by C. A. Harms
At this point it wasn’t only my father who felt disappointed in me; I felt it too. Because I had let down the one person I told myself I never would.
Ethan.
Chapter Sixteen
Clayton
“What do you mean she’s gone?” I asked as I stood in the hallway just outside Emelie’s apartment. Palmer filled the doorway and I’d seen evidence that she’d been crying all over her face. Her eyes and nose were red, her eyelashes moistened.
“She packed a bag for her and Ethan.” Palmer crossed her arms over her chest. “I shouldn’t tell you, but I’m worried about her.”
“Tell me what?”
“Her dad showed up here this morning, and he was pissed that she wasn’t here.” I knew very little about her parents, but from what I did know, they seemed like entitled fuckwads who didn’t deserve the daughter or grandson they had. “When she walked in wearing the same clothes from last night, well, he put two and two together and he went off on her. He called Ethan a mistake, and that—”
“He what?” Now I could feel my anger overpowering my worry.
“He told her that he thought by now she’d be adult enough to be taking care of her past mistake and not out repeating history. He asked her if in nine months he was gonna have another child to support.” My blood was boiling and now Palmer was crying. “She went right back at him, which I gotta say I never saw coming. Defended Ethan and then herself. After he was gone she blamed me, and maybe she’s right.”
Palmer seemed so lost.
“I did push her to let you in. Heck, I’m the one that texted you that first night and told you to come over. If I hadn’t done that, then she would have just kept pushing you away and everything would still be okay."
My head was spinning with the information she’d just given me. “No,” I finally said, gaining her full attention. “I would have pushed harder, Palmer, because I wanted her and I wanted Ethan. From the first time the little guy climbed up in my lap I knew I wanted them both. So you pushing changed nothing. Maybe it got me here, but I can assure you I would have ended up here at some point anyway.”
“So confident.” She laughed through her tears.
“I just know that there was no way I would have given up.” I looked down at Emilie’s phone in my hand, and panic hit me. “She doesn’t have a phone with her.”
“She took mine.” Palmer eased my worries. “She didn’t want to, but I left her no choice. There was no way she was leaving without having some way to call for help if she needed to.”
“Do you know where she’d go?” She shook her head. “Call her.” I held out Emelie’s phone. “I need to make sure she’s okay.”
“She’s not, that I can assure you.”
“Then I have to make her all right,” I confessed, feeling the rawness in my throat growing. “She’s gotta know that we’re here, no matter what. My guess is right now she feels pretty lonely.”
“And sad, and disappointed,” Palmer added, only making that annoying knot that was already lingering in my stomach even larger. “She won’t want to talk, I know her. She’ll need distance, and me forcing her to get on the phone with you won’t help.”
“Then I won’t say anything,” I assured her. “I just need to know that they’re okay. I won’t push, Palmer, but I also won’t walk away and ignore the fact that they’re out there somewhere alone either.”
Palmer finally reached out and took the phone from me, slowly dialing her own number with shaky fingers. I watched as she pressed the speaker button, then looked up at me with a stern look. “You say nothing.”
I only nodded as the line began to ring.
One, two, three rings, and with each one that discouraged feeling inside me become crippling.
“I’m okay.” Emelie’s voice broke through the phone and I felt my hand twitch to reach out for the phone but I fought it. “I just needed to get away, P. I couldn’t breathe there.”
“Get away where, Em?” Palmer replied and I listened to the two of them carry on a conversation that no matter what I couldn’t be a part of. “Tell me and I’ll come to you.
Emelie ignored her question. “You’re calling from my phone, which means Clay came over.”
“He did.” Palmer’s stare met my own.
“Just tell him that something came up with my family.” Emelie spoke so sadly. “I’ll figure out what to tell him. I need to let him down gently.”
“Let him down?”
I looked up at Palmer with alarm racing through me.
“I got off track, Palmer, I messed up and I should have listened to myself from the start.”
“So you’re gonna push him away?” Palmer held up her hand to stop me as I reached out for the phone. “That isn’t gonna fix anything, Em. He doesn’t deserve that and you know it. Neither does Ethan, because you know yourself your son adores him. Punishing all of you isn’t gonna change the fact that your dad is an asshole.”
“I’ve messed up everything.” I could tell she was crying and goddamn if it didn’t gut me.
“No, your father messed up.” Each minute of this conversation only managed to make me respect Palmer even more. “That man is toxic, and I’ve watched you bust your ass for the last three years, even when you were eight months pregnant, working two jobs, and going through college, yet all he wanted was more. He’ll always want more, Em. At some point in your life you have to decide if all the shit is worth it or if you’re better off without his control. Now I can answer that for you right now, but unfortunately it has to be you that makes the final call. Push away those that care more for you than I think he ever did, or spend the rest of your life running yourself dry and still coming out empty-handed.”
“I can’t pay for the apartment, Palmer, there’s no way.” I gave Palmer a confused look and she shook her head no.
“You don’t have to. We just tighten up our budget, no more unnecessary spending. I have my income and yours. We’ll be fine.”
