Katie was seeing a side of Johnny she honestly hadn’t even known existed. He was being a dick. “What are you saying?”
Johnny walked toward the door, pulling the floor buffer to the side. “I’m saying that we’re friends, Katie. We’ll always be friends, no matter what. And if you wanna be friends with benefits, I’m cool with that too. ‘Cause, hey, that was an awesome fuck tonight. A great way to end a show. Now, I’m gonna go enjoy my fans. Why don’t you come join me?” And with that, he walked out the door.
Jesus Christ. Katie felt the breath rush out of her lungs, ripping out of her body like a stock car. She splayed her fingers out on the counter to steady herself, but she felt weak. He could have hurt her less if he’d just kicked her in the stomach with those combat boots.
So now she was just a steady fuck when he toured in Colorado? Seriously? She shook her head. God. Either he was such a freaking womanizer that it didn’t matter that she was his oldest friend, or she’d hurt him so badly that he’d closed off every sensitive part of himself. She had to believe the latter, because the former was just too harsh to believe. She’d known womanizers before, and some part of them was sociopathic--they just couldn’t relate to people on a personal level at all. They didn’t know how to care. But that wasn’t Johnny. Was it?
No, she couldn’t believe it. But the other truth was just as horrible. It told her that she had sliced his emotional core from limb to limb and he wasn’t going to open himself up to hurt anymore. Just the thought made the tears begin to drop at thunderstorm pace, until she was wiping them away, still unable to see through the blur of salty water. She saw a roll of stiff unbleached paper towels and tore some off, rubbing the rough edges against her nose.
She cried for several minutes and then told herself she had to stop. This was ridiculous. She decided she was going to cry at home. She didn’t want anyone coming in, asking her what was wrong. The wound was still bleeding. She didn’t want to talk about it until it started to scab over.
She slid off the counter and turned around to face the mirror. God, she looked horrible. She tore off more paper towel and rubbed underneath her eyes, hoping to remove most of the smudged makeup. Then she smoothed her hair and threw the paper towels in the army green metal trashcan under the counter, on top of the rubber that was probably still warm. She took a deep breath. She decided she would just ease out of the place if she could get away with it. If not, she’d wave a quick good bye and slap a smile on her face as she walked out the door.
She heard a chant going on in the other room. “Drink it! Drink it!” She cracked the door open a few inches and peeked out. She saw the entire crowd turned toward the other side of the room. Two guys from the first band had cups of beer and were in some kind of drinking contest, or else something else was going on that Katie probably didn’t want to know about. But it offered her a perfect opportunity to slide out the door unnoticed. She didn’t even have to tiptoe. Johnny was in the middle of the crowd and stood out--between the red shirt and his height, it was hard to miss him. Heather and Kiefer were now sitting on a sectional in the corner opposite the drinking game, intent in conversation. Katie wouldn’t find a better opportunity than this, and so she walked in a diagonal toward the door, as though a serial killer were hot on her heels. And she escaped without anyone seeing her. Or, at the very least, without following her.
* * *
Katie rarely had the opportunity to ride on the light rail, but she would tonight. She lived just a few blocks from campus and always walked, rain or shine. And when she and Heather had to go grocery shopping, they would take one of their cars. She just didn’t have need for the light rail very often. But she would tonight; she knew it would drop her off on campus. She just had to find which route to take. But it didn’t matter. She didn’t want to go home right now. She just wanted to be alone and think, really think.
As she was finding her way away from the concert venue and was walking around, looking for a bus stop or the light rail, she texted Heather. She didn’t want to tell her too much, so she’d simply told her she was tired and had to leave. She added for Heather to not worry about her, that she’d see her at home later. She said last that she wanted her to have a great time with her new friend.
Well, she thought, Heather had asked her to win the tickets, so they were technically hers. It stood to reason that Heather should get more out of this than Katie. Katie was happy for Heather. Just because she felt crushed herself shouldn’t matter.
