“Why, my rescuer and champion, of course,” she said, and pointed to the boy.
“Me?” said the boy.
“Him!” shouted Duke Geoffrey in surprise.
“He has rescued me from a terrible monster and has declared his intention to ask for my hand in marriage as his boon,” said the Princess.
“You?” said Duke Geoffrey to the boy. The idea was ridiculous. She was a princess of the realm, and he was—quite literally—no one.
“Yes, Your Grace,” said the boy. His voice cracked a little.
“Your father will never consent,” said Duke Geoffrey to the Princess.
“He must,” said the Princess. “To refuse my rescuer his reward would be a scandal.” She was a proper lady, so she patted her forehead with her handkerchief at the mere mention of scandal.
No matter how preposterous the suggestion was, she was right. It would be difficult for King Julian to refuse. “But he has nothing to his name,” said the Duke. “He doesn’t even have a name.”
“I am quite certain that my father can grant him a name to go with lands and titles,” said the Princess.
Duke Geoffrey took in a long breath. Nothing could be gained from arguing about this. “Yes, of course,” said the Duke through gritted teeth. “Refusal would be totally out of the question.” He studied the boy for a moment. The last time they’d met, he had taken the boy for a joke. That was his mistake. Now he saw what the boy really was: an obstacle to be eliminated. Duke Geoffrey smiled as broadly as he could force himself to. “But this is a joyous occasion,” he said. “We must celebrate with a feast in honor of the doubly happy news of rescue and wedding.”
“A feast?” said the boy, a little uncertainly.
“You will be my guests of honor,” said Duke Geoffrey. “You cannot refuse.”
“No,” said Princess Alice. “I don’t believe we can.”
“Excellent,” said Duke Geoffrey. He snapped his fingers at the Majordomo. “You will take care of matters.”
“Yes, Your Grace,” said the Majordomo.
“And after you have shown our guests to their quarters, return to me,” said Duke Geoffrey. “There are a few special arrangements to be discussed.”
“Yes, Your Grace.” The Majordomo bowed and smiled to show that he took Duke Geoffrey’s meaning. He was the perfect man to carry out the Duke’s latest scheme.
The Majordomo led the Princess, Just Alice, Mennofar and the boy into the keep and down a corridor. “Your Highness, I know you will all be a little dusty from the road. So we will draw hot baths for each of you,” said the Majordomo. “And I see that you and your, er, lady-in-waiting will need fresh dresses. We haven’t many ladies here in the castle, but I’m sure we will be able to find something for you to borrow. I must ask your forgiveness if it is not up to the latest fashions, Your Highness.” He smiled unctuously.
The Princess smiled back. “Think nothing of it. I most certainly understand,” she said. After a pause, she added, “Given how far we are from the royal court.”
The Majordomo clenched his teeth. “Just as you say, Your Highness.”
The boy walked a few steps behind them and wondered if he was really supposed to marry the Princess. A hero from The Tales would jump at the chance to marry a princess, if he wasn’t a prince himself. Of course, the boy didn’t know what he was, so he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Still, he knew better than to contradict the Princess. A story, once told, must be stuck to no matter what. That rule the boy had learned early on in Casimir’s house, even if it was not one of the Ninety-Nine Duties.
The Majordomo stopped at a set of doors and called back, “Ladies, your baths await.” The Princess and Just Alice were admitted by a chambermaid. The Majordomo led Mennofar and the boy to a second set of doors. “You two can freshen up in here,” he said.
Before he could leave, the boy stopped him. “Sir, I was wondering if you could help me, too.”
The Majordomo tilted his head back so he could look all the way down his nose at the boy. “With what?”
“This is all I have to wear,” said the boy. “And it’s not really the proper sort of thing for a feast. Do you think I could borrow something, too? Even just a shirt?”
“Oh, I see, yes,” said the Majordomo. “Well, don’t you worry about that.” He patted the boy awkwardly on the head. Then he made a show of dusting his hands off. “I’m sure we’ll be able to arrange something appropriate for you.” Before anything more could be said, he hustled Mennofar and the boy into the room and slammed the door after them.
