by ML Nystrom
“How are they?” he asked, his voice low.
I smiled at him. Of course, his first words were about the kids. “They’re fine. Upstairs right now in my bedroom surrounded by furry bodies. You can take a look if you want, but careful of the third and fourth steps. They squeak pretty bad and you might wake them up.”
He stepped lightly and slowly as we made our way to the upper floor. I had a brain flash to the last time he was here. He had been the first man in my bedroom since my husband. Warmth buzzed through me at the thought, but I knew this was neither the time nor really the place, as there were kids and dogs in there at the moment.
Cody lay on his side against Sam’s back, one arm still flung over the dog’s body. Sam cracked open an eye when we looked in but just grunted and settled himself again. Michelle was on the other side, corralled by Zeke. Dion was flopped at the foot of the bed. I smiled at the sight. What could be better or safer than to be surrounded by a pack of loyal canine guardians?
I leaned over and whispered, “You can’t get more secure than that.”
Blue didn’t say anything, just turned the old-fashioned diamond glass knob and closed the door as quietly as he could. He motioned to go back downstairs.
“Are you okay with them staying here? I can wake them up and take them to my place if that’s better for you,” he whispered low.
I shook my head. “No need. They’re fine where they are. I think the dogs are enjoying having them as well. You’re welcome to stay here and be with them in the morning. I have plenty of rooms and the beds are already made up.”
He looked like he wanted to take me up on the offer but sighed and closed his eyes, pinching across them with his thumb and index fingers.
“I can’t. It wouldn’t look right, even though your mother is here. I can’t take any chances on the next court hearing. I found Jonelle at the beer tent with her boyfriend. She’d been drinking and got into a fight with someone. They’re both at the jail drying out now. It’s gonna be real cute tomorrow when my kids find out their daddy arrested their mama again. There’s no way she’ll keep that to herself and not take the first opportunity she can to share it with the kids. Fuck! I’m so tired of this bullshit!”
I felt the pain coming from him in waves. I hated that I had to add to it, but I had to tell him about Michelle’s line of questioning. He leaned back and looked at the ceiling.
“Fuck,” he repeated in a whisper, and closed his eyes. I could see wetness forming at the corners. “My little girl,” he breathed. “That’s my little girl.”
How in all that is holy can this man deal with what life is handing him? “It’s not your fault or your problem what Jonelle does. She’s a big girl and can make her own decisions. She also has to accept the consequences of those decisions and that’s not your problem. I’m sure this latest gambit of hers will backfire and, at the court hearing, you’ll get your kids back. I’ll be glad to help in any way and I’m sure my parents will as well.”
Blue looked at me, his eyes unfocused and strange, and opened his arms wide in invitation.
I smiled and stepped into them.
Blue was at his breaking point. His life was such a roller coaster of emotions he felt he was losing his mind. His reality had become one of constant out-of-control chaos. The leads for the drug line had either come up empty or were being hidden by the club as they closed ranks, wanting to mete out their own form of justice. The sheriff was turning a blind eye to the happenings in town, which made the investigation even harder. He suspected his ex-wife was using again and he prayed she wouldn’t become another overdose victim and put his kids through that hell. He didn’t trust this new boyfriend of hers and the kids were getting more and more closed off every time he saw them. And now this mess. If something didn’t get resolved soon, he thought he would snap and find himself looking at the bottom of a bottle to escape.
Psalm was the only constant calm in his life. She was the eye in the storm, the cool serenity that helped keep him sane. Her quiet words of support helped him keep the composure he needed so desperately to fight for his kids and his life.
He needed her more than he ever thought he would need anyone, and as selfish as he thought it seemed, he was going to take as much as she had to offer.
She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her full body to him, laying her head at his shoulder just under his neck. He nearly groaned and drew his own arms around her back and shoulders, pulling her closer. Her quiet strength was undoing him. The unconditional support, the comfort of her touch, it was almost more than he could take. His eyes closed as he put his nose to her hair and drew in the scent of jasmine.
“My door is always open for you,” she whispered softly. He could feel her breath against his skin.
If she had stopped touching him then, if she had let him go, he might have been able to walk away. Instead, she leaned up and pressed her lips to his jaw, just below his ear. It was nothing more than a quick friendly peck, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
He broke.
His mouth slammed down on hers. She hesitated for a brief moment before opening her mouth and he dove in, their tongues tangling. Her taste was intoxicating, clean, sweet. He lost his fingers in her hair, moved her head to a better angle, and deepened the kiss. He needed this and took more and more. She didn’t protest or pull away. She gave as he demanded, meeting his mouth and tongue with her own, her arms still around him, holding on.
He wrapped an arm around her lower back and pressed her body to his, feeling the softness of her breasts crushing into his chest. His hands lowered to her ass and he grasped a firm cheek in either hand, lifted her to the counter and spread her thighs to maneuver between them. She opened them wide and cradled his hips, hooking one leg behind him. He pushed his hardness into the well of her thighs, seeking her warmth and her wetness. His dick was up, hard and wanting more, aching for it. He could feel her wanting to give it. He could feel her….
