one will take my calls, hell even Foxie isn't picking the phone up for me. Sunshine keeps trying to reassure me but she can't hide the sadness and uncertainty that is written allover her face. She tries to send me home, telling me that I need to get my rest that all of this worrying isn't good for the baby. But fuck all of their closed mouths and pity fucking stares are scaring the shit out of me. If something happened to any of them, why wouldn't they tell me? This is my fucking family for Christ sakes.
Sleep finally took me and I awake in one of the guest rooms in the upstairs of the Roadhouse. When I get downstairs, it is so quiet, eerily quiet. The Roadhouse is empty except for Grim and Foxie. What in the hell is going on.
"Was it Rebel or Striker," I cry out, seeing a look of sheer heartbreak on Foxie's face.
"Maybe we should wait for Rumor," I hear her barely whisper to my father.
"No it can't wait. Baby," he grabs my hands in his. I slink down to the floor on me knees as the tears falling from my face blind me. My father comes down to the floor with me; he brushes my hair from my face and tries to dry my tears to no avail.
"Please, don't say it." I beg of him my heart can't take it.
"Trou.."
"No," I beat my hands against the floor as my father cradles me in the floor; he hasn't held me like this since I was toddler. Foxie comes to my side and the three of us sit there until I can no longer feel my legs, my knuckles are bloodied from hitting the floor. "It's not fair," I scream as my body begins to shake violently with rage. I just want to punch something, someone.
Striker picks the perfect time to come into the room. He reaches out to hug me and I slug him, I slug him good. I haven't hit him since we were kids and it feels good. He doesn't even flinch, doesn't even try to stop me as I wail into him.
"That's enough Baby," Grim holds my arms down.
Striker can't even look me in the eyes as he says, "Trouble said to tell you that he did it for you, always for you and that he loved you."
"Just tell me why."
Grim lets me go and Striker takes me into his arms and he tucks my hair behind my ear and he whispers, "Because he said I am going to be a father."
I push him away, I don't want this. I want Trouble. I need Trouble. I run as fast as my wobbly pregnant legs will carry me to our home, the home we was going to build the start of our family in. Grabbing at his clothes in the closet, I breathe him in. I can smell him, but I can't feel him. I just want to feel his touch. I tear from the trailer and open up his car as I collapse over the steering wheel.
Rebel is crouching down in the gravel leaning into the open car door, "Baby, I am so sorry."
"Don't, just go away Rebel; I don't need your pity."
"I can take you to see him, but you have to promise me you will try to get through this for your child." He places his hand over my belly and my baby kicks, giving me the control to give Trouble this much. I have to see him. Striker comes walking towards us and Rebel shoos him away. He knows his brother is the last person I want to see right now.
"Where's my sister?" I look to Rebel and he doesn't have an answer for me. He takes the keys to Trouble's car from my hands and helps me slide my ever-growing fat ass over the center console. Rebel starts the car and 'Heard it in a Love Song,' is belting through the speakers. You have got to be kidding me I laugh remembering Trouble using that line on me the day he agreed to claim me. I punch the dashboard and Rebel grabs my hand stopping me from doing any further damage to my swelling knuckles.
Rebel holds me up when my body fails me at the funeral home. He supports me in ways I never thought he could as I look down at Trouble's cold, blue lipped face. I run my fingers through his hair, and I brush my thumb over his mouth, praying to god that this is a dream and when I awake, Trouble will be lying in our bed next me. I place a kiss on his lips for the last time. "I will always love you."
Sunshine and Grim are waiting in the office for me along with Trouble's aunt; they make the arrangements together because I am not able to do it. His aunt smiles at me sweetly, "you know Baby, Colt never even liked motorcycles until he met those Black boys at school, and he started hanging around them, which brought him to you. He never stopped talking about you, since the day he first laid eyes on you." She twirls a strand of my hair in her fingers, causing me to look at her. "He was right, those wild eyes and your red hair are beautiful. He came home one day and he told me, I met the girl I'm going to marry one day. You made him happy and he would want you to be happy. So don't forget that."
**
Trouble was buried with club honors. I didn't allow Striker to come to the service. I know it's harsh and it's not his fault but I can't bear looking at him. I keep flashing all of my memories of Trouble through my mind. I can see him so vividly in my dreams. But I can never touch him, and I can't hear him. That is what bothers me the most, that I can't hear him. I keep calling his cell phone thinking he will pick up, but it just buzzes against the wood of his nightstand. I don't know who even brought it home for him. Voicemail picks up and I wait hoping to hear his voice, but all I get in return is the prerecorded automated response.
Two days later, we get the call about my sister. She crashed Aspen's car on her way to getting here to be with me. It took the police and the hospital some time to track down her family, because the car was registered to Aspen and her ID showed her Chicago address they started looking for her next of kin there. After they got in touch with Aspen, she pointed them to me. So, now days after losing Trouble and putting his body in the ground I fear that I am about to lose my sister too. I thought she was avoiding Rebel and me but she was unconscious.
