I owed Mikki an apology, but I couldn’t go to her, not yet. Not until I figured out how I felt about everything. I never gave much thought to being a father in the real sense of the word, maybe in far off abstract terms. But this was real, and I needed to know I could do it before I let Mikki lean on me. “Are we done yet?”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No!” I growled at Janey and she snapped a few more shots, only her satisfied grin showing beneath the lens.
“Thanks for that. That’s a wrap!”
“Finally!” Bo shouted, like she actually did something all day other than sit around in nature and make out with my brother. “I need some grilled fish in my life.”
“All that making out like horny teenagers works up quite the appetite, doesn’t it?”
She glared, flipping me off for good measure. “Sure does. You should see how ravenous I am aft—”
“Babe, let’s not. Okay?” Jase turned to me with silent concern. Asking if I was all right.
“I’m fine. I’d feel a lot better with a beer.”
“Let’s get moving then, old man.” Bo patted the side of her pickup just as Janey pulled away, probably to get started polluting social media with more Hometown Heroes photos.
“Who are you callin’ old, woman?”
“The man with the gray whiskers in his beard,” she replied, stroking her chin and barely suppressing a laugh.
“Blond whiskers,” I corrected and slid into the back seat so I could rest my leg for the short drive back. We were on the far side of Bo’s property, but five minutes later, I could hear the music and the laughter. The conversation.
The party in full swing.
“I’ll go grab those beers, bro. Go sit down and try to have some fun, if you remember how.”
I could have argued and I halfway wanted to, but it wasn’t worth the effort and I was in desperate need of an hour or two off my leg. “Thanks,” I muttered more to myself than Jase, because he was long gone and so was Bo.
I found a spot on the back deck overlooking the water where I could get lost in a couple beers and my thoughts. Every time the door opened, I nearly sprained my neck looking to see if it was Mikki. Every round of cheers for a new arrival and I was craning around in search of some vibrant and flirty dress that made my fingers itch to undress her. But it wasn’t her, not the two dozen or so times I actually turned, or the times I closed my eyes and listened for that the husky note in her laugh that drew you right in and made you want to tell her every joke you knew, just to hear the sound again.
But it wasn’t her. Not once, and that made me mad at myself on her behalf. She shouldn’t have to sit at home because of me, because I’d been an ass to her. Instead of being here, laughing and enjoying good food and ice-cold drinks with her friends, she was at home, pregnant, and alone.
Pregnant with my baby, and alone.
Mikki
I loved sitting in Big Mama’s diner just after the lunch rush was over. The scent of French fries and greasy burgers still lingered in the air, plus the loud hum of conversation was now at a low murmur that was more relaxing than distracting. It was late enough in the day that my appetite had returned, and I giddily smiled down at a big piping hot bowl of chicken vegetable soup and grilled cheese on a thick, crispy brioche bun. My mouth watered even as I brought a triangle of the sandwich to my mouth with shaky hands, still worried I might get sick at any moment.
I downed the first bite without any hassle so I knew today would be a good day, one where I got to eat a full meal. One that wouldn’t make a reappearance later in the day. I was ravenous and feeling good, damn good considering the mess that was my personal life. But professionally-speaking, things were great. Online sales had succeeded my projects, which meant I had exactly fifteen minutes before my two o’clock showed up to interview for the part-time clerk position at Pretty Feathers. It felt like an accomplishment, so I made sure to really enjoy every bite as I swallowed it down.
The applications sat to my right, even though I’d read all four of them backwards and forwards. Two were more than qualified and probably wouldn’t be satisfied with a lowly part-time position, and the high school girl might have potential. But everyone was getting a fair shake today. Everyone.
I was so lost in enjoying my success and my sandwich that I didn’t see the one person who wasn’t getting a fair shake until it was too late and he was sitting across the table from me. “Fancy running into you here.” He flashed a wide, charming smile as if he really expected me to flash one right back, especially after what he insinuated.
