by Ellen Devlin
Later that afternoon, Emily approached Paige out of earshot of Chris and sat down with her at the kitchen table.
“Paige, this is presumptuous of me, but…if you ever need to talk to a ‘mom’ figure, well…” She paused for a moment. “I mean, I don’t have a daughter. I love my son more than life itself, but I always wondered what it would be like to have a daughter. So, well, you can call me, if you’d like. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.”
Paige was touched and felt tears prick her eyes. She had just received more motherly affection from a virtual stranger than she could recall receiving from her own mother. Ever.
“Thank you,” she said, blinking back the tears as she gave Emily a hug.
Chapter Twenty-One
Chris drove them down a gravel road into the woods, stopping when the headlights were shining on a frozen pond. He left the car running and the headlights on and got out to open Paige’s door.
“Are you sure about this?” she asked, feeling slightly wary of the rustic nature of this adventure.
“Absolutely. It hasn’t gotten above twenty degrees in weeks. It’s perfectly safe.” When she still looked suspicious, he added, “This is where I used to skate all the time. Really, Paige, it’s safe.”
He helped her with her skates and then put his own on, helping her to the surface of the ice.
“It won’t be completely smooth like an ice rink, but just relax your knees.”
She stumbled a little, saying, “Oh God, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on ice skates.”
“Hang on a second, I’ll be right back.”
“Wait! Where are you going?”
Chris sped off in a quick arc, calling back over his shoulder, “Just looking out for tripping hazards. Hang on.”
Paige took a moment to admire his athleticism, the inherent grace in the way he moved across the ice, and then smiled as he looped back around and came up behind her, putting his arm around her.
“Okay, baby, just relax. Bend your knees a little.”
“I’ll try.”
She did her best to relax, and Chris started to skate the two of them around the ice. He moved slowly at first, until she was feeling more comfortable, and then sped up a little.
“Don’t worry, baby. I won’t let you fall. Just relax and trust me.”
It was beautiful and romantic and magical, and Chris finally slowed them down near the edge of the reach of the headlights, toward the middle of the ice, and turned her to him.
Paige looked at him, her face glowing, eyes shining, and they kissed for a moment as Chris held her close.
Brushing his glove across her cheek, Chris said, “There are actually three things in my life that I have just…known. That I wanted to play in the NHL, that Micky and I would be lifelong friends,” he paused and looked at her, “and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Paige.”
In a heartbeat, her eyes went from softly focused to almost panicked, and Chris held her face in his hands, his heart suddenly racing. “Please don’t freak out. You already know that I love you, Paige. Now you know how much. I won’t pressure you, but I knew after our first date. Every moment since then has made me more certain. You’re it for me, Paige. You’re the one.”
Paige’s hands were gripping his jacket, and she felt a bit like she wanted to run; the panic was compounded by the fact that she suddenly felt trapped on the ice, felt like she was too far from the car to make it back on her own, even though she knew that wasn’t really true.
“Please, baby,” he said quietly, “don’t panic. The only thing between us that just changed is that you now know how I feel. I want you to know, Paige.”
“This is a lot, Chris. It might not feel sudden to you, but it feels really sudden to me. I need some time to process this.”
“It’s okay. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
He maneuvered them back to the shore and helped her with her skates. When they were back in the car, Paige turned to him and said, “I do love you, Chris. You know that, right?”
Smiling at her, he kissed her forehead and said, “I know, baby. Thank you.”
He held her hand as they drove back to his mother’s house, and he said a silent prayer of thanks that he started talking to her before getting down on one knee to give her the ring that was sitting in the pocket of his jacket.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“He told me he wants to marry me.” Paige had only just gotten back to the apartment and blurted this out to Liz without even a greeting.
“What? Oh my God, Paige! You’re engaged?” Liz jumped up in excitement.
“No!” Paige’s sharp response stopped Liz short. “No, I’m not. He just told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.” She sat down heavily on the couch. “That he knew after our first date that I was ‘The One.’”
“Whoa.” Liz sat down next to her to absorb this information.
Paige got up and started pacing.
“Yeah. I mean, who says that? Who even thinks that?”
Liz smiled and said gently, “He does, apparently.” Paige was clearly agitated. “You seem upset, Paige. What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” Paige replied, now moving her luggage to a different part of the living room. “Really, Liz?”
“Yes, really. Take a breath. Have a seat.” She waited until Paige sat down on the couch. “Now, what’s wrong, Paige? What’s going on in your head? The man you love just told you that he loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you, and you seem to be taking it strangely.”
Paige stood up again and resumed her pacing. “I just don’t understand why he would say that. I don’t need to change my life. I don’t need to get married. My life is fine!” She opened the fridge for no reason and then closed it again. “It’s great, actually! Job, friends…”
“…Amazing boyfriend,” Liz interrupted, and Paige gave her a frustrated look.
“This isn’t how I work.” Paige sounded adamant. “This isn’t how I do things. You know that!” She was winding up again, pacing, opening cabinets without even looking in them. “I plan! I prepare! I know what my life is going to bring! I’m not you!”
