by W. W. Jacobs
With somediffidence she invited the admiral to stay to supper, and was obviouslydelighted when he accepted.
In the character of admiral Mr. Stiles enjoyed himself amazingly, his oneregret being that no discriminating theatrical manager was present towitness his performance. His dignity increased as the evening wore on,and from good-natured patronage of the unfortunate Burton he progressedgradually until he was shouting at him. Once, when he had occasion toask Mr. Burton if he intended to contradict him, his appearance was soterrible that his hostess turned pale and trembled with excitement.
Mr. Burton adopted the air for his own use as soon as they were clear ofMrs. Dutton's doorstep, and in good round terms demanded of Mr. Stileswhat he meant by it.
"It was a difficult part to play, George," responded his friend. "Weought to have rehearsed it a bit. I did the best I could."
"Best you could?" stormed Mr. Burton. "Telling lies and ordering meabout?"
"I had to play the part without any preparation, George," said the other,firmly. "You got yourself into the difficulty by saying that I was theadmiral in the first place. I'll do better next time we go."
Mr. Burton, with a nasty scowl, said that there was not going to be anynext time, but Mr. Stiles smiled as one having superior information.Deaf first to hints and then to requests to seek his pleasure elsewhere,he stayed on, and Mr. Burton was soon brought to realise the difficultieswhich beset the path of the untruthful.
The very next visit introduced a fresh complication, it being evident tothe most indifferent spectator that Mr. Stiles and the widow were gettingon very friendly terms. Glances of unmistakable tenderness passedbetween them, and on the occasion of the third visit Mr. Burton sat anamazed and scandalised spectator of a flirtation of the most pronounceddescription. A despairing attempt on his part to lead the conversationinto safer and, to his mind, more becoming channels only increased hisdiscomfiture. Neither of them took any notice of it, and a minute laterMr. Stiles called the widow a "saucy little baggage," and said that shereminded him of the Duchess of Marford.
"'Mr. Stiles called the widow a 'saucy little baggage.'"]
"I used to think she was the most charming woman in England," he said,meaningly.
Mrs. Dutton simpered and looked down; Mr. Stiles moved his chair a littlecloser to her, and then glanced thoughtfully at his friend.
"Burton," he said.
"Sir," snapped the other.
"Run back and fetch my pipe for me," said Mr. Stiles. "I left it on themantelpiece."
Mr. Burton hesitated, and, the widow happening to look away, shook hisfist at his superior officer.
"Look sharp," said Mr. Stiles, in a peremptory voice.
"I'm very sorry, sir," said Mr. Burton, whose wits were being sharpenedby misfortune, "but I broke it."
"Broke it?" repeated the other.
"Yes, sir," said Mr. Burton. "I knocked it on the floor and trod on itby accident; smashed it to powder."
Mr. Stiles rated him roundly for his carelessness, and asked him whetherhe knew that it was a present from the Italian Ambassador.
"Burton was always a clumsy man," he said, turning to the widow. "He hadthe name for it when he was on the _Destruction_ with me; 'BunglingBurton' they called him."
He divided the rest of the evening between flirting and recountingvarious anecdotes of Mr. Burton, none of which were at all flatteringeither to his intelligence or to his sobriety, and the victim, after oneor two futile attempts at contradiction, sat in helpless wrath as he sawthe infatuation of the widow. They were barely clear of the house beforehis pent-up emotions fell in an avalanche of words on the faithless Mr.Stiles.
"I can't help being good-looking," said the latter, with a smirk.
"Your good looks wouldn't hurt anybody," said Mr. Burton, in a gratingvoice; "it's the admiral business that fetches her. It's turned 'erhead."
Mr. Stiles smiled. "She'll say 'snap' to my 'snip' any time," heremarked. "And remember, George, there'll always be a knife and forklaid for you when you like to come."
"I dessay," retorted Mr. Burton, with a dreadful sneer. "Only as ithappens I'm going to tell 'er the truth about you first thing to-morrowmorning. If I can't have 'er you sha'n't."
