by Susan Stec
"Great! That better not be raccoon shit you're rolling in."
The wolf got back on all four paws, shook his furry body, and then nosed the napkin. With nostrils flaring, he turned to the Eustis boat dock.
Gibbie landed by the napkin, sniffing. "It's one of the women, isn't it?"
The wolf snorted and took off, leaping over scrub along the water's edge, Gibbie close behind.
~~~~
"There's the tributary we're looking for! See the marker?" JoAnn gave me instructions.
"I see it, Jiggles. It's not like I haven't been up this canal at least a thousand times in the last thirty years."
"Then why are you moving so damn slow?" Mom had her hands on her hips, smears of red pizza sauce across her tube top sticking out under a bright orange life-vest.
"Nanna, sit down somewhere before you fall again." Resi laughed, tugging her toward a seat.
"I'm going slow because I have to raise the motor to get through the canal. It's hard to maneuver since the hurricane last year. There are a lot of branches in the water." I eased back on the throttle, hitting the button to lift the engine a little higher. "Resi, get up front with Zaire and lean over the bow so you can see any trees lying in the canal."
"This is stupid. Just hit it and get us there," Mom ordered.
"Nanna, Mom knows what she's doing. Slide down in your seat so Zaire and Jeni can look for the cabin," Resi said, her ass in the air backlit by a small flashlight as she played it over the water in front of the boat.
Fifteen minutes later Jeni said, "Look! There's the cabin!" She pointed at a small wood frame building with a light shining over the back door.
After tying the boat to the small dock on the canal, we entered the cabin and my mother wrinkled her nose. "Jesus, it smells like month old tuna and Aqua Velva in here."
"Okay, so I guess the couches are fold-outs?" Resi stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at two worn pieces of furniture.
"Looks that way," I said, thinking I'd lay claim to the bottom bunk of an equally worn bed against the far wall. "Let's just get everything put away and then discuss our next move." I walked over to the little kitchen area and turned on a small radio sitting on the breakfast bar. The twang of Clint Black filled the small room with his country drawl.
Zaire pulled five bags of blood from a cooler and laid them on a small plastic table, shoving the cooler underneath.
JoAnn, blood bag in hand, popped in a bendy straw and started sucking. She pulled a small laptop from her duffle bag, set it on a plastic table and began to hook it up.
Mom snatched a bag of blood, headed for one of the couches, laid the blood bag aside and began rummaging for something, elbow deep in the bowels of the black abyss she called a handbag.
"Why is it that every time I look into this damn purse, I can't find a thing?"
"Move, let me look. What is it that you just have to have right now?" I yanked the purse from her and shoved my hand inside.
Mom smiled at me. "My vibrator."
I dropped the purse to the floor, took two steps back and rubbed my hand on my jeans, my whole body revolting at the thought of my hand connecting with my mother's sex toy.
Resi's eyes jerked around the single-room accommodations with disgust. "Surely, you are not going to…."
"Oh please," she said, pointing at a door off the kitchenette. "I'm going to take a hot bath and enjoy my bag of blood and my fantasies. Get the hell out of my way."
"Lalalalalalalala," JoAnn sang, her hands over her ears.
Zaire laughed, pulling a drained bag from her mouth. "Damn, I love this family." She reached under the table and tossed it in the cooler.
Mom and I faced off.
"Mother, leave her alone," Jeni said. "At least she's making an effort." Jeni hooked the laptop up to her cell and cranked it on. "I'm going to check my mail, cancel our blood order, then find us plane tickets online. I think going north would be a good idea. Any ideas on what state we want to explore?"
"Yeah, Alaska." I smiled at my mother, kicking the purse in her direction.
She frowned at me, picked it up, and with a look of pure spite, stuck her head halfway in. Her hand followed her face and she came out with the biggest, ugliest sex toy I'd ever seen. It looked like an obnoxiously large jellybean penis. She held it up like a sword, pushing it toward my face. I jumped back like it was a loaded gun.
She tossed the purse behind her on the couch with the rest of her stuff and turned the damn thing on. It began to undulate with a purring noise that brought bile up in my throat.