He ripped his mouth from hers and jerked away. He spun around and planted two fists on the work table, his arms rigid as he fought for control. He wanted to bury himself in her soft, willing body so much he could taste his own need. Too much shit in his life, too much to focus on and fix for him to start something he wasn’t sure he could finish. His heart was torn in so many places, he wasn’t sure it was fixable and it was not fair to Psalm to use her and not give her more. She was not that kind of woman. She was the kind of woman you came home to on a nightly basis for dinner, talked about your workday, shared burdens, worshipped her body every night and thanked God every day that she was yours. He’d tried having that once and now his life was in complete turmoil. He wasn’t sure he could ever find it in him to go down that road again.
He really wanted it to happen again. Over and over and over. So much so he didn’t trust himself to turn and look in her direction, afraid if he saw her still sitting on the counter, legs open to him, lips swollen and red from his mouth, he would forget his resolve and spend the night buried inside her softness.
He growled and slammed his fist on the counter one last time before stomping out of the back door. “Lock this behind me,” he snapped. Four minutes later, he was on his bike, roaring out of town to the bluffs, desperately seeking the peace he knew he would never find.
He reached his spot on the bluffs, turned off the bike, and stood watching the town lights twinkle. The holidays were coming, which meant more tourists for the railroad, and already Christmas decorations were up. The quaint little town would be a picture-perfect Norman Rockwell painting, yet Blue couldn’t help thinking what a lie that was. Underneath the façade was a cesspool of lies, cheating, and drug abuse. He was still fighting, but he was so tired and the weight of his responsibilities was crushing him. He fumbled in his pocket looking for a cigarette and cursed when he didn’t find one. He looked down at the Bowers house where his children were sleeping safe, at least for now, and Psalm, the woman he wanted so much but couldn’t have.
&
nbsp; Why not? I love her.
He pushed out the thought almost the second he had it, but it still burrowed like a worm into his brain. There was no peace up here on the bluffs tonight. He mounted his bike, deciding to head to the gym. Perhaps a few hours of heavy lifting and punching the bag would help. His phone chirped a text before he started the engine. He sighed and swiped open the screen on the annoying device only to raise his eyebrows at the message. For the first time, he saw a glimmer of hope.
Fifteen
Blue didn’t pick up the kids the next morning. Betsey did, stating Blue was busy at the jailhouse dealing with Jonelle’s bail. Apparently, her parents had shown up and fronted the money to get her and her boyfriend Billy out of jail. The kids would have to go back to her unless there was a forced emergency hearing for custody. That wasn’t going to happen on a Sunday afternoon. Betsey’s eyes were red and swollen from her own weeping, but she put on a cheery face for the kids as she loaded them in the car. Cody talked about Sam and how smart he was. Michelle talked about biscuits and how you were supposed to make them with buttermilk. The only glitch was when Betsey tried to leave, Cody threw a huge tantrum about leaving Sam. Betsey ended up taking the dog with her just to keep the peace.
“I got an empty dog run in the backyard. Doghouse in there is old, but it’s still in good shape. It’ll do for a night or two. Cody, you can see Sam from your window?”
Cody didn’t like the idea of Sam being outside, but Betsey was firm about not having a dog in her house. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but he would be sheltered and close to his favorite little boy, and that took precedence at the moment.
My mom had been up since the crack of dawn and was keeping herself busy in the kitchen cleaning out my refrigerator and complaining about the expired food. I just sat and ached. My head ached, my gut ached, and my heart ached. I texted Blue to let him know the kids were picked up and heading to the Lair with their grandmother. He didn’t text back.
Today was Sunday, my official day off, and I packed up the dogs and my mom to get her back home and tried to get back to my routine. I was on a roller coaster of emotions and getting out of town was one way I could get myself settled. Or at least I thought so. I spent the day at my parents’ house, puttering with my mom in the kitchen, helping her with canning up the last of the pole beans and winter squash from the garden. She could tell my heart wasn’t in it but didn’t say anything to me.
The ride home was somber and the dogs were whiney. Buddy was set to go to a new home in a few days and I was not particularly ready to let him go just yet. Zeke was wheezing a lot and I expected he was getting a doggie cold. My house felt empty and dead for the first time since I bought it. The windows in Blue’s apartment across the street were still dark, as they had been all night last night.
I didn’t really feel like going through my pamper night, but I forced myself to do it. I had a new hair mask recipe I wanted to try, one that could be made to market instead of just make-as-you-go. I was in my workroom area wearing my fluffy bathrobe mixing the ingredients when a knock on my door made me jump. I looked up, already knowing who I would see. There was only one person in the world who would knock on my door at this hour of the night. Blue spotted me through the filmy curtains of my back door window. His eyes opened in complete shock and he burst out laughing so hard I almost didn’t let him in. I wished I could’ve scowled at him, but the clay mask on my face had already hardened some and would start cracking. My hair at least didn’t have the oil mess in it yet and was up in a towel wrap on top of my head.
“Holy fuck!” he hooted as I opened the door, doubling over to catch his breath. “You look like a B-rated movie monster. What the hell is that stuff?”
