by Erica Hobbs
“I told you I don’t usually do this,” I started. I put a strawberry in my own mouth and bit down on it, talking around the burst of flavor. “This is all new to me. I’m sure you’ve noticed that.”
She nodded and swallowed. She picked up a knife and fork and cut into the stack of pancakes.
“I don’t know you very well. You don’t know much about me, either. Not the stuff that isn’t on the net, anyway. My life… well, it’s a tough one to swallow.”
She frowned. The words were coming out all wrong. I didn’t know how to say what I felt.
“Living with constant gossip and tabloids and everyone speculating about who you are isn’t the kind of life you want.”
“What are you saying?” she asked. God, it was coming out worse and worse.
“I’m saying… everything wrong.” I chuckled nervously. “I mean, I like you.”
Her frown stuck. “But?”
I shook my head. “There are no buts. I like you. A lot. I’m… starting to fall for you, I guess. It’s not something I’m familiar with – I don’t usually get too close to people. But with you…” I took a deep breath. Alyssa narrowed her eyes at me, her eyes searching my face like she could somehow find answers in my expression instead of my words.
“I like you, too,” she said carefully.
I nodded. Hearing that was such a relief, even though I hadn’t been completely unaware of it. God, I was a charmer. I was smooth with women. I knew how to pick up girls even when the other guys couldn’t. I had a reputation that spoke of it. And here I was, facing a woman and I had no idea how to talk to her.
I was such an idiot. A fool in love, right?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I would like for you to take this more seriously.”
“What?”
Why was this so hard? “I mean, would you consider taking this more seriously?”
Yeah, that sounded better. A question, not a demand. She didn’t respond well to demands, I’d realized that in the beginning. And I wanted her to respond well to this.
Alyssa looked at me for long enough that I started to sweat. What if she told me this wasn’t serious at all, that she was only here for the fun of it, for the money, for the sex? What if she wanted exactly what I had given every other woman, and nothing more?
“Jake,” she started. “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”
I didn’t know how she’d managed, but she’d come to the right conclusion despite my royal mess up. I cleared my throat. ‘Girlfriend’ was such a strong term. But that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted her all to myself. I wanted her to be the person I could turn to, no matter what. And I wanted to be that person for her as well. Someone who made her feel as special as she was and didn’t break her down the way others seemed to have done.
“That’s what I’m asking, yeah,” I said. It was so much harder to put it in words. Smooth talking, Jake tripped over his tongue. Nice.
She looked surprised. Surprised or shocked. I wasn’t sure which. I wasn’t sure it was a good thing, either. For a moment I wanted to take it all back. Not saying it at all had to be so much better than the rejection I might face now. I wasn’t used to rejection. I never let them in far enough for that.
I didn’t want to learn what it was all about now.
Alyssa’s face broke into a smile, and it was like a sunrise. It cast light on all her features and the uncertainty and panic I felt melted away like it had never been there. She leaned forward, throwing her arms around my neck. The tray slipped off her lap, and I grabbed it to stop the pancakes from falling on the bed. I ended up with my hand in syrup. The sheets slipped, and Alyssa’s naked breasts pushed against my naked chest – skin on skin – as she pulled me tightly against her and kissed me. It wasn’t sexual. Or rather, it wasn’t only sexual. There was something emotional about it. There was nothing between us – no restrictions, no masks, not judgment. It was just me and her and the fact that she was my girlfriend now. Or at least, I thought she was.
“Yes?” I asked to be sure.
She kissed me, smiling.
“Yes,” she mumbled against my lips.
And for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt like coming home.
Chapter 24
Damien
Some days are worse than others. People say you just got up on the wrong side of the bed. Well, looks like I got up on the wrong side of my life.
It was days like this when I made the worst mistakes in my game. I was in a bad mood. I got irritated for no reason. The world was filled with idiots who didn’t know where they were headed or when a good thing stood right in front of them and sometimes I was caught in the crossfire.
By the time I reached the training center, I had already exploded three times at drivers on the road. Road rage was a real problem. I’d ignored calls from both of my parents who probably wanted to catch up or some shit like that. Amanda had also been trying to reach me like we were best friends now or something.
Honestly, I could see why Jake never went for her. She was like a homing pigeon. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get rid of her. It was worse now that I’d agreed we would work together. I had the sickening reminder all the time that it had been my idea, too. She was too desperate to think of something like that herself.
Women who were so emotionally involved – and her emotional capabilities were toxic – couldn’t distance themselves from the situation to be cunning. They were clingy and a pain in the ass.