I lay my head down beside of her, trying to avoid mashing my belly against the rail of her hospital bed and avoiding the tubes and wires poking in and out of her body. Her face is swollen and badly bruised but the doctors say it is from the airbags, it looks worse than it appears. She has suffered a broken wrist and a concussion. The swelling on her brain is going down and she should awaken at any time. I am so exhausted from days of worry and no sleep.
Rebel comes into the room and I have Grim take me to the hotel so I can try to get some rest.
Rebel
I give Baby a small squeeze as she leaves to go to the hotel with Grim; she has to start taking better care of herself. Taking Rumor's good hand in mine I caress her skin with my fingers, as I talk to her. "You need wake up for me sweetheart; I have big plans for you once you do. I know you can hear me Rumor, you scared the shit out of me and once I get you out of this damn bed, I am putting you in mine and keeping you there. I don't care how much you fight it, you are mine and I am claiming you. You will live in Drag Creek with me as my old lady and if you try to leave me, I will chain you to the bed and I will kill anyone who tries to stop me."
"Okay," She croaks scaring the hell outta' me.
"Your awake, fuck, baby let me get the nurse." She holds onto my hand squee
zing it tight, I kiss her on the cheek before running to the nurse's station.
I wait outside of the room and wait until the doctor is finished examining her, he comes out and informs that she is alert, and her memory is a little groggy, that she might still fade in and out of sleep but it is normal from the medication. When I get back inside of her room, she is awake and ready to talk to me.
The first thing she needs to know is how her sister is coping. I fill her in on what I can about Baby. I understand completely about being worried about your sibling. Striker is worrying the fuck out of me. Since this shit happened with Trouble he has been even more fucked up than he has been in recent months. Baby won't look at him, won't let him anywhere near her. I tried talking to her, she knows it isn't his fault, it is just hard for her but Striker doesn't understand that. He blames himself and he had the nerve to tell me it should have been him. I would have kicked his ass for saying it too but he passed out.
Our conversation takes another turn when Rumor blushes as she says, "I heard everything you said to me a few minutes ago, and if you meant what you said, then I meant it when I said okay."
"Good because you don't have a choice, you are going to wear my brand; in fact I may just have Inkman tattoo property of Rebel Black across your right ass cheek."
"Why the right, are you impartial to the left," she laughs and I know we are going to be okay. I know that somehow we will survive anything that comes our way as long as we are together.
Rumor
I know what I said about letting Rebel go, but as I was driving home to be with my sister in her time of need, I realized life is too short and sometimes you just have to go with it. And as the thought struck me, I struck a deer in the road. I was too busy inside of my own head I shouldn't have been driving in the shape I was in. My life flashed before my eyes, I blocked out the bad and the one constant thing I was seeing was images of Rebel and I prayed to god to just let me see him once more. Then everything went black. When I awoke Rebel was telling me all of the things I needed to hear. And I have no complaints if he wants to go all caveman crazy and lock me away, I'll do it for him. I'd do anything to be with him.
Baby
**3 months later**
Cradling my newborn son in my arms, I already know what I must do. I am going to give Sunshine and Grim the gift of a son. They can give him things I can't. What matters is that I do what's best for this dark haired angel who is depending on me to give him the world. I can't give him the family he deserves, his father doesn't have a clue he belongs to him and he never will if I have anything to do with it. How do you stay when the person who owns your heart, body and soul belongs to another? Where do broken hearts go when home is all you know, but home is where he is...
Is there such a thing as loving someone too much–too hard? I think maybe the world wasn't ready for the love we shared, it was a ride or die love. Love either grows or dies. If it grows, it expands beyond the depths of our reach, but if it dies, there is no getting it back. I miss Trouble so much, he should be here now holding my hand cooing over this beautiful baby boy. I know Trouble wasn't his father but he was going to be.
"So what are you going to name him?" My sister is holding her hands out, begging to hold him.
"I think I will call him Colt, after Trouble." Rumor smiles at me, the bitch has been glowing ever since her and Rebel made things official. I really am happy for them; they have been so good to me these past few months. I wouldn't have gotten this far if it weren't for them. It hasn't been easy, I was ready to give up so many times. When I am at home Trouble's memory is everywhere no matter where I turn I can't escape him. I don't want to forget him but it's so hard when every little thing keeps him constantly on my mind.
Grim and Sunshine enter the room; they are totally smitten with my boy. Sunshine knows what I want to do. She keeps encouraging me to wait a while. She says I have her full support either way. I moved back home with her and Grim after everything that happened. I didn't have much choice, they didn't trust me to be alone. Anyway, Sunshine wants me to be really sure before I make a decision, she knows how hard it is to give up a child. But it isn't like I wouldn't be a part of his life. I would be, I just wouldn't be in his life as his mom. He has such dark hair; I hope that it lightens some, so that it resembles Trouble's hair. Striker hasn't tried to make any claims to my son and I am going to be damn sure to keep it that way. He is a drunken fool; no one can do a damn thing with him. He is always hanging around the Roadhouse with a new whore on his arm every night. I see him taking them to his apartment, where we made my son. He makes me sick. I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. I never thought I would feel so poorly towards him but I do.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be in this mess. If he had just left me alone, I might not have gotten pregnant. Trouble and I might have found our way to each other naturally and we might be together now. But there is no use in dwelling on things I can't change. I can only move forward and try to go on living for Colt. Trouble would want that. He wouldn't want to see me so depressed.
