by Sarah Fine
This is rather exciting for me in a few different ways. I am eager to patrol again, to begin to kill the Mazikin before they have much chance to spread. But I am also eager to meet Lela’s foster mother, and to show Lela that I am serious about courting her.
I must go now. A terrible yet familiar racket is coming up from the basement of this house, and I suspect Michael has arrived to arm us.
Day 8
Things have changed yet again.
Lela and I patrolled last night. We caught no sign of Mazikin, but we were set upon by two young men who wanted to rob us. One of them had a gun, and the feeling of it against my back aroused such intense anger in me that if it weren’t for Lela, I think I might have killed them both.
I disappointed her. Well, she says I scared her, but to me it is the same thing. I made a mistake. I could have gotten myself, and worse, her, in trouble. I wanted to talk to her about it. More than that, I wanted her to kiss me and wrap herself around me and make me forget what I had done and felt toward those boys, just for a moment. But when we arrived here at the Guard house, we discovered a surprise.
Two more Guards have been assigned to this unit. The elder, Henry, is from the Wasteland. He is quiet and hollow-eyed, but I think he is very serious about the mission. The other, Jim, who looks Lela’s age (I suppose I look that age, too), appears very un-serious. I heard him sneak out of the house last night, and I have no idea where he went, but he has not returned yet. Something tells me he is not patrolling.
Lela will be picking me up for school soon. Again, I cannot wait to see her face, to learn what it can tell me about her mood, what she thinks of all of this. She was sharp and focused last night as she discussed strategy with all of us, but I could tell she felt unsure of herself. I had no idea how to support her apart from taking her orders, because we are not alone anymore, and I will not embarrass her or undermine her by expecting special treatment. I will follow her lead in this, and I will not let her down again.
Day 9
Another eventful night. Where to begin.
We suspected the Mazikin might be possessing people who are living on the streets, people without homes. We patrolled in an area where more Mazikin have been filmed.
Lela chose to patrol with Jim instead of with me or Henry, but with good reason. When I returned home from school yesterday, he was here, but he had ingested a large quantity of alcohol and made himself sick and intoxicated. Henry helped me deal with him, and seemed as annoyed as I was, but perhaps not as angry.
“You will disappoint the Captain,” I told Jim as I dunked his head in the shower, trying to bring him back to his senses. He had just vomited all over our bathroom, including in the bathtub.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Jim said. “Definitely won’t be the last, either.”
I wanted to slam his head against the wall. “Watch yourself. The mission here is critical, and our Captain needs our help.”
“Oh, I’ll help her.” This came with a leering, lewd sort of look that brought my rage to the surface, but before I acted thoughtlessly, Henry intervened.
“He’s drunk and stupid, Malachi,” Henry said. He has a flat, loose sort of accent. Very different than Philip’s was, but still very American. “Let me take him for a while. You can get more towels. And maybe some bleach or something.” The place reeked of alcohol and vomit.
By the time Lela came to pick us up, we had Jim presentable. But Lela has a canny way of reading me sometimes, and I suspect my loathing of Jim made Lela choose to patrol with him simply out of a desire to keep us apart and to keep an eye on him. This left me with Henry. It was a quiet evening and we saw no Mazikin—but Lela and Jim did, and Jim’s rash actions nearly got Lela arrested. The first I heard of it was a terse text message to my portable telephone (this is properly called a “cell phone” or sometimes just a “cell”).
Jim had been insubordinate. But when we tried to talk to him about it, he jumped out of the car and fled. We spent hours searching for him. Lela was terribly upset, I think, but trying to maintain her composure, and she did a fine job of it considering the circumstances. Jim has still not returned, and part of me hopes he won’t. If he does, though, he and I will have a talk. He put Lela’s life in unnecessary danger last night. That is inexcusable.
It is Saturday, so Lela and I will not go to school. Instead, we are going to “volunteer” at a local shelter where people who are homeless can go to get free food. I think this is a rather nice thing, but we will mostly be there because it is near the area where the Mazikin were sighted, and we wonder if the nest is in the area. It is a good plan, and I cannot help but be proud of Lela for taking the opportunity offered by Tegan, despite her distaste for the girl. Really, they could not be more different, and I can tell Lela is put off by the girl’s wealth and privilege. Lela is not from that social class, and she is not comfortable with Nadia’s friends, though they seem to be trying to reach out to her. But then again, Lela has been hurt, and I think she isn’t comfortable with many people, and sometimes isn’t comfortable in her own skin.
I wish she could see what I see.
I can hear from the clatter in the kitchen that Henry is awake. Perhaps he’ll be interested in training with me. But first maybe I should teach him how to use the microwave.
Lela is due to come over in a few hours. And again, I can’t wait to see her, to touch her, to know what she is thinking about today. I believe Henry senses how I feel about her, but he also seems to be a discreet man who is able to keep his opinions to himself. The only thing he has said was late last night, when we got home from searching for Jim.
“Seems like you know the Captain pretty well.”
“Well enough,” I said.
His brownish-gray eyes seemed to see more than I wanted them to. “Seems personal between you two.”