In the room was a round wooden tub of water, with fresh towels and a large cake of soap set out beside it. Thin trails of steam rose off of the water.
“A hot bath,” said Mennofar. “What could be more civilized?”
“I wouldn’t know,” said the boy. He had never taken a bath before.
“None of that, now.” They turned to see a large iron-haired woman with her sleeves rolled up. She had a wicked scrub brush in one hand. “His Grace wants you clean as a whistle,” she said. “Now, skin out of them clothes.”
“What?” said the boy.
“Don’t make a fuss, now,” she said. “I’ve nine sons and twenty-five grandsons. You’ve nothing I ain’t seen before.” The boy barely had time to undress before she hoisted him in the air and tipped him headfirst into the tub. She might have been a grandmother, but she had the strength of a blacksmith. She scrubbed him so hard he thought his skin was going to come off, and shoved him under the water when he protested. She did slow down and proceed gingerly when she came to his bad arm. Otherwise, she scoured him viciously.
Mennofar cackled with laughter. At least, he did until the old woman, finally satisfied with how clean the boy was, released him and grabbed Mennofar. Mennofar cried out, “Madam, I must pro—” Then he was underwater.
The boy wrapped one of the towels around his waist and watched as Mennofar was put through the same torture he had endured. “You’ll need another three vows to escape her,” he said.
Mennofar choked out, “I fail to see”—dunk—“the humor in”—dunk—“these proceedings!” Dunk.
“Oh, this green do stick, don’t it?” said the old woman. “Just what did you get into, you naughty little boy?” When she finally decided that no amount of vigorous scrubbing was going to take the green off the goblin, she gave up and let him go.
Mennofar leapt from the tub, wrapped a towel around himself like a toga and said, “Woman, I am over six hundred years old, and in all of my six centuries, never—never, I say—have I been visited upon by such shocking indignities.” He raised his tiny fist and waved it at her.
“Oh, you look just like a wee angry man,” said the old woman. “Aren’t you the cutest little thing?” She bent down and plastered a wet kiss on top of his head.
Mennofar spluttered in rage but could not manage to get out anything coherent.
The old woman turned back to the boy and said, “Let’s have a go at that hair, then.” She planted the boy on a bench and went to work. It was the first time in his life his hair had ever been brushed. When he had been a slave in Casimir’s house, the boy’s hair had been kept close to the scalp. But since his escape, it had grown into a wild tangle of curls. Now the boy paid dearly for it. The old woman was not to be denied. She laid into his hair with a brush until it was completely untangled, beat the curls into enough of a semblance of submission that she could part his hair right down the middle and stepped back to survey her work. Wetting her thumb in her mouth, she damped down one remaining errant curl. When it met her approval, she said, “That’s just how them fancy lads at court wears it.” This had not been true for at least a quarter of a century.
“And what about the young miss?” said the lady’s maid.
Just Alice snapped awake. The hot bath had left her feeling warm and drowsy. She must have dozed off while the lady’s maid fixed the Princess’s hair.
The lady’s maid thumped the empty seat i
n front of a large vanity. The vanity was heavily laden with combs and brushes and scissors and odd devices that had to be used to curl hair. There were all sorts of creams and powders, each in its own little pot. “Would the young miss like me to do up her hair?”
“Yes, of course,” she said. She jumped up and took the empty seat in front of the mirror.
The lady’s maid studied Just Alice’s hair and frowned a little. She rubbed a lock between her fingers to feel how thick it was. “And how does the young miss like to wear it?”
“Well, I brush it every morning,” said Just Alice, though this did not seem like a particularly helpful comment.
“But for special occasions?” said the Princess. “For court dances and formal dinners?”
“Um,” said Just Alice. She had never been to a court dance or a formal dinner. “Er…” She fumbled for the name of even one hairstyle.
