The nagging sensation of disappointing them knots me up.
I hate how in everything I do, there would be speculation afterward that I chose one party over the other when, in reality, they are all my family.
I press the phone to my ear, my foot dangling on the floor waiting for Quinn to pick up. He answers, and I spring to my feet, blurting, “Hi, Dad. You have all the reason to be upset with me, but please hear me out.”
His sigh rings through my ear, and I plop back on the couch. “Hello, Bria. I’m listening. But first, are you all right?”
I hate when people I love don’t have enough trust in me when it comes to Damien. My soul breathes and lives his.
“I’m sorry, but whatever there is between us, we have to solve together. Being only the two of us, we might find a solution, a way in which we can look past the things that don’t let us have a life.”
My insides twist at the half-truth, but I’m talking to the one man who holds Damien responsible for everything bad in my life. He won’t even try to understand how my love for him will always find for me a way back to him. Even though Quinn might hate it, he won’t stop me either. He must see us interact together from another perspective. Then he can decide if he can trust Damien or not and give us his blessing. Quinn’s a man of action, so regardless of my choice of words, he’ll trust what he observes rather than what he hears.
“There’s only one question I’m interested in hearing your answer to. Are you all right?”
I throw my head back and count the six wood panels supporting the room. “Of course, I am. Why won’t you accept that I am not in danger with him?”
“Honestly, because I don’t trust him with you.”
Wow, this is going well.
His lack of trust is entitled, but it’s unjust to put the entire blame on him. I was the one who willingly shut down. Selfish or not, I chose that path for myself. It was how I coped with him not being in my life anymore and losing everything that mattered to me.
“It’s not fair. If you want to be angry with someone, be angry with me, Dad,” I plead, and he puffs.
“So, for you he’s the innocent and you’re guilty as charged.”
“I don’t say he’s innocent, because he isn’t, but do you think I want to be portrayed as the victim? I don’t want to live in the past, but in the present.”
“With him? Let me help you then. Tell me you want him in your life.”
Infuriatingly brilliant, is it any wonder I became a successful career woman with him as my mentor? I purse my lips as I don’t have the courage to admit it, not yet. In response to my silence, he sighs, “I’m proud you’re willing to overcome what pained you for so long, but it’s too soon. You have to live with your decisions. A decision can be made quickly, but the problem is we live with the consequences for an undefined amount of time.”
A confession slips through my lips. “My heart will always be in the way when it comes to Damien. I can’t seem to be able to turn it off.”
“Not only don’t I trust him, I also don’t trust you with him. Because excluding everything else, he’s engaged to your cousin. There are aspects in life, things we have done that tell more of us as a person than everything else.”
My hands ball into fists at my side. I shut my eyes, anger and hurt consuming me from within. He has me where he wants me, faced with a logic I can’t ignore. “Do you think I don’t know? It haunts me. I try to forgive him, but how can I forget and forgive that he’s engaged to her? I gave them my blessing and I meant it, but now I’m like Monica. I can’t rub off me the shame. Love should never be an excuse to do something like this, and still, I can’t stop myself.”
The hurt pulsates in me, my head drops, and I sniffle.
This one reason is the biggest one to overcome. I can find excuses for him, and I’ll keep finding excuses for him, but not for this. I can’t understand or don’t want to accept that behind his action was some rational reason. Because it wasn’t, plus the idea I’m some affair turns my stomach and slices my heart.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. But sometimes in life what we caused might not be redeemable. Where are you?”
“On an island in the Caribbean.”
“Should I send the jet for you?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine, though.”
“I’m torn.”
“Time helps.”
“You should know,” I say, and my hand flies to my mouth. Regret tugs at my insides as images of me passing his room, peering through the cracked door at him crunched up in bed, Tonia’s photo tucked to his heart. He’ll go to bed paralyzed by guilt and remembering his love.
“I’m sorry.”
Silence engulfs us, but neither of us hang up, and then he offers, “Love, my dear, is the most desirable thing in the world. It’s rare and has some unique attributes to it. It’s a treasure men and women would sell their souls to find. They’d do anything to protect it.”
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“Weigh well.”
I catch my reflection in the window, where a huge frown covers my expression. The conversation leaves me bereft as I stare at a dolphin family jumping around, squawking, and my heart soaks in this moment of peace.
With newfound resolve, I call Alex remembering he had something on his mind the day of my return. Something is up with him. I have to find out what, and my stomach throbs with worry. I open my mouth, but he shouts, “Have you any idea how many times I called you? I even wrote you messages. Are you even there?”
“Hi, to you, too. Can you stop yelling? I kind of like hearing.”
He huffs and relents as his voice lowers to normal. “Where are you?”
“We’re on an island. I’m still alive and breathing. Can you believe it?”
He muffles a chuckle and grunts out, “How often should I say your jokes aren’t funny?”
I still, shock spreads through me as I hear another a voice, a feminine one and squeal, “Alex, is there someone with you?”
A pause stretches while I close my eyes, an image of his fingers scratching his head whenever he’s taken by surprise.
“I . . . well, sort of . . .”
