As I head into the back room to grab my coat and bag I see that my hand is shaking. I’m so nervous, it’s probably a good thing that Ben isn’t here tonight. He had some big business meeting which I’m so grateful for. There’s no way I’d be able to deal with all of this with him here. It’d be too much.
Oh God, Ben... how will he take the news?
I shake my head, refusing to get stuck on that thought until I know for sure. There’s just no way I can get lost down that rabbit hole of thought until I’ve seen that positive pregnancy test. All of this worry could be for nothing. There’s a big chance that I’m just sick, that it’s nothing more.
But somehow, I feel like I know...
“Bye, Tia,” I gush as I leave. She’s on the phone, probably calling Brian. I hope he comes in, I don’t want her to be left by herself, but right now this isn’t my top priority. Right now, I need to get to the nearest late night drug store.
I race through the busy streets, refusing to look at anyone as I go. I’m sure there’s a place on the corner that I might be able to get something from. My mind is on the prize, I can’t even consider anything else. My heart is racing, my stomach is churning, there’s an aching in my womb which right now feels suspiciously like a baby. Not that I know what it feels like to have a baby inside me of course. I’ve never been in this position before.
Oh thank God. The store is open so I rush inside. I head straight for the family planning aisle where I grab a handful of pregnancy tests. I know myself well enough to know that one won’t be enough. I won’t trust it if it does turn out positive. I need to be on the safe side. My eyes flick up to the sweaty, spotty teenage boy behind the counter and wonder how much he’s going to judge me. He probably sees things like this all the time, but not from me... maybe I should grab a few extra things, just so I don’t look like I’m just here for this.
Oh screw it, I am only here for this.
I decide to forgo embarrassment and to just go for it. Who the hell cares what this kid thinks of me? It isn’t like I’m going to see him ever again, I certainly don’t intend to make a habit of this. If the test turns out negative then I will always insist on protection. I won’t get into this pickle again, if I intend to get pregnant, that’s the only moment I will have sex with nothing.
“Here,” I grumble, chucking the boxes on the counter. “Can I get these?”
The boy doesn’t even look at me, much to my relief. He rings the items up and gives me the price. He must be more used to this than I thought. Maybe I’m the least interesting desperate pregnant lady that he’s ever come across. If that’s the case, then I’m actually glad to be boring.
With my paper bag of shame clutched to my chest, I break free from the drug store and I jump into a cab. Usually I would walk or get Ben to call me a car to get to his home, but I need to get back quickly and discretely. It’s worth the money for the cab so I can do these tests in the privacy of Ben’s bathroom... God, this situation is fucked up.
I shake my knees nervously all the drive along. The guy driving the cab probably thinks I’m a real weirdo. I don’t care though, I feel weird myself. It’s almost like I’m having an out of body experience, like I’m looking down at myself wondering how I managed to get myself in such a total mess.
Once I arrive at Ben’s, I leap out of the car and hand the driver the cash to pay for the ride. Then I race to the front door and I push my way inside. I pause for a second, listening out for any signs that anyone else is in but there’s a silence ringing through the house that suggests I’m alone. Thank goodness.
As I run to the bathroom I pull my cell phone out and I call the only person in the world that I want to discuss this with. I haven’t told her anything yet, I haven’t managed to speak to her since Ben finally said the L word to me, so this will come as a surprise, but I still want to chat with her.
I just hope that she answers.
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
“Hello? Serena, everything okay? Why are you ringing me so late?”
“Shit.” I look at the clock, it’s just gone one in the morning, Jenny was probably asleep. “Sorry, I didn’t look at the time.”
“It’s okay, I wasn’t quite in bed yet, I’ve just finished performing. What’s going on with you? You sound all... panicked.”
I lock myself in the bathroom, then I whisper my next words. “I think I might be pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” she screams on the other end. It’s a good job Ben isn’t it. Even if he didn’t hear me, he would have heard that wherever he is in the house. “You’re pregnant? But how? I didn’t even know you were dating anyone? What happened?”
“I... I am dating someone. Sort of.” God this is hard to explain. How do I say it aloud? “There’s a guy who I met at the club, on my first night of work actually.”
“Ooh, a rich guy.” Of course Jenny’s impressed with that bit. I know Ben has a lot of money but I guess I don’t really see him that way. He’s just Ben to me, I would like him whatever his bank statement was. “Nice!”
“Well I moved in with him when you left...”
“Wait, what?” Jenny sounds much less pleased now. “You moved in with him? But you must have known him for less than a week.”
“I know, it’s a bit weird, but it’s good. Really good.” I smile to myself. “We’re in love now. I love him.”
Jenny pauses for a second and I brace myself for the lecture that I’m already sure is coming. “Serena, I don’t know if I like this. It sounds a bit... crazy to me.”
“I know, but...” I try to interject, but Jenny isn’t about to let me get my words in.
