by Kelly Oram
“Yes. For real.”
“Awesome. I’ve never seen a live competition before. Just the Winter Olympics on TV.”
I looked back out at the road in front of me and grumbled under my breath. “Well, at least somebody appreciates it.”
Adam cut me a curious glance. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I snorted. “Um. No. Definitely not. I never want to talk about Owen again.”
We fell into an awkward silence, and I fidgeted in my seat, playing with the car’s controls while Adam waited. He could keep waiting. I didn’t want to explain myself to Adam, because he already thought Owen was a big enough jerk. It was embarrassing that we were only here today because I couldn’t stop wanting Owen, even though he could be such a douche.
Adam’s face softened. “Libby, the point of this whole twelve-step program that we’re trying to create is to talk about it. You can tell me anything. It’s Owen Anonymous. As your sponsor, it’s my job to listen, and I’ll never break your confidence. Anything you say to me is strictly between us, and there’s no judging. I’m here to help you.”
Adam wouldn’t stop looking at me. The stubbornness was so annoyingly attractive that I gave in and explained. “I asked Owen to come with me last night. He said no because his basketball team was having a party, and he thought he’d be too hung over to get up so early in the morning.”
I glued my eyes to the road ahead of me, but I could feel Adam watching me. His disapproval sat heavily in the air between us. “I know, okay? He’s a jerk. That’s why I told him I wouldn’t go with him to Salt Lake tonight.”
“But you still want to.”
I resisted the urge to glare at my travel companion. “I’m trying, all right? I said no, didn’t I? I’m here, aren’t I?”
Adam lifted his hands in surrender. “I told you, I’m not judging. I’m just trying to understand. I don’t get why you stay with him. The sex can’t be that good.”
Oh, yes, it could. I looked at Adam again, and suddenly wondered how good it might be with him. He was a little on the skinny side, and nowhere near as gorgeous as Owen, but he had this…vibe about him—this oozing of manly sex appeal that I couldn’t ignore. I shook myself from the thought and tried to focus on the conversation. “It’s not just about the sex, okay? We like each other. We have fun together. Owen cares about me. He does—” I insisted at Adam’s eye roll. “He’s got some faults, but nobody’s perfect.”
“Some faults?” Adam rubbed his head as if it hurt. “Libby, he makes you miserable. I saw you the other morning in Jo’s when he insulted you. You looked like you were about to cry. You shouldn’t be with someone who’s capable of treating you like that. You shouldn’t want to be.”
He made it sound so black and white. But it wasn’t that simple. Nothing in life was that easy. “Of course you don’t get it. People like you never get it.” The bitterness in my voice couldn’t be helped.
“What do you mean people like me?”
“Good-looking, confident people who don’t have any trouble getting a date.”
Adam blinked. “You think that’s me?”
Adam’s surprise was confusing. Judging by the way he got all up in my personal space last night, he knew the effect he could have on the female of the species. “I have eyes, Coffee Man, and they don’t exactly hurt when I look at you.”
Adam didn’t say anything to this. I couldn’t read the look on his face, but it almost seemed like I’d offended him somehow. He turned his attention out the window to the mountains that had swallowed us up when we entered Provo Canyon.
“Avery doesn’t get it, either,” I said, needing to fill the silence. “She’s too optimistic. I mean, look at her and Grayson. The girl is practically Cinderella. She was the nerd girl who won the perfect prince. Grayson is nice, funny, gorgeous, and faithful. It’s ridiculous how much he loves her. Plus, Avery isn’t exactly unattractive. Yeah, she was a geek, but she was one of those movie geeks—invisible until she took off her glasses and shook out her hair. Then, suddenly, all the guys wanted her.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” I said when Adam cast me a curious glance. “I love Avery and I’m happy for her—she certainly deserves Grayson—but now her perception of reality is totally skewed. She thinks everyone has a fairy-tale ending coming to them. She doesn’t understand that most of us won’t be so lucky. Especially not someone like me.”
