by Pamela Ann
“No,” he gritted out, his jaws locking.
“Fine. Then we’ll get a divorce.”
His hands cupped the sides of my arms, almost shaking me to come to my senses as he pushed me backwards. “I. Said. No.”
I was a fool, a fool in love. And I had let that steer me towards something that could very well eviscerate me completely, threatening to dissolve my own sanity. My identity.
“Fine. I’ll just go ahead and leave then.” I tried to use all my might to push him off, but he remained unmoved, as if all of my effort hadn’t even made a dent. “Let me go.”
He wouldn’t budge. “Well, tough, you’re not going anywhere! You’re staying here, in my home, with me.”
God, how I wanted to hurt him, make him feel just a bit of what I was going through, although even if I did, it wouldn’t change a thing. It would only serve in hurting me even more.
“I can’t be here, Reiss. I think we both know that.” Shaking my head, I felt worn and exhausted. “We’ve barely been married for a day, and we’re at each other’s throats. It makes my marriage to Ashton look like a walk in the park.”
“How dare you mention his name at a time like this! That man did nothing but steal you away because he felt threatened by me. He has done nothing except harm, and here you are, praising the man I wanted to kill with my bare hands.”
We were back in the past again. He spoke as if it had only happened yesterday. Had his anger warped his mind to hold onto such a grudge that wasn’t relevant any longer? Did his vindictiveness stretch that far?
I could feel the sharp burn behind my eyes, threatening tears as I took the risk in glancing at him. His expression, though still angry, caught me off guard when I found him staring at my lips. Then, when he dipped his head to kiss me, I moved my head to the side, not wanting to continue the hell that would come after he had his way with me.
“Please, don’t—don’t insult me like this.”
His lips kissed my cheek, trailing across to my ear while the tip of his nose inhaled my scent. “I hate you … but I hate myself more for wanting you. When you’re not around, things are back to normal. But, whenever you are, I just have this consuming need to kiss you and fuck you until sunrise.”
I couldn’t take hearing him say it out loud, especially not when I was feeling at my lowest. I was far too vulnerable to fake my way out of this rut.
“Then let me go. It will make things easier for us.”
“That’s the thing—I can’t do that, either. I like the fact that I can see you whenever I want to. I like knowing that you’re sound asleep under my roof or if you’re eating well. I like having you here.”
“Stop—” I nervously heaved when his hand cupped my breast while his mouth busied itself with my neck, arousing me to submit to him.
“You want this as much as I do. Why deny us the pleasure when it’s clear you and I can’t get enough of each other?”
“If things were just that simple, I’d probably let you have your way. But it isn’t with me, Reiss. I don’t know if you’re acting blind, but I’m sure you already know I’m in love with you, so it’s not that simple for me.”
He was breathing raggedly, and his hand had stilled against my breast as I waited for his response.
Tears prickled again as the seconds flew by, and I wondered what kind of damage I had caused this time.
“I want you, and I have accepted the fact that I always will. But that’s all I can give you, Ava. And even if I tried to love you, my entire existence revolts at the thought of what loving you might cause me this time.”
I sniffed, holding back a sob. “I’m sorry. I know there’s no possibility of it, but I still had to say it.”
“I’m sorry, too, for not being the man for you. Ten years ago, I would’ve moved mountains to have you and your heart. I was so crazy for you I was willing to look like a complete idiot as long as I had you with me, in my arms, loving you each day. But that was years ago, Ava. You can’t keep living in the past. I don’t want to hurt you, but sometimes, I can’t control this bitterness that resurfaces each time I see you. And, yet, my body desires you like you’re its drug. Sex with you is like nothing I have experienced before. I thought how good it was with you was all in my imagination all these years, but after that night in your room, I knew I wasn’t imagining it anymore.” His body pressed against mine as he whispered into my ear, making me all the more confused about my feelings for him.
“Fucking you scares the living hell out of me because it is only you who has the power to unman me. It’s a battle between wanting to experience Heaven and what kind of Hell could come out of it. This is what I experience every time I look at you. So, if I’m acting hostile, you know I’m fighting the need to ravish you on sight.”
Licking my lips, I couldn’t help getting aroused at the thought of him struggling with his attraction to me. “How are you fighting this battle now? Are you winning or losing?” Sex was such a powerful tool that women could use to their advantage. Knowing this made me feel as if I had something to hold against him, though to what extent? How could I gain a foothold without compromising too much?
“Do I look like I’m fighting it anymore?” His voice came out raspy, sounding like he was trying hard to control something. “I came here tonight knowing you were asleep, and I simply wanted to see if you’d settled in okay. However, the moment I walked into the room, I somehow ended up studying you like I used to for twenty minutes until you awoke. I want to lose myself in you, Ava.”
This could get very tricky. I had to do this right. I had to stand my ground, even if it was killing me inside, because there was this huge part of me that wanted to reach him—not just on a physical level, but deep within. Maybe his heart was unavailable, but maybe, just maybe, I could reach deep down and somehow make him want me, need me in a sense that he couldn’t survive without me.
“If I let you, you have to promise me one thing.”
“Go on,” he urged, frowning down at me.