I kept my expression even, refusing to show him a smile or a scowl. “Now isn’t a good time for me, Nate.”
His smile dimmed, just a little, as he leaned back and got comfortable in his seat. “If I wait for you to find a good time, it’ll never happen. So, I’m taking this time for us to talk.”
I shook my head in disbelief and glared at the nerve of the man. “You really have no regard for anyone but yourself, do you?” I thought it was just my anger coloring my view of him, but nope—he was exactly who I thought he was.
“I just want to talk, Mikki.”
“No.” I pointed an accusing finger at him, my heart rate pumping fast and hard in my chest. “You just barged over here like I’ve been sitting around town waiting for you to find me. Well, I haven’t. I’m here conducting interviews for my business, and I don’t have time for another round of insults.”
He looked unaffected, as usual, and I tried not to let that sting too bad. “We can talk until your next interview arrives. Then, I’ll leave.”
I wanted to scream and tell Nate to go screw himself, but it would all be pointless. He would continue to be unaffected, and I would be even angrier and more bitter. Plus, we really did need to have a talk, and the back of Big Mama’s was as good a place as any. As hurt and angry as I felt, this had to be done, so I sucked it up and nodded. “Fine. What exactly do you think we need to talk about?” It could be anything and I refused to hazard a guess.
Finally, that unaffected look faded and was replaced with guilt and possibly a bit of anger in his green eyes. “I owe you an apology, Mikki. The accusations I flung at you were unfair. And mean. And cruel.” And unnecessary, but I didn’t see any need to pile on when he’d clearly beat himself up about it. At least a little. “I really am sorry, Mikki.”
I thought I would feel more when or if Nate ever apologized, but I didn’t feel anything. Not relief or resolution or anything else. I felt… nothing. “Apology accepted.” What different did it make what he thought when he wouldn’t be around for his opinion to matter?
Nate leaned forward, propped up on his elbows so his forearms were on full display. Taunting me. “Why did that acceptance feel a little too easy?” He smiled and, goodness, I ached for that smile, but I had to push it down. Now was the time for practicality, not whimsicality.
“Was that all?” Those three little words were enough to dim the confident charm he wore like an old leather jacket, and I missed it as soon as it was gone.
“No. We should probably talk about the other stuff, too.” He looked around and leaned forward as if this was some kind of covert exchange, which told me everything I needed to know about his feelings on our child. “The baby stuff,” he whispered.
“I kind of figured that out, Nate.”
“Right.” He sat back, looking like he’d just gone a few rounds with the champ—completely overwhelmed was the best way to describe it. First, he blew out a long, terrified breath before raking one hand and then the other through thick auburn locks. “I’m sorry, Mikki, I don’t know how to do this.”
“I appreciate your honesty, Nate. I’m choosing to have this baby and I’m prepared to do it on my own, if necessary. You still have about seven months to figure out what you want to do.” This conversation was easier than I’d thought, if I didn’t think too hard about it.
“Does that mean you’re staying in Tulip?” His expression had switched
to inscrutable, and I couldn’t figure out his emotions based on his words.
Feeling defensive, I folded my arms and sent a longing glance at my quickly cooling soup. “You saying there’s a reason I shouldn’t stay?”
“Dammit, Mikki! I’m not saying anything, I’m just asking for a few damn answers.”
So he could figure out what he would do. I knew that, but I didn’t have to like it. “I don’t have any answers for you, Nate. You’ll have to figure out how you feel, whether I stay in Tulip or not.” If he thought I would make this easy for him, well, he had another damn think coming to him.
He opened his mouth as one hand scraped down his beard, sending a delicious thrill through me even though I knew he was only preparing an argument against what I’d just said. But I could also see a young blond flouncing up the aisle and I knew it had to be Britt, my two o’clock. “Mikki, just give me a damn minute to—”
“Your time is up, Nate. My interview is here.” I stood with a welcoming smile, jaw clenched as Nate stood, too, staring down at me as if he could intimidate me.