“We won’t.” Emelie sniffled.
“We will,” Palmer corrected.
I could hear Ethan in the background laughing, and though he was happy it still saddened me because I had no fucking clue where they were.
“I just need a little time alone.” Emelie finally broke through the silence. “I’m at the zoo. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“You need to call him,” Palmer insisted. “He’s worried, so you gotta give him something.”
“I will.” Emelie let out a deep breath. “I just can’t talk to him right now. I know if I do I’ll fall apart. Last night was amazing and now here I am running away. It makes me feel even more vulnerable.”
“My guess is that he won’t care about anything other than knowing that you’re both okay. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy that’s gonna judge you, Em.”
“I know, it’s one of the things I love about him. He’s good to us.” Again I heard Ethan giggle.
“And you were actually gonna attempt to end things with him.” Hearing Palmer say what I’d already heard earlier only brought back that same crippling pain in my chest.
“It wouldn’t have worked,” Emelie said. “I love him too much to let him go so easily.”
My heart fucking ached, more than it had ever ached before. Hearing her tell Palmer she loved me so freely and not say it in returning was next to impossible.
“Call him, Em.” Palmer took in a deep breath and released it slowly. “Put the guy out of the misery I know he’s in.”
I mouthed a “thank you” to her and she nodded.
“I will,” Emelie assured her. “I promise.”
***
I left Emelie and Palmer’s place feeling lost. Part of me wanted to just get in my car and drive straight for the zoo, but I wouldn’t violate Palmer’s trust. I wanted more than anything to hold both Emelie and Ethan in my arms.
Actually, what I really wanted to do was figure out where in the hell her father was and wring his fucking neck. Son of
a bitch had hurt Em, and after what he called Ethan, I don’t care what took place from here on out. That man had no place in my world. Fuck him.
I didn’t go straight back to the house; I couldn’t. They’d see right through me and I loved the guys, really I did, but I didn’t want to go over the shit I was feeling.
I just needed some time.
Chapter Seventeen
Emelie
I sat outside Clayton’s house, staring at the windshield as the rain beaded and slowly ran down. It was almost hypnotic, or therapeutic maybe. My thoughts were still racing, with all my fears and concerns threatening to drown me.
Ethan had fallen asleep after spending the entire day at the zoo. Once he was set loose, it was hard to drag him away. Eventually I just stopped trying and gave in.
Movement next to my passenger window gained my attention, just before I heard a soft knock on the glass. Blake looked through the glass, the hood of her sweatshirt pulled up and over her head. I clicked unlock on my key fob and she pulled open the door and quickly hopped inside. “Wow,” she said, shivering, “that rain is so cold.”
I forced a smile and she immediately picked up on it as her own smile faltered. “What’s going on?”
“Just trying to work up the courage to go inside.”
“Did Clayton do something to upset you again?” Her hand was already on the handle like she was prepared to march inside and defend my honor or something.
“No.” I shook my head. “Nothing like that. I just had a heavy argument with my dad earlier today and he said a lot of hurtful things, about my son in particular.” I pointed to the backseat and Blake looked behind her.
“Oh shoot, he’s sleeping,” she said in a hushed whisper. “Sorry.”
“He’ll sleep through anything, it’s okay,” I assured her. “I just think I owe Clayton an explanation and I didn’t feel right about offering it over the phone.”
There was a long silent pause, only the sound of the rain hitting the windows. I looked at Blake and then looked away, unable to handle the concerned look on her face. I knew that would be the same reaction I would have the moment I saw Clayton, only times ten.
“I don’t know if Clayton ever told you, but I didn’t actually have the best relationship with my mother, or with my stepdad.”
“No.” I shook my head. “He’s never said anything.”
“My parents were never together, and when I was twelve, my real dad passed away. My mom is worthless, always has been really. She’s selfish and married an even more selfish man. Neither of them were ever supportive, but instead they were abusive.” My stomach felt almost like it bottomed out. “Emotional always, but toward the end it turned physical. Had it not been for Marcus and Elijah, I don’t know where I would be today. Clayton too, he was there for me during a really hard time in my life. You need to let him be there for you too. The guy adores you, Emelie,” she reached out and placed her hand on my forearm, “you and your son.
“I know.” I took in a deep breath, trying to fight off the tears. “I just needed time to think, but in the end my thoughts led me here.”
“So then let’s get you and this sweet little boy inside.”
I laughed, and it felt foreign. “A fraternity house isn’t the kind of place you take a two-year-old.”
Blake waved me off. “You’re fine, it’s Sunday. They’re all recovering from last night. Sundays are actually the most peaceful day in the house.”
She waited by my side as I gathered Ethan in my arms. He didn’t even blink an eye. Blake tossed his blanket over him as we started to walk toward the house to shelter him from the rain.
As we walked up the front steps, the door opened and Eli, Blake’s boyfriend, held it open wider for us. “Where’s Clay?” I noticed how Eli looked from Blake to me and then back to Blake again, answering her question. “I think he’s up in his room.”