“Perhaps the young miss would like some ideas for something new to try?”
“Yes!” Just Alice grabbed onto the suggestion. “Something new for once.” She waved her hand to dismiss all the tired old hairstyles she had never actually worn. She disliked not knowing things.
The lady’s maid studied her head for another moment. “Perhaps a crown braid?”
The Princess exploded. “A crown braid! Have you lost your mind?”
The lady’s maid started in surprise. “But, Your Highness,” she said, “what is wrong with—”
“Is it not enough that circumstances compel me to attend this feast without my crown?” spat the Princess, advancing on the lady’s maid. “Now you want to call attention to that fact by braiding my companion’s hair into the shape of the very thing I am denied?”
“I’m sorry, Your Highness,” said the lady’s maid, taking a step back. “I didn’t think—”
“Get out!” screamed the Princess. “Now!” Her wrath was terrifying to behold, and the lady’s maid fled the room in tears. When it was clear that the maid was not coming back, the Princess’s anger vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. She gently shut the door and took the lady’s maid’s spot behind Just Alice. “I’ll do your hair while—”
Just Alice turned to face the Princess. “You can’t treat people like that!” she said.
The Princess stared at Just Alice in surprise. “Like what?”
“First you bully the boy into agreeing to marry you, and then you terrorize that poor girl when she was just trying to do her job,” said Just Alice.
“Who?” said the Princess. She glanced back at the door. “Oh, her. She’ll be fine. I just needed to speak to you without any spies lurking around.”
“She’s a lady’s maid,” said Just Alice. “Not a spy.” But as soon as she said it aloud, she realized that if the Duke wanted to spy on them, a lady’s maid was exactly who he’d send.
“And I was only pretending about the marriage,” said the Princess.
“Were you really?” asked Just Alice. The news lightened her heart, which was strange. There was no reason it should matter to her. “Why?”
“We are all in grave danger,” said the Princess. “Geoffrey is fighting with my father over whether I will inherit the throne or he will.” She turned Just Alice back around to face the mirror and began to plait her hair. “When I saw that Geoffrey was going to ask for my hand, I had to invent an obstacle that even he could not overcome. So I pretended I was already bound to marry my rescuer.”
“That’s pretty clever, really,” said Just Alice.
“I got the idea from Geoffrey’s sister,” said the Princess. “She was rescued from an ogre by some knight. He demanded her hand in marriage. She didn’t like him at all, but she had to do it anyway.”
“Poor girl,” said Just Alice.
“I’m sure Geoffrey wanted to rescue me himself so he could do the same thing,” said the Princess. “I saw it as soon as he asked about my marriage prospects.”
“How can you catch all that and still have no idea what a slave is?” said Just Alice.
“How can you know what reification is and still miss all that?” said the Princess.
It was a fair point, but Just Alice was not about to admit it. She crossed her arms and leveled her nastiest glare at the Princess.
The Princess looked at Just Alice forlornly. “I wish I could scowl like that,” she said. “People would take me so much more seriously.”
Just Alice tried mightily to keep glowering, but the tiniest snort of a laugh escaped her. In response, the Princess giggled a little. It was only a little, but it was enough. They both collapsed in a fit of laughter that left them gasping for breath and wiping the tears from their eyes.
When the Princess regained a little of her composure, she looked at Just Alice’s reflection in the mirror. “You know, with the shape of your face, a crown braid really would be just the thing,” she said.
Just Alice clapped her hands over her mouth to keep herself from laughing again. “You can’t!” she said through a barely contained chortle. “Not after what you put that poor girl through.”
The Princess fought back against her own giggles. It was a mighty struggle, but in the end, she won. “You’re right, of course,” she said with forced calm. She began pinning Just Alice’s plaits up into a bun. “We need to be serious. And we need the boy to play along, just till we leave in the morning.”
“I’ll explain it to him,” said Just Alice.
