“But what could control something like that? Fate? God? And I mean, my God, not your stupid old god bullshit?”
Merlin shrugged again but didn’t say anything.
“Do you really believe any of that?”
“I believe anything is possible.”
“Must be nice,” I muttered, and suddenly thought about Jacob 2.0 again, the one who had gone back in time in her timeline that had sparked a rescue effort that only resulted in them finding the Other Me’s body and journal. I wondered what had happened to Jacob 2.0. Had he connected with some alternate version of Varus? Varus 3.0? If he had, he probably wouldn’t have lasted very long since it was clear that Artie 2.0’s timeline had been completely unaware of the orb at all until they’d found the Other Me’s body.
Or he may have become an emperor.
Actually, is more likely that he had found nothing in Syria and had simply died there. Just another casualty of war whose body had simply disappeared, much like what had happened to Archer in my own timeline. That, at least, would explain why he and I hadn’t connected.
“There is no point speculating on that, Jacob,” Merlin advised, “but enough about alternate realties and the Multiverse for now. I could draw timelines with pieces of silverware for days on end, and it would leave you no less confused. Such things are simply not important for your story to continue.”
I coughed out a laugh. “Nice Looper reference.”
Merlin smiled. “I appreciate that you have seen so many movies from which I can draw references. It makes all this much easier. Now… what else are you curious about?”
I kneaded my brow with a hand as I thought, finally remembering where the story had left off. “So what happened when Romulus returned? Could you have given him access to use the blue orb like he asked?”
Merlin nodded slowly. “I could have, but didn’t. Looking down at him in that moment, I’d learned my lesson, realizing that they hadn’t been ready. With Remus lost somewhere in time or space, alive or dead, alone and unable to use the red orb, and Romulus back in Rome with the blue orb, also unable to use it, the status quo had resumed. Neither boy could operate their orbs.
“I’d thought Romulus would kill me, to be quite honest, but instead he banished me for treason. He was devastated at his brother’s loss, not upset or angry, but saddened beyond description. He was very emotional, as were their troops, and when I tried to take the blue orb back from him, his men struck me down. They thought me dead, but Romulus knew I was not so easily dispatched, and had me taken here, to Britain. When I awoke months later, I chose to remain in self-imposed exile.”
“But why didn’t you go back with an army and take it back? Obviously you still have power and resources at your disposal or I wouldn’t be here.”
“Because I could do neither. I was alone, and physically unable to return to Rome.”
“What do you mean?”
“Rome is forever lost to me, a place I shall never return to.”
By now, I understood that Merlin would have clarified had he had any intention of doing so, but since he hadn’t, I knew it was a moot point, so I reluctantly moved on, once again placing my face in my hands as I tried to process everything I was learning. “But if Romulus could only control the red orb, how did he even return with the blue one?”
“An excellent question, and one I do not have an answer to, but one I am certain you will discover on your own.”
I shook my head within my hands, once again realizing such a vague answer was going to be left as such.
My next question came out very softly. “How could you let all of this happen, Merlin?”
“I believe I already told you that the orbs muddy things. The powers of the old god are not one to be trifled with. They make things unclear to me. Disrupt things. They are, to use another of your wonderful sayings, a huge pain in my ass.”
I smirked and lowered my hands. “Mine too, and theirs as well, it seems. You know, this is all kind of funny in a sick and twisted sort of way, because I always assumed Romulus would be the violent dickhead of the two. History remembers Remus as the victim in all this, but now I know it wasn’t so black and white.”
“They were twins,” Merlin said. “Two sides of the same coin. They had their faults, but one always compensated for the other. They were perfect compliments, and very nearly the last of a generation that was so inherently… special. It’s why I gave them joint access to the old god’s power. I had no reason to suspect one would grow jealous of the other, and it was unfortunate that Remus never really had the opportunity to understand just how powerful his orb was, even on its own.”
I nodded. “Seriously, although it’s a shame that it’s also a double edged sword, more likely to drive someone insane than help…”
I purposefully trailed off, hoping Merlin would get the hint for once.
“I was always planning to elaborate on that, Jacob,” he said. “I assure you.”
I didn’t answer, letting my look of impatience do my speaking for me.
“I’m sorry, Jacob, I truly am,” Merlin said. “The orbs were never meant to be wielded alone, and certainly not by anyone other than Romulus or Remus. When I separated its power, I separated its safeguards as well. The blue orb, as it is, affects the mind. The red, the body. Had you for some reason found the red orb, your body would have suffered instead. It may have seemed much like intense radiation sickness or, even worse, you could have developed extreme mutations, and no, not like the kind in comic books.”
I flicked my eyes in the air. “I guess I got lucky then.”
“No, I do not believe so,” Merlin said. “The red orb may have killed you by now, but the blue orb will continue to warp your mind, worse and worse, day by day, but keep you alive.”
“Like with Caligula and Claudius,” I said, finally coming to a point in our discussions where I already understood the context.