He chuckles, and I bite my happy smile and demand, “We’ll have a very serious conversation as soon as I return.”
“I can’t wait for it. Let me warn you it’ll blow your mind.”
“Not funny. Is she good to you?”
It’s the hesitation that has my heart halting and reveals so much more.
“Yes, she is.”
His answer eases something in me. I love him, and I’ve wished for him to find someone who can love him the way he deserves.
But then he ruins it.
“Are you jealous?” The playfulness behind his voice tugs at mine.
“Do I need to be jealous?”
“Never.”
“I miss you. Ten days. Then you’ll spill it out.”
“Me, too. Remember we’re family, and we don’t yell at each other.” I shake my head, knowing yelling will be involved.
“If you’re scared that I might yell, you have far bigger problems than I initially thought.”
“Try to remain open-minded, Bria.”
“I will. You’re lucky I love you.” The words slip from my lips and set me free.
He gasps and responds, “It wasn’t even that hard, was it? For someone who has been waiting such a long time to hear these words, I realize I knew it all along.”
“Thank you for being a part of my life.”
“Always.”
As we hang up, I feel as if Alex has gone through a transformation too. He’s the same, but somehow also different, in a good way—he sounds happier, more relaxed. The notion of change pulls at me. Strange to know he now has someone in his life when, for so long, it was just the two of us. He had his share of one-night stands or affairs he would never acknowledge or confess. When sleep eluded me all those nights as he stumbled toward hi
s room at the crack of dawn reeking of female perfume, I got my answer, even though he brought no one home. But this time it’s something else, something more, and if he wants to tell me, he must be serious about her.
Relief surges through me, and a smile spreads on my lips. I’m glad the love we share transforms itself in what I always wanted, a family bond kind of love as it always should’ve been.
I wrap my arms around me. Things won’t go as smoothly with the other man in my life.
DAMIEN
I step inside while she admits her love for Alexander and my body freezes. I stare at her while her face crunches in deep thought. In front of me stands the woman I love, while she thinks of another man.
The pain, my jealousy, and love tear me apart, and the storm inside me clouds my mind. But one hacks me to pieces—I can never get past it. I might love her with an all-consuming madness, but to forget there’s another one she’s in love with, impossible.
I can’t picture myself facing day after day the thought she might ask herself what happened if she chose him over me. He’ll always be a part of her life. I can’t say a damn thing about it. My hands clench into fists at my side. Maybe, as a man, I’m not strong enough, but I know my boundaries and they end where he begins in her life.
I had her once, all of her was mine. Now she’s a woman I’d share her love with another man, and I cram my fist into my mouth. Why did I come inside at this instant? In a twisted way, I am relieved, though, aware of what I have to face but can’t tolerate.
I’m such a selfish and possessive bastard, but I love her too much to accept and share her. It has always been all or nothing with us. What happened to our all? Did we succeed in putting the pieces together but failed to oversee the signs that caused the rupture?
I find her eyes in the window locking my entire being in a hazel prison.
Anger, hurt, and jealousy vanish as realization dawns on me. Even scrapes of her keep me alive. One flicker of her love can ignite my entire world and put it on repeat. Still, it would dim out as soon as she answers the one question I hate to ask her. “Do you regret being here with me, Bria?”
She swirls on her heels, and her hand flies to her heart. I startled her as if she didn’t expect me at all or being interrupted from her thoughts. She tilts her head to the side, her eyes narrowing at me. “What are you talking about?”
Confusion laces her words as I trudge to her, my voice dropping to deadly.
“Let me refrain then. Do you regret being here with me instead of him?”
Irritation transforms on her face, and she points at me, a fire burning in her eyes. “If I wanted to be with him, I would. Instead, I seem to prefer being the dirty affair of an engaged man.”
Her words yank me out of my trance. The two things we can’t put past us dangle between us. Why do we still torment each other like this? Ah, right, I guess we love to fight for lost causes. I run my fingers through my hair, inch toward her and grumble, “Look who’s talking. You let me between your legs. I took you a few hours ago only to witness you declaring your love to another man.”
She strides to me and pokes me in the chest.
Hmm, what’ll we break this time around as I survey the room? The statues are in no danger, but the plates, the vase, the bottles sparkling in the bar, a different story.
“You’re a complete idiot.”
My eyes widen, and I rub my temples, a headache throbbing. “Why am I an idiot now? I heard you!” I dip my head and sneer, “Feeling again has changed a lot of things for you like being able to finally share his.”
My body jerks with the mix of anger and hurt ripping me apart. She throws her hands above her, then bends to pick up a pillow and casts it at me.
If it weren’t so damn sad, it would be hilarious. A pillow won’t hurt me, her words, though that’s something entirely different. Her eyes scan the room for something else she could use with better effect and land on the table. She rushes to and halts in front of the elongated, oval-shaped vase, grabs it, and my body switches to high alert while I survey a place to duck. A pained cry escapes her quivering lips, and a second later she slams it against the wall. The flowers scatter on the floor and the glass shatters at her feet. She will cut her feet, but before I move to her to prevent it, she darts away. I suppose the plates come next, but she stills, breathing heavily, her palms thumping on the table. Her hazel eyes framed in a fury seek mine.
