by Lisa Cassidy
“Me neither.” He came closer, serious face creasing into a smile. “Did you have a good night, Aly-girl?”
“It was… interesting. Tarrick decided to stay down with the twins rather than walk all the way back up here.” Telling him what had happened probably wasn’t the best way to resolve the tension between them. He would find out soon enough on his own. “Is everything all right with you?”
He sighed, and her heart sank at the weary note in it. Her father was having a bad time, and she wished she could help somehow. “It’s been a long day, after a whole series of long days. I missed you while you were gone, and now you’re back I’ve barely seen you. I’m sorry.”
“I understand how difficult things are for you.” Maybe if she made him see that she truly did understand, he might confide in her, trust her more. “There’s no easy resolution to the tightrope we’re walking with Shivasa, and Lord-Mage Casovar is encroaching on the influence you once had with the king. On top of that, you’ve had to send your daughter away to a place where you can’t protect her and learned that your son has been in Widow Falls all these years.”
“You’ve really been thinking about this.” Approval filled his voice, warming her.
“Not when I first came back,” she admitted. “Dawn helped me see things from your perspective. I wish you would let me help you.”
“You can help by not being at war with Casovar.” He smiled a little, drawing her towards him. “And by giving me a hug occasionally.”
“I can do that.” She wrapped her arms tightly around him and held on for a long moment before stepping back. “And I can hold my temper for a few weeks before we go back to DarkSkull.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” he said dryly. “Not that it makes me feel any better to know that you’ll be going away for another year. You must be enjoying your extended time back at home?”
He framed it as a question, obviously seeing something in her face. When she didn’t immediately say anything, he waited patiently, giving her space.
“While I was away, I had certain expectations about how things would be when I came home, but... ” She stopped, shaking her head. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything. I hope you know that.”
“When you met my mother… when you married her… how did you know that she was the one for you?”
He rocked back on his heels at her question, which had clearly not been what he was expecting. “That has a long and complicated answer, I’m afraid.”
“Can you try?”
“I can.” He was quiet a moment, eyes cast skyward as he thought it over. “I suppose the best way to explain it was that whenever your mother was around, I felt alive. It was this noticeable thing—whenever we were together, or even if she was just in the same room, I felt more energised, happier somehow. And then when we were apart, the world went quiet. It’s been quiet for so long,” he added sadly.
His pain was a tangible thing, and the echo of it whispered through her as his words resonated strongly. “Thank you,” she whispered, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”
He gave her a little smile. “Hearing the news that your mother was dead was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. But I’ve had you all these years, my darling girl, and I wouldn’t give that up for the world.”
“I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk, or if you just want company.”
“Thank you,” he said, then frowned as he studied her face. “Are you all right, Aly-girl?”
“I know you’ve been worried about Cayr and me, and about my expectations there.”
Once again he seemed taken aback by the change in subject. “All I want is to prevent you being hurt. A courtship—a marriage—with a future king is no easy thing.”
“I know.” Her voice turned bleak despite her best efforts. The despair was back, weighing down her shoulders so that she had to take a deep breath to get enough air. She hadn’t cared that it would be hard, she’d only wanted Cayr. But now she didn’t, not anymore, and admitting that to herself was harder than anything she’d ever done. Even now she clung to it, trying to rationalise, to tell herself she did love Cayr, that he made her happy. Sadness welled—but he didn’t make her feel alive. Someone else did.
“Alyx?” Garan seemed to sense her emotion, his voice laden with concern.
“I don’t think you need to worry about that anymore,” she whispered. The words loosened something in her, a final honest acknowledgement to herself that she would never marry Cayr. She couldn’t. The Alyx that had spent the last two years at DarkSkull, that had suffered and struggled and made it through stronger... she wasn’t in love with Cayr Llancarvan.
Her father’s frown deepened, but she leaned up to hug him before he could speak. “I’m really tired, Papa. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He held her tightly before letting her go, and she could sense his troubled gaze on her back as she walked up the stairs and down the long corridor to her rooms. Once the door closed behind her, she leant back against it and allowed the tears to fall.
She wasn’t sure whether the intensity of her sadness was due to her father’s grief or her no longer denying the fact that the final part of a dream that had once made her so happy was gone, and that future along with it. Whatever it was, her tears fell for a long time that night.
Chapter 9
The storm of emotion had mostly passed by morning, and she’d even managed a few hours of bone-tired sleep before dawn. As she’d sobbed until her head and chest ached, she’d worried that she might not recover, that this disappointment and grief wouldn’t end. But when she did wake, she almost felt lighter at no longer denying the truth to herself, even though the grief at letting go formed a still-tender scar in her chest.
Her father looked up when she joined him at breakfast. “I didn’t expect to see you up so early given how late you came in last night.”
“Lord-Mage Casovar will expect us at the usual time.” Alyx smiled wryly, robbing the sting out of her next words. “I’m following orders like a good girl, Papa, don’t worry.”
Garan sighed and put down his spoon. He pushed his bowl of porridge away and turned to face her. “You know I appreciate that, but last night you looked... down. Is everything all right?”
“There are some things I’ve been working through,” she admitted.