My guard immediately went up. “She is the Captain and I follow her orders.”
“She’s also a beautiful girl with a spitfire attitude. Must be hard to keep your thoughts where they belong. All I’m saying. No judgment here.” He walked up the stairs to his room, like he knew I wouldn’t—couldn’t—argue.
Because he was right.
Day 9 [2ndentry]
I killed a boy today. A few hours ago. I thought he was a Mazikin, and he was chasing Lela, and all I could think was that I would not allow his dirty fingernails to tear her skin. It seemed so simple in that moment. So clear. I saw her face, wide-eyed and scared. I saw him, skinny and filthy and reaching for her.
I buried two knives in his chest. I killed a second Mazikin as it charged down the stairs. I got Lela out of there, and Henry drove the car. I was so angry with her for putting herself in that kind of danger, and so relieved to have her alive and close, and then she made me understand the truth.
The person I killed was a boy she was trying to rescue. An innocent boy captured by the Mazikin. An innocent boy. Innocent.
And with distance, of course I can see it, how scared he was. It was not the eager, greedy look of a Mazikin as it reaches for its victim—it was the desperate, terrified look of a boy reaching for his savior. If I had been thinking, if I had paid attention, I would have seen that.
But because Lela was between us, because I thought she was in danger, I didn’t think. I just killed.
It made me realize how warped my thinking has become. Though I should have seen it long before now. Ana called me out on it days ago, when she was still with me, and I ignored her. I was blinded by Lela, lost in her, and now a boy has died because of it.
So I made a decision: there can be nothing between me and Lela. Whatever love and affection I have felt for her, I am going to crush it, burn it, forget it. She doesn’t understand yet. She tried to argue with me. But she’s not the one who killed a CHILD. She does not have to live with that on her conscience forever.
I hurt her. I hurt her, and that is unforgivable, too, and the look on her face as I told her I didn’t love her made me want to fall to my knees and wrap
my arms around her waist and press my face to her body and beg, beg for her to forgive
She will come around. She is the Captain of the Guard, and I will be professional, and she will be professional, and things will work much better.
Day 10
Last night I dreamed that I stopped myself. I saw the look on the boy’s face, and I helped him and Lela out of the nest, and then we burned it down. And then Lela looked at me, her face practically glowing, her amber eyes undoing me, and she
I’m fine. I’ve trained for a few hours. I’ve examined maps of the area where the Mazikin nest was—the creatures have cleared out and burned it down themselves, but they’ll need another place to stay. The Captain is coming by shortly to take us on patrol. Jim seems ready to do his duty. Henry is steady. This is good. We are a unit. We have a mission. I will devote everything I have to seeing it through.
Day 11
Every time I close my eyes I see him, and her, and the way they looked as I destroyed their hearts, one with blades, one with words.
We got home from patrol late last night. All was quiet. We followed our orders. I think the Captain was satisfied. I trained for a few more hours once we got home. I will be faster and stronger the next time I find a Mazikin.
I have asked Henry to drive me to school. I think it will be less painfulawkward that way.
Day 11 [2ndentry]
The Mazikin possessed a classmate of mine named Aden Matthews. I knew this boy; he was among the friends of Nadia that Lelathe Captain and I sit with at lunch. We suspect it was Ibram who took the boy’s body and, using the boy’s memories, realized that the Captain and I are here. He called her from the roof of the school, where he taunted her, then promptly jumped, committing suicide in front of at least a hundred of our fellow students.
The Captain was self-possessed and commanding during this incident and in the hours since. She gave us clear orders and we followed them. Now she has come up with a plan to infiltrate one of the camps where homeless people congregate, as they appear to be targets of the Mazikin.
I have just been with her, preparing her to face this challenge. We sparred, and for the first time, she bested me. She caught me by surprise, and used her quickness, her explosive power, her ability to keep moving and not freeze up when under threat. She is such a fighter. So fierce.
She was like an avenging goddess, and I wanted her to devour me. And then she dropped her blades and put her hands on me, and it was all I could do not to give in. I wanted to roll her over and crush her to the floor and kiss her hard enough to make her forget everything I have done
We remained professional. I believe she is ready. I am glad to see her fighting so well. It means I do not have to worry about the Captain’s safety, which means I can focus on doing my job.
I do think she needs a pair of gloves, though. Her fingers get so cold, and she needs full mobility in them to handle her knives. I will acquire a pair for her and have Henry take them to her.
Day 12
Jim and I have just returned from last night’s patrol. Henry called us to tell us the Captain had been injured, but that she expected us to stay in the field. I assumed the wound was not severe.
I was wrong. Mazikin attacked the camp where she and Henry had settled for the night. Henry described a scene of chaos. The Captain dived in front of one of Henry’s bolts, and it pierced her straight through. Her arm was also broken.
She could have died, and I would have been far away, unable to help her or hold her or
Henry reports that the Captain was protecting a Mazikin, that she blocked his arrow to save the Mazikin’s life. He described the creature as female, lean, medium height, and wild, curly black hair. Henry is furious. I believe most of his rage comes from the fact that he nearly killed our Captain, but he insists that his fury is because she was protecting our enemy, and he wants an explanation.