“I pictured the wall being your face, quite refreshing.”
My pulse spikes to a hundred. I shoot, bitterness ringing in my ears, “Why the fuck didn’t you throw it at me directly, then?”
Her lips, those carnal lips curve into a smile. She undoes me. “I kind of like your face, plus I’m not good at stitching.”
Is she kidding me, or have we finally lost our damn minds?
“You behave like a crazy person. Should I worry?”
She bites down on her lower lip and shrugs. Her eyes find mine, and my heart swells with the love she ignites in me.
Let’s fight then because if our love isn’t worth the fight, then we’ve already lost.
“What else do we have to lose, Bria? I tell you nothing, nothing at all.”
Her eyes well up, and her hands ball to fists and she slams one on her chest. “You call what we have nothing, you insensitive bastard? Is my love for you nothing? Or that my stupid heart beats only for you? Even if I have to fight myself for a lifetime, I would choose you over and over again. Is this nothing to you?”
Her eyes burn with anger, but her words breathe life inside me, and I mumble, “Stop insulting me.”
Her head and shoulders drop, her entire fighting posture deflating. “Sorry for caring so much. You’re right.”
“What the fuck are we doing? Look at us. What do you see?”
“Two idiots, one bigger than the other.” The bitter remark flees her body, and I rush to her.
“No, Bria, you see two people who can’t live without the other but also don’t find the way to live together. Answer me this one question even though knowing the answer might destroy me, but I need to hear it. I can’t keep pretending it is okay when it’s not.”
Her hands fidget with her dress, and a light shiver rocks her. “What question?”
“Do you love him?” Our eyes collide, and she drags in a lungful of air.
With the parting of her mouth, my heart rips. “Yes, I love him,” and my world crumbles at my feet.
I crane my head to the ceiling and shut my eyes. I can’t fight this. I’ll try, though, even if it kills me. I yank at the ends of my hair and turn to leave to gather myself.
Her sigh pierces the haze of my thoughts, and she goes on, “I’m not done, Damien. Listen, before you make another mistake by leaving me and not giving me the chance to explain myself. Remember what happened the last time you thought that justice was on your side? Allow me to refresh your memory . . . you shattered us. Not this time around. If someone is to leave, then it’ll be me, so we’re clear.”
Her words halt me. She guilt-trips me when she just admitted to loving someone else. What’s one more cut to my heart, one more pain to wear. I slump on the couch and clasp my head between my hands. I deserve this. Nothing will change it. Don’t I know what I caused? Don’t I know what a bastard I am? But all I want is a chance to prove I’m redeemable because I love this woman, there’s nothing and no one above her. She should leave me and never look back. But she loves me, so she won’t, reminding me once more I’m not the good guy.
She drops to her knees and cups my face in her hands. My heart leaps, acknowledging her unmatched beauty. Her eyes command my soul, and I relent. She has me and keeps me prisoner. I cover her delicate hands in mine, as my hungry mouth trails kisses on every finger and on every spot my lips can find.
“You make a fool out of me.”
The corners of her lips twitch and amusement rolls off her tongue. “I can’t make you what you already are.”
“You’re right, always a fool i
n love when it comes to you. I don’t want to share you.”
She rests her forehead on mine, a sigh dangling in front of us. “Stop with the nonsense. Of course, I love him. He’s been a part of my life for years. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I’m sure I wouldn’t have made it through without him. He’s my family like Quinn, my parents, and my brother. But you’re not jealous of any of them, so why can’t you get it through your thick skull there’s no competition. I’ve never loved another man this passionately, crazy, and all-consuming as you. I love him, but not as you think. You’re a fool if you believe otherwise. But if you still doubt me, you’re free to go.” She points toward the door, and I shake my head.
“Let’s say I believe you. Will it be enough to make you trust in me?”
She drags her bottom lips between her pearly teeth, hurt glistening in her eyes. “It’s not the same.”
“You’re right, it’s not the same. I’ve never loved her, never touched her, and you’re still incapable of forgiving me or trusting me enough. When I say there was no one I let in my heart other than you, it’s true.”
She springs to her feet and asks, “Would you be able to do it if you were in my place?”
It would’ve been helpful to lie in this situation, but we must bare our souls. If we’re to put it past us, we have to build it on trust and truth. It’s a better and more solid fundament, anyway.
I plead with my eyes for her to understand me. “I don’t know, Bria.” My head drops, shame creeping up my neck.
She tips my chin up and asks in her sweet voice, breaking me further, “But you ask of me the one thing you couldn’t do.”
“I just hope you can accept me as I am with all my flaws and mistakes.”
She climbs to her feet, turns on her heel, presenting me her back while she crosses her arms around her. I rise to my feet, plod to her, and press her back to my chest. I burrow my face in the delicate crook of her neck, and confess, “The night we shared on your birthday altered everything in me. I found a way to hope and believe. After years of living in a blank state, I found the door to life again. Don’t hate me for being selfish and possessive, as everything I want is for you to let me love you.”
Healing Love: A Billionaire Romance (Forever Us Book 2) Page 11