Adam kept his gaze on the window and let out a breath. “Someone like you?”
“Yeah, someone like me. Fat girls don’t exactly get a lot of love.”
He pulled his eyes away from the view to glare at me for that one. I wasn’t sure what his problem was. It’s not like my weight was a secret.
“Maybe I’m not three hundred pounds, but I’m definitely pushing it when I use the word chubby. In high school that equates to being the fat girl, and before you ask, I can’t just lose the weight. I have hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed when I was eleven because I became borderline diabetic. I’ve been on a strict diet and exercise program ever since so that I don’t develop more serious health problems. I’m actually in decent shape cardiovascularly speaking; I just can’t get rid of all the weight. This is as good as I will ever get.”
Adam pulled his eyes away from the window and shifted his entire body so that he was facing me. “You don’t think you’ll ever find someone that loves you because you’ll never be thin?”
I scoffed. “This is real life, not Hairspray. There is no Link Larkin out there waiting for me. Don’t even try to tell me that there is. You know there’s not. It’s a miracle Owen even gives me the time of day.”
After pulling the beanie off his head to rake his hand through his hair, Adam slumped in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring out the windshield. I didn’t understand the mood swing. He’d seemed pretty chill when I first picked him up. Now he was back to being that stick-up-the-butt grump I first met. “What about Owen?” he asked suddenly. “He doesn’t seem to mind your weight.”
“Ha!” I clenched my hands so tight on the steering wheel that my knuckles turned white. I’d been telling myself that same thing for a year, but that didn’t make it true. “Of course he does. That’s the biggest problem we have. He acts the way he does with me because he’s embarrassed of my looks. I always knew that, but I told myself it didn’t matter because even if he was ashamed of his feelings for me, at least he had them.”
Adam was appalled by my logic. “Are you serious? The guy is ashamed of you, and you don’t think that matters?”
Anger pulsed through me, but I managed to keep hold of my temper. “Of course it matters. Do you think I like that he won’t introduce me to any of his friends? I don’t. I hate it. He won’t even admit to Grayson that we’re dating. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“Then why do you put up with it?”
I stared out the windshield for a long moment, watching the lines on the road blur by. “Because it’s better than nothing,” I admitted. “Which is what I have without Owen. No one has ever wanted me before. At all. In any way. Owen can be a jerk, but I know at least part of him cares about me. It’s not like he hooks up with me because I’m his only option. The guy is gorgeous, popular, and athletic. He can be with anyone he wants, but he still chooses to be with me. He likes being with me. He’s not a total douche. He does appreciate my awesomeness. When we’re together and it’s just us, he can be so sweet. He makes me feel special—desired and wanted. I don’t get to feel like that any other time in my life, so I take the bad with the good.”
I couldn’t believe I was having such an intimate conversation with this odd stranger, but it was surprisingly nice to be completely honest for once. “I can’t say no to Owen because when I say yes, I get to feel those things. The bad stuff disappears and I feel amazing, at least for a little while. And I’m afraid that if I don’t come when he calls, he’ll find someone else. I’m sure he sees other girls at college. Yes, I hate that, but what other choice do I
have? If I push him away, then I’m back to having nobody. Without Owen, I’m back to being a lonely, fat nerd. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.”
The conversation died there.
I’d never been so honest with anyone before, not even Avery. I wasn’t sure how Adam got me to crack open like that, but I felt so exposed. I’d spent years building up the thickest skin a human being could possibly have, and somehow, in less than an hour, Adam broke right through all of my defenses. That scared me. Who was this guy? How did he get to me so easily?
Adam sat in silence on the other side of the car. I knew he was thinking about everything I’d just said. Knew he was putting it together with all the times we’d met so far, and forming a new opinion of me. I didn’t want to know what that might be.
I drove us through the winding mountains, paying more attention to my crappy thoughts and feelings than the road. We were lucky I didn’t send us plummeting over the side of the canyon to our deaths.