He glanced to his right and spotted the teenaged girl headed straight for us, and then looked back at me. “We’ll pick this up later.”
“Or, better yet, when you make up your mind.” That way, we wouldn’t need to draw this out for the length of the pregnancy. If he opted out now, I’d get peace until the baby came, but if he dragged out his own decision-making—well, I didn’t even want to think about that. I flashed a smile up at him, hoping he’d get the point that there was nothing to talk about.
Finally, he broke the staring contest and stepped back. “See you soon, Mikki.”
I kept the smile on my face, ignoring Britt’s concerned look while I asked my questions and then graded her while I waited for the next interview. I rinsed and repeated for the final interview of the day before ordering another round of soup and sandwich.
I was feeling hungry and strangely hopeful when I got home and got comfortable before tackling my second lunch. Three bites in and I fell asleep on the sofa.
Again.
Nate
No matter how many days had gone by, I couldn’t stop thinking about Mikki’s words. She thought I was trying to save face, that I was hedging my bets based on where she ended up. And as much as it niggled and poked at me, I couldn’t deny it. Not fully. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted to know if she was leaving before I made up my mind, but maybe I didn’t want to be the reason she stayed somewhere she was unhappy or uncomfortable.
Yeah, keep tellin’ yourself that.
Okay, maybe it was also because then it took the decision out of my hands, but it was unreasonable not to be terrified of becoming a father. Of being responsible for a little person that you never stop worrying about. Ever. Ma, as beautiful as she was, had aged an extra decade thanks to mine and Jase’s antics.
“Please don’t tell me you pulled me out of my woman’s arms to watch you wearing a sad bastard hang-dog expression.”
I turned at the sound of my brother’s voice and smiled. “No, but I have been told I’m pretty, so I wouldn’t mind if you did enjoy the view.”
Jase barked out a laugh and shook his head as he gave his old apartment, the one he’d lived in since Ma left Tulip for good, a long look. “Don’t be silly, everyone knows I’m the pretty one.”
“True. The ladies tell me I have more of the ruggedly handsome thing going on.” I stroked my beard, laughing along with my brother like I didn’t have the weight of the damn world on my shoulders. “I’m moving down here.” The idea came to me late last night—moving downstairs would make things easier in general, but especially if I needed to maneuver around with a baby.
Jase frowned, his broad shoulders shrugging like it was no big deal, probably also wondering what the hell was wrong with me. “Fine by me. Why?”
I blew out a long breath and nodded for Jase to follow me from what Ma used to call the parlor but what was more of a foyer, and into the living room. “A few pizzas and a case of beer and the emergency services rookies will do just about anything.”
“Good to know.” He laughed and looked around with raised brows. “You’ve been busy. Again, why?”
Here goes nothing. “Because I figure it’ll be easier carting around a baby and baby shit if I don’t also have to climb twenty-two steps every time I forget something.”
Jase nodded but it wasn’t his attentive nod, it was his pretending to listen nod. “Makes sense, I guess. I mean… wait, what? Baby shit… you’re having a baby? With who?”
“I’m not having a baby, Mikki is. Dumbass.” I sucked in a deep breath and gave a very abbreviated version of my history with the pretty little shopkeeper. “She told me I could be involved or not. What the hell does that even mean?”
“Sounds like she’s giving you what she thinks you want, a way out.” His words had a bite to them. “Is it what you want?”
“Yes. No. Hell, I don’t know, and that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?” How is she supposed to take me seriously when I’m acting like a child? “What the hell do I know about being a dad? We barely had one, and when he was around, he wasn’t really a dad.” He was a life-of-the-party dad, the one who never stuck around for the tough stuff or the serious stuff. He was a good-time father—and that was being kind. “I don’t want to be that kind of dad.”