All right. I could very well do this. It was all or nothing. “Whoever you’re doing now, anything pertaining physical contact must cease. This is the only way I’ll let you have me.” I wanted to feel embarrassed to demand such a thing to him, yet if I let him have his way and he still carried on with his activities with other women, then there was no point in any of this. I wanted him—there was no doubt of that—but he had to live by his rules, as well. If he wanted me badly, then he, too, should pay the price.
His eyes penetrated into mine, letting me know he was weighing things as he stared at me, pinning me into stillness before conveying his thoughts. “If I agree to this, you have to promise me that you won’t ever dare deny me your body, whenever, wherever. Even when you’re angry or loathing me on sight, you’ll spread your legs, welcome my cock, and let me have your sweetness for as long as I want.”
He wanted me that much? Bloody Hell.
“Any time of the day?” My body shivered at the images that appeared in my mind—him plunging into me, demanding I give him everything he wanted. Fuck. Why did this arouse me so?
“Anywhere. Anyplace. Anytime,” he stated succinctly. “If I want it in the morning, I’ll have you without protest. If I want your cunt for dinner, you’ll spread these lovely legs apart and let me do all the dirty things I’ve wanted to do to you since you teased me by letting me finger your sweet cunt that night at the lake. I don’t want you to think about another man while I’m fucking you, either. In fact, I forbid you to think about anyone. I want you to focus on me—me and me alone. I’m a selfish bastard, and I don’t bloody give a fuck, because I want what I want. I’ve endured years of dreaming you were mine, writhing and moaning while I took liberties with your body.” He then paused, seeming like he had just delivered the most grueling speech of his life. “Can you handle me this way, Ava?”
My word … I was rendered speechless. Had it been Ashton who had spoken such filth, I might’ve slapped him. However, this was Reiss, and i
n such a twisted way, I found his filthy, cursing mouth … poetic.
“Why ask when you already know the answer to this question?”
His hard cock pressed against my stomach while his nose rested against the side of me head, breathing in the scent of my hair. “I want to hear you say the words.”
“I will handle you this way because I want you,” I passionately vowed with my entirety. “You’re the only man I’ll always want. From the beginning until the end, it’s always going to be you, Reiss.”
“Fuck,” he groaned before I felt his hands cup my face, and then I felt his lips gently, slowly kissing me. It was incredibly slow and sweet, as though he was making love to my lips with caring devotion. “You don’t know how much this kills me to say it, but I feel like I have to show some restraint since you’re my new bride and all. Besides, I don’t want to scare you away.” He smirked, making this sexy face that made my heart palpitate madly.
“Never mind my hard cock, sweet wife, but would you let me indulge you in a late night meal? Since I couldn’t deliver on my promise, I took an off chance and swung by my favorite Chinese restaurant. I hope you don’t mind take away, but if you must know, my cooking might leave you constipated, so I hardly thought it would be the best way to entice you for a good shagging marathon.”
I guffawed at his mild attempt at humor. “God, how I fucking adore you.” I kissed him one more time before my stomach made a loud, growling protest.
“Time to feed you and our baby, I see.”
It was the first time he had addressed the baby as ours instead of my child or simply addressing it as such—the baby. Call me naïve, call me gullible, but I couldn’t help it, I fell in love with him all over again.
Dinner became a feast. Well, with me naked atop the living room coffee table and him feasting on me while he teased me before feeding me. He gave the food to me in small servings. All the while, the wicked devil made sure he tortured my body enough to drive me insane with need.
I hadn’t had this much fun since … well, since him. He and I used to drive each other mad, testing each other’s limit until one of us begged for mercy. Back in the day, it had usually been him surrendering to me, but tonight, it was I who was the greedy one because I couldn’t get enough of him and his laughter. Seeing him smiling made me happy. It was infectious.
“More,” I mumbled before opening my mouth, wanting more of the shrimp he had in between his chopsticks.
“Tell me something, then I’ll feed you.” His mouth lowered to softly suckle on my breast, making me slightly open my legs, wanting, needing more of him.
“Reiss,” I moaned as I slowly rocked the table.
He groaned in frustration, breaking away from my breast before he eyed me with suspicion. “I’m not going to let you win. Tell me something first, then I’ll reward you.”
“Like what?”
He shrugged, grinning from ear to ear. “Anything you like.”
“Hmmm,” I said aloud before something clicked in my head. “Well, I’m not sure if you’re interested to know, but I’m still flexible.” When I saw his eyes darken with desire, I wanted to push him a little bit more.
Slowly getting up from the table, I heard him hiss as I was about to do something that used to drive him mad.
“Don’t—” he warned, getting up from the carpeted floor before I felt his arms circle my hips. He dragged me away, bringing me down with him with my back on the carpet. “Don’t do that,” he murmured.
“Why not?” I teased. “You used to love that…”
“Don’t get me wrong, I still do, but I don’t want to go harsh on you tonight. I want to savor you slowly…” His head went towards my abdomen, marking a kiss on the tiny bump that could barely be noticed unless you really stared at it hard.
