by Ellen Devlin
“I still find it amazing that you consider yourself shy, Chris,” she said as they were sipping cocktails. “You seem to be a complete natural at this sort of thing.” She took a moment to appreciate just how handsome he was. “And you look incredible in a tux.”
His smile was genuine, and she felt that little flutter in her chest.
“Thank you. I have worked really hard at handling the social part of being in the pros. It didn’t come naturally at first, so that’s a huge compliment, baby. I really appreciate it.”
He paused for a moment, suddenly looking slightly shy, and took her hand, looking down at her fingers. “I’ve always kinda hoped that maybe, when I’m done playing, I might be able to get into the broadcasting side of things.”
He glanced up at her. She looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, with all sincerity, “Chris, I think you’d be great at that.”
“Really?” He sounded hopeful.
“Really. I mean it. I think you would be amazing.”
Picking up her hand and kissing her knuckles, he said, “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” He smiled at her for a moment before adding, “By the way, you are, by far, the most beautiful woman in the room. But I knew that before we even got here.”
She had already met a few of the other wives and girlfriends who were there, so she had people to stand with while Chris and the other players took care of their team-related duties. Paige was impressed again at how easily they accepted her and how kind and welcoming they were.
Chris held her hand in the car on their way back to his apartment, gently stroking the back of her hand with his thumb.
“Thank you for coming with me.”
“You’re very welcome, Chris. I had fun.”
A few minutes later, he added quietly, “You know, you do belong.”
She looked at him questioningly.
“I just sometimes get the feeling that you think, maybe, that you don’t.” He grimaced a bit. “I’m not saying this very well.”
She squeezed his hand and said, “I think I understand. And thank you.”
He looked over at her briefly. “I can’t tell if you believe me or not.”
She didn’t answer, and he let it go. He twined his fingers through hers and just held her hand.
Chapter Twenty-Six
They stayed at Paige’s apartment the weekend that Liz went to North Carolina for her rescheduled visit with her friend. Before leaving, she had solemnly vowed to them that she wouldn’t return until Sunday night, no matter what.
She ended with, “So, Paige, cheer your heart out!” before racing out the door ahead of the incoming pillow thrown by Paige. They could hear her laughing from the hallway.
***
“What do you mean ‘trade deadline’? I thought all of the players had contracts,” Paige asked while sipping on a glass of wine. They had just finished cleaning up after dinner at her apartment and now were just sitting together, talking about their lives.
Chris had mentioned the upcoming trade deadline in passing, but Paige had stopped to question him about it.
“We do all have contracts. But the teams can decide to trade to get players they feel they need to make a run at the playoffs. Or, on the other hand, if teams are definitely not in the running this season, they can trade players to get more draft picks or minor league prospects that look promising for the future.”
“But you have a contract, right? With the Guardians.” She pressed him harder on this point. “That’s what you told me, that you’re in the second year of an eight-year contract.”
“Yes,” he replied. “And I want to be here the whole eight years. I love this team.” He paused and looked at her. “And you. I love being here with you. But my contract isn’t a one hundred percent guarantee that I won’t get traded.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” she said, shaking her head. “What’s the point of having a contract if you can still just be traded away? I mean, that makes it sound like players are baseball cards or lunch snacks.” She was starting to get upset.
“If there’s a trade, the new team takes on the player’s contract, so that there’s no financial loss for the player,” he tried to explain. “The contract is to make sure that players don’t suddenly get cut, or traded, without being paid.”
“No financial loss to the player, maybe. But picking up and moving? With no notice?” This was clearly affecting her more than Chris thought it would. “Players have families too. What about their kids? This sounds completely crazy. Does this really happen?”
“Well, yeah, it does. There aren’t tons of trades each year, but players do get traded, and they move to their new city to finish off the season.” Chris was trying to be matter-of-fact about this.
“Just like that?”
“Kind of, yeah. Just like that. It’s the way that all pro sports work.”
“Really?” She was agitated now. “Tennis? How about golf? I don’t see golf players traded to wherever the hell someone else wants them to be.”
“Those are both individual sports, Paige. Football, basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer…they all have trade deadlines, and players can be moved from team to team.” He was trying to be soothing, trying to calm her down. Chris reached out for her hand, but she pulled away from him, and he started to feel concerned.
“Oh my God, you just don’t get it, do you?”
“I can see that you’re upset, baby. This is the way that hockey works. In the minors, players can be switched back and forth too, sometimes even between minor league teams in the same feeder structure. And there are guys who sign two-way contracts with the AHL and NHL every year—they play in Hershey just hoping they’ll be called to DC on a moment’s notice, because it’s an amazing opportunity to be in an NHL game.” He reached out again to hold her hand. “Even if it’s just to sub in for an injured player. Even if they get sent right back down to the minors again because the player is back. Any minor league player would gladly hop a flight right this minute if they thought they were going to get a chance at the NHL level.”
She stared at him as if he had lost his mind.