But it did. And when Katie got on the light rail, she found a seat all to herself. It was late, so she figured that was why it wasn’t crowded on the train. She used her phone to figure out what station to get off at, but she wound up just riding for a long while, thinking about the last hour, the last year, the last couple of decades...
Her phone buzzed--a text message from Heather. But Katie didn’t read it. She wasn’t ready. She thought about just turning her phone off and changed her mind. She knew what it said anyway--Heather would want to know what happened. She knew Katie too well and would be able to tell she was fibbing, even if it was just a lousy text.
Katie refused to feel sorry for herself. She’d meant what she told Johnny, that her life was finally what it should be. And she really shouldn’t feel bad for herself. She’d always dreamed of being with Johnny and she’d gotten her wish. Now she had to decide if she was okay being a “port girl.”
Ridiculous. Of course she’d never be satisfied with just being someone he could screw once every few years. But that thought always led to the next one: that Johnny was probably just full of shit, that she’d hurt him so deeply, scarred him so that he wasn’t about to be vulnerable with her again. So it would probably be another year or two--whenever he came back to Colorado--that she would clear out this mistake. But would it be too late? Would he even let her, or was their friendship as it had once been now over?
Her phone buzzed again--another text from Heather. Katie knew if she didn’t text back that Heather would then call. Rather than have to ignore the call, she turned the phone off. Then she wouldn’t feel guilty or compelled to answer.
And her thoughts jerked back to Johnny. She decided that maybe she’d instead give it a week or so, then call his mom and get current contact information from him. Or maybe she’d see if she could track him down in May when classes were out. What they’d have to say would be better said in person.
She didn’t know what to do. She knew that she needed a good night’s sleep. Rest would help her think clearly.
No matter when she chose to talk to Johnny, she’d have more apologizing to do, more than she’d thought at first she’d had to. God, he must have thought she was such a callous, heartless bitch. And how would she ever be able to convince him otherwise?
Or had he really meant what he said? That she was a nice fuck, and he’d see her in a year or so? Had their friendship degenerated into that?
But that didn’t seem like Johnny. She’d known him for far too long to think that was who he’d really become. Then again, they didn’t spend lots of time together anymore. They saw each other a few days every few years, and it had been that way for the last ten-plus years. Maybe he was different.
She sat in the train turning the questions over and over in her mind. When the rail finally stopped, she walked from campus the few blocks to the apartment. The crisp night air helped her head clear. She took in deep gulps of air, and each new breath and step helped her feel alive again.
So, she wondered, what if Johnny just tells her to fuck off, tells her that they’re no longer friends, that he never wants to see her again? Well, that could be managed too, but it was a possibility that the thought lurked in the back of his mind. If that was the case, she’d focus on school and what would become her new career. And she’d take that history professor up on his constant advances and go on a date with him. The wounds would heal. People got over heartbreak every day, and Katie could too. The scars would never go away, but she could learn to live with the
m. In fact, she assured herself, they’d ultimately make her stronger and would certainly make her a better writer. Wouldn’t they?
Chapter Fourteen
Katie was climbing the third flight of stairs to her apartment and opened the door to the hallway. The building had an elevator but Katie refused to use it. Any exercise was good exercise, she’d told Heather.
As she rounded the corner into the hallway, she saw someone in front of her apartment door near the end of the hall. He was sitting with his back against the door, his knees bent, his arms resting on his knees so that his hands hung loosely. She knew who it was. As she got closer, she saw for certain that it was Johnny. He was still wearing the black vinyl pants and boots, but he’d changed into a close-fitting long-sleeved dark blue t-shirt. Seeing him, she felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. She’d wanted to talk to him soon, yes, but she didn’t know that she’d wanted to talk to him this soon.
But it was too late to turn around. He’d already seen her. She felt ill at the sight of him--not because he was repulsive but because of everything that had happened. She didn’t want to talk, not now. But she couldn’t just walk around him. He stood up as she approached. “Johnny? What are you doing here?” She hoped he couldn’t tell that she’d been crying a few hours ago and was still sad. God, why now? She wasn’t ready.