“Serena, I think you have a bit of a dreamy nature.” She means naïve, I just know it. “And I think that might make you fall a bit too fast. You can’t have known one another more than, what, two months now? In total. And you love each other? Do you even know this guy? What if he’s one of those that falls fast then gets bored?”
There it is, my big fear back to torment me some more. I’m boring, much too boring for a man like Ben. My heart sinks as Jenny says this to me. Her opinion means way more to me than that of some chick that I don’t even know. Marie had an agenda. Jenny only cares about my well being.
“Oh God, and now you’re pregnant.”
“Right.” The purpose of this phone call comes flooding back. “Yes, I mean I don’t know. But maybe. I have all these tests and, well I wanted to speak to you as I took them so I’m not alone. If you weren’t out on the ocean somewhere you would be doing this with me anyway, right?”
“Er, yeah sure.” She really doesn’t sound happy. Maybe this phone call was a bad idea. I don’t want to be dragged further down into this pit of terror. “I’m glad I can be here for you. How many tests did you buy?”
“You know me too well.” I count them all. “I have seven.”
“Well that’s a bit extreme, but let’s do this.”
“Hold on.” I open one of the boxes and pull out the endless stream of paper inside. “I just have to read the instructions first,”
“You don’t. Don’t bother reading it, just get out some of the tests, pee on the end. If there’s a plus sign, there’s a baby in you.”
“Sounds so simple,” I say weakly. “Pee on it, your life might be changed forever. Awesome.”
“Don’t panic so much. Just do it.”
“I’ll put the phone outside the door, I’m sure you don’t want to hear me peeing. Just.. don’t hang up okay? I need you.”
With Jenny’s promise to wait for me I do as she said. I take three of the tests, leaving some for another try if I think I need it, and I sit on the toilet. My heart races as pee flows from my body. This is terrifying, I don’t know what the outcome is going to be, and I don’t know how I feel about it either. I mean, can I even see myself with a baby in my arms? Ben’s baby at that?
A smile spread across my cheeks, almost as if I can’t help it. That image in my brain, it isn’t as bad as I thought
it might be after all...
Chapter Nineteen – Ben
I’m fucking pissed off. Furious, actually. That was the worst meeting with my accountant that I’ve ever had. I can see now that putting it off all day long and turning it into a late night meeting with drinks and dinner was a terrible idea. I cannot go to sleep with all that bad news circling my brain.
Things are going downhill. We’re losing clients and money rapidly and I know what the reason is. It’s me, I’m the key to the success of the company. Without me, everything falls apart. I’ve been delegating to others because I’ve been distracted with everything Serena, and if I carry on down this route I’m going to lose everything. I need to tell her, once she gets home from work at the bar tonight I need to sit her down and tell her that I cannot spend so much time with her, I can’t keep getting distracted. We need to take a step back from one another and start focusing on our lives around one another.
I’m starting to think now that things have been moving too fast after all. All this racing to move in together, all this rush to say I love you.... it’s crazy. I can’t believe I’ve gotten so out of control. I’ve allowed myself to get sucked in by the romance of it all, the heady excitement of brand new romance. I’ve acted foolish and now it’s time to get back to what’s important. I need to keep my company on track because that’s been my life for far too long. Serena has gotten under my skin, even more so than Ally did, and now I need to step away from that.
I won’t make her move out, I know she still needs somewhere to stay, but she needs to leave my bedroom, then we can live more separate lives for a while. We just need to take things slower.
As I push the door to my home open, I can see all the lights already on. Someone’s already here, and it has to be Serena. She must have left work early for some reason. Good, the sooner I can get this all out the better.
“Serena?” I yell angrily, slamming the door behind me. “Serena, are you here?”
“Coming.” Her tone is jovial and sweet which makes me feel terrible for the fact that I’m about to shatter it, but I have to do this for the good of my work. “Hold on.”
She floats down the stairs in a nightdress and a lovely smile on her face. Her flushed cheeks and bright sparkly eyes are already getting to me. I can feel my resolve weakening.
“Hi, Ben.” She pulls herself up towards me and presses a kiss on my lips. “I’m glad you’re home. I have something that I need to speak to you about actually.”
“Oh right. Yeah, me too.” I follow her into the living room with my head spinning. Maybe I should just let her get her stuff out first because once I start speaking I have no idea what direction things will take.
We both sit down, her on the couch and me on the chair, and we stare at each other. I don’t know what’s going on behind her eyes, there’s something a bit manic in her expression. It’s so much that I actually forget about my thing for a moment.
“What’s going on, Serena?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she admits coyly. “I know it’s a bit of a weird one but I just need to get it out.” As she takes in a deep breath my heart constricts. I panic about what she’s going to say. “I haven’t been feeling great recently, so I decided to check just in case. I brought a test, and well... I...” She pulls out something from her pocket, five things actually, and she flashes them at me as if I’m supposed to know what that means.
