“No darkness?” he pressed, squinting as he tried to gauge the truth of her words.
“No darkness.” She glanced back at George and when he came forward, she smiled at him. It was tentative and shy and reminded me of that first time I’d noticed her looking at him in the woods back in Virginia.
Something fluttered through the bond. It distracted me—and judging from the look on his face, him too. “Thank you for holding my hand,” she told him quietly.
“Of course,” he told her. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
She nodded at him and then turned her attention back to Janie. “What will we do with her?” Emma asked.
“Bury her,” Wes said.
“When you’re ready,” I added. Emma nodded wordlessly. I looked at Wes. “I’m going to shift in our room so I can get some clothes.”
“I’ll walk you,” he said.
I followed him to the door. When I looked back, Emma leaned against George, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Even if I wanted to, there wasn’t a thing I could say to comfort her. With a nudge from Wes, I slipped out and left them alone. Emma could say her goodbye and then we would bury one third of my pack.
Another one lost to the darkness.
Chapter Eleven
I came awake to an electronic pulse mixing with the nightmarish replay of Janie coming at me again and again. At the sound, I sat bolt upright and stared wild-eyed around the room until I realized the buzzing was a vibration. The phone’s ring had been set to silent. Somehow, in sleep it’d seemed as loud as a fire alarm.
The vibrating continued. I debated whether to answer. Before I could, the sound abruptly cut off. I sat up in bed, unsettled.
The buzzing began again.
I threw the covers back. Wes mumbled something before rolling over. I crept to the table by the door and picked up the phone. The readout listed the city and state of the caller. I darted out the door, pressing the button and whispering, “Hello?”
“Tara? Is that you?”
“Angela? What’s wrong?” Something was off about her voice. It sounded too … contained.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong, promise. I have news.”
Definitely holding something back. “What news?” I asked, hurrying downstairs and out of earshot of the others. A thousand possibilities ran through my mind. News of what? Steppe trying to kill her, evil hybrids spotted in the hospital, my mother had finally used her speargun—
“He’s awake,” she squealed.
I went still.
There was a shuffling noise on the other end of the line. I tried to make sense of her words. Maybe the nightmare had jumbled my thoughts. What was she—?
“Hey.”
The smooth baritone voice washed over me and my knees buckled. I slid to the floor somewhere between the front door and the living room. The hardwood was probably cold against my bare legs. I couldn’t feel a thing. My breath was gone. I couldn’t remember how to get it back.
“Breathe, Godfrey.”
From fingertips to scalp, my body tingled in barely contained excitement. And relief. And fear. And not a little bit of anger.
“We’ll get to that,” he said.
I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it.
“Can you … read my mind?” I asked, stumbling over the words in order to get them from my brain to my tongue.
He laughed and a wrecking ball of emotion slammed straight through me. “Um, no more than I always have. You’re easy to read.”
“I’m easy to …? You’re awake.” I’d made my tongue work. Now, I needed my brain to catch up.
“You’re quick.” He was obviously having fun with this. And he sounded so … himself.
“Alex.” My voice caught. I gave up on uttering anything beyond his name.
“It’s really me,” he said softly. When I still didn’t answer, he sighed. “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you want to kill me?”
I tried holding back the sob that rose but it was no use. It leaked out, one after the other, and within seconds I was bawling. The phone shook in my hand as I tried to get it together.
“Whoa, okay, okay, so an eleven it is.”
“Alex, you can’t … joke. I thought … you weren’t … going to …wake up … ever.”
I sniffled between words, sounding like a mess. But the message must’ve been intelligible because all traces of humor vanished as he said, “I’m sorry. I know it must’ve been rough. Angela told me you’ve been here every day.”
“Not anymore. I had to leave for a while.”
“I heard. Steppe really rescinded the amnesty treaty?”
“Yes. It’s open season on anything with fur.”
He didn’t respond to that and I wasn’t sure whether I was grateful or disappointed not to have that conversation. “St. John was on the news,” he said. “The humans are looking for him.”
“I know. We left.”
“Tara—”
“You have to be okay. Are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” he assured me.
“I’m so sorry I bit you, Alex. I didn’t know—”
“Stop. We’re not doing this.”
“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault, because it is. I bit you, Alex. Sank my venom-coated teeth into your skin and infected you. You’ve been in a coma for weeks. Don’t act like it’s no big deal.”
“Fine, it’s all your fault. I’m so pissed.”
“Don’t mock me. I’m serious.”
“Me too. I’m angry as hell. I can’t believe you bit me. What are we, five?”
I scowled. “Whatever. You’re the one that attacked us.”
I froze, waiting for him to comment on how I’d lumped myself in with the hybrids he’d come to kill. Instead, his voice tightened as he said, “I’d like to have this conversation in person.”
I fidgeted with the hem of my shorts to keep from reacting too quickly. The idea of seeing him in person made something in my chest jump up and grab my throat. I wanted to see him awake, alive. I wanted to watch him talk and laugh and interact with open eyes. I needed that. Maybe for my own guilt, but no matter the reason, I couldn’t deny how badly I needed it.