“Anything I can help with?”
“You already have.” She hesitated, about to say more when Safia appeared, carrying a sealed note for her father.
Alyx turned to her food while her father took the note and broke the seal. A frown passed over his face—so quickly if she hadn’t been glancing at him at the right moment she’d have missed it—before he put it aside and returned to his breakfast.
“Who was that from?” she asked lightly. Demanding direct answers from her father wasn’t working, so she decided to try a subtler approach.
“The prince.” Garan spooned up another mouthful of porridge, and if Alyx hadn’t noticed the frown, there’d have been no way for her to tell something in the note had bothered him.
She summoned a teasing smile. “Since when does Cayr write to you instead of me?”
“When it’s something on behalf of his father.” Garan chuckled, again giving no indication anything was wrong.
“So it was a message from the king then?”
“Not really. Our prince is going away unexpectedly. We’ve been working on a project together and he was asking me to keep an eye on it while he’s gone.”
For a moment she wasn’t sure which part of that sentence to pursue first. Cayr leaving? And what project?
“I don’t suppose you know why the prince is heading south so unexpectedly?” Garan asked before she could. “You were with him last night. Did he mention anything?”
“No.” She cleared her throat. There was an excellent chance the king was sending Cayr away as punishment for being arrested, but the less her f
ather knew about that the better. “Is it really that unexpected?”
“Not entirely. The king has been wanting him to visit the southern lords, and apparently there’s some minor issue with the Brennan counting houses he wants the prince to deal with.” Garan flashed her a smile. “It’s just that usually there’s a lot more planning that goes into these official trips.”
Alyx smiled in shared amusement. “Yes, it does take time for the Bluecoats to polish their swords to a bright-enough sheen.”
They ate in companionable silence for a little while, her father looking more relaxed than she’d seen him since returning home. As much as she hated to change that, it seemed like the best opportunity to talk to him about the Mage Guard.
“Papa, can we talk about Casovar and the Mage Guard?”
His relaxed air immediately vanished and she could tell from the look on his face as he opened his mouth to reply that he was going to give her another non-answer.
“You have to know about the raids,” she said softly. “And no matter what you tell me, I know you, and you can’t agree with what they’re doing.”
“The situation is complicated.”
“Then explain it to me.” When he began shaking his head, she pushed. “I’m doing what you’ve asked me to do, despite how hard it is, but I think I deserve to know why. Why are you standing back and allowing Casovar so much influence? Why haven’t you done something about the Mage Guard?”
“You’re assuming I’m standing back,” he said quietly. “I ask you to trust that whatever I’m doing, it’s in your and Rionn’s best interests.”
Alyx leaned forward. “There was a moment, during the last year at DarkSkull... I was on the ground and I was hurt. And in that moment, I had to decide whether I would continue to take the punishment and accept whatever happened to me, or whether I would stand up and fight back.” She took a breath. “I chose to fight back, Papa, and in doing that I found a strength inside myself I didn’t even know was there.”
He reached over to take her hand, worry filling his face. When he opened his mouth—surely another useless apology—she shook her head. “I need you to understand that I can’t put away that strength I found. It burns in me. And if something is wrong here, if there’s something I can do about it, you have to let me help.”
“You are helping,” he assured her with such vigour she truly believed him. Even so, she couldn’t help thinking about what was happening to those in the poor quarter.
“You’re asking me to stand by and do nothing while people are getting hurt. I don’t know if I can do that.”
His gaze bored into hers, firm and steady. “I’m asking you to trust me, to trust in who I am, even though it’s difficult. Will you do that, Aly-girl?”
She sat back with a sigh. “Part of me thinks you just love the fact I have to bite my tongue on a daily basis around that man,” she grumbled. “Teaching me a lesson?”
“Me, never!” He gave her his innocent face.
She chuckled and pushed back her chair. “I should go. Lord-Mage Casovar doesn’t appreciate tardiness.”
Alyx rode Tingo across the palace grounds and left him in the stables, noting that the others’ horses weren’t there yet. Her choice to ride instead of walk to make up time had worked better than she’d thought. Or maybe Finn’s hangover had led to a late departure for Tarrick and the twins as well. She smiled in amusement at the thought.
As she approached Casovar’s offices, she spotted a familiar tall figure leaning over the balustrade, looking out into the gardens. No longer instinctively ignored, delight curled in her stomach at the sight of him, followed quickly by a spark of anticipation that accompanied a flutter of nerves. For so long she’d denied the possibility of anything more than friendship with Dashan, but now it was hers if she wanted it. And despite the nerves turning her stomach into knots and the guilt over Cayr still lingering, there was absolutely no doubt in her of Dashan’s feelings. It was part of what made her feel so safe around him—that despite their differences and bickering, he never gave her cause to doubt that he would always stand by her.
“Hello stranger.” She joined him at the railing.
He returned her smile, and her heart did a lazy flip in her chest. “Good morning, mage-girl.”
“What brings you to this dusty old corner of the palace?”
“I came to apologise to Captain Dunnat. One of his soldiers said he was on duty here this morning, though he doesn’t seem to have arrived yet.”
