by penny watson
Ulrich Munsterman
Assistant to Sven Klaus
* * *
From: Andrea De Luca
Subject: Interview and Tour
Date: September 28
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
To Whom It May Concern:
I find it interesting that very little information is available about Klaus Enterprises on the Internet. Although there is a list of trustees on your website (all with the last name Klaus), none of their addresses are listed. I also discovered wedding announcements for Nicholas and Lucy Klaus and Oskar and Kiana Klaus, but no mention of the locations for these events. All of this, coupled with the fact that Sven Klaus is refusing an interview, is most perplexing.
Mr. Munsterman, you wouldn’t be attempting to placate me with the gift certificate, would you? (Thanks, by the way).
Andrea De Luca
* * *
From: Sven Klaus, Klaus Enterprises
Subject: Hey from Sven!
Date: September 29
To: Ms. Andrea De Luca
* * *
Hi, Ms. De Luca! Sven here. I’ve been busy working on a new steam engine design. The moisture is warping the wood, so I’m trying to fix the problem with environmentally friendly products.
Ulrich told me you’ve been corresponding. So glad your nephews liked the airplane kit. How far have they gotten it to fly? My brothers and I had a friendly competition, and Wolfie won. His made it 76 feet.
Klaus Enterprises has been in business for generations. My father (CEO) wants to keep our toy construction top secret and not allow competitors to view the designs. So we have no tours at the factory. Sorry. There’s nothing nefarious going on.
Thanks for writing.
Sven
* * *
From: Andrea De Luca
Subject: 78 feet!
Date: September 30
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
Dear Mr. Klaus,
Thank you for personally responding to my email. I noticed your commitment to the environment on the website. I can see from your bio that you definitely have the whole hippie vibe going on (nice tie-died T-shirt and Birkies).
We also conducted a friendly little competition with the airplane model, and I won (not that I’m ultra competitive). 78 feet. You might want to tell your brother to work on his technique.
Funny how you keep avoiding my question about your workshop location. I understand wanting to prevent competitors from stealing your family secrets, but there must be some part of the studio I could see.
Maybe we could just hang out for an hour or two, drink some herbal tea, and chat about how Klaus Enterprises is staying “green.” What do you say?
Andrea
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: Travel Plans
Date: October 5
To: Andrea De Luca
* * *
Dear Ms. De Luca,
Yes, I am very passionate about the environment. In fact, I’m just about to take a trip with Love The Earth, a nonprofit group dedicated to restoring natural habitats that have been destroyed by unsafe deforestation practices.
So sorry I won’t be able to help out with your article. Maybe later in the year?
Sven
* * *
From: Andrea De Luca
Subject: Putting Me Off Won’t Work
Date: October 5
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
Dear Sven,
Putting me off won’t work. Did I tell you my nickname? It’s “Pit Bull.” I’m sort of tenacious about getting a story. I contacted Love The Earth, and they said their next replanting session isn’t happening until the spring.
How about a telephone interview?
Andrea
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: Andrea De Luca
Date: October 6
To: Ulrich Munsterman
* * *
Hey Ul. That De Luca chick is driving me nuts! She’s still harassing me about an interview and tour. Did you send her a gift certificate? Any ideas how to get her off my back? Also, we need a new shipment of walnut by Friday. I’m running low.
SK
* * *
From: Ulrich Munsterman
Subject: Irritating Customer
Date: October 7
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
My apologies about Ms. De Luca! I must concur with her self-assessment. She appears to be a pit bull. I sent her all the approved materials concerning our toy workshop and Klaus Enterprises’s philanthropic projects. I will start sending her Out Of Office emails.
Walnut is ordered.
Ulrich
* * *
From: Klaus Enterprises, do not reply
Subject: Out Of Office Update
Date: October 7
To: Andrea De Luca
* * *
Sven Klaus is currently out of town. He will respond to correspondence when he returns.
* * *
From: Andrea De Luca
Subject: You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide
Date: October 7
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
I know you’re checking your emails, Klaus. Just wanted to let you know my research concerning the Klaus family has proven quite interesting. I am following up a lead about your family’s ancestors in Bavaria, Germany. If you don’t agree to an interview, I’ll just have to work on this article independently. Who knows what fascinating tidbits of information I’ll turn up?
