"Good. That must have been so scary, but I trust you to get him through it. No matter how hard you're trying to pretend otherwise, you know that you and Simon were inevitable."
"That's not true!" I protest.
"No. Not at all," she mocks as I grumble the word ‘traitor’ under my breath.
"Well, I'm sure Mark learned his lesson. He'll know never to make that mistake again," she reassures me.
"Who knows? At least that's someone else's problem now."
"What do you mean?" Emma sounds perplexed.
"I mean I told him to take his apologies and go. I'm tired of hearing it. Especially since he insists that he didn't do anything wrong."
"Well of course he did—he's a guy. That doesn't mean you just discard him like a low card. Josie, you can't cut Mark loose for such a small thing."
"You've got to be kidding me! You of all people know how much trust and loyalty mean to me. He crossed a line, Emma. If he does that shit so casually now, how can I trust him in anything else?"
"Josie." Emma pauses as I tap the countertop irritably, pouring another glass of wine as I wait for her to gather her thoughts. "What's really going on here? It's not like you to be so unforgiving. You told me you love him. You're usually the first to protect the ones you love, like a lioness protects her cubs. You don't give up on people. For that matter, you've also been avoiding my questions about your book. Where are we with Lady Sydney and the guys?"
"Nowhere. I'm not finishing it."
"That's ridiculous! We just took preorders at Quill and set the groundwork for the launch—"
"Sorry, Em," I cut into her rant quickly. "I hear Simon stirring, so I have to go. We can talk about this later. Ok?"
"Jos—"
I end the call guiltily, sitting in silence. I hate lying to my friend, but I can't listen to her badgering about my book or hear her extoll Mark's virtues anymore. It's bad enough that Heath keeps urging me to talk to him. Even Simon has started pestering me. Something's gotta give.
* * *
Good food. Fresh air. Someone to talk to. I delivered on everything I promised the doctor to ensure Simon's recovery, even though he fought me every step of the way.
I only convinced him to stay for four days before he insisted on reclaiming Brutus and going home. I couldn't really blame him. I would have done the same if I had been away from Daisy that long.
Luckily, Simon's desire to get Brutus back meshed perfectly with my promise to have dinner with Heath. The Jeep felt empty as we drove in companionable silence, Simon's hand in mine, until Brutus' joyful bark greeted us immediately as we pulled into Heath's driveway.
Watching Simon's face light up as Brutus bounded toward him was more reassuring than any of Simon's words since the accident. This man was fully engaged in life, and I was relieved that I could finally relax my vigilance on his behalf.
With Brutus' paws on his shoulders, Simon leans into his frantic licks, laughing with a joy impossible for someone looking for a way out.
Slipping an arm around Heath's waist, I enter the house, not waiting for Simon to join us.
"Where's Tracey?"
"She's staying at Lori's tonight. I thought we needed some adult time."
"Really?" I ask curiously, surprised since Simon is with us. Unless he expects Simon to just take Brutus and leave.
"But—" Stepping into the kitchen, I stop abruptly at the sight of Mark standing by the island, arms crossed as if ready for battle. He looks good in dark jeans and a crisp white shirt, and his unruly hair has been cut shorter and tamed. He must have a stylist now.
My heart rate escalates as I look around the kitchen. The atmosphere is heavy with expectation. How ironic that I've taken so many steps to keep them all apart, yet here they are, together and united as one in their attempts to—what?
"It's time we cleared the air. Since you refused to open the lines of communication, I've taken the initiative. Obviously, there's been a lot said in the heat of the moment, but we need to make some decisions. Do we want to make this work or not?" Heath asks. "I, for one, can't go on this way any longer. It's not healthy, and frankly, I'm tired of trying to avoid my daughter's questions as to why we can't all have dinner again."
"You know how I feel, mate," Simon interjects, slapping Heath's shoulder as he enters. "I never meant to upset the balance, but I refuse to walk away. It's taken me too long to get here. Josie's proven herself to me, and I won't leave her hanging."
