by Nesta Tuomey
Jane looked down on his bent head and her own heart was full of yearning. By a great effort of will she remained silent but inwardly she was answering him just as fervently. Yes, my darling, I wish it too with all my heart. When he raised his head and met her gaze her tender thoughts showed plainly on her face as if she had spoken them and he groaned softly in his throat and abruptly released her hands. She had only time to register her deep sense of loss before he had taken her fiercely, almost roughly in his arms, and pressed his mouth on hers with the anger and desperation of an honourable man who is no longer able to resist the temptation of his over-riding desire. She held him just as fiercely and, as if under a similar compulsion beyond her control, her mouth was soft and yielding beneath his.
He released her at last and got to his feet. He stood looking gravely down at her. ‘What had to happen has happened,’ he said with quiet finality, and she heard him without contradiction. ‘Te quiero mucho, mi querida Jane.’
‘Toni,’ she whispered her old name for him and all her heart was in the look she gave him. His face was swept by a smile at this reminder of the past and with a last murmured endearment he went away and left her with her joy and guilt and with the small consolation that she had not sought or anticipated any of it, merely accepted what was inevitable.
When Claire and Terry reached home around midnight, having wound up the Wings celebration dancing in the Grey Lizard, they both agreed it had been a wonderful day but all they wanted now was to get into bed and relax.
The evening had been marred by a small incident. As they were making their goodbyes and about to head off, Terry had noticed Stephen Rigney in a group of young men coming in the door of the club. Who did Rigney think he was, casting aspersions on Claire because of some rumour circulating years ago? Well, just let him try it again and he’d be chewing on his teeth. Terry turned to face him.
‘Hey, McArdle. You’re everywhere these days like a bad smell,’ Stephen said offensively, his eyes flickering to the emblem on Terry’s lapel. ‘See you’ve taken to wearing jewellery like a bloody poof.’
For a moment Terry failed to get his meaning, then his fist shot out and connected with Stephen’s jaw. Women screamed and tables overturned as the two men went crashing across the small space. A group of cadets surged to join the fight and the bouncer appeared almost as quick and proceeded to drag Terry off Stephen. Within minutes they had all found themselves out on the road and, with a last muttered insult, Stephen and his gang drifted away.
Later, as they lay close together, spent and relaxed in the aftermath of lovemaking, Claire thought to ask, ‘What started the fight?’
‘Didn’t like the look of his ugly mug.’ Terry looked so serious, almost brooding, that despite his facetious answer Claire felt uneasy. She suddenly remembered that Stephen Rigney was the elder brother of Mark, the boy who had made Hugh’s life a misery at school. She felt a sudden return of her earlier disquiet.
‘Clairey...’ Terry said slowly. ‘You know I’ve never asked you anything about guys you knew before me. I mean I know I’m not the first man you made love to...’
Claire stiffened in the crook of his arm. She didn’t feel surprised, only a very tired feeling as though she had been travelling for ages along the same dusty highway hoping to reach home and had finally arrived to find her house deserted and the door barred against her.
‘No more than you were my first girl,’ Terry continued slowly. ‘I haven’t exactly been an angel myself. I’ve told you all about Grainne - anything else was just kid stuff - so you know it all while I...’ He sat up higher in the narrow bed, bunching the pillow behind his head and watched her face expectantly.
‘What do you want to know?’ Claire asked tonelessly.
‘Well... not his name or anything, just what he meant to you and when it was. Stuff like that.’ He reached for her hand. ‘I suppose it was since you went to college... was that when it happened?’
‘No.’
He gently stroked her face. ‘Tell Terry all about it. You know we agreed on no secrets.’
Had they?
‘C’mon, Clairey,’ he prompted. ‘I’ve bared my soul; now it’s your turn.’
What had sparked this off? Claire wondered wearily. ‘Okay,’ she said, accepting the inevitable. ‘If you really want to know it was while I was still at school.’
Terry went very still.
‘Look,’ she said almost angrily, ‘He was an older guy... a lot older. I thought I loved him. Can we leave it at that?’