Alyx smile widened. “You did, huh?”
“It doesn’t solve anything.” His fist curled on the stone, shoulders stiffening. “I know you spoke with Tijer and Casta, what you asked them to do. And they told me what they found out.”
“We’ll make it right, Dash. Somehow. I promise you.” And she reached out to cover his hand with hers. It was an unconscious gesture, but once she’d done it, she made no effort to take her hand away. His fist uncurled at her touch, their fingers tangling together. Dashan had gone still at her side, but all the stiffness had melted from his shoulders. Unconsciously, they’d shifted closer to each other, so close their arms were pressed together and it would only take an infinitesimal movement to kiss him.
“I think we should stop pretending there’s nothing between us,” she murmured, her heart flipping again at the look of warmth and surprise that flared in his dark eyes. “Because I’ve stopped pretending that I want to be with Cayr.”
“Lady Egalion?”
Alyx yanked her hand from Dashan’s and spun so quickly she almost tripped, grateful that their posture had hidden their joined hands. Jenna stood a short distance off, wearing a polite smile. Dashan turned more gracefully, but a quick glance showed a slightly dazed expression on his face. Alyx cleared her throat, rapidly trying to regain clarity of thought, and finding that rather easy to do at being faced with Casovar’s beautiful adopted daughter. Her ability to make Alyx feel like an ungainly clod in her presence hadn’t faded at all with time.
She wondered if the young woman remembered their last encounter, where Alyx had threatened to burn Jenna’s golden hair to cinders. Judging from the sharp look in Jenna’s blue eyes, she remembered it perfectly.
“Lady Casovar.” Alyx spoke just as politely. “Hello.”
“I apologise for interrupting your conversation,” Jenna said. “But it’s nice to see you. We organised a welcome home picnic for you, but you didn’t come. In fact, you haven’t come to see us at all.”
Alyx summoned an equally polite but utterly insincere tone. “Yes, I know, and I’m sorry for that. Your father has kept me very busy.”
“I understand.” More polite falseness, this time with a sickly-sweet smile added for good measure. “The protection of Rionn is a serious matter.”
“It certainly is.”
“Lieutenant Caverlock.” Jenna tilted her head. “This is a strange place to find an officer of the Blue Guard.”
“Not one who needs to speak to your father’s captain,” Dashan said easily. “I’m waiting for him.”
“I see.” Jenna dismissed him from her notice. “Lady Egalion, you wouldn’t happen to know where Prince Cayr is, would you?” Her smile took on a superior quality. “We had planned a breakfast together this morning, but he’s late and I thought he may have been caught up with my father.”
“Actually, my father received a note this morning to say he’s left the city for a trip to visit the southern lords,” Alyx said, ignoring Dashan’s start of surprise beside her.
Jenna frowned. “That’s sudden.”
“Yes.” A smile curled at her mouth. “He must have forgotten to let you know in the rush to leave.”
“Oh.” Jenna exuded disappointment.
Unable to help herself, Alyx widened her smile and added a touch of superiority to her voice. “I suppose you haven’t seen much of him lately, what with him spending most of his time with us.”
Beside her, Dashan cleared his throat in suppressed amusement, while Je
nna’s gaze turned wintry cool. “Indeed. Have a nice day, Lady Egalion.”
They were both silent as Jenna rounded the corner and disappeared. An amused smile lit up Dashan’s face as he turned to her. “You really can be a superior snot, Lady Egalion.”
She shrugged. “She brings out the worst in me.”
There was a momentary awkward silence as they stared at each other, then Dashan gave a little smile. “She kinda killed the moment, huh?”
She laughed, awkwardness entirely broken, and lightness filling her. This was what she wanted, what she needed—Dashan always, always making her mood brighter no matter how awful she felt. Reaching out for his hand, she murmured, “Come with me.”
She led him, unresisting, down into the garden and over to a small alcove shielded from prying eyes by the vibrant green leaves of a weeping tree. The expression of dawning hope and adorable confusion on his face gave her the courage to be completely honest.
“I meant it,” she told him steadily. “I was going to talk to Cayr today, but now I’ll have to do it as soon as he gets back. Cayr’s not who I want.”
Dashan took a step closer, voice aching with restrained joy. “Alyx, are you telling me you want us to be together?”
Instead of replying, she leaned up to press her mouth against his. He didn’t hesitate for a second, returning the kiss with a passion that had her heart racing and heat flooding her body. This was nothing like the kisses she’d shared with Cayr. This was so much more that she didn’t even have words for it.
Part of it was how real it all was. This wasn’t a fantasy built up in her head over years about her best friend, this was dropping her walls and allowing someone in who knew her better than anyone else in the world—the woman she’d become, not the one she’d once been. And it was easy, because she’d never had to be anything or anyone else other than herself with Dashan.
His hands slid up her back, then entangled fiercely in her hair. She gasped, arching her neck so he could trail kisses down her skin before returning his mouth to hers. Eventually they broke apart, panting softly, their foreheads gently touching. Alyx took both his hands, squeezing softly, eyes slipping shut at the sensation of his warm skin enclosed in hers.
