Her eyes followed his path to the dresser. Shit. There was a strip of four black and white pictures of her and Grant posing in a photo booth from earlier that summer when the two of them had gone to the State Fair. They’d stepped into the booth on a lark, and three of the photos were silly pictures--one where her tongue was sticking out; another where she was cross-eyed; and another where she’d tilted her head to one side, her eyes looking up, one finger under her chin. Grant had been laughing in each shot, even though he’d tried but failed to be silly like she was. The last shot, though, she’d been serious, and the photo caught them in mid-kiss. When they’d arrived at her house the next day, Grant had told her to keep the pictures and had tucked them in the upper left corner of the dresser mirror. And like everything in her house, it became invisible once she’d grown used to it.
But of course it would be as clear as a window to Johnny.
“Oh, uh...” She swallowed and forced herself to sit next to him on the bed. “That’s...Grant.”
Johnny finally looked in her eyes, his head barely moving to the side. “And who the fuck is Grant?”
She felt her hackles rise, and she wanted to take the defensive, but the air flowed out of her. She had no right. Johnny was correct to wonder who Grant was, and she was in the wrong for not having said anything. She had no idea how to handle the situation, so she knew she would just have to be honest. She forced herself to maintain eye contact. Every single word from her mouth was spoken like a sentence, but she willed herself to say the words that needed to come out. “He’s my fiancé.”
Johnny blinked a few times, then repeated as though the words were foreign to him, “Your fiancé?” Katie couldn’t force any other words out, so she moved her head in three slow, short nods, the corner of her mouth screwed up. Johnny inhaled deliberately, then let the air escape with the same control. His voice was low, primeval. “When exactly were you planning on telling me this?”
Katie dropped her head, still throbbing, into her hands. Do not cry, she ordered herself silently. “I didn’t mean for this to happen...”
“Mean for what to happen, Katie? For us to make love, or for me to find out that you’re cheating on the guy you’re planning to marry?”
“That’s not what I meant--”
Johnny stood. “Then what did you mean?” She shook her head and brought her hand to her forehead. He leaned against the dresser, his back to the strip of pictures.
“I was going to tell you later today. It’s been gnawing at me since last night...”
“Jesus, Katie. You know, we were catching up last night all fucking night long. I was telling you about my plans for the future. You know, starting a new band, getting a clean start. I’m just wondering why your wedding plans weren’t up there with telling me about buying a house and planting a garden. Didn’t you think you could have said at some point, ‘Oh, yeah, by the way, I’m planning on getting married’?” He grabbed her hands, holding them in front of him. “I mean, where the hell’s the engagement ring?” He paused, letting her hands drop. “Or are you just jerking me around?”
Goddammit. The first little warrior tear fell, scraping her right cheek on its traitorous journey down to its final resting place on her lap, her white robe absorbing it. “It’s at the jeweler’s being refitted.”
The room was silent for several pregnant seconds. “This is fucked up.” Johnny walked out of the bedroom, each step of his boots like thunder in her quiet house. Katie couldn’t let him go yet, not like this.
“Wait, Johnny. You don’t understand. It’s not like that.” She followed him into the living room.
He turned around, planted his feet in front of the door, the same spot where it had all started last night. Katie looked at him until he said, “I’m waiting. Tell me what it’s like.”
She sighed as another tear dropped. “I was going to tell you. I swear. I just didn’t know how. And...” Her voice faded. She didn’t know what to say.
“Were you going to tell him too?”
“I have to.”
He nodded. “And then what?” His voice was so low, Katie almost couldn’t hear him.
She looked down at her feet, her head moving back and forth as the flood started. “I don’t know.”
“Hmm.” Johnny grabbed his keys off the small table beside the door and then walked outside. Katie heard his motorcycle rev up. Finally, Johnny put the bike in gear, and the noise faded as he sped down the street. It was only then that she dropped to her knees and she noticed a tiny white satin-covered button on the floor beside her, mocking her. She cupped her head in her hands, wailing, wondering if she’d just lost a friend forever or if he just needed time to cool off.
Chapter Eight
There was no getting around it. She was going to look like shit today. Between the hangover and the tears, there was little her makeup could do to make her look presentable. Still, she tried. Whenever she would lose focus and start thinking about Johnny, she bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying, and she tried to keep to herself busy at work. Today was a paperwork day, so she thought she might be able to just focus on her computer screen and avoid people altogether. But looking busy didn’t stop a few people from stopping by her cubicle to shoot the breeze.
Dean peeked in her cubicle around 10:00. “Hey, Kate, what time did you finally leave last night?” He was just glancing in, but when Katie looked up at him, he paused. “My God, what happened last night?” Shit. She must have looked worse than she thought she did. Katie sighed. Before she could construct an answer, he said, “Did that Libby woman call you after hours?”
Katie shook her head. “No, nothing like that.” How much should she tell Dean, she wondered. He and Grant were pretty good friends, and she pondered--with good reason--how much of this conversation would get back to Grant. She didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t also didn’t know what she should say. The truth, she thought. The truth shall set you free. It was worth a shot.
