by Erica Hobbs
She held me at arm’s length, scrutinizing me. I knew what went through her mind. Had I been eating enough? Had I been resting sufficiently? Had I focused on something other than work? I looked her over, too. Her hair was graying at the roots, and a web of wrinkles fanned out around her eyes when she smiled at me.
“Thanks for this.” She said and took the food from my hands.
Rebecca appeared in the doorway. I turned to look at her and hardly recognized her.
“I just think I shouldn’t leave again,” I said. “Every time I go you grow up so much there’s nothing left of the girl I leave behind.”
She grinned and stepped forward to hug me. She really was becoming a beautiful woman. The girl I’d been looking after my whole life was gone.
“Hey, peanut,” I said and tugged on her ponytail.
She stepped back and rolled her eyes, fixing her hair. “I’m not a kid anymore, Jake. Quit calling me peanut.”
I pulled a face at her. Aunt Maurine tutted and walked back into the house, leaving us alone on the porch.
“How long are you back for?” Rebecca asked.
“A while.”
We left it at that. It was never long enough, and talking about it just made it sad from the get-go. We walked into the house together.
“Rebecca,” Aunt Maurine said the moment we were inside. “You need to pack away the dishes and do the salad for supper.” She said and turned back into the kitchen. Rebecca shrugged at me and disappeared behind her as well.
I looked around the entrance hall leading into the wide passage. The dark wood was warped from years of feet trampling back and forth. The dark blue walls had been painted just a few years ago, and the place smelled of citrus detergent. I turned around and looked back out the front door again.
Rebecca was at the same age now I was when they died. She was only eight. She remembered our parents, but this was the life she knew. I wish I could have given her more. At least, now I was earning as much as I was, I could send her to a proper school once she decided what she wanted to do. I would make sure she never missed anything in her life.
I walked into the kitchen to help. Rebecca was in the corner by the sink, doing her chores, and aunt Maurine was dividing the food up into plates. I laughed.
“You don’t have to dish it up. We can eat it like this.”
She looked up at me. “You’re home. We’re not going to sit on the couch eating from cartons. We’re going to sit down at the table and celebrate.”
I looked at Rebecca again, and she shrugged at me, packing the dishes from the drying rack into the cupboards. I frowned. “You’re not using the dishwasher?”
“It broke Rebecca said.”
“And we’ve been fine without it,” Maurine added.
I shook my head. “Don’t be silly. You should have told me. I would have gotten it fixed. Or replaced. I have the money for that now.” She glanced up at me, her face unreadable. “It’s my turn to look after you now.”
She waved her hand and turned away from me, sniffing as if she was about to break into tears. She had done so much for us. I wanted her to be able to settle. She had sacrificed nine years of her life for us. She would give at least two more while Rebecca was still at home. She deserved a break.
We sat down around the table and ate the takeaway food from proper plates. It was just like old times when we were all together. God, it really was good to be back. I glanced at Rebecca who looked over at me every now and then. She was equally happy I was home.
When we were done, Aunt Maurine got up and started clearing the plates.
“I’ll do it,” I said, taking over. “You can go watch your program.”
She smiled, walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek. “Such a good boy,” she said and patted my shoulder before walking away.
“I’m going outside,” Rebecca said. I nodded and took care of the plates. I washed them and placed them on the drying rack before I headed outside to find Rebecca.
She wasn’t on the porch, so I walked out to the garden to find her. She stood in the far corner, a dark shadow huddled over her against the night. As I went closer, the smell of smoke pierced my nostrils and my steps faltered. For a moment, my heart ached; this smell reminded me of my dad. I closed my eyes and breathed in. When I opened them, I saw the red cherry of the cigarette lift to Rebecca’s face, and her skin glowed red as she inhaled. I walked toward her. She was the spitting image of my dad.
“You’re not supposed to be smoking,” I said. She brought the cigarette behind her back and held her breath, but only do for a bit before she started coughing. I shook my head. “When did this start?”
She exhaled a cloud of smoke. “A couple of months ago.”
I sighed. “You can’t do stuff like this, Beck. You’re too young to screw up your life.”
She pulled a face as she took a drag of the cigarette. “Right, because I have to be great, right?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to lecture her, but I did want her safe.
“Does Aunt Maurine know?”
She shook her head. Her eyes were pleading in the dark, asking me not to tell her. I took a deep breath.
“Maybe it’s better it stays that way. Makes you smoke less if you have to hide it.”
Rebecca rolled her eyes at me and pulled one last puff on the cigarette before she dropped the butt on the ground and stubbed it out with her shoe. She picked it up, wrapped it in a tissue and held onto it to discard it later. I watched her do it all with practiced ease. How many other things had she learned to do since I’d left? How much of her life was I missing?