"While that's admirable, Simon, someone might consider you a pirate under the current circumstances," Heath says mildly with no real anger.
"Well, I guess I did plunder her treasure a bit at that." Simon chuckles, setting my teeth on edge. Heath's, too, if the clenching of his jaw is any indication.
"You say that now, Simon. Wait until you fuck something up and see what a treasure she is then," Mark adds. "It isn't worth anything if it turns against you."
"Take that back, Mark! You started this whole shit avalanche. Stop throwing blame." I am not about to be ganged up on and told that I'm in the wrong. It's bad enough that I was brought here under false pretenses.
"Why don't we all take a seat and at least try to act civilized," Heath says, ever the mediator. But it's too late. He wanted to clear the air? Well, hurricane Josie just made landfall.
"Josie, how many times do I have to say it? This had nothing to do with you."
"I believe you've made that abundantly clear, Mark."
"Josie, we said we'd talk about this," Heath reminds me. "Are you going to listen or not? Otherwise, this is pointless, and we might as well all go our separate ways."
"You keep saying that, but you're missing the point." Mark ignores him, eyes blazing. "It had nothing to do with you. This was about my dream. Don't you get it? This is about something that I've dreamed about." Pulling at his hair in frustration, Mark's voice holds a note of pleading I've never heard. "I don't have the words to explain. The show was something I always wanted, but never thought I could do. It wasn't until you came along and gave me the words, that I believed I could make it happen. As a writer, I thought you of all people could understand that."
"Why didn't you just tell me that? Maybe I would have understood. No, I would have understood, but you didn't give me a chance. Instead, you left me vulnerable."
Glancing at the guys, I can tell that Mark is uncomfortable having them as witness to the discussion. For their part, they're holding a good poker face. Neither Heath nor Simon are reacting, just providing silent solidarity as everyone stands tensely, regarding the others.
"Honest to God, Josie," Mark plows ahead, "I didn't think it mattered because I never thought that your job was your dream. Writing, Quill—I thought that was your dream. And I was focused on doing whatever I could to help you reach it. I miscalculated. And for that, I am truly sorry."
"Well, that was never going to happen. So you should have saved yourself the brain power trying to figure it out and just asked me," I reply bitterly.
At my words, Mark's eyes widen in realization. Time stands still as we stare at one another until, grabbing my hands, Mark pulls me to him as Heath and Simon watch curiously.
"Oh, shit…" he says, voice low between us. "I finally get it. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I did just tell you, Mark! What the hell have we been discussing?"
"No. You keep telling me what you want me to believe. I just realized you've been lying all along."
Chapter 44
What Would Jane Do?
Stunned, I can barely find the voice to deny it.
"How can you say that?" I ask, enraged as I struggle to break free from his grip, causing his hands to tighten around my wrists.
"I've been so fucking confused," Mark says. "Everything seemed to be going so well, right up until Quill. And now I finally get it. It wasn't all me, was it? I was just the catalyst. It was Quill! You got a little too close to your dream, and you ran away from it."
"This isn't about Quill!" I say angril
y. "This is about loyalty."
"You're exactly right," Mark says. "So let me ask you this? Where is your loyalty? Because right now, it is sadly lacking."
We're toe to toe now, in each other's personal space, neither willing to back down.
"Whoa," Heath interrupts, pushing Mark back slightly as Simon eases me toward him. "Maybe everyone should go back to their corner and count to ten."
"How do you expect me to be loyal to you, Mark, when you've shown that you're not loyal to me?"
"Because you have it all twisted, Josie. This was never about our loyalty to each other. This was about your loyalty to your dream. And when you got too damn close to your dream, you shut it down."
My mouth opens to blast his temerity, still trying to deflect the truth, but he continues before I can get the words out.
"What I did was stupid. I fully admit it. But it's time that you accept the truth, too. My fuck up was just a convenient excuse for you to derail everything you've been working for. You saw me do something to make my dream come true, and you were mad at yourself for not having the guts to follow yours."