Sincerely,
Andrea “The Pit Bull” De Luca
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: Nice Threat, Pit Bull
Date: October 7
To: Andrea De Luca
* * *
Ms. De Luca,
I was actually considering your request for a telephone interview, but I’ve changed my mind. I don’t respond to threats. Research away, Ms. Pit Bull. Klaus Enterprises has nothing to hide.
Have a nice day,
Sven Klaus
* * *
From: Santa
Subject: Inappropriate Emails
Date: October 8
To: Sven Klaus
cc: Nicholas Klaus, Gregor Klaus, Wolfgang Klaus, Oskar Klaus
* * *
Just to remind you boys…no matter how rude and/or irritating a customer may be, we NEVER get into an inappropriate email exchange. (Got it, Sven?) Your mother is making chicken cacciatore tonight for dinner. Don’t be late. (Who’s bringing the Chinese food?)
Dad
* * *
From: Oskar Klaus
Subject: Even Hippies Get The Blues
Date: October 8
To: Sven Klaus
cc: Gregor Klaus, Nicholas Klaus, Wolfgang Klaus
* * *
Whad up, Hippie Boy? Dad’s on your case. I thought you were a pacifist.
* * *
From: Gregor Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
Sven’s in trouble? Not Oskar? Has hell frozen over?
* * *
From: Oskar Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
Hilarious, Greg. I haven’t been called in front of the Council for at least…um…a week. Having a wife, kid, and magik snowman has given me respectability. Also, I’ve been too busy with the new library construction to get into trouble.
* * *
From: Wolfgang Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply to All
* * *
Need help, bro? Who ya sending “inappropriate emails” to?
* * *
From: Nicholas Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
Sven, thanks for the new worktable for Klaus Küche. Lucy loves how you made a holly-and-ivy b
order. It’s fantastic. Having problems with a customer? What’s going on?
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply to All
* * *
A “Pit Bull” reporter is harassing the holy hell out of me! I’ll forward her emails. Any ideas about how to handle it? I don’t have time for this. I’m trying to stick to my production schedule for Christmas.
P.S. Nick—So glad Lucy likes the table! I used Indian laurel and olive woods for contrast.
* * *
From: Gregor Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
She sounds like trouble, Sven. Not a good idea to have a pit bull investigating Klaus Enterprises. You should try to smooth things over.
* * *
From: Nicholas Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply to All
* * *
Do you want me to send her a batch of chocolate truffles? Lucy and I just whipped up a batch. I agree with Greg. You need to apologize and pour on the charm.
* * *
From: Oskar Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
Nick, can you send a batch of the truffles over to my place? ASAP. I’m having a chocolate truffle emergency. And they’re Gabi’s favorite treats. (Tell Lucy I said hi).
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
Okay, maybe a box of Klaus truffles would be a good idea. And I’ll send her an apology. The last thing I need is a distraction like Ms. De Luca. She is a serious pain in the arse.
See you guys at Dad’s house. Who’s bringing the take-out?
* * *
From: Oskar Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
I’m on it. Moo goo gai pan for everyone!
* * *
From: Wolfgang Klaus
Date: October 8
Reply To All
* * *
Thanks, O.
Sven—Good luck with Ms. De Luca. After you butter her up with some truffles, she’ll be putty in your hands.
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: Apology
Date: October 8
To: Andrea De Luca
* * *
Dear Ms. De Luca,
I must apologize for my last email. I am honestly going out of town. I have a business trip as well as some charity work. I don’t think I’ll be able to squeeze in any interviews. Maybe next year?
Gotta run…my mom’s making chicken cacciatore for our family dinner.
P.S. A complimentary box of Klaus Küche chocolate truffles will be sent to your snail mail address (we have it on file from your previous order).
Sincerely,
Sven Klaus
* * *
From: Andrea De Luca
Subject: Oregano Makes It
Date: October 8
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
The key to a good chicken cacciatore is lots of oregano. Is your mom a good cook? How about we tentatively schedule a phone interview for later in October? It will only take a few minutes, I promise.
I love chocolate truffles!