“How are you doing, kid?” I asked, bumping her shoulder with mine. She shrugged, glancing back at the house.
“I’m doing alright. You know how it goes.”
I nodded. I did know how it went. My life had been all about focusing on what was important so I could change my life, go places I hadn’t been able to go since our parents had died. Rebecca would be doing pretty much the same thing.
“You have good friends? You and Kate still hanging out?”
She nodded. “We smoke together,” she said and grinned. My stomach twisted, but I grinned, too. I was her brother, not her dad. Sure, I paid for a lot of stuff now, and I would make sure her future was settled. I was protective. But I was still just her brother. We stood together in silence for a moment.
“You’ll tell me if something’s wrong, right?” I asked. She nodded, and I hoped it was true. She was a teenager; the world of smoking, boys, and drinking later was all coming at us. I just hoped she made it through in one piece and didn’t do anything stupid.
“I don’t like it when you go,” she suddenly said.
I sighed. “I know. But it’s bringing in a lot of money, and I love what I do.”
She looked at me, and her green eyes looked almost black in the dark. Her hair hung over half of her face, and in this lighting, she looked so much like my dad, I had to blink to remember where we actually were.
“Are you happy, though?”
I frowned. “I just said that.”
She shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You told me you love what you do. It’s not the same thing. You’re always so… serious.”
She stuck her hands in her jeans’ pockets.
“When did you become so clued up on life?” I asked. She smirked at me. There were bits and pieces of her as a child still shining through. It was disguised, though, under makeup and maturity.
“Every time you’re away it happens. You shouldn’t leave all the time.”
I smiled, but it was true. If I could take her with me, I would.
“You know, you’re almost ready to take on the big, wide world.”
She snorted. “It can’t come soon enough.”
I nodded, but I disagreed. It was all happening too fast, too soon. “Do you know what you want to do?”
She shrugged. “I’ll find something. I’ll be ready, don’t worry.”
I nodded. I
knew she would be ready. Rebecca was a smart girl; driven, bright, and she knew how to handle life when things got tough. It was something she did so much better than I did. Maybe it was because she’d learned how to deal with adversity so early on in life. I envied her for that.
“You let me know what you want to do and where and I’ll make it happen. Anything in the world, anywhere.”
Money was all I had to make up for what she didn’t. I couldn’t be a parent, I was barely a good friend or brother, but I could pay. I would let her dream as big as she wanted to.
“I have to get to bed,” she said after we stood in silence for a while. “I have a test in the morning.”
I nodded. She leaned against me for a second before she sauntered inside. I watched her go, and when she disappeared through the door, I looked up at the moon. The night was clear and bright, and the inky sky was dotted with stars. No matter where I went, those were always the same. It was constant, and it was comforting.
My phone beeped in my pocket, and I pulled it out. I’d told my high school friends I was back in town. The phone screen shone unnaturally bright in the darkness, and I squinted my eyes.
We are going out. Lemon is pumping. Join us.
I didn’t feel like crowds and alcohol. I didn’t feel like going out when I had just gotten back and the season wasn’t over yet. We had a game here at home in two weeks, and I needed to be fit and ready. Alcohol would ruin everything for me.
I’d been around people for too long. I needed some alone time.
Just got in. Rain check tonight. Hit me up next time.
I pressed send, and the delivery report pinged a moment later. I tucked the phone back in my pocket and turned back to the stars.
My phone beeped again.
There’s a lot of ass around ;)
I sighed and didn’t even bother to reply. I’d had a lot of flings in my life. Everyone was willing to sleep with the pro football player. And if they were hot, why not? Everyone needed companionship. I was famous for my playful ‘relationships’, the girls who were never serious enough to have their names appear in the tabloids next to mine. A good time was never a waste. I just didn’t feel like any of that tonight.
Maybe I was getting over the whole rootless existence. Maybe it was time to stop messing around. What would my dad have said about who I’d become? I didn’t know. I could still hear his voice in my mind, but the words he used to say to me were more and more distant from my grown-up life. I rubbed my sternum with the tips of my fingers as if I could physically erase emotional reactions. If only.
I had everything I could ever want. I had a career moving only forward, I had friends and a team that cared about me, and Rebecca was safe and secure in herself and her future. My parents weren’t around, which would have been the final piece of my happiness puzzle, but considering everything, I was well off.
Why, then, did I feel so empty? What else could I possibly do to feel like I belonged somewhere?
When I was away, I wanted to be here. When I was here, I wanted to be somewhere else. Nothing was good enough, and I didn’t know why.
Maybe I was just being a stubborn asshole. Maybe I needed sleep.