Shaking my head in denial, I pull away from all of them as Heath and Simon shift uncomfortably. I'm not going to allow him to tell me I'm weak. This is about his transgressions, not mine. Even so, the small spark of doubt that his words have created start to burrow into my soul, trying to take root as I frantically stomp each new sprout, refusing to allow it air to breathe and grow.
Staring at me sadly, Mark rubs his chest, as if trying to massage a pain over his breastbone.
"Honestly, of everything that's gone between us, that just destroys me. You're better than that, Josie. I can't believe that I'm the one that needs to tell you that. You always seem so strong. Who told you that you don't deserve your dreams? Because it's bullshit! You helped me get to mine. I swear, I'll help you to yours. No strings attached."
Panic begins to build inside me as I break out into a cold sweat, flinching from Simon's hands that try to calm me and avoiding everyone's eyes. I can’t admit Mark is right. Because if I concede that I was willing to sabotage my writing, they’ll know how scared I am that this relationship is just a mirage as well. This type of happiness isn’t meant for people like me. My life is a fishnet where no matter how much I pour into it, everything simply slips away. I’m so tired of being empty. But it’s impossible to pour fast enough or plug the holes anymore.
"I don't need this. I'm going home. Good luck with those dreams, Mark. I hope they're still there when you wake up." Grabbing my coat, I struggle to get my arms into the sleeves, trapped when Heath folds me into his arms from behind.
Tilting my chin up, Mark tries to capture my eyes.
"I'd like to have you next to me when I wake up, to remind me if I forget. That's what we're supposed to do for one another, you know." Nodding to the other guys, he tries to convince me, "It's clear you need someone to hold your dreams."
"I don't need anyone, Mark," I reply softly, defeated. "I think I've proven that by now."
"Really? Then why are you holding on so tight to the idea that you can't trust me? If you didn't need any of us, you wouldn't be so angry that it's falling apart."
Cupping my chin in his hand, Mark's thumb rubs lightly over my lips.
"You've needed someone for so long that you'd rather burn the bridge in front of you than take the first shaky steps. You don't realize that it only gets stable when you finally begin to reach the other side. But you have to be willing to sway in the wind for a while."
Heath's voice resonates from behind, his mouth close to my ear. "We're not perfect, Josie, and news flash, neither are you. Why can't you just accept us the way we are?"
"Really? The way you all keep saying I don't react the way you want me to, that I'm not the girl you expected? How do you know? How am I ever supposed to live up to all these expectations that you keep putting on me? You say I'm not perfect. I never said I was. Why do you keep expecting me to be?" I cry, all the heartache and self-doubt in my voice finally bared to all of them. "Why can't any of you just be happy to let me be me? Is that such a hard pill to swallow? I want to be needed. I don't need to be saved. But just once, I'd like someone around to share the burdens of my life, not add to them. I want someone who respects me enough to value my opinion and treat me like a partner, not just some accessory or toy that you like to fuck. Is that so much to ask?"
The weight of my body sags against Heath, all fight finally gone as his arms tighten around me, unwilling to let me fall. The hand under my chin forces my head upward to meet Mark's lips, rubbing softly and sweetly against my own. As he pulls away, I realize that it's Simon's hands smoothing my hair back again and again.
Heath finally breaks the silence while the pad of Mark's thumb brushes away the angry tears cascading down my cheeks.
"It's not too much to ask at all." Waiting for Mark and Simon to nod seriously in agreement, he finally pulls away from my back before pulling out a chair and gesturing to the others.
"I think we need some new rules. Maybe we should start with expectations."
Chairs slide next to me as everyone settles in and waits for me to take the lead.
Ragged breaths shudder through my body as I brush away the angry tears still streaking down my face, taking a tissue from Simon and staring at each of them in turn.
"I don't know how to do this. No one has ever fought for me. No one has ever wanted to. I've never learned to be in a relationship, and now I have three of you expecting me to make you happy. I don't know what I'm doing. I missed the window. It's too late to learn it now."
