by Jessica Daw
He smiled—was that a relieved smile? “I love traveling too.”
I had to smother a laugh. This conversation was ridiculously awkward. “Cool.”
He suddenly stood up. “Do you want your towel?” he asked as he hastily walked to where his was.
I sighed and stood up too. “Sure.” He tossed mine to me without meeting my eyes. What was his problem? I brushed sand off my wet swimsuit and dried off as best as I could. If Will hadn’t been acting so weird, I would’ve wanted to stay and swim longer, but as it were . . . I pulled my clothes on.
He was apparently leaving too. When I looked at him again, he was fully dressed. “Want to walk back with me?” he asked.
Not at all, but I wasn’t quite far gone enough to say that. “Sure,” I said unenthusiastically.
He didn’t reply, just started walking. How had I had any fun with him? I fell in behind him, not speaking either. If he wanted to walk with me, he could supply the conversation. Was his invitation to walk with him supposed to be a courtesy? I laughed silently at the thought—if it had been a courtesy, it sure hadn’t done its job.
When we reached the edge of the woods, he turned and faced me. “Lilly,” he said decidedly. “I need to ask you something.”
“What, Will?” I asked tiredly. “Ask it quick, because I’m hungry and my skin is itching for a shower.”
His face got all inscrutable again. Why was he so good at being unreadable to me? It was seriously starting to bug me. “Never mind. Goodbye.”
“Bye,” I said, but he’d already turned away. I stood for a moment, blankly watching his retreating figure. What had that been all about?
chapter ten
My phone buzzed. I’d tossed it on the bed after the studio tour (which had been awful) and hadn’t picked it back up. I considered ignoring it. I was on a really good streak music-writing-wise. While my mind had wandered during our mind-numbingly boring tour, I’d come up with a few ideas for a song and they were shaping up nicely.
It kept buzzing. I sighed and heaved myself out of the chair I’d settled in, tossing myself across the bed and putting it to my ear, saying hello as I rolled onto my back.
“Lilly? It’s Liam.”
My heart did a little happy thump-thump. “Hi, Liam!” I was smiling. Liam was just so . . . nice.
“Hey,” he said.
“Wait—how did you get this number?” I asked as it occurred to me I hadn’t given to him.
“Ah. I asked my aunt if she had it, and she got it from Collin,” he confessed, his Irish brogue making the explanation charming. “Do you mind?”
“That Collin’s giving my number away to your aunt? Yes. That it ended up in your hands? Not in the least.”
He laughed warmly. “Good. Then can I ask your plans for the evening?”
“You have my permission,” I said, still smiling.
“What are your plans for this evening?”
“Either a sunset hike with a handsome colonel or a quiet dinner with a blue-eyed Irishman,” I teased.
He laughed. “Now I’m either vain for assuming you’re referring to me or dim for not catching on.”
“Tough position,” I said sympathetically.
“Your understanding is appreciated. But I really would like to take you to dinner, if you’ll come.”
“I’d love to, Liam,” I said. It would be nice to spend the evening with someone normal.
And it was. A date with Liam was exactly what I needed. He was completely comfortable to be around. He was a gentleman, opening doors for me and drawing my chair out, and his good humor and easy manners did wonders for me. He didn’t try to kiss me, and I found I was glad. He was attractive, but I didn’t want a romantic relationship right then. I wanted a friend, and Liam was just that.
When I got home and Charlotte was waiting up for me, I felt guilty for not wanting to spend more time with her.
“How was it?” she asked me.
“Really nice,” I said truthfully.
“I’m glad you’re having fun,” she said with a smile, and I felt even worse because there wasn’t anything that could so much as hint at accusation in her tone.
“I’m sorry I’m not spending more time with you, Charlotte,” I said, my guilt seeping into my tone.
She shook her head. “You’re with me all day. It’s fine if you go on hot dates in the evening. Besides, he’d be a good boyfriend. I think he has some family money.”
I had to laugh at that. “Oh, Charlotte, never change.”
She grinned. “It’s true,” she said, lightly defensive.
“You’re right. I was being unreasonable,” I said, smiling back at her. “Hey, let’s watch a movie,” I said impulsively. “You can tell me all the ways you’d make the script better and I’ll tell you how they should improve the score. Deal?”
She made an apologetic face. “Collin’s home. He’d want to join.”
“Lame,” I complained. “Maybe tomorrow.”
“Maybe.”
Neither of us said anything for a moment. I realized then that things couldn’t be the same between us while she was married to Collin. I felt oddly hollow at the thought and couldn’t think of way to break the silence.
“Goodnight, then,” Charlotte said, sounding a little hollow herself.
“Goodnight.”
“I don’t know why it surprised me,” I told Liam the next day. We’d been walking through the forest for over an hour and had finally sat down on a fallen log. Liam, I’d discovered, was incredibly easy to confide in. I’d told him all about my fears that I’d lose Charlotte—that I’d already lost her. “The thought that things couldn’t be the same anymore.”
He’d started rubbing my back, but there was nothing even trending towards romantic in the gesture. It was just comforting. “Maybe they can’t be the same, but change doesn’t have to be exclusively bad.”
