But I had been away from Jude so long and I had missed him so deeply. It had been a physical ache in my heart and now it was an ache all over. My head, which I usually listened to, told me to let go and laugh it off. But for once, my head wasn’t listening, and I pulled Jude a little closer, my eyes dropping to his mouth.
Please.
Jude…
“Way, way too long,” Jude murmured. I could read the desire in him, it was practically radiating out of his pores and I pressed up against him but it was Jude who ducked his head and kissed me, the two of us melting into each other like we knew each other’s bodies so perfectly well and in some sense, I think we did.
I had not kissed Jude since a New Years party four years ago and that had only been because we had no one else to kiss at the time and even that kiss had been something like magic to me, even if it meant nothing to him. But this kiss, for whatever reason, was something like fireworks and I felt like the heat inside me was rushing through my entire body as Jude pulled away just enough to nudge my mouth open, his arms encircling me.
Jude…
I remembered him being a good kisser but my knees were weak as he swept me up and his tongue licked into my mouth. His lips were hot and soft and then firm. He seemed able to take total control of the kiss and at the same time back off just enough to make me chase him. I was helpless in his arms and my legs buckled but then he was picking me up off the ground, half carrying me as he walked me backwards.
Why was this happening now? I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I only wanted more as he pressed me up against the door to the stairs and I clutched at his back, feeling the heat of his skin through his t-shirt and his body that I knew so well. He’d put on a little more muscle but otherwise he was nearly as familiar to me as me. Even if we didn’t sleep together, we knew each other like the backs of our own hands.
We leaned against the door, heatedly making out and pressed up against each other until Jude pulled back a little and I felt dizzy. If he hadn’t been holding me up, I might have fallen to the ground.
“Sierra, are you… I….” He licked his lips and whatever he was going to say about how this couldn’t be more than what it was in the moment was not what I wanted to hear, so I kissed him again, cutting him off.
“Don’t talk,” I said against his mouth, my palms sliding up and down his back. The one and only time we had been together at all, we had been so young. But Jude was a man now and his man’s body was enfolding me, promising me the kind of ecstasy I’d only ever fantasized about. “Don’t talk about it, Jude. Just take me to bed.” I kissed him once and his lips slid slowly over mine, the heat and pressure building up and making me desperate for some release. “Just take me to bed. Please.”
Sometimes Jude listened and sometimes he didn’t but he followed my request and didn’t speak now as he hooked his arm under my legs and picked me up like I weighed nothing and I saw the look in his dark eyes that was as heated as I felt.
Jude’s place was the top floor which meant he only had to climb down one flight of stairs to get to his door but I was still both turned on and impressed by how easily and swiftly he managed it while carrying me in his arms. At his actual door, he fumbled with his keys for a moment and I saw him seem almost nervous, his breath short and his eyelashes fluttering as he finally threw the door open and let us in, stalking over to his bed. behind a brick partition in the back of his loft. I’d slept in Jude’s bed plenty of times for one reason or another or because I was taking care of him while he was sick or I was sleeping one off in our wilder days.
But everything felt inherently different now as he tossed me into the bed and I bounced gently as I kicked off my shoes, our eyes locked on each other.
Jude took off his shirt, and I gasped a little at the sight of his broad chest. He’d always been relatively smooth but now he had a thicker thatch of dark chest hair than I could remember ever seeing before, the muscles he’d been developing thicker, his abdomen rippling as he breathed, hovering over me.
“Are you sure?” Jude said as he kicked off his shoes and knelt on the bed.
“Yes,” I whispered. I was so sure, I was a little embarrassed by just how sure I was.
I squirmed on the bed. Jude always had the silkiest bedding. The both of us were used to luxurious things but I could swear he had his linens custom made or shipped in from some remote place where they were made by hand by some artisan of comfort. His duvet was so soft on my skin and I sighed, pressing back into it, full of anticipation, my clit already throbbing.
I was wearing a summery yellow skirt and a thin white t-shirt and I spread my legs, looking up at Jude, encouraging him.
It was crazy that we were doing this and I knew that and right now I couldn’t sum up the will to care as Jude’s hands slid up the back of calves and he pushed up my skirt. My heart hammered in my chest and I hated the lump that grew in my throat, tears threatening to spill for my eyes.
I was horny as hell, sure. It was crude, but it was the truth. Flying with Jude after so long away had aroused me like nothing else, but that didn’t mean my feelings weren’t in the way.
This was Jude. If I was honest with myself, he was the love of my life. I could buckle down and marry the right guy and settle down with someone stable who my parents approved of and who would devote themselves to me and have just the right kind of life… But nobody else would make me feel the way Jude did and looking up into his eyes as he bit his lip and slid his hands up my thighs, I knew that as surely as I knew my own name.
Jude slid my skirt up so it bunched around my waist and then he climbed on top of me and I gasped a little, throwing my head back. It was such a simple thing, but I loved the sensation of a muscular man on top of me and I spread my legs and let him nestle between them, turning my head to see his bulging bicep as he held himself and looked down at me.