"That'll spoil your chance, too," said Mr. Stiles. "She'd never forgiveyou for fooling her like that. It seems a pity neither of us should gether."
"You're a sarpent," exclaimed Mr. Burton, savagely--"a sarpent that I'vewarmed in my bosom and----"
"There's no call to be indelicate, George," said Mr. Stiles, reprovingly,as he paused at the door of the house. "Let's sit down and talk it overquietly."
Mr. Burton followed him into the room and, taking a chair, waited.
"It's evident she's struck with me," said Mr. Stiles, slowly; "it's alsoevident that if you tell her the truth it might spoil my chances. Idon't say it would, but it might. That being so, I'm agreeable to goingback without seeing her again by the six-forty train to-morrow morning ifit's made worth my while."
"Made worth your while?" repeated the other.
"Certainly," said the unblushing Mr. Stiles. "She's not a bad-lookingwoman--for her age--and it's a snug little business."
Mr. Burton, suppressing his choler, affected to ponder. "If 'arf asovereign--" he said, at last.
"Half a fiddlestick!" said the other, impatiently. "I want ten pounds.You've just drawn your pension, and, besides, you've been a saving manall your life."
"Ten pounds?" gasped the other. "D'ye think I've got a gold-mine in theback garden?"
Mr. Stiles leaned back in his chair and crossed his feet. "I don't gofor a penny less," he said, firmly. "Ten pounds and my ticket back. Ifyou call me any more o' those names I'll make it twelve."
"And what am I to explain to Mrs. Dutton?" demanded Mr. Burton, after aquarter of an hour's altercation.
"Anything you like," said his generous friend. "Tell her I'm engaged tomy cousin, and our marriage keeps being put off and off on account of myeccentric behaviour. And you can say that that was caused by a splinterof a shell striking my head. Tell any lies you like; I shall never turnup again to contradict them. If she tries to find out things about theadmiral, remind her that she promised to keep his visit here secret."
For over an hour Mr. Burton sat weighing the advantages and disadvantagesof this proposal, and then--Mr. Stiles refusing to seal the bargainwithout--shook hands upon it and went off to bed in a state of mindhovering between homicide and lunacy.
He was up in good time next morning, and, returning the shortest possibleanswers to the remarks of Mr. Stiles, who was in excellent feather, wentwith him to the railway station to be certain of his departure.
It was a delightful morning, cool and bright, and, despite hismisfortunes. Mr. Burton's spirits began to rise as he thought of hisapproaching deliverance. Gloom again overtook him at the booking-office,where the unconscionable Mr. Stiles insisted firmly upon a first-classticket.
"Who ever heard of an admiral riding third?" he demanded, indignantly.
"But they don't know you're an admiral," urged Mr. Burton, trying tohumour him.
"No; but I feel like one," said Mr. Stiles, slapping his pocket. "I'vealways felt curious to see what it feels like travelling first-class;besides, you can tell Mrs. Dutton."
"I could tell 'er that in any case," returned Mr. Burton.
Mr. Stiles looked shocked, and, time pressing, Mr. Burton, breathing sohard that it impeded his utterance, purchased a first-class ticket andconducted him to the carriage. Mr. Stiles took a seat by the window andlolling back put his foot up on the cushions opposite. A large bell rangand the carriage-doors were slammed.
"Good-bye, George," said the traveller, putting his head to the window."I've enjoyed my visit very much."
"Good riddance," said Mr. Burton, savagely.
"'Good riddance,' said Mr. Burton, savagely."]
Mr. Stiles shook his head. "I'm letting you off easy," he said, slowly."If it hadn't ha' been for one litt
le thing I'd have had the widowmyself."
"What little thing?" demanded the other, as the train began to glideslowly out.
"My wife," said Mr. Stiles, as a huge smile spread slowly over his face."Good-bye, George, and don't forget to give my love when you go round."