Foxie comes knocking on the door, if I thought she wouldn't find me completely odd I wouldn't allow her in to see him. The thought that she might see some of her son in his features terrifies me to no end. Everything leading up to this and Trouble dying would mean nothing if the truth came out. Not that I wouldn't shout it from the rooftops if it would give me back Trouble.
Hell it isn't like Striker cares, we haven't spoken to each other since Trouble died. Not that I have given him the opportunity to get close enough to me. I avoid him at all cost.
**
I have been home from the hospital for a few weeks now and I now know what Sunshine meant about thinking things through. Since I have been home with Colt, I have not been able to put the little guy down. LL has come over with her kids, she just had her and Romeo's third child about two months ago, a daughter named Miracle. A part of me thinks she is secretly here to make sure that Colt looks nothing like her kids. I know Romeo said she never found out and he and I have kept our distance from one another, but I can't help but wonder as LL studies his face.
"I think he is going to have your eyes Baby" she smiles and places him in the crib next to Miracle. Dawn and Jamie come running through the trailer asking if they can walk over to the Roadhouse for pizza.
"Will you take them Baby, I swear my feet are killing me, I'd almost give my left arm for a nap." Both of the babies are sleeping and LL looks exhausted, so I give in and let her take a nap in the recliner in the nursery—Rumor's former room. Her and Rebel live in Slim and Foxie's old trailer the one I was sharing with Trouble.
It's midday on Sunday so I know there won't be any activity that isn't kid friendly going on at the Roadhouse. Everyone is probably hung-over, and Rumor is working in the kitchen today. I get the kids settled at a table the place is dead other than a few stragglers trying to cure their hangover with the hair of the dog. Rumor joins me at the bar while the food is baking in the oven.
"Where's my adorable little nephew?"
"Home sleeping and he is not setting foot in this place until I am dead and gone."
"Yeah right," she snorts. "I seem to recall it wasn't that long ago that you were in here underage and up to no good."
"Who me," I question her pretending to glance around the room, like she can't possibly be referring to me. She smacks my arm and goes back into the kitchen to check on the food. I am getting hungry; pizza is starting to sound pretty damn good.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I can feel him standing beside of me, but I am choosing not to acknowledge him–Striker. "Baby," he lays his hand over mine on the bar. Oh hell no, I try to keep my temper in check because I don't want to blow up at him in front of Dawn and Jamie.
I look at him menacingly from the corner of my eye and shit is he actually sober? I think he is. His hair has been cut, he has shaved and he smells like he has showered. "I want to see him."
"Who," I look at him as though I am c
lueless as to whom he is, when I know deep down he wants to see Colt. This is not good.
"You know who," he swallows hard, not sure if he is prepared to fight me on this quite yet or not.
"I would choose the next sentence that comes out of your mouth carefully." I stand from my stool and turn on my heel to walk away.
Striker grabs a hold of my wrist, I could break free he isn't digging into my skin or anything. I did not expect his touch to effect me at all, but it makes my chest constrict and I feel fevered under his touch. "I deserve to see him," he looks at me with a sad far-off gaze and I can see that he is sincere but he doesn't get to tell me what he deserves.
"Don't get me started with what you deserve," I snap at him keeping my voice level so I don't alert anyone to our conversation.
"I don't expect anything Baby; I just want to see him once that's all."
"We'll see." He lets go of my arm just as Rumor brings out the kids' food.
"Everything okay here?" She senses the tension between us.
"Great, but I think we will just take this back over to the house instead."
"Sure," she smiles weakly and takes the food back to the kitchen.
"Awe man, I wanted to play pool." Jamie pouts.
"You don't have to leave on my account, I'll go." Striker almost breaks me with the pain he is trying to mask with his fake smile, but he deserves to be sad. To ache like I have, to feel broken beyond repair.
"Nope, we're going, I'll call you and let you know a good time to stop by."
"Thank you," he whispers sounding grateful. Yeah remember you told me you'd call me, let's see how you like to be the one left waiting for a call that never comes.
LL and the kids take off after devouring their pizza but not before making me promise to schedule play dates for Miracle and Colt in the future. After Colt finishes his bottle and falls back to sleep, I decide momma is need of a long hot bath. I take Trouble's Ipod into the bathroom and hit shuffle. 'I'm gonna' keep on lovin' you', plays and a tear slides down my face, because this song rings true for me on so many levels.
Baby (Black Rebel Riders' MC) Page 16