Liz paused for a moment before responding, quietly, “No, you’re not me.”
The soft response snapped Paige out of her random movements, and she turned to Liz and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Not that way.”
“I know.”
Sitting back down on the couch, Paige continued, “I just meant that you are comfortable going off script, you know? Your motto is practically, ‘Let’s just wing that mother.’”
Liz laughed and repeated, “I know, Paige. I knew what you meant.” She paused for a moment and then said, “This wasn’t any kind of ultimatum, right? It sounds like he was just telling you how he feels.”
Paige sighed. “No, it wasn’t an ultimatum. He said that nothing has changed between us except that now I know.”
“Okay, then. Nothing has changed. He still feels the same way as before, it’s just…” she searched for a word, “out now.”
Paige sat back against the cushions. “It feels like something changed, though.”
“What?”
Another sigh. “I’m not sure. I think…maybe…” She struggled to find words to express the anxiety pressing against her. “This ups the stakes. For him. For me. For what happens if or when this ends.” She must be getting close to the truth, because she felt tears starting. “He’s such a good person, Liz. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to have wasted his time with me because he decided on the spur of the moment that I’m the one for him.”
Liz had a look of concern bordering on confusion on her face. “He doesn’t strike me as a ‘spur of the moment’ kind of guy, especially not with something important.”
Paige shrugged. “Liz, he bought a house. He says it’s a good investment, but he bought a house and then asked me if I wanted to decorate it. Like ‘here’s
my credit card, go buy furniture.’”
Liz pushed, “I get it, Paige. But ‘wasted his time’ with you? Really?” She shook her head. “You know what I’m going to say.”
Reluctantly, Paige answered, “I know. Love is never wasted.”
“Love is never wasted,” Liz repeated. “No matter what. That time, those moments spent in love with someone—really in love, not lust or obsession—those moments change people. Real, honest love is transformative. It makes you somehow…larger. More connected with the world, the universe. And at the very same time it reduces your world down to that bright line connecting you to the other person. It’s a beautiful, paradoxical, incomprehensible, intangible, yet very real thing. Almost like fire, now that I’m thinking about it. It transforms what it touches. Hardens steel, changes the color of minerals, reduces wood to ashes while providing light and heat.
“That part of love—the part that makes you want to be a better person—that is never, ever wasted. No matter how the relationship ends, be it infidelity or indifference or incompatibility or ‘‘til death do you part.’ The love you shared will have shaped you. And him.”
Paige looked at her friend, taking the time to really “see” her for the first time in a long while. “Sometimes I forget you have the heart of a poet,” she said with a weak smile. “You bury it under quite a bit of profanity.”
Liz chuckled. “‘Fuck’ is the most versatile word in the English language. But you know I mean it. Trust this. Trust yourself, even if the feelings are racing faster than you feel safe. People flock to roller coasters for a reason. Enjoy the ride, Paige. Enjoy the ride.”
Paige stood up and walked over to her very best friend for a long, comforting hug.
“I know you miss him,” she whispered to Liz. She heard a sniffle and then a short laugh.
“Damn it, Paige.” Liz released her friend from the hug and wiped the stray tears away. “I was doing fine until that. You’re a pain in the ass.”
“Takes one to know one.”
“Okay, enough of this. Tell me about his mom.”
Paige couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Emily. “She’s wonderful, Liz. Compassionate. Understanding. Loving. Chris is her whole world, and he treats her so well. Their relationship is incredibly special.”
Liz smiled, pointing out, “He treats you like that too. He shows old-fashioned manners that I thought didn’t exist anymore.”
Paige smiled in return. “I know, isn’t it amazing?”
Liz got a wicked gleam in her eye and said, “I might be concerned that everything was all stodgy and old-fashioned between you two, but a certain scene involving a cheerleader outfit that is permanently burned into my retinas assures me otherwise.”
Paige’s eyes got wide and she started throwing pillows.
***
Chris hadn’t mentioned marriage again, and after a few days Paige was more relaxed, and their relationship had returned to normal, which included her spending more and more time at his apartment.
Paige was sitting on the couch with a stack of papers in front of her on the coffee table, muttering to herself while marking up the top one. Her brows were knit together in a look of frustration, and Chris heard her say, “Damn it, Jeremy,” under her breath. She got to the end of the paper, threw down her red pen, stood up, and huffed off toward the kitchen to get a glass of water.
“What’s up, baby?” Chris asked. “What’s wrong?”
Paige’s voice reflected the frustration already evident on her face.
“It’s this kid. He’s a junior this year. Basketball player, and he’s really good. He could be offered scholarships, I just know it.” She was pacing. “And he’s smart too. But now, there are girls and cars, and he’s letting his grades slip. I’m watching it happen, Chris!” Paige turned to face him. “I’m watching this smart, talented kid let an opportunity of a lifetime slip away. He’s not going to get scholarship offers without the grades to go with the talent. He’s good, but he’s going to need those grades to set him apart.”