"If I could suck on a man instead of this frigging bag of blood, I wouldn't need this!" Mom shoved her alternative toward my face again. I held my breath, praying for my nose to fall off my face.
"Go ahead, put me in a tin can with a bunch of warm bodies and just see how many of them make it to Alaska." She strutted by us with the vibrator singing in her hand. "Pick a state within driving distance, Jeni."
Jeni shot her a grin and kept typing.
"Well, all-righty-then." Zaire grinned.
"That's just so…sick! Does anyone else see… how dysfunctional this is?" JoAnn yelled a little too loud, her hands covering her ears.
I cringed and tried not to think about the little woman with the big dildo in the bathroom. Resi smiled at Zaire, got up, walked over to the radio and pumped up the volume. An announcer's voice ricocheted off the walls of the cabin.
It's another all night bowl-a-thon at ‘Meet Me On The Alley’ in the Silver Pines Plaza on Old 441. Get your balls polished and join Mickey for six hours of fun and games starting tonight at midnight. This year Mickey's giving away ten-thousand in cold hard cash to the winning team…
"Holy shit! You guys hear that?" Zaire became animated. "Ten big ones! It could pay for our trip."
As I pondered that, the announcer gave us more information.
…and Tom Jenkins, our bouncing, announcing, man with the tan - a real smooth talker, gets around real good with his new walker - will be on site to spin-'em and watch you win-'em. So come on all you seniors, and even you wieners…
"We don't have time to hit the bowling alley, Zaire." I said, thinking my bowling skills would not get the desired results, anyway. "Find another channel. That man's beginning to nauseate me."
"I'm just saying…" Zaire flipped the dial, cutting the announcer off in mid-sentence.
"As soon as Jeni finds us a flight, we need to get going." JoAnn took another swig from the bendy straw. "I'm sure it won't take those guys long to find us."
"I think we should stay and kick some ass." Zaire wrapped her arms around Resi.
I shot her a look.
"Well, I do," she spat. "Why should we leave our lake for those bastards?"
"Uh, because they're going to cut your heads off?" Jeni said. "Or have you forgotten that little tidbit of information?"
~~~~
Chapter Twenty-three
~~~~
JoAnn and I were dishing out large scoops of blueberry buckle ice cream, listening to Zaire, Jeni, and Resi discussing the pros and cons of entering the all night Bowl-a-thon.
"I just think ten grand is hard to pass up," Zaire said.
"We don't need the money. Mom's loaded," Jeni tapped the keys on her laptop, causing it to wobble on the small table.
I had to admit, she was right. After three divorces, I was sitting pretty. I owned a boat, a Jeep and a pricey lakefront home, not to mention the two sizable alimony checks and the retirement check I got every month. We didn't need the ten grand.
My mother, all rosy from her bath, walked into the kitchen fully dressed with a towel around her head and the dildo in her hand. "Ahhh, I feel so much better."
An abrupt knocking on the door nipped any witty comments.
"That's probably just Carl checking on us. Go let him in, Aunt JoAnn," Jeni ordered.
"Not until she puts that ugly thing away." JoAnn pointed at the dildo with a scowl.
Mom shoved the object in que
stion into the silverware drawer. JoAnn gasped and put her hand over her mouth. I strutted by, lips curled back, and opened the cabin door.
Paul stepped in with a big smile on his human face. "I came to rescue your cute little asses."
JoAnn took one look at him and shrieked. She made a beeline for the kitchen, opening doors under the sink, shoving things all over the floor, looking for God knows what.
She finally jumped into a fighting stance with a can of bug repellent in her hand, tore off the lid and began spraying Paul.
"A stronzo, you think you're gonna scare him with a can of Raid?" Mom coughed, fanning her nose. She raised her arm, turned her knuckles at JoAnn and shook her hand. "Allocco!"
"Give me that damn thing." I grabbed for the can.
"He has a big bug on his shoulder!" JoAnn yelled, yanking the can free. A cloud of noxious fog followed it. "Grab a flyswatter, somebody!"
"Yeah, grab one, will ya, Susan?" Mom said, still shaking her hand at JoAnn. "So I can knock some sense into la allocco with the can in her hand."