“Can I come in for a few minutes?”
Katie pulled her key out of her pocket and slid it in the lock. She wanted to ask if she had a choice. Instead, she just shrugged her shoulders and faced the door. “Sure.”
As she entered, she flipped the light switch on, and Johnny followed behind her. She walked to the kitchen and grabbed a glass out of the cabinet. “Can I get you anything to drink?” She turned on the faucet and filled up her glass.
“No, thanks.”
She came back out to the living area and swept her hand toward the sofa, indicating that Johnny could sit down. She sat next to him but looked down at her glass. “So...?” She couldn’t even finish her sentence. Sam sauntered into the living room and rubbed against Katie’s leg. She petted his head but kept her focus on Johnny.
“Why’d you leave?”
She couldn’t believe what he was saying. Why did she leave? Could he seriously be asking that? Had he really expected her to hang around after what he’d said to her? “Why do you think?” She forced herself to look at him. “Did you think I’d actually be flattered to be your Colorado groupie?”
“God, Katie, I was just joking.”
She frowned. “Well, it wasn’t funny.”
He nodded. “You’re right. It wasn’t.” She saw his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed. “I guess I just wanted you to feel a little of what I felt when you told me last year you were engaged.” Katie felt her cheeks redden. “But I just wanted you to think for a few minutes, not hours. I came back to talk, and you were already gone.” She nodded. “And your friend Heather didn’t know where you were either. She said you sent her a message that you were going home, so here I am.”
This was all her fault. She’d never told Johnny how she really felt. Never. Not when they were teens, not any of the times they’d spent together as adults, not last year, not earlier tonight. Enough was enough. It didn’t matter if nothing came of it. But she could see now that all withholding the truth had done was create a tangled web, one that made her look like a bad person, when all she’d been trying to do was protect her heart. But she’d hurt her friend’s heart instead. “Johnny. I need to tell you something. Actually, I’ve got a lot to tell you.”
His eyes clouded over. “Don’t tell me you’re engaged again.”
She frowned. That wasn’t fair, but she supposed she had it coming. She sighed. “Just bear with me, okay?” She saw his jaw ripple, but he nodded and his eyes looked calm. She looked down at her hands, then took a sip of her water and set the glass on the coffee table. She looked back up at him. Stop prolonging this, she told herself. “Johnny Church, you have been my best friend for far too long to just toss our friendship away, no matter what has happened in the last year. But there’s something I haven’t told you, something I’ve never told you, something you need to know.” He squinted. She took a deep breath. “Johnny, I’ve loved you since high school. As a lot more than a friend.” She closed her eyes, unable to look at him anymore. She opened them again, though, and then just looked down at her hands again. “But I never told you. You were always dating some other girl or screwing several on the side, and you never seemed interested. But I’ve never stopped loving you, Johnny.” She wanted to say more, but the words just wouldn’t come out.
She could barely hear his voice. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
What did that mean? She didn’t know. She just looked up at him. “No. I love you.”
His face looked as though he was trying to cope with a punch to the gut. “So then why...Riley...and other guys...and your fiancé? And why now?”
She shook her head. “Because you didn’t care about me that way, so I was just happy continuing to be your best friend. It was the status quo. And Riley?” She couldn’t help laughing. “I dated him hoping to make you jealous.”
Johnny’s eyes softened. “It worked.”
Katie’s right brow curled down. “What?”
Johnny smiled. “Jesus, Katie. Was I that good at hiding it?”
“Hiding what?”
He let out a puff of air and rubbed his forearm, staring at the sleeve of tattoos. “You say you’ve loved me since high school. Well, I’ve got you beat.”
“What do you mean?”