We weren’t going to talk about this. But it didn’t feel too strange. In fact, it felt perfectly right now as Jude pushed up my shirt and helped me take it off. He helped me off with my bra and when he looked down at the very thin golden chain I was wearing with the dragon head charm that now nestled between my breasts, I saw his lips part. He leaned down and kissed my collar bone and a bit of the golden chain came between his tongue and my skin. Just that little bit of gold was enough to push me toward the edge already.
The first time I’d ever masturbated was after I saw Jude wearing a golden bracelet. It had been his first contribution to his hoard, he told me. I’d become fixated on it and only thankful when he stopped wearing it. It was just too much for me to take. And now I was the one in gold and he was licking my skin and tongue kissing me, playing the chain along his tongue and driving me crazy as he worked his way down to my breasts. I arched up into him and pulled him closer and I heard the little hiccup in his breathing just before he curled the chain around his thumb and drew it over my nipple only to duck his head and suck a kiss there. Jude’s mouth and gold and all of it together after flying was too much and I shook with the pleasure of it and he shifted a little so I could feel his engorged cock pressing up against me.
“Jude, yes… God, please…” I could hardly speak, I was so breathless. “I...I can’t...I need you…”
I shut my mouth tight and felt a tear leak from my eye. Hopefully that had only sounded sexual, but I had meant it in every way.
I need you.
Jude listened and scrambled to unbuckle his belt and shove his pants and boxer briefs down and I shimmied out of my skirt and panties and then the two of us were naked together and I sniffed, moving to wipe a tear away when Jude moved over me. His head had been turned, and I was hoping he wouldn’t notice how emotional I was. It was dark enough that we couldn’t clearly see each other’s faces but I could feel him, the protective strength of him and his sure hands slid up the backs of my legs again, making me shiver before he slid inside me all at once.
Jude and I breathed each other’s air and when he thrusted inside me and stopped cold, as d
eep as he could be, we clung to each other. I felt as if this was the full completion of what we’d always been and just as quickly dismissed the thought.
Just this once, I thought.
“Are you okay?” Jude said, his voice cracking as he looked down at me. His gazed over me; my mouth, my breasts, the curve of my neck. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m fine,” I breathed. “Don’t stop.”
I was so close already but I didn’t want to come. Jude moved, slowly pulling out a little and plunging back in and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him fast with my legs. My mind and heart were in a riot.
“Sierra,” Jude whispered, and just Jude saying my name pushed me over the edge as an overwhelming lightning bolt of pleasure rushed through me and I threw my head back and moaned as Jude ducked his head, tongue kissing my throat. “Sierra…”
“Jude, God…” He rocked harder into me and my orgasm seemed to go on and on, making tears slide down my face as I shook, now oversensitive and almost pained as Jude continued to fill me. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted it to go on forever so we’d never have to ask what it meant and I would never have to be heartbroken. I clamped onto him, squeezing my eyes shut and moaned Jude’s name and he cried out and I felt him pulse inside me, filling me with himself as our sweat slicked bodies melted into each other. “Jude...Jude…”
As we both came down from the high of our shared bliss, I felt a terrible sense of loss. I wanted to hold onto him forever. I wouldn’t lose my friend, not over a night of sex. I knew that. But it would change things and it would break my heart. So when Jude pulled out but remained there, holding me, his thumb absently grazing my breast, I didn’t speak. I closed my eyes and hoped he wouldn’t move.
He doesn’t love you like that, my mind said. I couldn’t push away the thought as it abruptly thundered in my head. Get out before he has to tell you…
“Sierra?” Just the sound of Jude’s voice after that made me want to cry again. I could already hear him saying it in my head. I knew him too well. I mattered to him the most as a friend, but this, this would mean nothing to him.
I heard myself saying,”I should go.” My voice sounded strange and unlike itself but with every bit of will power I could muster, I moved out from beneath him and rolled out of the bed.
“Sierra?” Jude said, turning over and resting back on his elbows as I scrambled around to put on my clothes. He looked so casual. He looked just like I’d expected him to really. “Are you alright?” His eyes were wide. He was concerned, and I saw that kindness in him that too many people didn’t know about unless they were terminal kids in one of New York’s hospitals.
“Of course, I’m alright!” But my voice sounded strange even to me. “Some homecoming, huh?” I laughed and it sounded so artificial. It was the first time I could remember feeling like I was lying to Jude in maybe ten years.
“Yeah…” Jude was trying to lock his gaze on me and I avoided it as I zipped on my skirt and put on my bra. “As long as we’re good,” he murmured.
“Of course, we’re good!” I said, but that felt like a lie too.
I didn’t say goodbye before I left.
Chapter Seven: Jude
When I was seventeen, my mother died in a car accident that also put me in the hospital. I was driving the car which had apparently been defective. I don’t remember much of the accident. I’ve never been able to figure out if that was a blessing or a curse. I remember waking up in the hospital and seeing Sierra’s face because she’d shown up at our house to see me just as my father was leaving for the hospital. It was Sierra who broke the news to me that my mother was dead. I don’t know how she did it. We were both so young. I wouldn’t ever want to have to do it for her even now, though I would if I had to. But I’ve always been grateful that it was Sierra who told me and that she was with me in that moment. She was the one who held me as I broke down sobbing and she’s always been the one trying to convince me it wasn’t my fault. My mother, a beautiful and fierce dragon...brought down by something as stupid as a car accident. It hadn’t seemed possible so I would look for reasons that usually came down to me.