“Exactly.”
“But why didn’t it happen to Varus? And why the four of us and no one else?”
“Pat yourself on the back, Jacob,” Merlin said with the first bit of humor I’d heard in a while, “because you did get one thing right. You, Varus, Caligula, and Claudius all share a genetic link to Romulus and Remus, although only you and Varus share a direct lineage with Remus, hence your ability to use the orb. It’s all in the eyes…”
“So Remus had children then before he disappeared?” I asked, cutting him off.
“Only one,” Merlin answered.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Wow,” I said, feeling giddy at the confirmation. “That’s pretty cool.”
Merlin smiled like a father enjoying his son’s own enjoyment of something well beneath him. “I suppose it is.”
“But, wait,” I said, thinking out load. “Then that means Agrippina is in the same boat. So why hasn’t it affected her? Or Varus, like I asked earlier?”
“Varus was a kindred spirit, Jacob,” Merlin answered immediately. “He was a gentle man and one who was very focused and driven. He didn’t let his mind wander into a quagmire of ‘what ifs’ and ‘how comes’ and he didn’t let it grind him down through fear, pride, avarice, seduction, indecision, or conspiracy. The orb would have affected him eventually, but his mind was well defended against outside influences. The likes of Caligula and Claudius, while perhaps good men at heart, were not so capable. The orb is simply too powerful for a human mind to handle. Some are just more capable of handling it than others.”
“But what about Agrippina?” I asked, not quite understanding. “She’s the worst kind of person, always looking out for what’s best for herself, no matter the cost.”
“It’s not about being good or bad, Jacob. It’s about how capable the mind is. Agrippina is many things, but unlike her brothers, she is not plagued by things that weigh on her mind. She is a determined, mindful person. She achieves her goals and is completely confident in the manner in which she accomplishes them. Her mind is well g
uarded, perhaps even more than Varus’ was.”
“But…” I started to say, the implications of his words saddening me.
“But,” Merlin said, his voice just as dour, “what does that mean for your own mind?
I dropped my head. “Yeah…”
“I’m sorry, Jacob. No one is perfect, but you know as well as I that your mind is a tortured one. It always has been,” he finished, pointing off toward my younger self who I saw was leaning against a back wall now, banging his head into it repeatedly in boredom or frustration, maybe both. “You are a product of your upbringing and your lineage. Romulus and Remus were head strong and inquisitive as well, but they never lacked in confidence. You, however, have never had faith in anyone, let alone yourself, and it is that doubt that harms your mind and keeps it constantly thinking, constantly blaming itself for everything, and constantly underestimating itself.”
“I can’t help it, Merlin,” I whispered.
“I know you can’t, Jacob. Nobody can help who they are. Nobody, not even me, is perfect. I’ve made my mistakes as well.”
I clenched my hands into fists and shook them above the bar before pounding them down upon it. “I just can’t stop blaming myself, Merlin! This is all my fault, and I’m so goddamned angry because of it. All the time. If not for me, everything would be different. Artie 2.0 wouldn’t exist and my friends and I would be home and not in this shit storm. I know life wasn’t perfect back home but at least I wouldn’t have been responsible for screwing up their lives and forcing this on them. And now, after everything I’ve done in the past few months under the orb’s influence… how am I supposed to live with myself? How am I supposed to expect Helena to keep loving me? How?”
I felt like crying like the whiney, wimpy, self-absorbed baby that I knew I’d become, but then I felt Merlin’s hand reach out and grip my arm consolingly. I turned to look into his eyes that were so supportive, so full of forgiveness and understanding that I wasn’t sure he was the same man I’d been with all this time.
My first tear fell, but then Merlin’s hand tightened. “You learn to live with yourself by realizing that none of this, none of this, is your fault. You must understand that.”
He spoke his words with such force that they caused my tears to dry up completely, but still I was left unconvinced.
“Easy for you to say,” I said.
“It is not easy for me to say, Jacob. Not at all. Because the fact is that all the fault you place in yourself should be directed at me. You see, the fault is mine. Mine, and mine alone.”
“What?” I asked, choking back one last tear.
He pulled his hand away and dropped both into his lap.
“You blame yourself for bringing your friends here. I understand that. But you have to understand that it’s my fault you encountered the orb at all. I gave both orbs to Romulus and Remus and because I allowed Romulus to maintain possession of the blue orb, it’s my fault that it was locked away beneath the Temple of Lupercal, and my fault you and Varus connected through them, and, therefore, my fault you are now trapped here. I can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am, because this responsibility has pained me equally as long as it has pained you.”
My first thought was to punch him right between the eyes, but the punch never landed. In fact, I never let it go. Not because I didn’t think it would be of any use, but because I realized that placing blame on Merlin wouldn’t help anyone. Just hearing his admission of guilt seemed more poignant to me than all the years I’d spent trying to justify my actions, not because I now blamed him, but because I finally realized that there must have been something in Merlin’s own past that had influenced the decision he’d made to give the orbs to Romulus and Remus in the first place. It may have happened all the way back at the advent of the Big Bang, or the creation of the old god or whoever the hell he was, but something had pushed him as well.