“So you’d be fine with this?” she asked, incredulous. “You’d be fine if you were traded in the next few weeks?”
He didn’t know how to answer.
“No, of course not. I wouldn’t be fine. I don’t want to leave DC. I love it here. This team has fantastic chemistry, and God knows I wouldn’t want to leave you in the middle of the school year when you couldn’t come with me right away. But I don’t think they’re looking to trade me, Paige.”
“Oh my God, Chris. You really just don’t understand.”
“No, I’m not sure that I do.” He took a breath, thinking, trying to explain. “My window for playing professionally is limited, Paige. It’s finite. There’s an end date…there is for all players, as much as none of us want to think about it. Aside from a career-ending injury…” Paige blanched, “…there’s simply a limit as to how old you can be and still play in a way that is of value to your team. Sometimes that’s when the trades happen.” She was getting paler. “When a player is getting closer to the end of his career, sometimes he’ll be traded a few times, to teams that need his specific skill set for a year or two or for a playoff run.
“Every player wants to play as long as possible. I’ve worked my whole life for this; I don’t want to give it up. So, if that means I get traded to another team, well, I’ll go. So I can keep playing. But baby, I would want you to come with me.”
“So, there comes a time when players are moving every year?” Paige had stood up to put her empty wineglass on the counter and hadn’t sat back down.
“Sometimes, but baby, that’s years down the road. We can work this out. And there’s a need for good teachers everywhere.”
“This is insane.” She had started pacing.
“It’s sports. It’s the way the game is played. Literally.” He was still feeling slightly ill about this whole conversation
.
“I can’t do this.” Her anxiety was clear in her voice, and she was gesturing with her hands while continuing to pace.
Chris felt sudden pressure in his chest.
“Can’t do what?” He didn’t want to ask the question, but he had to.
“This. This lifestyle. This craziness. I can’t function not knowing where I would be living from year to year. Why did you even bother to buy a house?”
“Baby…” Chis stood up and walked toward her, trying to calm her, but she interrupted, continuing to pace.
“You don’t understand!” Paige was beginning to raise her voice. “I have a great life here. I love it here. I make a difference here. I love my school. I love the teachers and the rest of the staff. I love my students! I love…”
“Me?”
He asked it very softly, but it stopped her in her tracks, and she spun to face him and choked on a sob.
She whispered, “Yes…” Tears were forming in her eyes.
“But.” There was no questioning in his voice. He felt the qualification that was coming and steeled himself as if he were watching a punch heading for his gut.
“Chris, please…” Paige took a step toward him, realizing suddenly where this conversation was heading.
“But it’s not enough.” His voice was harsh and gravelly. It was the best he could do; he could feel tears threatening, and he didn’t want to go down that road.
“Chris…”
He closed his eyes for a moment, bracing himself for the next step. Opening his eyes again, he took her hands in his and looked her in the eye.
“Paige, stop. Don’t say anything more. I get it.”
“But…”
“Stop. Please.” Paige was quiet. “I love you, Paige. I love you, and I want a life with you. That’s simply not going to change; I know you don’t understand that, but it’s true. You are in my heart, and that’s not going to go away, not ever.” He paused a moment. “You just told me that you love me. Is that true?”
She nodded, tears in her eyes.
“You’re sure?” His voice was rough again as he pressed her to answer. “I need to know, Paige. It’s important.”
On a broken sob, and sounding a little frustrated, Paige said, “Yes, it’s true. I love you, Chris. But…”
He put his fingertips on her lips to stop her from saying more and then continued quietly.
“Then here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to give you your space. I’m going to walk away right now and give you the space you need, for as long as you need it.” He saw her start to cry, and he felt his own heart breaking but continued, pushing through the lump in his throat. “But I’m not giving up. Unless and until you tell me you don’t love me, I’m not giving up on this, on us.
“I know we are meant to be together, Paige. I know it.” He wasn’t sure anymore that he was going to make it through this without breaking down. “So I’m going to do what I do, and I’m going to chase my dreams. And that’s you. A life together with you is my dream. I will give you your space, but I’m not going away.”
Paige was crying and looked a bit confused.
Chris summoned every last bit of courage he had, put his hands on either side of her face, drew her to him gently, and kissed her softly, lingering, trying to savor the feeling of electricity between them, not knowing when he would feel it again.
And then turned and walked away before she could see the tears that were starting.
Paige stood, stunned, as the door closed behind him, not fully understanding what had just happened. They had just broken up? Maybe? They were at least taking a break in their relationship.
But he doesn’t understand. I can’t do this.
Then again, she wasn’t sure she understood. Sadness and confusion gave way to a kind of grief, and she sat on the couch and let herself cry.
***
Chris sat in his car, trying to breathe past the feeling of panic gripping him, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He wasn’t sure he had done the right thing, except he knew that letting her break up with him was absolutely the wrong thing, and it was clear that was where the conversation had been headed.
He had no idea how to navigate this. He had sounded very sure of himself when he walked away from Paige, but the truth was it had been a kind of Hail Mary pass to keep her from shutting the door on their relationship. As long as it hadn’t ended for certain, and as long as he knew that she loved him, there was hope.