Terry got out of the bed and went naked to the window. He stood for a long while staring out. Claire sat hunched forward, watching him.
‘You loved him?’
‘At the time I thought I did.’
He turned suddenly and came back to her, and she saw that he was aroused. He caught her fiercely to him and kissed her lips with bruising force, all his possessive jealousy in the kiss, and his hand fondled the nape of her neck and pushed caressingly upwards through the warm weight of her hair.
‘Claire... Oh Claire.’ His voice was like a caress, and at the sound she melted against him. He pushed her back down on the bed and covered her naked body with wild kisses as though he wanted to reclaim every inch of skin and make it all his own again. And when he took her he did so quickly, almost roughly, as if no other way could satisfy his aching need of her.
Terry lay awake long after Claire had fallen asleep, her head on his chest, her arm trustingly curved about him. His thoughts kept returning to the little she had told him. An older man, she’d said. To a school-girl anyone over twenty would seem old. It had to be one of the various men lodging in Claire’s house over the years, he thought. How else could it have happened? He grimaced, hating the thought of her losing her virginity in this way. In reality he hated her losing it to anyone but himself.
Two days later Terry flew out to Spain on a government jet. The captain, a friend of Dinny Monahan’s, had agreed to take on Terry as a supernumerary member of the crew. His first words to Terry were: ‘Keep your effing carcass out of my way like a good chap and we’ll get along like sweethearts.’
Terry grinned and nodded, a bit disappointed. He had seen himself in the right hand seat, if only for part of the journey. At least the co-pilot was friendly.
‘Relax and enjoy the trip,’ he told Terry cheerily, tossing him a newspaper. ‘The old man’s bite is worse than his bark but he’s already had his lump of flesh today. Some poor sod had the temerity to fill in the Simplex crossword and got his balls torn off. Depend upon it, the skipper will be all sunshine from now on.’
Terry grinned and put away the paper to read later, enjoying the familiar feeling as they roared powerfully down the runway and lifted smoothly into the air. They climbed rapidly and soon emerged above cloud, levelling out at 30,000 ft.
Terry sat back as the co-pilot advised and enjoyed the trip. The hostess came in with coffee and he eyed her appreciatively. Claire came unbidden to his mind. Usually he liked thinking about her, but his pleasure was marred by the constraint between them since the night of the Wings. He had rung her from the barracks the next night, having first rung Spain and learned from Antonio that Jane was making good progress and hoped to be discharged from hospital in another week, and Claire had promised to tell the others. They had said little else to each other, and Terry had put down the phone feeling depressed. He knew he shouldn’t have tried to delve into her past. He blamed Stephen Rigney and his sly insinuations. What did he care if Claire had been loved by another man. He had distributed his own favours to plenty of girls before her. Terry scowled and shifted in his seat, thinking he had been a right knucklehead. He would have been much better off not knowing.
‘Hey back there,’ the captain swivelled in his seat and lifted his earphones on his balding head to bellow back. ‘Want to sit in while I go aft and spread a bit of cheer amongst the diplomatic corps?’
‘Sure.’ Terry eagerly unclipped his harness and waited politely as the man strug
gled out of his seat and reached for his braided cap.
The co-pilot looked up as Terry jauntily took up position beside him and donned headphones. ‘Don’t get too comfy,’ he laughingly warned. ‘The old man soon tires of licking assholes. You’ve got about nine... ten minutes at the most.’
Terry settled down to get the feel of the vast panel of instruments. With any luck, he thought, the old man might trip in the aisle and break a leg!
Terry followed a dark-haired nurse through the hospital corridors and thanked her absently as he stepped out again into the sunshine.
Jane was sitting on a bench in the sun and as Terry drew near he saw she was not alone. Her companion was Antonio Gonzalez and from the way the man was leaning close to her they were obviously having a very serious conversation.
As Terry approached it seemed to him they moved hastily, almost guiltily apart. Was it his imagination or were they holding hands? Jane got up with rosy cheeks and came slowly to meet him.