He wasn’t really to blame either.
Merlin smiled. “A good start, Jacob. A very good start.”
I finally wiped away the only tear to have fallen with a hand, and nodded with a smile of my own, feeling a hell of a lot better than I had just a minute ago, also feeling that perhaps when this was all over, I’d never feel quite so bad ever again.
“Thanks, Merlin,” I said.
“You are very welcome, Jacob. Very. Your acceptance of this truth brings me great happiness as well.”
I sniffed and tried not to think of anything in that moment, not really wanting to hear or understand any more. It really was all too much already. My eyes wandered around the bar area and I noticed that Foxtrot Alpha had left, possibly to grab a food order. I continued to look around when my attention landed on a big screen TV off to my left. Playing there was a football game between the Cleveland Browns and the Chicago Bears, with Cleveland leading by a touchdown at the two minute warning.
There were two minutes left in the game.
I turned back to Merlin, understanding. “We’re almost done here, aren’t we?”
He nodded. “You have already stayed far too long. I apologize for that in advance but I think we still have a little bit of time left. So, your final questions, please.”
I sat there and thought, but I didn’t need long. They were all there, right on the tip of my tongue, as if they’d been there all along.
“I need the red orb to get home, don’t I?”
“Yes.”
“Time and space,” I whispered, a smile growing as everything become as clear and vibrant as the morning sun. “This timeline is shot to hell. Too many dead and too much changed. In this timeline, 2021 is completely different.”
“Perhaps not completely,” Merlin interjected.
I bounced my head in agreement. “Perhaps not, but different enough to have at least caused Artie and Archer’s timeline to come about, although I guess that must have changed by now as well.”
Merlin dipped his head in agreement.
I continued. “But with the red orb, I can find my timeline. My reality. Blue to get to the year 2021, Red to get to Earth 1.0. My Earth. I can even use it to send Artie, Archer, and the rest back to their home as well…”
Merlin leaned back and smacked the bar. “Nailed it.”
But I wasn’t exactly so cheery. Artie and Archer had come here to change their timeline back into something a lot less horrible, but it can’t be changed. Their timeline, although recently created by me, was just one among an infinite number. I couldn’t change their timeline and I couldn’t send them to another because they wouldn’t belong. I would have no choice but to send them back to the place to which they had no desire to return.
I wondered how Archer would take that news.
“What about the orb’s radiation?” I asked, more worried about that in the short term. “How do I keep my sanity along the way?”
“The orb is just a device, nothing more. Its power isn’t unlimited. You have not yet reached the point of no return, Jacob; just keep your distance from it and you will be fine.”
“What happens when I need to use it though?”
“Reuniting the orbs is the only way of eliminating their individual radiations. Find the red orb and you can use them at will.”
“But I’m a descendent of Remus, not Romulus, how can I even use the red orb if I find it at all?”
“After three thousand years of generations, would you really be so surprised to learn that you’re actually descended from both?”
I thought about it and then grinned, everything beginning to come together in a surprisingly neat package. “How incestuous…”
Merlin barked out a laugh. After three thousand years? Hardly.”
I laughed too, unable to help myself. “Of all those people out there, Merlin… all those people who must share similar genetic lineages… and I’m the one this happens to? How unlucky am I?
“Among the unluckiest I have ever met, Jacob,” he said with further chuckles. “As I said, you are neither the hero of this story, nor The One.
You are just an exceptionally unfortunate man now tasked with an arduous duty wrought with untellable danger. I really am sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said, meaning it. “I don’t want to be predestined for anything. Too much… responsibility. Besides, if I actually remember any of this once you let me leave, I’ll at least be able to say that I got to meet you. How many people get to meet Merlin the Magician, King Arthur’s personal wizard?
He nodded in amusement. “Very few.”
I mimicked the expression but then the reality of my situation sank in. “Wait a second. How am I even going to find the red orb? It’s trapped in time and space somewhere! How did Romulus even get home with the blue orb if he couldn’t control it?”
“He never explained,” Merlin stated, “and I only have suspicions.”
“But where should I even start looking for it?”
“What was it your father would tell you when you couldn’t find something?”
I thought for a moment, memories about my dad not always so readily available. “To… look again in the last place I saw it?”
“There you go, Jacob. Perhaps you shouldn’t be so hard on your father either.”
“But where…” I started, but then it came to me. “Rome!”
“Seems like a good place to start to me,” Merlin joked.
“So that’s it then?” I asked, surprised at how easy it all seemed. “Get the red orb, use it and the blue orb together, and then go home? How am I even supposed to use them?”
“Going home is an… option, Jacob.”
I looked at him curiously, forgetting he’d failed to answer my second question. “What do you mean?”
Praetorian Series [3] A Hunter and His Legion Page 45