“Will you explain everything?” I asked, keeping my voice as neutral as possible.
“Everything,” he agreed.
I barely hesitated before I said, “Deal.”
“Good. In the meantime, are you somewhere safe? This thing with Steppe sounds serious.”
“Yes. I’m with Wes and George. No one will find us.” I left out Emma, unwilling to explain her—or the rest of them—just yet.
“Good.”
“I’m not going to tell you where I am.”
“I wasn’t asking.”
“Good.”
He snickered. My stomach flipped. “It’s good to hear your voice,” I said.
“Funny. I heard yours even before I was awake.”
I thought of all the times I’d pleaded with him to wake up, to come back. Not just to life but to me specifically. What would he think of that if he knew? “Do you remember any of the words?”
“No, a sound. Like a song without lyrics. Weird, right?”
“Weird,” I agreed.
There was a moment of silence and I tried to think of something else to say that wasn’t better left for a face-to-face conversation. There was so much I wanted to know from him. The anger and excitement alone were enough of a battle. It took me a while to realize the raw feeling in my gut wasn’t necessarily my own. When I understood the possibilities, my fingers tightened around the phone and I went rigid.
“Alex … how do you feel right now?” I asked slowly.
“Fine. Why?”
“Not medically. In your head. Or your heart. Or whatever.”
“Um … well, if I’m being honest, I miss you.”
I had to bite back another round of tears. “Put Angela on.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“I can’t�
� Put her on.”
There was some shuffling and then Angela’s voice came over the speaker. “What’s wrong, Tara?”
“I’m coming home.”
“What? When? You can’t—”
“It’s important. You have to stay with him until then. Don’t let Steppe get to him. Or you. Okay?”
“Okay—”
“I mean it. Be careful, Ang. If you think Steppe is going to try something, get out of there. Take Alex with you.”
“What is this about? You’re acting crazy.”
“I can’t talk about it right now. I need to figure this out. I’ll call you when I know more.”
I hung up and powered the phone off before she could argue. I stayed where I was on the floor and folded my knees into my chest. Then I pressed my hands to my tear-stained cheeks and wished like hell the word ‘bond’ didn’t exist.
“You should maybe sound less determined when you voice your intention to your alpha boyfriend. At least make him think he gets a say in the matter.”
I whipped my head around. “George, you scared me.”
“Good. You need a healthy dose.”
George brushed past me, his back rigid. I scrambled to my feet and followed him into the living room. “Alex is awake,” I said.
“I know.”
“He seems all right.”
“I know.”
I lowered my voice and added, “Except that I felt him missing me.”
His voice dipped in a way that was more from anger than an attempt to keep the conversation quiet. “I know.”
I stopped. “Well?”
He threw his hands up. “Well, what, Tara? You want me to give you permission to leave the complete safety of our current location and march right back into the lion’s den to lay eyes on a boy you recently decided you love only slightly less than your current boyfriend, just to satisfy your own guilt over almost killing him?”
I blinked at him.
“Is that what you want from me right now? Because that’s what it sure as hell seems like and it’s not going to happen.”
“George, I …”
“Don’t try to lie to me, either. I’ve heard it all already.” He tapped his temple with one finger. “One too many times.”
I folded my arms across my chest, unable to help the stubbornness that rose to the surface—or the argument before it slipped out. “It’s not like I can be hurt. Their weapons are metal. I’m immune.” It was a weak argument at best, reckless at worst. But it was all I could think of. George’s words riled me: he could hear it? As in, hear my exact thoughts?
“And what about Wes? Is he immune too?”
“I … don’t know.” And I realized then I really didn’t know. After I’d learned about my immunity, I’d spoken to Wes about letting Astor test him as well but I’d never asked him if he’d done it or what the outcome had been. It wasn’t surprising I’d forgotten about it with everything else that’d happened afterward. Olivia, the hybrids, Alex. But why hadn’t Wes said anything?
“Maybe you should find out,” George said. “Because you’re crazy if you think he wouldn’t follow you wherever you run. Even straight into the fire. Especially then. And I’ve lived through your guilt over almost killing one person you care about. I don’t think you could handle it again.”
I hated so very much that George was right.
George gulped the milk from the carton and disappeared upstairs with the makings of cereal. He said something about checking on Emma but I barely heard him.
George was right. Wes would never agree to go back. Not for this. Not for the ‘other guy,’ and I knew no matter what I said, that’s how Wes viewed Alex. The competition. The other choice. It was a conversation we’d been avoiding, but if I brought this to him, there was no way we’d be able to shove it aside any longer.
But even knowing that, I couldn’t make myself stop wanting to find a way to get to Alex. I told myself it was because of the possibility of a bond. It sounded weak, even to me.
I paced the length of the hallway, back and forth between the entryway and living room, until Wes came down. His hair was in its usual disheveled state after waking and his lids were heavy. He smiled when he saw me and kissed my temple, his hand brushing my shoulder. Underneath his fingernails was a layer of dirt. There’d been no shovel so he’d dug the hole for Janie’s burial in his wolf form.