Dean sat down in the extra chair seated next to the cubicle entryway. “Are you feeling all right?”
“Honestly, no. I feel like crap warmed over.” She sighed. “My oldest friend showed up in town last night. We went out, and I drank a lot more than I should have.”
Dean raised his eyebrows slightly. “I didn’t even know you drank.”
Katie nodded. “That’s because I usually don’t.” Katie felt herself almost saying too much and decided she’d better stop. “We were just having fun, and I wasn’t paying any attention. Well, I’m paying for it today.”
Dean smiled. “I can’t say much. I’ve done that a time or two myself.” He acted like he was going to stand up, but then he stopped. “Are you sure that’s all that’s wrong? You sure that Libby case from yesterday isn’t gnawing at you?”
“Why do you say that?”
Dean frowned. “Well, you look more like you’re upset than that you had a crazy night partying. Hell, you look like you’ve been crying off and on.” She had. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m probably coming off as snoopy. I don’t want you to think that. I just...promised Grant I’d look after you. Silly, I know. You can take care of yourself. You just look...so miserable.” He looked down at the desk and then back up again. “So sad.”
Katie inhaled, taking time for the air to fill her lungs. Okay, so she was going to have to lie. Just thinking about it made her want to cry. “Really, Dean, I just don’t feel well. But thanks for asking.”
He curled up a corner of his mouth, then ran his hand over his bald head. “Yeah. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“No problem.”
“Maybe you should go home early today.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’d really rather just get all this paperwork done.” She needed some time away from her thoughts, and focusing on work was helping. At least, she thought so.
“All right. Holler if I can do anything.”
“Will do.” She exhaled as Dean stepped away. She bit her lip, f
eeling the tears at the ready again. She sipped at her coffee and rolled her neck, then put her fingers back on the keyboard.
But Dean wasn’t the only person to stop by her cubicle. Aside from the mail girl, she also had another coworker stop by to ask for two of her files. Finally, Gwendolyn, the office busybody, wandered by Katie’s cubicle. Katie almost shuddered, because she knew that Gwen made sure to talk to everyone she could every day. It was the only way she could be sure to stay current with office happenings. So when Gwen confirmed with Katie that Grant would be back tomorrow, Katie felt more than a little irritated that Gwen then decided to plop her fat ass at her desk. What more could she possibly want?
“So, Kate, when do you get your ring back?”
Katie tried to keep her eyes on the computer screen, but it made them hurt worse. Even out of the corner of her eyes, she could see Gwen’s burgundy lipstick, painted slightly outside the woman’s real lip line in an effort to make her lips look plumper. Instead, Katie thought, it just made her look stupid, and today she was just not in the mood for Gwen’s games. She decided to be curt with her answer. “I’m not sure.” Gwen started tapping the desk with her finger. Katie knew this was a sign that Gwen was going to lean in to “get intimate.” Katie was in no mood. She finally looked over at the woman. “Look, Gwen, what can I do for you? I have a lot of work to do today.”
Gwen’s lips pursed, and she tilted her head to one side, the black curls on her head bobbing. “Feeling a little hostile? What’s the matter with you?”
Katie sighed. “I just don’t feel well, okay? Can you please cut me a little slack?”
“Hmmph. You know, just because you’re engaged to my boss doesn’t mean you can treat me like that.” As though it were an afterthought, she said, “Even if you don’t feel good.” Gwen got up without saying another word and moved on to the next cubicle. Katie felt relieved. She’d almost felt bad for Gwen when she realized the woman’s last comments were merely a passive-aggressive attempt to get Katie to acquiesce. So Katie simply let Gwen move on. She still felt like crap, but at least she wouldn’t have the office gossip there, breaking down what little protection she had. She didn’t want Grant to hear from someone else that something was wrong. She wanted to tell him herself.
And what, exactly, would she tell him? Fortunately, she had an entire day and night to figure it out. And at some point the pounding in her head was bound to stop.
* * *
Even though she’d been exhausted, Katie had a hard time going to sleep that night. She thought about Johnny a lot. More than that, though, she couldn’t stop seeing the last look he gave her. And when she wasn’t thinking about Johnny, Grant was heavy on her mind. She did a lot of thinking, though, and her stomach was tight and sour the next day, but she knew what she had to do.
Grant called her around 10:30 the next morning and told her he should be back in town around lunch time. He asked if she wanted to meet for lunch before they returned for work. She agreed.
They met at one of Katie’s favorite restaurants, Main Street Bakery and Deli. Grant hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, and they went inside to order. While waiting for their food, Grant told Katie about his trip. It had been a supervisor’s conference where he could learn some of the new regulations being put into place in the next year in the Child Protection arena. Three days of intense training made anyone miss home. Katie and Grant picked up their orders and headed toward the dining area. Katie didn’t know if she felt relief that Grant couldn’t tell anything was wrong with her.
They sat down at a table near a window, and Katie felt her stomach turn several times. Grant asked, “When do you get the ring back? I can’t wait to see it on you.”
She felt nauseous. “Grant, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
His face turned pale and the light in his eyes dimmed. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“I don’t know any good way to say it, and I don’t want to prolong it.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “Why don’t we eat outside at one of those tables?”