‘Terry!’ She put her arms about him and kissed him on both cheeks, then turned to Antonio. ‘Isn’t he smart in his uniform?’ She caught sight of her son’s new wings and gave a little crow of delight. ‘Congratulations, my dear.’ In her affection and excitement at seeing him she gave him another fond hug. Terry laughed and urged her to sit down.
‘Please don’t tire yourself, Mum.’ He put his arm about her and guided her back to the seat where Antonio sat watching them with a smile. As Jane sank down, breathless and smiling, Antonio got to his feet.
‘I will leave you together,’ he said considerately. ‘Until later, Jane.’ He smiled at her, then nodded at Terry and walked away down the path. Jane watched him go with a thoughtful, smiling look.
Jane! Those two have got very matey, Terry thought. He saw the expression on his mother’s face and how she started in surprise when he spoke to her, as if she had already forgotten his presence. And then it dawned on him. Those two are in love. Antonio Gonzalez is the man Mum knew all those years ago... the one she said she was in love with before she met Dad. No wonder he was so upset when he heard about the accident,’ Terry told himself. ‘It’s because he cares... Gosh! Why didn’t I see it before?’
Then he forgot all of it in the pleasure of telling Jane about the Wings Parade and everything that had happened to him since he had left her that night in Motril. Well, not quite everything. He did not tell her about himself and Claire. Some things were better kept hidden, Terry decided, even from one as broad-minded as his mother.
‘How long have you got, Ter?’ Jane asked, her eyes glowing and her face flushed with the excitement of having him with her again. ‘You can have no idea of how much I’ve looked forward to your coming. I’ve missed you all terribly.’
‘We’ve missed you too, Mum,’ Terry said huskily. ‘The girls have been really great and old Dinny was decent about giving me overnight passes so I could get home often and see they were all right.’
‘And Ruthie?’ Jane asked anxiously.
Terry quickly set her mind at rest. All too soon the time ran out and he got up to go. He had to be back in Malaga for nine o’clock take-off.
‘Could you call into the apartment on your way?’ Jane asked him. ‘I intend spending a few days there when I leave hospital.’
‘Sure.’ Terry calculated he would just have time to make himself a cup of coffee before heading for the airport.
‘Terry...’ Jane looked at her son uncertainly. ‘There’s something bothering me....’
Terry, wondering if she was going to speak about Antonio and herself, felt suddenly embarrassed and hoped frantically she wouldn’t say any more.
‘You may remember what we were discussing just before the accident happened,’ Jane began.
‘Yes, Mum,’ Terry said reluctantly.
‘Something you said at the time rather surprised me. Something I thought no-one but myself and Claire knew anything about.’
‘You mean about Dad and her mother?’ Terry hazarded.
Jane nodded, not meeting his eyes. ‘Well... as I said at the time there’s a lot more to it than you imagine.’
Terry felt a sudden urge to go now before he heard anything unpleasant.
‘If you are fond of Claire... as I think you are,’ Jane continued slowly, ‘you should go very gently with her. She has been hurt badly in the past and I would hate if she were to suffer any more because of us.’
‘Us?’
Jane chose her words carefully. ‘I mean if you were to treat her casually in view of... Well, no matter.’ Jane stopped short and looked uncomfortable.
Terry thought he knew what his mother meant. ‘You mean the older man she was involved with while she was still at school... she told me all about it.’
Jane looked concerned. ‘She told you?’
‘Yes,’ Terry said. ‘Only recently. I suppose in a way I forced her .. something was said... well, anyway I wanted to clear the air.’
‘Did she tell you everything?’ Jane looked startled.
‘I think so... she didn’t go into detail but I know she got sort of led into it and was too young to know better.’
Jane was amazed and relieved he was taking it all so calmly. ‘And you don’t think any the worse of him?’ she asked, wanting to make quite sure. ‘I mean he did something that was a criminal offence in view of her extreme youth.’
Terry was all at sea. Why should he care about the man? Suddenly all the careful questioning sank in and with a feeling of horror he realised who the older man who had abused Claire had been as certainly as if his mother had come straight out and named him. A wave of nausea hit Terry and he felt his brain darken and grow dizzy.