The bug peeked out from behind Paul's long black hair, sputtered, and wiped his cute little face, wings all aflutter. "JoAnn, if you don't put that can down, I'm going to dust you with something to put you out of your misery."
JoAnn yelped and made the sign of the cross with her free hand. "The bug can talk. My God, that's a talking bug!"
Paul reached out and plucked the can from her hand. "You might not want to piss the fairy off any more than you already have." He tossed the can in the sink, then picked up a dishtowel and ran it across his face.
Resi strolled over and stopped in front of the fairy with a big grin. "Damn, you're adorable. I'm Resi," she giggled.
The fairy wore itty-bitty jeans hugging his cute little ass, a billowy purple shirt tucked into a red bandanna tied around his waist, with a sword hanging at his hip. Orange cowboy boots with tiny gold stars adorned his feet, matching his hair color, which was cut in a cute little pageboy that bounced around a heart shaped freckled face, and split over his pointy ears. He looked to be no more than two inches tall. A scowl rounded out the ensemble.
"The name's Gibbie," the fairy said, his hand on the hilt of his sword, his eyes on JoAnn. "And I'm not fond of you."
Mom put a hand over an open mouth, backed up two steps, narrowed her eyes and stared at the little anomaly.
"Is he cute or what?" Resi asked.
I noticed Jeni was not looking at the fairy on Wolf-boy's shoulder, but instead, smiled at Paul. Their eyes locked on each other.
"So how the hell did you and the fairy find us?" I asked, pulling Paul's attention in my direction.
"Gibbie stowed away on your boat," Paul said.
"I live on the patio in the rock arrangement with all those beautiful orchids growing around it," Gibbie said, his hands resting on his hips as he turned to JoAnn. "You really piss me off when you work out there doing what you so commonly refer to as gardening."
"Our garden? You live in our garden?" JoAnn asked.
"Yes."
"Shame raccoons don't eat bugs," Zaire snickered.
Gibbie shot her an icy look.
"How come we never saw you?" I asked, looking at a creature right out of one of our fantasy books.
"Oh, JoAnn knew I was there," Gibbie squeaked. "Every time she poked her lime green gloves in my home, she went inside yelling for the Benadryl, now didn't you, lady?"
"That was you?" JoAnn howled. She moved closer to the offending incongruity, her finger going for his chest. The fairy flew out of her reach and landed on Paul's other shoulder.
"Bet your ass!" Gibbie hooded his eyes at JoAnn.
Mom still had her hand over her mouth as she followed the conversation.
"For a little shit, you got big balls," Zaire said with a laugh.
"So, you're the spy that squealed to Marcus about us?" I snapped.
"Not me. The troll's the stoolie," Gibbie shrieked at a pitch that made my ears hurt. "A real pain in the butt too. He lives under your dock."
Paul shuffled from one foot to the other looking guilty.
Jeni smiled. "A fairy in our rock garden and a troll under the dock?"
"A troll?" I immediately thought about the rock with arms at the boat dock earlier. "Just exactly what does a troll look like?"
"A big, ugly, obnoxious piece of mortar." Gibbie pointed at Zaire. "And he's not fond of you, little black woman."
"How does a troll have contact with a vampire?" Jeni asked.
"You made me itch?" JoAnn was still several pages behind the rest of us.
"I feel like stomping some troll ass," Zaire interrupted.
"I wouldn't screw with the troll if I were you, little black woman," Gibbie warned, hanging from the wolf's earlobe like an earring.
"Can you buy explosives on the internet?" Mom asked.
I was slowly losing my mind. I shook my head a couple of times and closed my eyes, but when I opened them, they were all still standing there.
"I don't need explosives. I got me a big ass shotgun in the boat." Zaire's silver eyes shot daggers at Gibbie.
"How do you know it was the troll?" I casually interrupted, as if I weren't talking to a two-inch creature with wings about a troll that lives under my dock. Any minute now I was going to wake up in some insane asylum coming down off a medication high.
"I followed him across the lake to the bridge on the other side," Gibbie stated. "He met with one of Dorius' cronies, Warren, and they had a long chat. He's been over there several times since. Dorius has enough shit on you guys to fry your asses."
"How about a sandblaster? Wha'da'ya figure one of those would cost?" Mom asked.