Katie agreed. The fewer ears, the better. They picked up their food and went outside to sit down under an umbrella that shaded most of their faces, the warm June sun kissing Katie’s arms. She sipped a little water, then forced herself to relax as much as possible. She exhaled a deep breath, then started. “Did I ever tell you about my old friend Johnny?”
“The guy in the band that you’ve known since elementary school?”
“Yeah, that’s him.” Grant nodded. “Well, he came to see me while you were gone.”
Grant nodded again and set his sandwich down. “Was he messed up like last time?”
Katie shook her head. “No, he was clean. And he looked healthy. Anyway, we hung out all night long and...” Katie paused, rubbing her brow. She was finding it difficult to maintain eye contact. She had to force herself to look back up to meet Grant’s eyes with her own. “Uh, some things--something happened between us.” She closed her eyes and breathed out slowly. She forced herself to look in Grant’s eyes again. She couldn’t read a thing. His face was like a tombstone, rigid, cold, and lifeless. “I don’t want to go into details, but it really made me question my entire life.” She felt like she should say more, much more, but she couldn’t find the words.
Grant took a sip of his iced tea and then set it down again. Silence reigned for a few moments. Finally, he said, “Including us?”
This was harder than Katie had expected. She swallowed hard, the saliva in her mouth trying to drown her. “Yes, actually, but... Well, I don’t know how to explain it except that, well, I’m not happy with my life. I’m not happy with who I am anymore. I don’t know that I ever was. I’ve allowed myself to become content--with my job, with my house, and I’ve forgotten how to dream. And...Johnny reminded me of all that I used to hope to be, and...” She swallowed again. “Anyway, I realized that I need to pursue my dreams before I settle down. And I can’t expect you to wait for me while I do.”
Katie saw Grant’s tanned jaw buckle under the pressure of his teeth clamping together. He was looking out at the parking lot. His eyes looked like lasers focused on some distant object, something deserving of intense scrutiny, intense displeasure. It was meant for her, of course, but she knew that Grant was so disgusted with her, he couldn’t even make himself look at her. Finally, though, he turned his head to look back in her eyes. “It doesn’t sound like you’re giving me an option, Kate. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.” He took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring. “So why don’t you just spit it out?”
She felt like she was going to throw up, but she was going to say what he needed her to say. “I think we need some time apart while I figure out what I want to do with my life.”
Grant resumed looking out at the parking lot and was gnawing the inside of his lip. Finally, he turned his head back to her and said, “Time apart? So, are you saying the engagement is off?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
He was looking her straight in the eye. “What do you mean you don’t know? You’ve been giving this a lot of thought. Do you want to marry me or not? It’s a simple question.”
“I really don’t know, Grant.”
Grant gulped more of his tea, taking extra time to set the glass back down. “Tell me this, Kate, and don’t lie to me, okay? I’m pretty sure I already know the answer, but I want to hear it from you.” He swallowed. “Were you unfaithful?”
Her eyes drifted down toward the table. Her mouth had been watering earlier and now it felt like a piece of carpet. It was dry and sticky, and her tongue didn’t want to move. She grabbed her water and took a sip. But she couldn’t make herself look at him. She felt her eyes grow watery as she finally said, “Yes.”
He shook his head and snorted in disgust. Then he stood and walked over to his white sedan in the parking lot, got in, and drove away. His sandwich lay in the hot sun, a slice of ham with mayonnaise and the corner of a lettuce leaf
poking out from underneath a ciabatta bun. The lettuce was already beginning to curl and wilt, and Katie felt like her heart was doing the same thing, melting under scrutiny. But her conversation with Grant had felt fruitless; it just felt like an exercise meant to make them both feel bad. Nothing had been solved or resolved, and she didn’t feel any better. In fact, she felt worse than before. Now she’d taken three hearts--hers, Johnny’s, and Grant’s--and stomped on them, and she didn’t know that she could fix them.
* * *
The doorbell to Katie’s little one-bedroom apartment made a tinny sound, announcing to Katie that someone was at the door. It was late, though, so she wondered who it could be. She slid the chain lock into place and opened the door. A tall, scrawny man stood in the doorway, so close it was almost impossible to make out a face. She pulled the door open as wide as it would go with the chain to get a look. The man’s eyes were droopy and his pale, yellowish face was gaunt and hollow. “Johnny, is that you?”
The man who looked old beyond his years nodded as though his head might snap off his neck. A faint smile crossed his face. “Katie, am I glad you’re home.”
“What the hell?” She closed the door enough so that she could unlock the chain. Then she opened the door and grabbed Johnny’s arm at the elbow. She was horrified. He was nothing but bones and he smelled horrible, as though he’d been living inside the carpet of a frat house where they’d been doing beer bongs and weed for three months straight and urinating in random places. He had dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks were sunken underneath a full but scraggly beard. He looked as though he hadn’t eaten a good meal in ages. She couldn’t even tell how long his hair had grown, but it was stringy and pulled back in a ponytail. “What happened?”
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