I want one, too. I have a terrible suspicion, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions.
Day 13
Yesterday, I was intentionally cruel. At the time, I thought it necessary and right. I felt righteous in my callousness. LelaThe Captain was stubborn and defiant when I demanded to know why she’d dived in front of Henry’s bolt. She refused to discuss it. And then she brought up the social implications of my decision to end our personal relationship, and it felt like she was strangling me I couldn’t breatheit irritated me. I have no time for this petty drama.
And so, to punish her for making me deal with her at this level, I was friendly with another girl, Laney, at our lunch table. I wasn’t thinking. The girl is pretty and soft and silly. It was stupid. Savage. I owe Lelathe Captain an apology.
But then I got home, and Henry and Jim and I waited for our Captain, expecting an explanation for her behavior last night. When she came in she looked so tired, so hunted, that I wanted toShe was defensive at first. She refused to answer Henry’s questions. But the more he asked, the more I realized that my suspicion had to be correct. I asked the others to clear the room.
And it turns out I was right: she knew the Mazikin, or rather, the person the Mazikin had possessed.
It was her mother.
The understanding was so powerful that it broke my composure for a moment. I reached for her, my only thought to comfort her. That was when I realized how far I have pushed her away. She has wrapped her anger around her like armor, and there is no penetrating it., though I know her heart beats soft and bleeding beneath, and I want nothing more than to peel off those layers of hurt and reach inside her and soothe her, however I can, whatever it takes
Despite this revelation, she appears determined to do her job. That is good.
Day 14
I attended Aden’s funeral today. I stood next to Laney, who has known him since they were very young. He was a baseball player, and all his teammates were there, including Ian Moseley, another close friend of Laney’s. Tegan was there, and Jim, who has decided to go to school with us, was there as well, standing as close to Tegan as was socially acceptable.
LelaThe Captain stood apart, alone. She didn’t speak to anyone. She didn’t look at anything except the casket. She has been patrolling every night, and as far as I know has not taken a break for days. She looks so tired. She is running herself into the ground. I think she is trying to show us that this revelation about her mother is not affecting her. I ache for her. I want her to remain efficient and effective. I will talk to her.
Day 15
I have spoken with the Captain. I told her I would patrol tonight while she takes the evening to rest. It was a very professional conversation.
We still have not found the new Mazikin nest, but I have hope we will soon. However, the attack on the camp has garnered a great deal of news coverage, and I fear it will drive them underground.
As a side note, today Laney Fisher, the pretty, redheaded girl who seems to enjoy my attention, asked if I would take her to “prom.” This is apparently a formal dance. She said it would be fun. I could tell she very much wanted me to go with her. She put her hand on my arm and squeezed. She leaned forward so her body brushed against mine. Here, I thought, is something uncomplicated.
And the thought made my gut twist with missing LelaI told Laney I would think about it.
Day 16
My patrol was quiet. But our Captain had an eventful night. She ignored my suggestion that she rest and went out with Ian Moseley. To a theater. Where they were ambushed by Mazikin. She was bitten.
Once again I find myself by her side. She is on the couch in our parlor, not yet roused from the deep sleep Raphael bestows to shield us from the pain of his healing. I can hear the quiet rush of her breath. I am watching the rise of her chest with each inhalation.
I could look at her face all night. I have been here before, waiting for her to open her eyes. I feel the same way I did thenBut everything is different.
Everything is different. She would not want me by her side, and I have no real reason to be here. I am going to the basement
to train. I think it will feel rather refreshing to hit something very hard.
Day 17
Raphael came to heal Jim after I broke his nose during an impromptu sparring match this morning, and I took advantage. “Tell me about Lela’s mother.”
Raphael did not look surprised. “What would you like to know?”
“Anything you can tell me. Why didn’t she take care of Lela? Why did she abandon her?”
“Not every child has parents as loving as yours were, Malachi.”
“Don’t patronize me.”
He chuckled. “Very well. Lela’s mother is named Rita Santos. She has what is commonly called a ‘mental illness.’ A fairly severe one at that. She hears voices that are not real, telling her to do things. She believes things that are not true, for example that there are men who are chasing her, trying to capture her and hurt her.”
“But that did happen.” That’s exactly what the Mazikin did to her.
Raphael inclined his head in acknowledgement. “But she believed those things for many years. She did not take very good care of Lela. She would forget to feed Lela on occasion. She would leave her with people she didn’t know very well. A few times, she took Lela on the run with her, and they slept under bridges or in shelters. Eventually, the state took custody of Lela, who was four years old at the time.”
“And they gave her to these foster parents.”
Raphael nodded. “Rita wanted Lela back, but she was so ill. She used illicit drugs to try to dampen the symptoms, but they accelerated her decline. She had been homeless for a very long time when the Mazikin found her.”
“The Mazikin inside Rita used her memories to recognize Lela. Now the Mazikin are trying to use it against us. Lela is meeting with this Mazikin tomorrow.”
“Then your Captain is fortunate that she has such a concerned Lieutenant by her side.”