I was starting to see Jake in a different light. He was actually a nice guy. That, of course, was just as damn irritating as everything else about him. He had to go ahead and be a good guy, too, right? It wasn’t enough that he was living the dream. He couldn’t be a standard asshole or an arrogant prick or something.
Oh, no. That shit was reserved for losers like me. The revelation had come to a sucker punch in the gut, and sometimes it still left me breathless and reeling.
Jake was in the middle of the training center when I arrived. He stood with his back to me, and he wasn’t moving. I imagined him to have his eyes closed. His muscles were relaxed, arms hanging loosely by his sides. He looked peaceful.
I picked up a ball and threw it at him. I wanted to ruin the moment for him. If I felt this pissed, he couldn’t be a ball of enlightenment. The ball hit him square in the back, and he took one step forward to save his balance. His hands clenched into fists, the muscles under his t-shirt bunching on his back. Better. He was angry.
“Yo,” I said, and Jake turned around. He took a deep breath and smiled at me. I studied his face, walking up to him, unsure. Was it fake? Was he waiting for me to get close enough to hook me? It was what I would have done.
“You made it,” Jake said. I stopped right in front of him, close enough for him to slug me in the face if he wanted to. Almost close enough to be a challenge. Jake took a step back. The hit never came. A part of me was disappointed. A good fight always took care of this shit feeling that swirled inside of me.
“You ready to get started?” Jake asked. I nodded slowly. Jake picked up the ball and walked to the far end of the center, turning to me. He aimed at me and threw the ball. I caught it and threw it right back at him, and our warm up started.
He was on top of his game. He knew what he was doing, and he gave me pointers every time I messed up. Which was all the time. I couldn’t catch the ball right – whenever it came from any other direction than dead ahead, I fumbled it. Sometimes I managed to save it. Sometimes I dropped it.
And every time it happened I got angrier. This was bullshit. This was ridiculous. Why the hell was this happening to me? How had I ended up as a pro football player when I was obviously not even able to catch a ball?
“Just breathe,” Jake said when I fumbled the ball again. I managed to get a hold of it and threw it down onto the ground so hard it popped up and to the side, bouncing awkwardly away from me. “You’re just going to burn yourself out if you keep going like this.”
>
“Yeah?” I challenged him, walking toward him. “And what the fuck would you know about this? You never make mistakes. You’re the golden boy of the sport.” I took a deep breath, and some of the rage bled out of me only to make way for disappointment. It was a hell of a lot better.
“You’re doing fine,” Jake said. “You just need to learn to control your anger. That’s what trips you up every time, you know. You get anxious, then you miss and get upset, and when the anger sets in, it all goes downhill.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. He was spot-on, and I hated it. I didn’t want him to be right about me. It just made me feel that much more pathetic.
“I didn’t know you were so busy studying me,” I sneered. “Don’t you have enough on your plate already?”
Jake sighed. My comments were starting to get to him. It turned out he was just a mortal after all. “You’re only fooling yourself, Damien,” he said. I wanted to make another snide comment, but I couldn’t find one quick enough, so I snorted and planted my hands on my hips.
“I know where you’re at. You wouldn’t have the same reasons I had, but I know what it’s like to be that angry. To think that life is out to get you.”
I glared at him.
“Now you’re a therapist, too?” I asked. It was getting harder to be a dick.
Jake shook his head. “Just a friend.” He sat down on the ground and stretched out his legs. I stood around for a moment, felt I looked like an idiot, and sat down, too. It was good to give my muscles a rest. I’d been pushing hard. I was so tense sometimes it hurt my muscles more than any training.
“So, why were you so angry?” I asked. I didn’t want to look like I cared, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know how he’d become the person he was now if he’d been like me.
Jake shrugged. “When my parents died, I was furious. I felt like someone, something, was punishing me. I felt like it was the price I had to pay to get what I wanted in life, that I couldn’t have everything at the same time.”
I waited for him to carry on. When he didn’t, I lay on my back and stared up at the roof of the training center.
“What changed it?” I asked eventually, unable to hold myself.
“I was just a kid then. It was stupid. I accepted it was the way life was. Sometimes shit happens. It’s not your circumstances that shape you. It’s who you choose to be as a result. You can either let it destroy you, or you can be better.”
I chuckled. “You sound like a fortune cookie.”
Jake chuckled, too, and whatever was between us – tension, irritation, hatred – drained away. It was just the two of us in the training center with no bad feelings towards each other, and it felt good. I wouldn’t have called him a friend by a long shot, but he didn’t feel like an enemy.
“I guess we should get back to training,” I said. I didn’t feel like giving it another go. I didn’t feel like messing up again, but Jake wasn’t here because his game needed any help.