“Believe it or not, I understand how you feel,” Adam said, breaking the long silence with his soft voice. “I know exactly what it’s like to be so desperate for someone’s affection that you’d let them destroy you just to win their approval.”
My chest tightened at his admission. It made me crazy with curiosity. Who had he loved so much that he could sound as full of despair as he did now? There was truth in his words, and whatever truth it was, it had been devastating to him. Was there more to Avery asking him for help than just his ability to play Bad Cop? He said we had something in common, but I couldn’t understand how a guy like him could ever be an outcast the way I am.
“If you don’t let him go,” Adam said, pulling my attention back to the conversation, “he will destroy you eventually. He’ll tear apart all of your self confidence until you don’t feel deserving of anything.”
I had no doubt he was speaking from experience, but I didn’t ask, and he didn’t elaborate. He left me alone after that, and we spent the rest of the drive in silence. It wasn’t until we’d reached the ski resort and climbed out of the Escalade that he finally said, “You have to want it, Libby. Admitting that the relationship is unhealthy is a good start, but it isn’t enough. If you don’t genuinely want to give him up, then we’re wasting each other’s time.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever fully want to give Owen up, but I didn’t want to let him keep using me, either. “What exactly are we doing with each other, anyway?” I asked as I led Adam through the parking lot toward the mountain. “How do you plan to help me?”
“Every twelve-step program is a journey. It’s actually a very spiritual experience for the person taking the steps. It requires a leap of faith. My job as your sponsor is to take that leap with you and sort of guide you through the process. You’ll have to do all the work. I can’t take the steps for you, but I can show you the way. I’m here to hold your hand or give you a nudge when you need it, point you in the right direction if you can’t see clearly, and pick you up if you fall.”
We reached the base of the mountain and immediately hit a wall of people. The mountain was packed because it was the last weekend of the season, and it looked like the competition had also drawn quite a crowd as well.
We headed toward the half-pipe, but within seconds we were swallowed by the crowd. After a small group pushed their way between us, I grabbed Adam’s hand tightly and began dragging him toward the competition. Adam startled at my touch, but didn’t pull away. He looked down at our hands and then did that infuriatingly sexy thing where he raises one of his eyebrows at me, as if demanding an answer.
Man, he could be so hot when he wanted. If I weren’t in such a hurry, I’d have stayed locked in that challenging stare with him until the snow melted. Unfortunately, there was no time to explore the tension that sometimes ignited between us. I rolled my eyes at him, pretending I wasn’t the least bit excited to be touching him, and started tugging him through the spectators. “Gotta move your honeybuns, Coffee Man. We’re late.”
“You know,” he said lightly as he followed me through the crowd, “when I mentioned hand-holding before, I was speaking metaphorically.”
“Well, that’s just too bad, because right now I need it in the literal sense. I don’t have time to lose you. It looks like they’ve already started, and I’ll be the worst daughter ever if I miss my dad’s first run.”
As if to prove my point, some jerk shoved past me, knocking my shoulder so hard that I nearly dropped Adam’s hand. I gave Adam a look. “See?”
Adam chuckled. Then, a few seconds later he relaxed his grip, shifting his hand in mine so that our fingers laced together. There was something intimate in the casual way he clung to me as we walked. It was as if he wasn’t hanging on for the purpose of staying together, but rather holding my hand simply for the pleasure of it. The way a boyfriend would. The way Owen had never done. The way no one had ever done.
It took everything in me not to stumble to a stop and gape at him. I glanced back as subtly as I could manage, and he met my eyes, smiling as if he didn’t have a care in the world. It was as though holding my hand was something he did every day, something so natural he didn’t even have to think about it. It was thrilling and yet so nerve-racking that it was a relief to reach the barricade separating the general public from the VIPs, breaking free of the crowd. Except when we cleared the mass of people and I stopped to show my passes to the security guards, Adam didn’t let go of my hand. He continued to casually stroll along with me. It was so mind-boggling that I forgot to hand over our passes until the guy at the entrance asked for them.