“Try middle school.” She just looked at him and he gazed up from his arm into her eyes. “Katie, I’ve loved you since eighth grade. And I can tell you exactly when my feelings for you changed. I remember playing softball with you one day. Remember how we had recess after lunch in middle school? And it was early spring, one of the first days we could go outside without jackets, and one day a bunch of us decided to play softball. You were the only girl who wanted to play. We were with some of the guys, and I was pitching. You hit that fucking ball all the way out to the back of the fence, and I watched two of the outfielders running after it. While they were running, I saw some girls by the school building, and they were huddled together, telling secrets and gossiping like they always do. And there you were with the guys instead, holding a bat. You were never like those other girls. You were my friend. You were like one of the guys. And you knocked that fuckin’ ball way out there and made it to second base like that.” He snapped his fingers. “I remember that day like it was yesterday...you were wearing faded blue jeans and that light blue shirt, you know, the one with the curved neckline. And it just hugged your cute little perky tits.” She closed her eyes and giggled, but no, she didn’t remember that shirt. “You hadn’t had them for very long, so they were hard to ignore. And, besides, what do you think a boy beginning puberty is going to look at?” She shook her head, still smiling. “You don’t even want to know how many masturbation fantasies you played starring role in.”
“Yeah, probably not.”
“But you didn’t look at me that way, never thought of me that way. At least, I didn’t think so. So I just stood back.” His mouth curved downward. “You were too good for me anyway.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Aw, come on, Katie. Think about it. You had two parents in a solid marriage. I had a single mother, and I never knew my father. Had never even met the guy. You were going to go to college. I was going to be lucky to graduate. You constantly read books, and I avoided them like the plague. You were the smart one. You were destined to go places. I, on the other hand, was not, and I wasn’t expected to. But I believed in myself, and I knew you believed in me, no matter what anyone else thought. So I found something I loved. I had a passion for music, and I loved guitar, and I made it my mission to be one of the best. I practiced constantly and honed my skills. I knew you’d notice.”
“I did. But you were busy
screwing every cheerleader you could get your dick in.”
“Be fair. There were multiple reasons for that.” Katie raised her eyebrows. “One was I really had no idea you had even thought of me that way. And then, of course, you don’t want to just fuck the girl you love. You fuck the girls you don’t care about.” She nodded slightly. “And then...shit. Riley. Goddammit, Katie, that nearly ripped my heart out.”
“I didn’t know...”
He nodded. “I know.” He bit his cheek. “But Riley did.” Katie felt her eyes widen. “He knew. And he did it anyway.” He ran his tongue over his teeth. “Why do you think I beat the shit of him after he popped your cherry?”
She drew in a breath of air. “You knew about that?”
“Of course I did. You guys never showed up to the after Prom party, which was my first clue. Besides, Riley had to tell someone, didn’t he? Well, he didn’t tell me, but he told Norberg, and I was right there.” He shook his head. “Fucker. And he did it just because he knew it’d piss me off.” He clenched his fist, reliving the moment. “Cocky bastard.”
In retrospect, she knew he was right. Riley was less interested in her after she had sex with him. She hadn’t known if it was because the thrill of the chase was past or because Johnny had beaten him up, but Riley definitely cooled the relationship after that. “But, Johnny, if I’d known you cared, I never would have even dated Riley. He wouldn’t have had a chance.”
Johnny exhaled. “Well, I guess I know that now.” He scooted down the sofa to be closer to Katie. His knee touched hers. “Every time I came home, I thought about telling you. But you just seemed so happy without me. Your life was so wonderful.” She scoffed. “No, it really seemed that way. You were always doing something, dating someone, working on something, doing this, that, or the other thing. You were saving the world, and I was just the clown entertaining it. You always encouraged my music, were excited for me, but it felt so...sanitary. Sisterly, I guess.” Katie started to say something, but Johnny continued. “And so I decided to play the rock star big time. If I was gonna be a rock star, I was gonna party like one, fuck like one, do drugs like one.” He sighed. “How stupid was that? I got hooked on smack more than once, and that last time, I thought it was gonna kill me. And I couldn’t quit it with my band right there doin’ the shit too. They were the worst pushers, the worst enablers. So I came home to the one person I knew I could trust, someone who loved me for who I am. You, Katie. I felt safe with you.
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