“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look, especially pregnant? Your cheeks are always flushed, and your eyes have light behind them. You glow.” He kissed the other side of my hips, trailing kisses around the area. “I love seeing the gradual transformation of your body ripening before me.”
Bringing his head above mine, his eyes softened while he watched me closely. “I don’t think I have said thank you. Thank you for this present. At first, I was panicked, but the more I get used to the idea, the more I see how much I actually want to be a father. It still terrifies the bonkers out of me, yet there’s excitement with it now. So, thank you for giving me one of the greatest gifts a man could ever wish for.”
“Do you mean that?” I choked back, forcing myself not to cry.
“Yes … I do … more than you’ll ever understand.”
A tear slipped away, and his thumb immediately went to catch it. “You didn’t have to tell me this, but you must know how much I appreciate that you did. There are times when I’ve thought you might hate me for it … so hearing you say otherwise just took a hefty load of guilt off my heart.”
Chapter 151
Reiss
“What?” she asked after a while of me gazing at her with what must have been an odd expression on my face.
I quickly shook my head and murmured, “Nothing … nothing at all.” It wasn’t as if I wanted to convey what was going on in my head. She simply looked beautiful tonight, and I couldn’t take my eyes away from her. I couldn’t do it in the past, and it certainly seemed like I couldn’t do it years later. Even more so with her pregnant.
There was something volatile inside of me that made me feel entirely possessive at the thought of her carrying my child. I wanted to hide her away so no man would dare look at her and see what saw. I hadn’t planned for any of this to happen, yet here I was, staring at the very woman who had ruined me, marred me so deeply inside I thought I couldn’t ever recover from the slashing pain.
My cock was in monumental pain, although I was still fighting this consuming need to give in and have her—, all of her, tonight. There was a part of me that knew things would shift. Be it for the worse or for the better, I knew it wouldn’t be something I could undo. My actions from here on out would carry vast consequences, burdened by marriage, and I was having a difficult time letting things go, letting the past take a back seat while I figured out what would be the best course to take from here.
When she had said she loved me, all I wanted to say was, “Bollocks. You haven’t got a clue what love is.” But then, as I looked into her eyes, I didn’t have the heart to argue with her on the subject; thus I stayed mum. Besides, as far as I was concerned, it was best we didn’t discuss anything that had the word love attached to it. I’d rather take my own life than fall in love with her again. She had repeatedly proven to me how unworthy she was of my love, and with that poisonous emotion out of my system, there was no way I’d let it root inside again.
It had been fanciful of me, though, to believe I wouldn’t be tempted to want her. Whenever she was around, my cock would spring to life, and it usually took everything in me to control those urges. Those urges that almost felt too violent to manage. If I could let this hatred go, even for a night with her, it would truly be liberating. However, I was man enough to know I might not be able to handle it. Because, the truth was, I was petrified of Ava and the kind of influence she wielded over me. Like a loaded gun, she had the capability of wounding me, dismantling my very essence, leaving me in scattered pieces.
What man would gamble that kind of tragedy after they’d learned their lesson? Apparently, not I. I was confident enough to think I’d eventually get close to her while remaining devoid of emotional connection. It would take time and practiced patience, but eventually, I’d get there. I always did accomplish my goals once I put my energy into focus.
“What are you frowning about?” She batted her long lashes at me with her tantalizing eyes that were looking more violet than blue as she gazed serenely in my direction.
We were still splayed on the rug in the living room with Ava fully naked while I was still clothed. Thoughts of food had been abandoned ten minutes ago since this wicked woman had
decided to taunt me, and she knew exactly how.
“You. It’s you I’m frowning about.” My answer came fluidly out of my mouth, and I noted how she immediately stiffened.
She nudged forward. “And? Aren’t you going to tell me?”
There were a lot of things that troubled me, and I wasn’t sure which one I should start with, but I somehow ended up saying, “When did you realize that you made the wrong choice in choosing him over me?”
Her lips parted, seeming to have difficulty forming the words to answer my question. Licking her lips, she curled the hair that was tucked neatly behind her ear around her finger. “When you left, I felt the hurt, but it wasn’t until after the news broke that you had died that I truly felt the full impact of losing you.”
How tricky her answer was. “So, when I left you in the library, what did you do next?”
“I … uh … went back to my friends.” She sulked. “You’re going to hold that against me, aren’t you?”
I held her accountable for a lot of things.
“I’m trying to understand what happened before, but there wasn’t much in there to glean that I haven’t known all along.”
“There you go again—always ready to shut me out. I get it. I was a terrible, rotten to the core, young girl, and I deserved to be crucified, but haven’t I suffered enough?” Her lips wobbled as she spoke, trying to hold her tears at bay. “I fucking love you, and I see through you—it’s obvious you don’t believe me. But give me a chance to prove you wrong. I’ve changed. I’ve given up everything to follow your whims. When you treat me like I’m nothing except a body to play with, even after all the anguish, I still make excuses for you. You punish me, and I’m letting you”—she sobbed softly—“because I’m still hopeful … because, even after all of this, I still believe there’s a part of you that remains mine, no matter how much you claimed to have fallen for someone else. I don’t care—I’m here, still trying to prove you wrong, even if it’s killing me inside.”