“How can change that includes Collin Williamson be good?” I asked, looking up at him.
He laughed, squeezing my shoulder and dropping his hand, folding it with his other and resting his chin on it. “You’re making it hard for me to provide solutions for all your problems.”
“Thanks for trying, I suppose.”
“I guess it runs in the family.”
“Solving friends’ problems?”
“Yeah. Will was just telling me what he’d done for his friend.”
“What did he do?” I asked a little too quickly.
He raised his blond eyebrows but didn’t comment. “Rescued him from a bad girlfriend, apparently.”
Suspicions burst through my mind. I tried to tell myself to slow down. He wasn’t necessarily referring to Jane. “And what was wrong with the girlfriend?” I asked, attempting to sound casual.
He shrugged. “Will didn’t think she cared about Cade—his friend, that is—at all. He suspected she was just interested in Cade’s money.”
That had to be Jane. It had to be. I was sure Cade wasn’t going around and dating all sorts of non-celebrities. No, I was certain, and a flashflood of anger washed through me. “That wasn’t his decision to make,” I said sharply.
Liam cocked his head, his brows faintly furrowed. “Maybe not.”
I didn’t know what to say. Should I tell Liam what I was thinking? But I wasn’t sure he wouldn’t side with Will, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.
Will. I was sick. I’d gone swimming with the man who’d broken Jane’s heart, maybe for good. I’d smiled at him and checked him out and flirted. I’d flirted with him. What was wrong with me?
What was wrong with him? I hated him. I thought it with a vehemence that surprised me.
“Lilly?” Liam’s voice surprised me.
“Hmm? Sorry. My head just started hurting,” I lied.
I could see he didn’t believe me, but he stood and then helped me up. The part of me that wasn’t burning with fury was grateful that he didn’t insist on knowing what was really wrong. “I’ll walk you home.”
“I guess you won’t be able to come to my aunt’s house tonight,” he said as I opened the door.
“What? Oh, I’d forgotten. No, I don’t think I can.” My stomach twisted in hot, angry knots at the thought of seeing Will.
“You’ll be missed,” he said with a half-smile.
“Thanks, Liam,” I said, hugging him impulsively. I almost asked him to stay, just to have something solid and comforting while my head was spinning, but I needed to be alone.
“Bye, Lilly. Feel better.”
“Bye.”
Once he was gone, I found Charlotte in the kitchen and told her I thought I may be getting sick and was going to go to bed.
I didn’t expect I’d be able to fall asleep. It was only noon, and my head was spinning, but I slept straight until Mariah came in to ask if I was coming.
“What?” I asked vaguely, sitting up slowly.
“Aren’t you coming to Catherine de Bourgh’s tonight?” Mariah repeated.
“No. I’m really not feeling very good. Tell Catherine I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.” As if.
“You really aren’t coming?” she asked, her eyebrows raising about a mile.
“Really really,” I said, managing a small smile. Mariah was so . . . Mariah.
“Okay,” she said, eyebrows still flying high.
When the house was finally silent, I went downstairs, settling on the window seat, savoring the warmth of the sunset. Which was why I couldn’t pretend to be asleep when Will Darcy came. He saw me—his eyes met mine—as he walked up to the house.
He rang the doorbell. I froze. I almost didn’t answer. He didn’t deserve common courtesy. But I discovered I couldn’t quite do it. Maybe he’d come over to . . . what?
That’s why I answered, more than anything. I didn’t know why he’d come, and I was curious.
“Lilly.”
“Will.” I sighed. “Come in.”
He walked straight past me into the living room. I followed, sitting on the edge of a chair, hoping he’d sit too.
He didn’t. He started pacing instead. Great.
I waited for him to start talking. I was on the verge of asking him why he’d come when he stopped and faced me.
“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to do this, but I have to tell you the truth. I love you, Lilly.”
My mind went completely, entirely, utterly blank.
“I don’t know how to date you, you react so differently to everything I do and say than any other woman I’ve ever known, and no matter what I say you don’t believe me that I don’t like you, so I have to tell you I feel anything but dislike for you. I love you. I don’t want to, I didn’t mean to. You’re nothing like any of the women I’ve dated before, all women who come from backgrounds much more similar to mine than you, women who are comprehensible and logical and smile at me instead of telling me I dislike them.
“I tried to stop falling in love with you. I left Meryton as soon as I could after the filming ended and intended to never return, assuming I’d forget you. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I tried to think about your family, remember that any sort of relationship would mean becoming closer to your family who would test the patience of any thinking person, especially your younger sisters, who seem to have no concept of how to conduct themselves in public. Though I suppose I don’t know where they’d learn that, with such a mother as yours, and even your father has displayed a lack of class.
“But I couldn’t forget you, even with all of that stacked against you. I came to Hunsford because I heard you were here, and I had to see you. And every time I see you, incomprehensibly, you capture me further. You must feel something. I can’t be the only one.” He finally fell silent, staring straight at me with those deep blue eyes. I hated him for being so attractive just then, because a part of me was flattered that he claimed he loved me, and with those darn eyes staring right at me, it was hard to gather my fury.