Maybe it was that moment that absolutely solidified for me that Sierra was The One.
Of course, I’d have to be stupid enough to let my love and desire for her get in the way of good sense.
I blame it on us being apart for two years. It built up some kind of tension between us, coupled with this Eddie guy and the inevitability of their coupling. The macho, alpha part of me couldn’t help but triumph a little bit: At least I got there first.
But she had gone. She’d walked out the door, acting weird and awkward and like maybe she already regretted it and things would never be the same.
I lay in bed for a while, brooding about the whole thing yet unable to regret having felt so incredibly close to Sierra even given the potential consequences. At least, for a few moments, I’d been able to feel what it would be like between us.
I fell asleep wishing she had stayed.
In the morning, all my memories of Sierra washed over me and I jerked off in the sheets, remembering the taste and sensation of her breast in my mouth and that little gold chain… I came with her name on my lips and rolled out of the sticky sheets, slinking off to the shower.
I stood under the water and turned it up as hot as I could stand, memories of Sierra’s body beneath me visceral in my mind. I could still feel what it was like to be inside her, to fill her and feel her meld with me. But if I was smart, I would lock that memory up and go find another girl to share my bed. It wasn’t as if that was hard and maybe it would help me not to linger on what I couldn’t have. It wasn’t as if Sierra wasn’t going to bed Eddie sometime soon probably. Though the thought made me want to breathe fire on all of New York.
I was dressed and planning to go get some coffee from the good place down the street and clear my head when I heard my door shut.
Shit.
My dad just loved to show up unannounced. He considered it a real power move to just walk into my place without knocking. I braced myself, feeling too raw to have to deal with my dad right now. I checked my hair in the mirror in my room and slipped on my shoes before walking out into the expanse of my living room where my father was already heading to the kitchen.
“Dad?” I said. “It’s a little early.”
My father checked his watch and raised an eyebrow at me as he threw open my fridge. “It’s eight.”
“That is a little early.” I sighed and sat down at the counter, hoping this wouldn’t take long. I wanted to get the good espresso from Rupio’s and I rubbed my eyes.
“I didn’t expect you up actually,” my dad said.
“Why would you come over if you didn’t expect me up?”
“Like to keep you on your toes.” He took a bottle of pomegranate juice out of my fridge and poured it into a glass, taking a long drink and giving me the firm and steady gaze he reserved for enemies in business...and his son. “Everyone’s still talking about the little water show you put on at the banquet.”
“Really?” I glared at him as he drank my juice. “Because I know that crowd and I’m pretty sure they forgot about it five minutes after it happened.”
“Despite the scene,” my dad said, practically gritting his teeth,”your presence is requested at the unveiling of the Fairchild Wing at Mercy West. Despite...my own protestations-”
I rolled my eyes. My dad loves to sound as pretentious as possible when he’s asking me to do something.
“They want you there because of that stuff you do with the kids.” He mumbled the last bit. I think it killed him a little that literally anything I did that didn’t earn a wage could possibly be recognized as valuable. I couldn’t help but smirk, even though it meant going to yet another charity event with my father.
I wondered what he would think about me showing a whole bunch of sick, totally human children my dragon. He’d lose his shit. It would almost be worth it but I didn’t need the h
assle either.
“About that,” I said slowly. I’d been intending to introduce the idea of expanding Fairchild’s charity work to my father. I hadn’t exactly been looking forward to it. “What if Fairchild...did more?”
My dad only blinked at me, stone cold. I rolled my eyes and went on. “Charitably speaking-”
“Do you know how much money I’ve just given to Mercy West?” My dad said darkly. “And this work you do with the kids-”
“I’m pretty sure you gave the absolute minimum you could give to get your name on a wing,” I said, unable to hold back the snark. “And my work with the kids costs exactly nothing except the payroll for the crew to take out the cars on the track that are already there. It’s not like we pay the celebrities I bring in. I just think there’s so much more we could do and then I was thinking about some kind of under the radar services for under-privileged shifters-”
My dad snorted and actually rolled his eyes. “Jude…”
“What?” I said. “It wouldn’t be hard to keep apart from anything else. It’s not as if shifters don’t have all kinds of transactions between them off the books anyway. This would just be a small charitable function. There are a lot of shifter kids on the streets and they don’t get the services they need because they’re afraid of attracting too much human attention-”
“Jude.” My father was glaring at me. Even for him, he seemed unnecessarily pissed that I was even suggesting this idea and took me aback. “I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to make some big point like I don’t care about poor people or… You’re trying to show me up!”
“Not everything is about you, dad.” My dragon’s fire roiled inside me. I did happen to think he didn’t care about anyone but himself, but that was beside the point. He would refuse to give away more money when he was drowning in the stuff just to make a point to me. It was so typical of him and it made me want to shift and go at it. Sometimes it felt as if that was inevitable between us.
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