Chapter 4
Alyssa
“Were there any boys at the party on Thursday?” Mom asked me on Saturday morning. On Saturdays, we had yoga together. Mom did her routine at home instead of the gym, and I joined her.
We were both standing with our asses up in a downward dog position. Hers was a lot more graceful than mine I have to admit. Her years and years of yoga had paid off with a slim, trim body. I was all curves.
“We went to Lemon. There are always boys there.”
Mom straightened her body out into a plank position. I did the same and clenched my stomach muscles. My core was in good condition because of my running sessions, but planking was still quite tough.
“Did you meet anyone you liked?” God, she seemed so comfortable talking and being at a plank position at the same time, and she was fifty already. Although, she looked more like thirty-five.
I pushed myself back up into a downward dog to give my muscles a break. Mom was still going in plank and hadn’t broken a sweat.
“I met some boys but none I really liked. I don’t generally meet guys at clubs, not in a way that counts anyway.” I tried the plank again, and mom went back in a downward dog. It was hard to keep up the flow when I had to rest. She stood up, rolling her body up, and stepped forward with her left leg. She kept it bent, while she pushed her right leg back and reached her hands up to the sky.
“What’s this?” I asked, trying to do the same without much success. My balance was off, and I had to keep stepping to the side all the time.
“High lunge.”
Right.
“You know, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to meet someone again.”
I eyed her. She had shifted again, and her body now twisted to the side with her arms out. Again I tried to follow her lead.
“Aren’t we supposed to meditate while we do this?” I asked. I didn’t want to talk about relationships now, and I certainly didn’t want to think about James, which was where this headed sooner or later – I knew it.
“It’s just the exercise today, no meditation.”
She was weird. She seemed like she wanted to get something off her chest. She brought her feet together and lifted one, hooking it in front of her hip. Well, I wasn’t that flexible, so I had to go with an easier version.
“I just don’t think it’s good for me to get into a relationship thing right now. I want to focus on getting a good job, and building a career.”
My mom nodded and pressed her hands together against her sternum, balancing on one leg. I did the same, wobbling a little.
“That’s a good approach to life for now,” she said. Finally! Maybe she would drop it now. Or not. “I just don’t want you to do that for the wrong reasons.”
I looked at her and suddenly lost my balance completely. I put both feet back on the floor. Geez, I was getting tired of all this stretching. Stretching and probing. What a session. My mom and I were close – I could talk to her about almost anything. Drinking? Sure. Boys? Let her have it. When there was something I needed to discuss, I could always turn to my mom. Except for one thing. And that was James. I couldn’t talk to her about him. I just couldn’t do it. It had nothing to do with her; it was all about me.
They all knew. They knew what had happened, and it was humiliating. If I could go back in time and change the fact I had told them, I would. They pitied me, and I hated pity.
“Still, I don’t think focusing on my career instead of a relationship can ever be a wrong thing at my age,” I said. I was only twenty-two, for God’s sake.
“No, no, I agree with that.” Mom kept changing positions, so I decided to sit down on my yoga mat and watch her, drinking some water instead of twisting myself up like a pretzel. “What I’m trying to say is I don’t want you to push everyone away because of what happened.”
And…Here we go.
“Mom, I’m still young and definitely in no danger of being an old maid. At least, not yet. I have quite a few years for that.”
She chuckled and shook her head. “I know sweetie. I’m not saying you should start dating like crazy. You still have so much time ahead of you. I just don’t want this “thing” to affect so much that you’ll end up not dating again. Ever.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Mom, you really don’t have to worry. I’m sure that when the right guy comes along, I will be completely fine.”
“Not if you don’t trust him, sweetie.”
I closed my eyes and turned my face away, groaning inwardly. I guess it was true. If I couldn’t trust a guy, I would never date him. But how did I know who I could trust?
James had been funny and interesting. He’d practiced medicine. Bringing a doctor home to introduce to your parents was the ultimate success. He was smart and charming, and my parents had loved him.
When he had told me I was beautiful, I had believed him. No one had said that with so much conviction before. And when he’d asked me if I wanted to be with him I hadn’t hesitated at all. Why would I have passed up the best thing that had ever happened to me?
“I don’t think it’s something you need to worry about,” I said again. I wanted her to change the topic and leave it alone. I didn’t need a man in my life right now. I was happy being single. I had a career I wanted to build, a future to focus on, and friends and family to make things fun for me along the way. I had everything I needed.
It was only at times like these when I wasn’t sure of myself, when people mentioned him. The rest of the time I was perfectly fine, and why shouldn’t I be? Everyone went through bad relationships. I’d learned from mine. I couldn’t ask for more.