Chris put his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes, steadying his breathing. When he had calmed down a bit, he started the car to drive home.
Instinct had him dialing the phone before he even realized what he was doing.
“Hey, Becks, what’s up?”
“Fuck.” Chris shook his head. “Fuck, Micky, I didn’t even realize I was calling you. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Five hundred miles away in Montreal, Micky sat up straight, worry creasing his face. “Becks, where are you? What’s wrong? What’s going on?”
“She wants to end it.” The brutality of what he was saying finally hit him. He choked on the words and pulled the car over into a parking lot, realizing he wasn’t able to keep driving.
“Oh, shit. Becks?” Micky heard a sob on the other end of the line. “Becks, are you there?” One more choking sob. “Talk to me, Becks. Please.”
A few deep breaths and Chris said, “Yeah, I’m here. Fuck me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”
“Bullshit. That’s bullshit. I’m exactly who you should have called.”
The vehemence in his voice brought a small smile to Chris’s face.
“Talk to me, Becks. Tell me what happened.”
So he did, and they talked about it—well, Chris talked, and Micky mostly cursed.
“And after all of that, you still want this, Becks? Really?”
Chris sighed and responded, “More than anything, Micky. Fuck, almost more than playing.”
Another curse from Micky, followed by a gruff, “Don’t you dare quit for a woman. Don’t you fucking dare.”
“Shit, Mick, I’m not gonna quit. I’m just fucking wrecked right now.”
“Okay.” There was a longish pause before Micky continued, “I mean it, though. You call me if you are ever thinking of that shit again, right? You have worked your whole fucking life for this career, Becks.”
“I know. I’m not gonna quit.” With a rough edge to his voice, he added, “But goddamn it, Micky, I’ve waited my whole fucking life for her.”
Micky sighed and simply said, “I’m here for you, brother. You know that.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Mick. I’ll be okay.”
***
When Liz got back to the apartment, Paige was curled up on the couch, asleep. She awoke as Liz finished getting her stuff in from her weekend in North Carolina.
“Hey.”
“Hi, Paige. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Liz sat down on the couch and looked at her friend curiously. Paige almost never napped, and it was a rare thing to find her asleep on the couch. “Are you feeling okay?”
Paige sat up, stretched, and rubbed her eyes. “Yes.” She thought a moment and then said, “No. No, I’m not okay.”
Liz was startled by the sight of tears in her eyes. “Paige, what’s wrong?” she asked worriedly.
Paige said, “We broke up.”
Liz stared at her. “What?” She shook her head. “No…what?”
“We broke up. I think.”
“You think? I don’t understand, Paige.” Liz moved in to give her a hug, and Paige started crying.
“He wants a commitment, Liz. He wants more than I can give him. He could be traded, and that would mean moving God-knows-where, and I can’t. I have a life here. Everything I’ve been working and planning for in my life is here.” Paige paused for a moment and then got up and went to get headache medicine and a glass of water. “God, my head is p
ounding.”
“He broke up with you because you wouldn’t commit?”
Paige sat back down again. “No.”
“He broke up with you because of something else? What happened?”
“No…”
Liz looked confused and then said, “Wait, Paige…did you break up with him?” Paige sniffled, and Liz whispered, “Oh, shit.”
“It’s too fast, Liz. And it’s too much, and I can’t give him what he wants, and I don’t want that lifestyle. I don’t belong.”
“What lifestyle?” Liz asked carefully. She didn’t want to upset Paige more than she already was but wanted to understand what her friend was thinking.
Paige waved her hand, saying, “The whole thing. The pro-athlete, in-the-news, life-is-not-your-own thing. The uncertainty. The scrutiny.”
Liz sighed, feeling the press of Paige’s sadness. “So, what happened? Do you want to talk about it?”
Paige sniffled a little. “We were talking about how contracts worked and how it was possible for him to be traded even though he has a contract, and I just…I couldn’t take it, Liz.” She shrugged. “I told him that I need to be here and that everything I love is here…” She gave a short sob. “And then he asked if I loved him…and I said yes…and then he said, ‘But.’” Paige looked at Liz, eyes starting to well up again.
Once again, Liz whispered, “Oh, shit…”
“Yeah.”
“Paige…” Her heart was breaking for her friend but also for Chris.
“So he said he’s going to give me space but that he won’t give up unless I tell him that I don’t love him. But that doesn’t even make sense, because he could be gone by the trade deadline.” She choked out a sob. “Or next year, or whenever the team decides they don’t want him anymore, and I can’t live my life like that.” Another choking sob and then she just sat and cried.
Liz hugged her again. “Oh, Paige. I’m so sorry.”
A few minutes later, she sniffled and then sighed. “Thank you. I’m sorry too.” She sat back again and then stood up. “I’m going to take a shower and go to bed. I don’t even understand how we left things. I’m confused and tired, and my head hurts.”