“What are you showing me?” I ask breathlessly. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s a pregnancy test. Well, a few actually, it seems that we’re having a baby!”
The world falls out from underneath me. I feel my head spinning and my butt sliding off the seat. This is utterly insane, the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me. One minute I’m planning to tell Serena that we need to take time apart from one another and the next minute she’s ripping the rug out from underneath my feet. How can I focus on the business? How can I make things better if I’m a father? It’s just not possible.
“Are you sure?” I hear myself rasp. As I look at her she’s blurry, fear has me semi blind.
She points to the tests. “Yeah, pretty sure, I had to take a few tests to be certain, but yeah I’m definitely pregnant. We’re having a baby, which I suppose makes sense because we weren’t always careful.”
She’s right. We didn’t always use protection, with Serena I haven’t been as careful as I always am with everyone else, but I didn’t think this was going to happen. If I did then I wouldn’t have acted so rashly.
“This is too soon.” I shake my head rapidly from side to side. “We can’t do this.”
“What are you saying?” Serena sounds hurt like she actually expected me to react differently to this news. “What do you mean, Ben? Did you hear what I said? We’re having a baby.”
“Don’t keep saying it,” I insist as I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t remind me. This is... it’s horrible. This has got to be the worst news ever.”
Serena stands up now and the flush on her cheeks is so clearly from anger. “This is a baby. How the hell can you say it’s the worst news ever?” Her eyes fill with tears, but I don’t feel anything for her. I’m not empathetic or sympathetic. I’m nothing. I’m numb, separate. This is nothing to do with me. “Are you serious?”
“Serena, we barely know each other.” I push myself into a standing position too, then I can’t stand still, my itchy feet need to move so I pace up and down. “I don’t know you, you don’t know me... we can’t have a baby together this is too much.”
“I was shocked at first,” she tries kindly. “But now I’m really happy about it. I just keep thinking that while everything that’s happened between us has been a bit crazy and unexpected, it’s all worked out well in the end. Maybe it’s fast for other people but for us it seems right. We can do this, we can be together, we can have this baby...” She grabs onto my hands and stares deeply into my eyes. “Together, it’ll be perfect.”
For a moment, I lose myself in the picture she’s presenting to me. I allow myself to see what she sees. Me and her with a little bundle of joy that will bring us everything that we’ve ever wanted. It’s a nice image, but it’s idealistic, and I can’t cave to that.
“No.” I snatch my hands away. “No, Serena, I can’t do that. My business, it’s struggling without me. I need to give it more focus. I came here tonight to tell you that I need to take a step back from us so I can focus on work more. I can’t keep doing this.” I wave my hands above my head, in a frustrated manner. “Then you come at me with this. It’s almost like you’ve done it on purpose.”
“On purpose? You think I got pregnant on purpose?” Now she’s really mad. “Look, this isn’t what I was expecting either, but we’re both equally responsible.” She steps back from me and runs her eyes up and down me like she no longer likes what she sees. “I cannot believe you’re pushing me away. No wonder you can’t ever make a relationship last.”
“This isn’t a relationship.” The fire burns brightly in me now, everything that I’m angry about floats to the surface. “This is just two people playing house until something better comes along.”
Maybe I don’t quite mean that as it sounds, but that’s how it comes out anyway. Serena moves away from me like I’ve slapped her in the face. “Well I’m sorry that I’m not the something better you want. I’m sorry that me and my baby are an inconvenience to you. Well don’t worry, you don’t have to play house with me anymore.”
She turns on her heels and races back up the stairs, I can hear her thundering footsteps. My breaths fall raggedly out of my mouth, my head spins as the emotions drain from me. I know I should probably go and speak to Serena, to try and make things right, but for now I just want her to go. I don’t want to resolve things because I don’t want her around anymore.
I slump backwards onto the couch and slide my eyes closed. Images of babies and baby clothing, mess and bottles, crying ad late nights, dirty diapers and illness... they all fill my m
ind and make me feel sick. How can I have it all? I can’t be a father with someone who, quite frankly, I hardly know. I can’t be responsible for human life and run my business all at once. This isn’t the right time.
With a weary sigh I push myself up. I don’t want to see Serena again, at least for the time being, but I do need to make sure this issue is resolved before she leaves. I hang about at the bottom of the stairs just waiting for her to come back down. I know she won’t wait up there forever, she’s leaving, she has too much pride to stay.
Eventually, with a thick coat on her and jeans donning her legs now, she moves back down the stairs. She’s carrying a heavy suitcase, one I should probably offer to take from her, but I don’t. I wait with my hand stuffed into my pockets.
“Look, Serena. I think we need to be smart about this,” I say quietly. “I think we need to think about our options here. How about tomorrow morning I book you an appointment at one of those clinics? I’ll pay for it of course, like you said we’re equally responsible.”
Unprepared Daddy Page 12