‘Are you all right?’ Jane put her hand on his neck and pushed his head down between his knees. After a moment Terry sat up shakily and pushed her off.
‘For God’s sake, Mum,’ he said in a strangled voice. ‘You can’t mean who I think you do.’
The colour ebbed from Jane’s face leaving it pale and sickly. ‘You said she told you,’ she whispered.
‘Not his name,’ Terry said weakly, her aghast expression confirming his worst suspicions.
Jane began to cry quietly, making no sound. ‘Oh what have I done,’ she said brokenly. ‘I would never have - I thought you knew. Oh the poor child. I wouldn’t have betrayed for her for world.’
‘Mum!’ Terry cried agonised, ‘Why didn’t you stop him? How could you let him,,,’
‘I didn’t know anything until she became... pregnant.’ Jane breathed the word so low that Terry had to strain his ears to catch it. He stared deeply shocked at his mother. Oh God! He couldn’t take any more in. It was like a nightmare. He got up and looked at her despairingly.
‘I’ve got to go or I’ll miss my flight.’
She reached her arms to embrace him but he brushed past her and rushed away down the path without looking back at her, Jane sank down weeping on the bench and her shuddering sobs tore painfully at her newly healed ribs. Antonio was appalled to find her in this state when he came moments later into the garden.
Terry climbed the hill behind the apartment, his breath coming in jerky gasps. He had walked at top speed back from the hospital and stopped only briefly at the apartment before going out again and climbing to the promontory overlooking the sea. He was breathing hard when he got to the summit.
He threw himself down on the grassy knoll and stared down at the waves licking the rocks below, his thoughts thundering in his head. He was aware of a searing pain over one eye. All the events of his childhood, every family holiday appeared in a different guise in searchlight of this terrible new revelation. Seemingly innocent gestures took on hideous connotations and half-remembered phrases and scraps of overheard conversations became impregnated with new sinister meaning.
Terry rolled on to his stomach and buried his burning face in the cool grass. Now the meaning of Hugh’s suicide became clear. A seemingly demented deed was a carefully carried out execution. With new respect for his dead br
other, he saluted his unflinching courage. Poor Hugh. He had loved Claire too and defended her in the only way he could.
Terry rested his head on his arm and gave way to his grief. He cried for a long time: for his brother, his father and himself, and although he did not quite realise it, for lost innocence. When he finally shuddered to a stop it had grown late and the light had faded in the sky. Down below shadowy figures dragged a boat high on the sand.
Terry got to his feet, brushed grass from his uniform and, conscious of the passing time, made his way quickly down the hillside. Across the street from the apartment block was a line of taxis. He approached the first one in the rank bearing the sign ‘libre’ and climbed into the back.
‘El aeropuerto, por favor...rápido!’
As they careered along, Terry, his face strained and white, felt as though he had aged by one hundred years in the space of a single afternoon.
It was three days before Terry got an overnight pass and went home. They were, without a doubt, three of the grimmest days and nights he had ever spent. Not even the grief and horror of Con’s death had had the devastating effect of his mother’s revelation.
‘Off gallivanting again,’ Dinny said good-humouredly as he signed Terry’s pass. ‘Isn’t it great to be young, I suppose it wouldn’t have anything to do with that charming young lady you introduced to me last week?’
Terry forced himself to return Dinny’s roguish grin but any mention of Claire these days was like acid on an open wound. As he drove towards the city his thoughts were gloomy. He longed to have it out with Claire and, at the same time, felt terribly afraid. What could she tell him that would ease the sick ache of disillusion? As the miles fell away under his wheels his spirits sank even lower and he was tempted to go back to the barracks and continue to uselessly sweat it out. Yet he had to hear it from her own lips.
Sheena and Ruthie were delighted to see him. They urged him to tell them everything about his trip but Terry could only think of Jane’s face when she had revealed what she knew about Claire and his father, and he returned sparse answers to their questions.