Andrea
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: Mom Burns Water
Date: October 8
To: Andrea De Luca
* * *
My mom is hopeless in the kitchen. She once blew up the microwave trying to cook broccoli. I’m hoping my brother Nicholas and his wife are helping with dinner tonight. They are both experienced chefs. Otherwise, our back-up plan is Chinese food.
Late October sounds fine for a brief phone interview. I’ll let you know when I’m back in town.
Sincerely,
Sven Klaus
* * *
From: Andrea De Luca
Subject: Charity Work?
Date: October 8
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
What charity work are you doing during your time off? Just curious. Have a nice dinner.
Andrea
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: New York Children’s Literacy Project
Date: October 10
To: Andrea De Luca
* * *
My brother Wolfgang is Director of Charitable Donations at Klaus Enterprises. He’s organizing a fundraiser for the New York Children’s Literacy Project in Manhattan. It’s a black-tie affair. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to wear my Birkenstocks. But it’s for a good cause.
My assistant, Ulrich Munsterman, will be taking care of my correspondence while I’m away.
Sven
* * *
From: Andi De Luca
Subject: I need tickets!
Date: October 11
To: Hannah De Luca Andersen
* * *
Sis! I DESPERATELY need tickets to the New York Children’s Literacy Project fundraiser coming up in November. Can you get me some? Thank you!
Love ya,
Andi
* * *
From: Hannah De Luca Andersen
Subject: Are You Crazy?
Date: October 12
To: Andi De Luca
* * *
Are you crazy? Do you know how much those tickets cost? Even if I knew someone on the board (which I do), we cannot afford those tickets. It’s for the rich and famous, not the down-to-earth De Luca sisters. The boys miss you. When are you coming over for a visit? I hope you’re not still bothering Klaus Enterprises. You gotta let that go.
* * *
From: Andi De Luca
Subject: Pretty please!
Date: October 13
To: Hannah De Luca Andersen
* * *
I’m doing another feature about the Literacy Project. That’s it, I swear! How about two tickets? You can be my date for the big night. We’ll get all glammed up. I know you can sweet talk one of those board members into a couple of freebie tickets.
Please!
Andi
P.S. You are the best little sister in the world!
* * *
From: Hannah De Luca Andersen
Subject: You are pathetic
Date: October 17
To: Andi De Luca
* * *
I can’t believe it, but John Carlton gave me two tickets! I think he still feels sorry for me since David passed away. So you’ve got a date. :) The boys told me you let them watch a horror movie last night while I was out shopping. What am I going to do with you? They keep asking me gross questions about body parts falling off, if zombies have to go to the bathroom, etc. Thanks a lot.
See you soon,
Love,
Hannah
* * *
From: Sven Klaus
Subject: Operation Pit Bull A Success
Date: October 27
To: Ulrich Munsterman
* * *
I haven’t heard from the Pit Bull in a while. If she emails about a phone interview, just stall her. Hopefully, she’s off my case. I’ll be in Manhattan until mid-November, and then I’ll head back to Glasdorf after the gala. Thanks for covering for me at the workshop.
Talk soon,
SK
* * *
From: Ulrich Munsterman
Subject: Good News
Date: October 29
To: Sven Klaus
* * *
Glad to hear the Pit Bull is no longer bothering you. She seemed quite determined to investigate Klaus Enterprises. I sincerely hope she is off the case.
Have a nice time in Manhattan.
Re: New York Children’s Literacy Project Gala… Don’t forget your dress shoes (no Birkies allowed).
“Whoa. You sure clean up good. Who knew? It’s hard to tell under those baggie overalls
you usually wear.” Harry Croft stared at Andi with lust in his eyes.
“Give it a rest, Harry. It’s just a dress.” Andi perused the gadgets on the table while Harry perused her ass. “This one’s too big. I need a really small discreet tracking device that Sven Klaus will never notice.”
Harry reached over and grabbed a box. “This here’s what you want. A totally customizable web-based system. It’s tiny, uses GPS to determine location within fifteen feet, is water resistant, and has five days of rechargeable battery power. It’s perfect. You can sneak it into a briefcase, drop it in a pocket. He’ll never notice.” He rubbed a weary hand over his five o’clock shadow. “Never seen your hair down before. It looks like silk.”