Jase laughed at me. Pointed and laughed. “Man, you couldn’t be like our old man if you tried. You are a natural-born mother hen, always up in everybody’s business and trying to solve their problems. Whether they want you to or not.”
I glared at him and dropped down onto the sofa so I could prop my leg up on the sofa. In another couple weeks, I’d be walking completely on my own and I couldn’t wait. “You make me sound like Ma.”
“Well, you did learn from the best.” He clapped me on the back and dropped down beside me, putting his big booted feet on my table. “The question is, Nate, do you want to take part in raising a kid right now, or do you want to take the out she’s offering? I won’t judge you either way.” I knew he wouldn’t. Jase rarely judged, which was probably why people considered him the nice Callahan brother.
I thought about it, walking away from Mikki and my kid, and the idea didn’t sit right with me. Instinctively, I knew I couldn’t do it, couldn’t walk away from my child. My own flesh and blood. “I’m not ready for this, not at all, but I’m going to do my best.”
“And that’s more than Dad ever tried to do.” His smile faded slowly as his hand landed on my shoulder. “We’ve talked about the baby, but what about the woman?”
“The woman,” I sighed, “hates my guts.”
“Maybe—and hear me out—you could try being a little nicer to her.” He shrugged. “It has been known to work a million or two times. This isn’t second grade; girls don’t respond to hair-pulling the way they did back then.”
I pushed him away and punched his shoulder while he continued to laugh. “Thanks, Jase.” He did have a point, though. I’d been trying to force my point of view on Mikki instead of listening to her. Seemed simple enough, but I’d failed every single time.
“Anytime, bro. If I don’t put you in your place, who will?”
“Bo? Mikki?”
That pulled another laugh from my kid brother. “Okay, you’re all full up on people who keep you on your toes.”
That much was true. “Is it weird I like it when Mikki puts me in my place?”
“Hell no. Sometimes I get Bo riled up just so she’ll tell me off. Gets me all hot and bothered, and then I get to make it up to her.”
“Make what up to her?”
He shrugged. “Whatever I did to piss her off.” Jase laughed at my bewildered expression. “You know that Ma is talking about sticking around a few months out the year now that her boys are settling down, don’t you?”
I groaned. “That means they’ll be right upstairs.” I loved my ma, I truly did, but the woman was nosy as hell, and having her so close meant
I wouldn’t have a moment of peace unless I was married and expecting.
“Just a thought: consider buying them a new bed for their anniversary. One without springs. Without. Springs.” The look of pure horror on his face was enough to make me bark out a laugh, but I didn’t want the details. “You do not want to hear them. I promise you that.”
I held up my hands. “I don’t want to know, Jase. Ever.”
“Good, because I don’t want to have to relive it—not for as long as I live. Now, what do you plan to do about Mikki?”
That was a good damn question and one I had no answer for. Yet. “Work a miracle?”
“Come on, bro. We don’t need miracles, we’re Irish.”
Mikki
Wednesday afternoon was, without a doubt, the most boring day in retail. There were very few customers even thinking about a new skirt or a new dress for that Friday night date, because most of them were still trying to get that date. Inventory came in on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and it was too early in the week for tourists. Which meant it was just me and my thoughts, alone in the shop.
Unfortunately, most of my thoughts bounced between the baby wreaking havoc on my body and the man who helped create that baby. Something weird was going on with Nate lately and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He was being nice, which was a change in itself, but that was probably because he was terrified of my out-of-control hormones—spontaneous tears were a very real thing. But it was more than being nice. Yesterday, he sent Hope to the shop with lunch for me. He asked Jase to fix the loose railing on the back porch, and he even delivered a case of ginger ale right to my front door.
He was being sweet, dammit, and I was unsettled by it. By all of it.
Thank goodness for the appearance of the delivery guy to break up my thoughts and the monotony of the day. “Hey, Karl. I’m not expecting any deliveries today.”
Misters of Love: A Small Town Romance Boxset Page 13