We hadn’t spoken of her since yesterday when we’d carried her blanket-clad body to the edge of the clearing and placed her in the ground. Emma had cried silent tears while George held her. I’d stood rigidly beside Wes and pictured ripping out Steppe’s throat until the urge to cry disappeared. It was too much, this loss of another pack member. The darkness was an intangible force, but Steppe was something solid. Something I could exact vengeance from. And I fully intended to.
“Morning,” Wes murmured against my ear, forcing me out of my runaway thoughts. “Coffee?”
“No, thanks,” I said.
He disappeared around the corner. George’s disapproval came through loud and clear. I did my best to mentally shove him out. Then I followed Wes into the kitchen.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
“Shoot.”
“Did you ever let Astor test you for the metal immunity?”
He blinked, looking a little surprised by my question. He didn’t answer until he’d turned his back to me and busied himself with the makings for coffee. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to know.”
“But that’s silly. If you can’t be hurt, then—”
He swiveled to face me and cut me off. “I could still be hurt, Tara. So can you. Just because the metal itself won’t hurt doesn’t mean the placement of a stake wouldn’t have the same effect. You’re not invincible.”
“I didn’t say I was, but the immunity makes it harder at least.”
“I don’t want to operate under the assumption I’m harder to kill. It would make me reckless.”
“I’m not reckless. I’m confident,” I said.
I watched as he poured himself a mug from the carafe and sipped slowly. “Why are you asking me about this now?”
I took a deep breath and blew it out. “Alex is awake.”
“That’s great. So, he’s going to be okay then?”
“I think so. Medically, anyway. But …”
“But?”
“I think I felt something from him.”
He stilled, the steaming mug halfway to his mouth and stared at me over the rim. “From him or for him?”
I pressed my lips together. “From him,” I said through closed teeth.
“What does that even mean? As in, you read his mind?”
“It means I felt an emotion that wasn’t my own while we were on the phone. I’m pretty sure it was his. And if so, that means we’re …”
“Bonded,” he finished.
“Maybe,” I squeaked.
“Maybe?”
“I don’t know. It was different than the others.”
He set the mug down and braced himself with his palms on the counter. “Can you feel him now?”
I searched my awareness but all I sensed was George—eavesdropper—and Emma. “No.”
“But you’re sure you did earlier?”
“No,” I admitted. “Not a hundred percent. And it worries me.”
“It worries you that you might not have a mental connection with him?”
“No, it lasted for the time we were on the phone and now it’s gone. I don’t know what that means, but I think it’s important. It’s the same thing that happened with the pack. Steppe took them away and the bond went with them and now I don’t feel them at all.”
“And are you sad and empty now that you can’t feel Alex?”
His words cut into me. I straightened, planting my feet. “No. I’m worried because he’s my friend. Because maybe whatever’s causing this means he isn’t actually medically okay. He did recently wa
ke up from a coma.
“And I thought maybe, if we can figure out the bond thing, it will help me get the bond back with the pack so we can find them and save them. Which is the reason I asked if you’d let Astor test you for the metal immunity. If you had, we’d know whether we stood a chance against them by turning and facing them instead of running and hiding.”
“That’s it, then. That’s what this is all about. You want to leave.”
“We can’t hide forever.”
“You were fine with it until he woke up.”
“No, I was not fine! I’m still not fine,” I shot back. “I’m a mess. It’s like my brain has detached from my body and nothing makes sense. For days, I haven’t eaten or slept or been able to think through a decision. After what happened with Janie yesterday, it got worse. But right now, finally, I have a fight in me again. I thought you did too. Guess I was wrong.”
I turned to go but Wes was around the corner and blocking my path before I’d taken two steps. He rested a hand on either of my shoulders. “Tara, wait.” He sounded defeated. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
I crossed my arms. “I don’t want to defend myself to you anymore. Not about him.”
His jaw tightened and his eyes flickered to some spot on the wall behind me for a moment before coming back to my face. “You don’t have to. I was wrong.”
Some part of me knew what it took for him to admit that, but I couldn’t appreciate it right now. I meant it when I’d said I was ready to fight, and he’d made himself the bad guy. I wasn’t backing down.
“It’s not about him, or not in the way you think. It’s about saving lives. If we’re the only ones who can, don’t we have a responsibility to try?”
“We are trying.”
“We’re just sitting here.”
“Sometimes, being a leader means sitting back and forming a plan, a strategy. It’s the difference between chess and whack-a-mole.”
I wrenched my shoulder free of his hand. “Whack-a-mole?”
“It’s a carnival game. A mole pops up and you have to hit it with this—”
“I know the game. That’s what you think I’m doing?”
“I think you’re reckless for wanting to leave. Leaders plan. And they don’t always get to be on the front lines. Sometimes you have to fall back and regroup.” His tone wasn’t even angry anymore. It was more condescending than anything. Like he knew better and wanted nothing more than to teach me the right way. Like a child coloring outside the lines. Inside the void in my chest, resentment flared.
Blood Rule (Book 4, Dirty Blood series) Page 16