Then I remembered Jane, and Yuri, and your family who would test the patience of any thinking person. “Let me reassure you, Will,” I began slowly, my heartrate doubling with each word. I was really going to do this. I was going to tell him exactly what I thought, after all this time. It was exhilarating and terrifying and I was going to tell him. “You are the only one. No. I guess I feel something, but it’s definitely not love.” My shoulders were stiff as stone, my fists clenched hard in my lap. I was still sitting. It seemed wrong to sally into battle while sitting, but I’d already begun and it was too late to stand.
“What?” Will asked blankly. If he’d seemed hurt, maybe I would have balked. But the emotion that was quickly gathering strength was a lot closer to rage.
“Yeah. You heard me right. You thought I’d be honored by your affections after you tried so valiantly to fight them because everything about me is completely wrong? Not so much, actually. I guess you should’ve known, since I’m apparently so different from every woman you’ve ever known, that I wouldn’t do what you expected. I bet you didn’t expect me to tell you that I will never in a thousand years like you, let alone love you. Oh, I’m sorry, was that rude? Huh. I guess I don’t feel that obligated to be polite to the pampered jerk of a rich boy who doesn’t want to love me but does anyway.”
By the end of my speech, he was pale with fury. “Should I have lied and said that I’d always dreamed of dating someone who works days at a boutique? Would you rather have had me pretend I’m excited to be associated with your family when I know your mother was after Cade’s money and your sisters are the worst kind of fan girls? Well, forgive me for being honest,” he said with biting sarcasm.
He didn’t get it, and it made me angrier. I needed to make this crystal-clear. “Even if you’d asked me out like a normal human being in love—nicely, that is—I wouldn’t have said yes. How could I when I know you were bragging to Liam about ruining Jane’s relationship with Cade?”
“I’m not going to apologize for that,” he said harshly, not showing any surprise that I knew about his hand in destroying Jane’s future. “I was trying to protect Cade from falling in love with someone who didn’t care about him.”
I laughed once, short and humorless. “My sister cares about everyone, and I’ve never seen her fall so hard for someone.”
“She had too many markers of a beautiful fortune chaser for me to ignore.”
“You put a whole lot of faith in your own judgment,” I said acidly.
“So my sin is trusting my instincts?”
“You are so stuck up! You could just admit that you were wrong. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? No. You don’t have to. Even if I were the one mistaken, and somehow failed to see that my sister, who is the kindest, gentlest, best human being I know, is a beautiful fortune chaser, that wouldn’t matter. I know your capacity for vengeance. Yuri Wickham told me what you did to him.” There. I’d said it. I’d thrown the worst accusation I had against him. I was breathing hard, as if I were running rather than sitting.
“Yuri?” he asked disbelievingly. His mouth twisted in a bitter smile. “Please, explain to me how I’ve wronged Yuri Wickham,” he said, his voice warping around Yuri’s name.
“You did everything you could to ruin his future with no motive but jealousy!” I exclaimed.
“I ruined his future,” he repeated with disgust, his nostrils flaring.
“And—your specialty—you separated two people in love,” I added.
His eyes blazed. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I know enough,” I spat.
He nodded, mouth curled in a sarcastic smile. “No wonder you’re rejecting me. You obviously believe I’m a sadist who lives to torment those unfortunate enough to
come into contact with me. No,” he said, raising his hand to stop me from speaking, his scornful smirk deepening, “you’ve said all I need to hear. Please, forgive me for having the audacity to tell you I love you. It was clearly a mistake.” His words were clipped and light and sharp as razors.
I took a breath to respond, and then let it out, no idea what to say, and inexplicably disappointed that that’s where it had ended—he was turning away. I realized I was on the verge of tears. But he walked out the door before they fell. He didn’t slam it, like I would’ve, just shut it behind him and . . . walked away.
As soon as my blood started flowing again, I raced up the stairs into my room and screamed as loud and long as I could, then burst into great heaving sobs that shook my whole body. I was furious and confused and dizzy and exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home.
After a while, the sobs calmed, but the tears kept up, going from hot and fast and fat to cold and slow and painful, continuing until the skin around my eyes burned and my pillow was soaked.
I hated Will. I hated him for telling me he loved me, I hated him for what he’d done to Jane and Yuri, I hated him for making me feel like this. I hated him for making me hate him.
His words kept running through my mind, phrases and sentences circling each other, impossible to ignore. Tell me how I’ve wronged Yuri Wickham. I came to Hunsford because I heard you were here. Too many markers of a beautiful fortune chaser. Every time I see you, you capture me further.
I heard the front door open, and Collin’s long-winded voice rambling downstairs, then footsteps and my door swung quietly open. My eyes were closed and I couldn’t find the willpower to open them.
“Lilly?” Charlotte. “Are you awake?” she whispered.
I nearly didn’t respond, but I found enough of a voice to say, “Yes.”
The word was scarcely audible, but apparently she heard. “Are you alright?”
“No,” I said, another tear falling.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Do you want to be alone?”
“Yes,” I admitted, my voice hollow.
“Mariah will sleep downstairs. She won’t mind.”