“Nah,” he said. “I think we’ve done enough for today.”
We’d hardly done anything at all. I wasn’t going to argue, though. Instead, I changed the topic.
“So… I noticed you’re in the news again.” I turned my head and glanced at Jake who leaned back in his arms. He rolled his eyes.
“Well, if I had a quarter every time that happened…” He didn’t have to finish. He was already rich because of his fame. It was an ironic thing to say.
“She’s hot,” I said. “You always pull the good ones.”
Jake shrugged. “It’s not like that.”
“Oh. She’s just a friend?”
“No, she’s more than that. She’s more than any of the other girls ever were. When I’m around her, I feel… you know?”
I shook my head. I didn’t know what the hell he was trying to say. But I got what he was on about. Jake liked this chick.
It was going to snow, and the end of the world had finally come.
“I didn’t think you were the type to settle down.”
Jake chuckled. “Yeah, I didn’t think so either. She’s just different than anyone I’ve ever met. She’s so guarded it’s almost painful, but she’s beautiful in a way I’ve never seen. There’s just more to her. Her beauty isn’t just skin-deep, you know what I’m saying?”
God, were we doing a heart-to-heart? Apparently, he felt the need to talk about it. And it was okay, I guess I could listen. People didn’t generally confide in me. They also didn’t exactly give me one-on-one private lessons. Full of surprise, this Jake.
The conversation turned back to sports, territory I was much more comfortable on, and we spent another half hour talking shit before Jake sat up and looked at the clock on the far wall.
“I better get out of here,” he said and got up. “Catch you at training.”
He walked off to the locker room like nothing had happened like there hadn’t been a crack in the cosmos like a silver line hadn’t been spun between us, brittle as glass.
I got up and walked to fetch the ball. I threw it up and caught it again, threw it up and caught it again. There was nothing wrong with my fingers, nothing wrong with my hands. Maybe Jake had been right.
Over my dead body would I admit that, of course.
I heard the outside door bang when he left for good. I waited another minute before I walked to my bag and fished out my phone. I dialed Amanda’s number. She’d already tried to call me four times after all.
“You’re hard to get a hold of.” Her voice was accusing.
“I have a life.”
“Really?”
The remark bit into my skin. I ignored it.
“I just spent time with Jake again. He’s serious about this girl.”
“That’s not what I wanted to hear,” Amanda said, and I could almost hear her pouting.
“You can look at the glass half empty, or half full.”
There was a beat of silence on the line. I wasn’t sure if she followed.
“So?” She didn’t sound like she did. I was going to assume she was dumber than she looked.
“So, he’s vulnerable. But I can’t get to him alone, so if you want to do something about it, now might be a good time to jump in.”
I could almost hear her gears clicking as she thought it through.
“I’ll see what I can do,” she said and hung up.
“Bitch,” I said to the phone and put it in my pocket. I didn’t really care what she ended up with when it was all over. I just wanted my share of fame. It was a pity it would come at Jake’s expense.
I shook off the thought. Getting soft now was exactly why people like me never ended up in the big leagues when it came to fame fortune and popularity. Being nice never got anyone anywhere. I didn’t care who Jake was now, he had to have been an asshole to someone to get where he was.
And I could think of a couple of girls who might agree to that. If it all worked out the way it should, I could add his latest and greatest to the list.
I shoved the guilt that pinched my gut away. Sentiment was for pussies.
Chapter 25
Alyssa
I came home twenty-four hours after I had left, but it felt like a lifetime. Everything had changed since I’d last been home.
For one, I was Jake’s girlfriend now. Jake Nash. Powerhouse Jake. The asshole who had been so condescending when I’d first met him. I smiled to myself and closed the door behind me.
What were the odds? I hadn’t planned on meeting someone. I hadn’t planned on dating again – especially not some arrogant idiot who decided I wasn’t worth his time. But everything was different now. Jake was a great guy. And me… well, it turned out I was worth something. A whole lot, in fact.
And it wasn’t just because Jake thought so that I felt it again. I hadn’t known Jake for long, but something about being with him, about being allowed to be myself, had shown me that the person I was deep down inside wasn’t so bad. I wasn’t the person I’d thought I was – someone James could just
throw away, second best. I wasn’t the person James had thought I was, either – a side dish, akin to window shopping, a thrill to spice up his life. I was someone who was worth all the attention of a man.
And Jake was giving it to me.
I wasn’t scared, either. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was telling me I had to be. This could still go wrong. Jake could still be someone else other than the one he’s been showing me. I could still be in the wrong place at the wrong time, the way I had been before.