“Face mud mask every Sunday,” I said with as much brute force as I could. The hard mask was immobile and any movement pulled at my face. “Helps to tighten skin and prevent wrinkles.” I had spent the last twenty-four hours going over and over in my head about Blue Davis blowing hot and cold. One minute kissing me like he couldn’t let me go, and the next minute he shoved me away like a pariah. I was getting sick of it, but I still couldn’t find it in me to abandon him.
He guffawed again. “If I had to put that mess on my face, I may just take the wrinkles.” He went off into more peals and this time my face split with his mirth, the clay cracking open and flaking off.
“It’s not that funny,” I complained, losing my battle not to smile. “Now it’s ruined!”
“Yes, it is, baby. Believe me, it’s fucking hilarious!” He wiped at his eyes and stood up straight, still chuckling at my appearance. “Oh, Jesus H. Christ, I needed that.”
I rolled my eyes but was secretly thrilled to see his merriment. If I could get him to smile like that by wearing a clay facial mask, I’d put one on every day.
“How much longer you gotta wear that shit?” he gasped out.
I sniffed, not quite ready to completely let go of my ire. “Since it’s cracked now, I can rinse it off anytime.”
“Well go do that, baby, and get some warm clothes on. We’re going for a ride.”
I blinked at the one-eighty degree turn of the man in front of me. I could get whiplash, as many times as he’d flipped. “We’re what?”
He stopped all his gleeful noise and gazed seriously into my eyes. Something was different. “I’m taking you for a ride tonight. Go get changed.”
I studied him for a moment. He was ordering again, not asking, which bugged the snot out of me sometimes. The bathtub was full and ready, my eBook reader next to it. My pamper night was calling my name.
“Give me ten minutes,” I said, moving to the stairs. It took me just five before I was back downstairs, hair down, face cleaned off, dressed in jeans, a sweatshirt, and tennis shoes. He handed me my jacket and mittens before leading me outside to his bike and putting a full-face helmet on my head, fastening the buckle under my chin. He put on his own helmet and mounted the massive bike, kicking up the stand and motioning me to get behind him. I had never been on one before but had watched club women make this maneuver and thought I did well for a beginner. I clasped his waist in my hands, but he grabbed them and pulled me closer, snuggling me up against his warm back and thighs. He placed my hands across his hard stomach and I felt his muscles move as he started the bike and shifted it into the street.
“Hang on, baby,” he said before we took off. The cold wind cut through my jeans and worked its way beneath the collar of my jacket. I shivered against Blue’s back and laid my head on his shoulder to keep from clacking my helmet against his. Despite the extreme discomfort, I felt exhilarated. The movement of man and machine was flawless and his command of the beast had me twitching in my seat, suppressing the urge to grind against him. I groaned out loud, thinking he couldn’t really hear me, but apparently he could as he moved his leather-gloved hand to cover mine as they gripped him tight.
We were traveling up a short mountain road, gliding through switchbacks several times before we left the pavement and started driving slower on a narrow gravel pathway. I knew we were on the bluffs, but I hadn’t been through this particular part. He stopped at a wider area and cut off the bike’s engine. He motioned for me to get off and he kicked down the stand for the bike, propping it gently. The air was cooler and quieter here. Not many insects twittered this time of year. It was as if the mountain was preparing for its winter sleep.
Blue took my helmet and I missed its heat on my head. He grabbed my hand and walked us closer to the edge of the bluff. We could see the whole town, its few street lights shining in the dark night. Off in the distance, on the top of another bluff, I spotted a bunch of lights indicating a large building. The famed Dragon Runners Lair. I shivered as the cold bit into me. My parents would say I’d grown soft, being as at this time of night I was usually ensconced in my second tub of hot water. Blue came up behind me and put his arms around me, enfolding me in his large warm body and leather jacket. I curled up and reveled in the heat.
I stayed silent,
waiting for him to tell me why he’d brought me here. Why was he suddenly being so attentive? The line between friends and something more had been blurred more than once and I’d sworn that I would accept whatever he had to say and deal with any hurt privately. I let go of any residual anger I had at him. First and foremost, I would be his friend, and if that was all this was, then I would handle it, even if I lost a little piece of my heart as a result. Having him in my life in any capacity was worth it to me.
He buried his cold nose against my neck and I yelped and jumped.
“You always smell good. Like sunshine,” he commented, ignoring my surprise.
I laid my arms on top of his as they held me around my waist. He fit me closer to him and I could feel his hard body pressing against my back. I shivered in the cold. “Is there a reason you really wanted to come up here tonight instead of staying in a nice warm house?” I could feel the tension getting denser in the air and began stroking my hands over his thick forearms.
“I come here often, as it’s my private spot to think and sort things out in my head. I can see the whole town from here. It reminds me of who I am and why I do what I do. Sometimes I need that reminder.”
He paused and I felt him press his lips against the point behind my ear. He spoke against my neck, his warm breath sending a different kind of shiver down my spine. “I needed to talk to you and tell you some pretty heavy stuff. This was the first place I thought of. Never brought anyone here before. You’re the first person I’ve ever shared this spot with. Not Jonelle. Not even with the kids. I know it’s cold up here this time of year, but this is where I get my head clearest. Make sense?”