Paul swayed nervously under Gibbie.
"Screw Dorius, I'm not goin' down without a fight!" Zaire's face was two inches from Paul's nose.
"Little black woman, one more word about kicking someone's ass, anyone's ass, and I dust your ass." Gibbie flew behind her making a shrill noise with his wings. She whipped around reaching for him with angry eyes. Her fangs extended and retracted. Not a good sign.
"Do they make a handheld, battery operated saw that cuts rock?" Mom asked.
"Call me that again you leprechaun wannabe, and Rover's gonna be pulling those wings outta your butt cheeks," Zaire growled through clenched teeth, reaching to swat at him again.
With a wide grin and a flamboyant swing of his sword, Gibbie zipped through the air and swung from the bottom of the light fixture. With the rebellious tone of a six-foot swashbuckler, he chanted, "Little bitty black-woman, spouting lots o' flack! Little bitty black-woman better watch her back!" He cocked his head and buzzed from the fixture, hovering in front of Zaire's face.
"It's African-American, bug."
"Weeell excu-u-use me, your highness. Cuz all I see is a plain ole black vamp with her thong up her ass," he said, with a flutter of wings that blew Zaire's hair in her eyes.
"Did'ya find that flyswatter, Mom?" Zaire gave her hair an angry puff as she strutted around the kitchen, making a big deal out of searching the counters. She finally settled on an old newspaper that she rolled up and turned at him.
"Oh, hell yeah, bring it on little black be-otch!" Gibbie zigzagged in front of her face, a blur of red sparkles, his sword swinging dangerously close to her nose.
We all watched as she did a boxer shuffle, combined with a few swings of the newspaper. He only screeched louder, avoiding every move she made.
Although I was amused watching Zaire try to swat a fairy, I tried to nip it. "Alright Zaire, I think we have enough to worry about with head hunting vampires, a rock that squeals like a pig, and Lon Chaney over there. So knock it off because if you keep it up, all I have to work with here is an old lady sporting a dildo and my idiot sister."
"What am I, pond sludge?" Resi asked.
"Look, screw these two. We can take 'em." Zaire whipped the newspaper in an arc over her head.
"What about a jackhammer?" Mom asked from the computer, clearly intent on deci
mating the troll.
Gibbie flew in a flash of orange sparkles and abruptly stopped one inch from her nose. "Get your undies out of your ass. We came to help all of you! Well, except JoAnn. I don't like her." Gibbie pushed his cute little eyebrows together, pointing a small finger at my sister.
The wolf's chest rumbled. "I told you the day I met you that I worked for them. I also told you to contact them as soon as you got the package. You did not do that."
"We called and ordered blood and asked to speak to the council, but Buffy wouldn't let us," Resi said.
Jeni added, "Paul, I personally emailed Dorius and explained the girl's actions as well as the fact that we read the book and they were now playing by the rules. We got no response. They did send them the blood Mom ordered, so the girls thought our explanation was accepted."
Gibbie fluttered around Jeni as she spoke, wings humming a high-pitched buzz.
Paul turned to me. "I believe I made it perfectly clear that you would need to make an appointment. Now I'll have to take all of you to them and explain as best as I can that it was my error, not yours." The wolf's eyes found Jeni. "I don't make mistakes, so let's hope they buy it."
"I'm not going anywhere with you, flea bag," Zaire growled.
Gibbie landed on Resi's shoulder and adjusted his sash. "Little black woman, Dorius has an army of vampires and I've seen what they're capable of. You won't win this one and your attitude is going to get all of us killed."
"If you think any of us are just gonna waltz outta here with you two you're nuts!" Zaire tried another poke with the newspaper. Wings buzzing like a band saw, the fairy flew three circles around her and landed on Paul's shoulder.
"I'm with Zaire," Mom shouted over her shoulder. "Ohio Power Tools has everything we need for troll blasting. Placing an order…" she sang.
"We were thinking about going north," Jeni said, ignoring both of them.
Gibbie flew up to the kitchen light fixture, perched on its edge and studied us.
"Dorius will find you wherever you go, Jeni," Paul warned. "It's not a fight your family has a chance of winning."