Chris was looking at her with a kind of wonder. He took her in his arms, smoothed back her hair, and kissed her forehead, holding her close to him until he felt her tension ease.
“You are amazing, baby. You care so much. Smart, kind, beautiful,” he tilted her chin up to look at him and continued, “and sexy. I’m the luckiest man in the world, Paige.”
She sighed and leaned against his strong frame again.
“Thank you, Chris,” she murmured. “I always feel better when you hold me. It’s like you’re some kind of trouble sponge.” She snaked her arms around to hold him tighter. “You hold me and soak up all of the trouble, leaving me feeling better.” She sighed. “It’s like I can shut off the worrying part of my brain for a while and just…feel.”
“I feel that way with you too. It’s like your arms are home, Paige.”
She tilted her head up to look at him, a small smile on her face, almost wistful.
Feeling a tad self-conscious, he asked, “Is that corny?”
She shook her head and then nuzzled her face against his chest again. “No. It’s sweet. And wonderful.” She peeked up at him again. “And okay, maybe it’s a little corny, but that’s one of the things I love about you.”
He sighed and held her just a little tighter.
“Hey, baby, I’ve been wanting to ask you something.”
She hummed a contented noise against his chest and asked, “What’s up?”
Chris looked down and cupped her face in his hand before saying, “So, I’m expecting the house to be ready sometime soon, and I’m thinking about moving in at the end of the season.” He moved his other hand to fully frame her face. He had thought carefully about how to ask this, not wanting to spook her. “Whenever you’re ready, I would love for you to move in with me, Paige.”
He felt her stiffen a bit, and he repeated, “Whenever you’re ready, baby,” and leaned down to kiss her forehead.
“It’s just…” Paige was fighting the panicky feeling that was trying to force its way in. “I mean…I don’t think it’s a good time yet.”
Chris smiled and kissed her on the nose. “That’s why I said ‘whenever you’re ready.’”
“I don’t think I should leave Liz on her own. Not yet.” At Chris’s confused look, she said, “After Jimmy died, she was a wreck. I got us an apartment together so she wouldn’t be living alone.”
Chris cuddled her against his chest. “Of course you did. You took care of her.”
“She’s my best friend. We have been through some really hard things together. She would have done the same for me.”
Chris pushed back again to look at her. “I don’t doubt that for one minute. She seems to be doing really well now. She is, right? Or is that all a front?”
Paige smiled and said, “No, it’s not a front. She’s doing well. Trust me, she’s not that good an actress. And ‘subtle’ is not a word I would use to describe her.”
Chris laughed out loud and said, “True, but without her lack of subtlety, I probably would never have had the nerve to ask you out. So she’s a hero in my book.”
“Mine too. But I don’t feel it’s the right time to move out.” There was more to it than that, but she didn’t want to talk about it. She wasn’t even sure that she understood her feelings about it.
“I understand.” Chris kissed her again, slowly and gently. “Whenever you’re ready, baby.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
A few days later, they were at Paige’s apartment.
“This road trip is the longest one of the season,” Chris said, holding Paige close to him. “It’s eleven days, including travel. I won’t be back until Thursday after next, but I will be home by the afternoon. Are you free that night?”
Paige thought for a moment and then looked up at him. “No. Shoot, that’s the start of the senior trip I’m chaperoning that I told you about.”
Chris muttered, “Damn,” under his breath.
“I’ve done it the past three years. It’s been easy for me, because I don’t have kids of my own to worry about, and I committed to it a long time ago.”
“I know,” he replied, “I’m not upset about that.” He tilted her chin up gently to look in her eyes. “It’s just that we’re only at home two days until we leave for another five day roadie.”
“Oh.” Her shoulders sank. “Damn.”
“Exactly. I’m not going to see you for a long time, baby. I’m going to miss you.”
They kissed, lingering, and Paige let her fingertips play in the soft, short hair at the back of his neck. He gave a little shiver and chuckled.
“I love when you do that.”
“I love the way that hair feels. Like a soft little baby duck,” she replied, continuing to stroke his neck gently.
Tightening his arms around her waist for a moment, Chris said, “Hey, can I ask a favor?”
“Of course. What’s up?”
Chris gently cupped her cheek with his hand, stroking her face with his thumb and looking at her in a way that made her heart beat faster.
“Would you stay at my apartment a night or two while I’m gone?”
The request seemed oddly inconsistent with the way he was looking at her.
“Sure, honey. Are you worried about something?”
“No,” he said, dipping his head down for a kiss. “I just want my bed to smell like you when I’m home for those two days.” He rubbed his cheek along her face, burying his nose into her hair and breathing in the scent of her. “Would you mind?”
“Not at all,” she said, taking the opportunity to rub her face along his strong chest. “I love the way you smell too. It reminds me of summer, even though you play on the ice all the time.”
He chuckled and sighed. “Anything that smells the least bit like vanilla makes me think of you now. It can be very distracting to walk around in a bakery.” With a rough whisper, he added, “Everything about you feels like home, Paige.” He pushed away with a quick glance at the clock. “I have to go, baby. I love you. See you as soon as we can manage.”