“You have to warn him, too,” said the Princess. “Duke Geoffrey is going to do everything he can to make trouble between now and tomorrow morning.”
“Get up, boy. Get up. We need to get going,” said the Majordomo, shaking him awake.
The boy pulled back the towel that Mennofar had draped over him like a blanket. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. “How long was I asleep?” he asked.
“Oh, a few hours,” said Mennofar. His raiment had transformed itself into a black tailcoat, white bow tie and starched white shirt.
“Let’s go. Let’s go,” chivvied the Majordomo.
“I need to get dressed,” said the boy. All he had on was the towel wrapped around his middle.
The Majordomo glanced about the room. “Arrangements were made. Arrangements were made. Why has nothing been delivered?” He put his head out the door. “Nurse!”
The old woman came in another door. Under her arm was a package wrapped in paper and tied up in string. “It’s here,” she said. “Came just now.”
“At last,” said the Majordomo. He seized the package from her and shoved it into the boy’s arms.
“Thank you,” said the boy. He unwrapped the package. It contained the same tatty pair of trousers that he had been wearing for months. He looked up at the Majordomo.
“We had them cleaned and pressed,” said the Majordomo, evidently quite pleased with his handiwork. “Good as new.”
They were not.
“These here are the Duke’s guests,” said the old woman. “You can’t send the lad to a feast wearing that, you toffee-headed fool. It’d be a black mark on the Duke’s hospitality.”
“Mind your tongue, you old bat,” said the Majordomo. “I can have you turned out of this castle in a heartbeat.”
“Just you go and try,” said the old woman. “You’ll find out who the Duke loves more, you or his old nurse.” She crossed her arms and glared at the Majordomo.
The Majordomo pursed his lips but said nothing.
“What I thought,” said the old woman. “Now, go and borrow the boy something decent to wear.”
“As it happens, madam,” said the Majordomo, “I personally investigated that possibility. Unfortunately, no one has anything more suitable to lend him.”
“In a castle with hundreds of men and boys?” she said.
“Yes,” said the Majordomo through clenched teeth.
She stared at him for a long moment, but this time, he met her gaze. “Bring shame on the Duke’s name for a generation to come,” she muttered as she turned and left.
The
Majordomo turned back to the boy and clapped his hands lightly. “Now, let’s get dressed. We cannot keep the feast waiting,” he said.
The boy looked down at the trousers. All the guests at the feast would be dressed in their finest, and he would have to wear these rags. “The Duke probably wants to visit with his cousin,” he said. “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”
“Not go? Not go!” said the Majordomo. “You are the guest of honor. To refuse to go would be a grievous insult to the Duke.”
The boy looked to Mennofar. Mennofar shook his head.
The boy sighed and got dressed.
The Majordomo led the two of them back to the suite where they had left Just Alice and the Princess. He knocked on the door and said, “Ladies?”
The door opened. Steam wafted out, carrying the smell of lavender and fresh soap. Just Alice emerged, followed by the Princess. They were completely transformed. Gone were their torn and filthy dresses. Instead, they wore beautiful silk gowns. And their hair had been done up in complicated arrangements involving combs and pins and ribbons and flowers and such.
The boy gawped at them. “You look beautiful,” he said.
“You don’t have to act so surprised,” said Just Alice, but then she smiled a little.
“Why are you wearing that?” said the Princess. “You are to be my fiancé.”
“I’m sorry,” said the boy.
“What are you apologizing for?” said the Princess. Rounding on the Majordomo, she said, “This is an insult.”
“Madam, I fear you overlook the fact that you are a guest,” said the Majordomo. “Do not forget that your place is—”
“At the right hand of my father, His Majesty, the King,” said the Princess. “Might it not be that you are the one who has forgotten his place?”
Not all bullies are cowards, but the Majordomo was. “Yes, Your Highness. Very sorry, Your Highness. Great stain on the Duke’s honor, just as you said,” he groveled. Then he bounded ahead to escape the conversation.
The Goblin's Puzzle Page 13