“Hey Em,” Corbin stepped into the entryway from the kitchen, holding a sandwich so big it looked as if it could feed two people. “You looking for Clayton?”
“Yes.”
“Is this the little man we’ve heard about so many times?” Before I could answer Eli, he moved the blanket off Ethan. “Cute kid.” I smiled, feeling taken back by the acceptance of my son, acceptance by people who had just met him.
“Come on,” Corbin waved me in. “I’ll take ya up.”
One by one we climbed the stairs and still Ethan didn’t stir. When Corbin knocked on the door of Clay’s room there was no response. My stomach twisted as Corbin turned the knob and pushed open the door. The room was dark, but by the light from the hallway, I could see the lump beneath the blankets on his bed.
“Clayton,” his brother said around a mouth full of food, “get up. You have company.”
He didn’t wait with me, only nudged me inside and closed the door behind me. Suddenly I felt stupid for showing up as I stood in the center of his darkened room, unsure of what to do next.
“Em?”
I swallowed hard. I knew being near him would make it hard to hold myself together, and that was confirmed the instant I heard his voice call out for me. I turned around and hugged Ethan to my chest, almost like he could shelter me from the ache I’d felt inside.
“Babe,” he whispered through the darkness, sounding even more alert than before. Clayton wrapped me in his arms from behind and curled his body around my own. “I was worried about you.”
“I’m sorry.” I tried to breathe through the rush of emotions, but they were coming on too fast. “I should have called.”
“I’m glad you came instead,” he confessed. “I need to hold you.”
“Good, because I need to be held.” I rotated in his arms, leaned my head to his shoulder, and he held both me and Ethan in his arms. It was the first time since I arrived at my apartment that morning that I felt safe. Like maybe everything might be okay, as long as I had him. And Palmer, I needed Palmer for sure.
“Stay with me.” It was a plea and exactly what I needed. “I just want to hold you.”
“Good,” I whispered against his chest, “because I need to be held.”
***
I woke up before the sun had fully risen and did nothing more than watch both Ethan and Clayton sleep at my side. Ethan’s little body was backed up, pressed securely to Clayton’s chest. In turn, Clayton had his arm extended out, holding Ethan close. His other arm stretched out under the pillow, holding mine beneath my head. He hadn’t let go even once throughout the night. It was a solid connection, one I think we were both desperate to have.
There was something so pure and sweet about seeing him hold my son. He was so careful with him in everything he did, like his world did revolve around Ethan and me. I’d never felt more treasured than I was by Clayton.
“What’s on your mind, pretty girl?”
I looked up to find Clayton awake and watching me.
“I already know she told you about yesterday.” He kept his expression neutral and his loyalty to Palmer made me love him even more. “I’m not mad at her for telling you, because I know she only did it because she was worried and scared. Palmer would never intentionally hurt me.” Again, he kept his face void of confession. “I’m glad she told you, because I’m not sure I could have gotten through everything without breaking down.”
“We were both worried.” He finally confirmed what I already knew without actually saying the words. “Don’t let him change the amazing person you are, Emelie, the loving mother you are. He doesn’t deserve that power.”
I closed my eyes tightly as the burning in them began. I hated that I’d spent so many years, wasted so much time trying to make him accept me. “I just wish for one day he could look past the mistakes I’ve made and see me,” I whispered through the ache that was trying to make me crumble. “See the hard work and dedication I’ve put into school and my degree, but also see the mom I am.” I opened my eyes and looked directly at Ethan, his little hand wrapped around Clayton’s thumb tightly. �
�My father has judged me from the day I went home to tell them I was pregnant and hasn’t stopped since. They see Ethan as the mistake that ruined my life, not as my son or their grandchild. The saddest thing of all is I don’t really think they even care just how much their dismissal hurts me.”
Tears escaped and ran over my cheeks. “I just wanted them to see me, ya know.”
“I see you.” Clayton squeezed my hand he held in his beneath the pillow. “Through all the fire you threw at me, I knew you were amazing.”
His eyes burned with such devotion.
“I will always see you, babe, no matter what. I love you, Em.” The rawness I felt only intensified to such a height that it was impossible to hold it together a second longer. “I love you and Ethan so damn much that the idea of not having either of you in my life terrifies me.”
I closed my eyes tightly.
“I heard what you said to Palmer earlier on the phone.” My eyes shot open quickly. “I heard every word you shared, and the idea of you pushing me away almost brought me to my knees.”
I swallowed hard, remembering what I’d said.
“But I need you to know something.” Again he squeezed my hand, still refusing to pull his other hand out of Ethan’s grasp. “Even if you pushed me away I wouldn’t have left. Because I will never walk away from you, sweetheart. I meant what I said before. You and Ethan are my world, and that won’t change.”
“I said it first,” I said, and he grinned, knowing what I was referring to.
“You may have said it out loud, but I’ve been saying it for weeks over and over in my mind.”
“Doesn’t count,” I told him and he only smiled wider.
“It so counts, babe. It always counts when you realize you met the girl that is your game changer.”