"Oh, Josie." Heath grabs my hand across the table. "We're not expecting you to make us happy. You do make us happy."
"Most of the time," Mark laughs, then grunts as Heath kicks him under the table. Reaching underneath to rub his shin, he flashes an annoyed look at Heath.
"Hey, if we're going to be honest then let's be honest. Josie, you need to let us in, because the glimpses you've allowed us to see are amazing. I want more of you. I want to know that I won't be punished for pushing you to give more. Even if fighting for you sometimes means fighting with you. But I'll never ask you for more than you can give."
"I'll never be enough for all of you."
"You are enough for all of us, luv. You're the only one that doubts that. I know I'm late to the party, but I also trust that you won't leave me hanging," Simon offers.
"I thought you said you weren't into sharing?" I ask breathlessly, my heart in my throat.
"Let's blame it on the drugs talking." He laughs. "I'm into you, with whatever that takes. Besides…" Simon looks at Mark and Heath before smiling at me again."Everyone needs some mates they can count on."
"What happens when you go home? London's pretty far away," Heath asks Simon.
"I am home." Lifting my other hand, Simon kisses it gently. "Right now, everything I need is here. This feels more like home than any place I've lived in a long time."
"What about living arrangements?" I ask, finally putting all of my concerns on the table.
Ruefully, Heath rubs his hand across his head in concentration.
"For now, I'm locked in here until Tracey graduates in four years. I'm sure we can come up with something. Let's let everyone settle into a rhythm for a couple more months. Can we table that discussion until next year? It's not like we don't have plenty of places to share for now." The other guys nod in agreement.
My heart finally relaxes as I watch them all smile, at ease with each other, just waiting for me.
"What do you need, Jos?" Mark asks. "We're here. You can ask us for anything."
"What if I don't know what I need?"
"Then just promise us that you'll never be afraid to ask or tell us when you figure it out," Heath says. "Maybe let us surprise you occasionally—in a good way. Let's all try to expect the best and cut each other some slack. Ok?"
Sitting back in the chair, my body feels weightless with relief. I may not know what the future br
ings, but at least the fear is burning away. Like a breath of fresh air, a new fire is kindling in my soul. It's love and hope, just waiting for me to fan the flames.
"There is something I want," I finally admit, a smile breaking across my face.
"Anything, luv."
Smiling at Mark, I put as much love and apology into my voice as I can.
"I'm starving. What does a girl have to do to get fed around here?"
A wicked smile replaces the relief in Mark's eyes. "Where do you want to start? Dinner or dessert?"
* * *
The buzz in the air is electric as people crowd into the store's kitchen to get the best view. It's standing room only, and my whole staff has been in a fever of excitement.
Josh helps Nate keep an eye on the crowd while handing out eggnog. I know for a fact that his has been laced with brandy, but that's our little secret. It's been a long December, and we've both earned a little holiday cheer.
I pat myself on the back as I face the crowd from a tall stool behind the island, watching the large mixer whirl ingredients together as the smell of cinnamon and chocolate perfumes the air.
‘Cookies and Carols.’ It's almost as good as ‘Late Night Date Bites.’ I think I have a flair for this. Simon is a natural as he whips up Christmas cookies, occasionally stopping to break into his own unique, and occasionally bawdy, version of traditional Christmas songs. No one can resist the charm of a British accent, especially Patsy, who seems to hang on his every word.
Marco was thrilled to be pressed into service to add his acoustic guitar riffs so that Simon could keep his hands free for cooking. Simon's insistence that I be by his side in the limelight, to co-host and banter with him as he cooks, was a whim I was willing to indulge. I'm pretty certain it was just to remind Patsy that I was the reason he was here, but judging by the crowd, it hardly seemed necessary. Between this, Hello Pussy Christmas, and the anticipation of Mark's event in February, I've pretty much locked in my bonus for the year. Other store managers have been calling me to beg for advice, wondering how I pulled all of this off. If they only knew the heartache that came with it. Luckily, all of that is behind us.
Corsets and Quartets Page 41