When the security guard read the passes, recognition lit in his eyes. “Your Sean Garrett’s girl, right?”
“Yeah. He hasn’t hit the half-pipe yet, has he?”
“Nah, you’re good. He’s toward the end of the lineup today.” The guy saw my relief and smiled. “It sure is a sad day in the world of snowboarding.”
The fact that he knew it was my dad’s last competition made me smile. “Positively tragic,” I agreed. “Unless your Tobin Rhys.”
The guy laughed and handed me back my passes. “Too right, little lady.” He stepped aside and let us into the VIP stands. “Good luck. All the guys on the mountain are pullin’ for your old man today.”
I gave the guy a salute as we walked past. “As they should, my good man. As they should.”
“Tobin Rhys?” Adam asked as I dragged him to an empty seat on the bleachers.
“The closest ranked boarder after my dad. My dad’s retiring, and this is his last competition. With Dad quitting, Rhys might have a shot at the next Olympic trials. It’ll be a sad world indeed without Sean Garrett competing anymore, but all is not lost. He and my mom are opening up a snowboard/skateboard shop in Spanish Fork—just down the road from Jo’s, actually. He’s pretty excited about it.”
“Cool. It’ll be nice to have…”
I looked up to see what had captured Adam’s attention. His eyes were glued to the guy coming down the half-pipe. He seemed captivated by the guy jumping, twisting, and flipping his way down the shoot. His rapt interest was adorable. “Scott Stevens,” I told him, smiling. “He’s got to be my favorite boarder of all time—next to my dad, of course. The man is genius on a snowboard. You should watch the videos on his website. He gets creative.”
“That’s amazing,” Adam breathed reverently. I don’t think he blinked once the entire time Stevens worked his magic. Then he stayed mesmerized through the rest of the competition.
Libby
“You see?” I teased Adam after we’d snagged a quick lunch and he was the one in a hurry to drag me back to watch the finals. “You haven’t even tried it, and you’d totally give up a car to be able to do this all winter long every year.”
Adam nodded. “I totally would.”
His obvious love for the sport was all I needed to forgive him any past grievances. “You know, you’re really not as bad as I originally thought.”
Adam pulled his eye
s away from the snow for a minute to smirk at me. “Does that mean I’ve progressed back to plain old ‘Coffee Man’ instead of ‘Coffee Jerk’?”
I bit back my own smile and pretended to consider it. “Possibly. I’ll think about it, at least.”
Adam laughed. “I won’t hold my breath.”
I was surprised at how much I’d enjoyed this day. I hadn’t realized how little fun I’d had over the past year. I’d spent less and less time with my friends, and while I’d enjoyed the time I spent with Owen, we never just hung out and had fun like this. I took in a big breath of the fresh mountain air and sighed contentedly. “Thanks for coming with me today. You’re way better company than Avery at these things. She usually just sits here texting Grayson and complains about the cold.”
“Are you kidding? Thank you for bringing me. This is probably the coolest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I’m glad. I’d happily bring you from now on, but since this is my dad’s last competition, it’s probably the last time the passes will be free, so I don’t foresee too many of them in my future.”
“Ouch. It really is a sad day, isn’t it?”
I laughed again. “Like I said. Tragic.”
We settled into our seats, ready to see my dad kick butt in the finals, when Adam had to go and kill the mood. “So…did Owen know this was your dad’s last competition when he blew you off for a future hangover?”
I gave him a look that sincerely expressed my annoyance with this line of questioning. “Hence the reason I dumped him last night, okay?”
“Sorry. I had to bring it up. I’ve been completely slacking on the job today. We’re supposed to be talking about this, remember?”
“I thought we were supposed to be making me forget Owen, which, miracle of all miracles, I managed to do all day until now.”
“As happy as I am that you haven’t spent the day pining over the prick, we do have to talk about this. You can’t walk the road to recovery if you don’t know how.”
I wanted to groan, but I managed to resist. “Fine. Enlighten me, spiritual leader. Guide me. I’m ready.”
