by Cathy Glass
‘Has his mother told Richard this?’ I asked.
‘Yes. She has now. She told Terri that she realized it was a conversation she should have had with Richard a long time ago, but it had never occurred to her that Richard believed Danny had inherited a condition and was the same as Robert. She and her husband had thought the reason Richard had stopped taking Danny to see them and never invited them to their house was because Reva didn’t like them. She had no idea it was because he was trying to protect them from Danny. She also told Richard that they never regretted their decision to look after Robert and care for him at home, even though it had been very hard work.’
‘They sound like a lovely couple,’ I said.
‘Yes,’ Jill agreed. ‘She was adamant that Danny shouldn’t stay in care and should live with them. Terri said she’d have to talk to her manager, and then explained that they would need to be assessed as kinship carers, even though they were Danny’s grandparents. They weren’t very happy about this, but agreed to do whatever it took to have Danny live with them. However, the next day Richard telephoned Terri and said that, having spoken to his parents and after a long discussion with Reva, they’d decided they wanted Danny home to live with them. But of course you and I know it’s not that simple. Although Reva has stopped drinking, Terri had other concerns and she called a meeting for Reva, Richard and his parents.
‘This is the outcome,’ Jill continued, ‘it’s possible that Danny may be able to go home, but not straight away, and only after certain conditions are met. Firstly, Richard and Reva have to agree to Danny being assessed by the educational psychologist and accept the help that is recommended. Danny is to have regular contact with his grandparents, and Terri has also told Richard she would like Danny to see his step-brother and step-sister sometimes, although she can’t force that. Reva has to attend a parenting course for children with special needs. Terri would like Richard to attend too, but she accepts that he has to work, so it may just be Reva. Also – and this is where you come in – Terri would like both Richard and Reva to spend time shadowing you at your house. Again, because of Richard’s work commitments, it’s likely to be mainly Reva, but Terri has said that Richard must come to you at least once, preferably twice. She’s been so impressed by the way you handle Danny, she thinks Reva and Richard would learn a lot by watching you. So be flattered, my dear.’
‘I am,’ I said, astounded by all Jill had told me. ‘What an incredible turn of events.’
‘Yes. Terri will be asking you, Richard and Reva for feedback as we go along, and once Danny is home – assuming he goes home – she will be visiting and monitoring him there.’
‘I see,’ I said. ‘So when will all this start?’
‘Friday. Danny will have contact as usual tomorrow, and then either Reva or Richard will come to your house on Friday, early evening, for at least two hours. Contact will take place as usual on Saturday, and Terri has made it clear to Richard that he needs to be there – she wants to see commitment from him. Then, so that Danny’s rehabilitation home isn’t too protracted, Terri wants either Richard or Reva or both to spend at least two hours with you on Sunday. She’s leaving the exact times for you to arrange between yourselves. The following week one of them will come to you on the evenings Danny doesn’t have contact, and again on the Sunday.’
‘So he’ll be seeing them every day?’
‘Yes. That’s the idea. Then, if Terri is satisfied, the plan is to move Danny home on the following Monday – in twelve days’ time.’
Chapter Twenty-Five
Stay Calm
I’m not sure who was the more nervous when Reva arrived on Friday for her first visit to ‘shadow’ me – her or me. We’d agreed she would come at five o’clock, which would give Danny a chance to settle after school, and would also include dinner – an important thing for Reva to see, as prior to coming into care Danny had eaten his meals alone. I’d already decided that I wouldn’t be lecturing Reva or overtly instructing her – I didn’t think that was required – but I’d try to show her through example, then let her parent Danny, and I’d be on hand to help if necessary.
I’d explained to Danny that his mummy would be coming to see us and would stay for dinner and then go home, because she wanted to spend more time with him. I couldn’t tell him the real reason – that it was in preparation for him hopefully returning home – because it wasn’t definite he would be going home. I thought it would be less disruptive to Danny if I kept everything as normal as possible while Reva was with us, so, following his usual routine, he was in the garden with George when she arrived. Paula was out there too. I offered Reva a drink and she had a glass of cold water, which she took into the garden. She said hello to Paula and Danny.
‘Mummy!’ Danny exclaimed slightly surprised.
‘Hi, were you expecting me?’
Danny gave a small nod and returned his attention to George. He hadn’t come over to hug his mother and she didn’t go to him. As one of Reva’s concerns had been Danny’s lack of affection towards her, I thought it would be a good idea if she began initiating it, as I had started doing, instead of relying on Danny – though of course keeping within the boundaries of what he felt comfortable with.
‘I would just give him a kiss on his head if he doesn’t want a hug,’ I suggested to her.
She went over and lightly kissed the top of his head. Danny responded by kissing George’s head. Well, it was a start!
Paula stayed for a while and then went indoors and I continued chatting to Reva about things in general, trying to put her at ease as Danny played with and petted George. Presently I went indoors to put the finishing touches to dinner while Reva stayed in the garden with Danny. I could see them through the kitchen window as I worked, and very slowly they lost their awkwardness, Reva was talking more to Danny and he was nodding, although I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Adrian and Lucy came down from their rooms to see when dinner would be ready and then went into the garden. Once dinner was ready I called everyone. Danny knew to put George in his hutch first, and when he came in he automatically took the stool to the sink to wash his hands ready for dinner.
‘Good boy,’ I said, hoping Reva would realize how important it was to praise Danny.
The start of the meal was quiet and uncomfortable, but then Reva broke the ice by asking my children what they planned to do when they left school, and conversation began. As the meal progressed I had the feeling that Reva had been used to socializing in her work, meeting and greeting clients, attending business lunches and similar, for she knew how to keep a conversation flowing and put others at ease. I thought, not for the first time, that she must once have been a very confident and accomplished lady, but had been brought down by Danny’s high level of needs and challenging behaviour. I noticed as we ate that she kept glancing at Danny, who, as usual, was cutting up his food and arranging it around the edge of his plate.
‘Come on, eat up,’ she said to him. Then to me, ‘He’s still playing with his food then? I wondered if you’d managed to stop that.’
Feeling his mother’s criticism, Danny immediately grew anxious and ate even more slowly.
‘I haven’t tried to stop it,’ I said to Reva. ‘I think that at Danny’s age if it helps him to eat then it isn’t a real worry. If he doesn’t grow out of it, it’s something that can be addressed when he’s older.’ Reva had paused in eating and was looking at me intently, so I felt I should explain further. ‘I’ve found through fostering that it’s usually impossible to correct or modify all aspects of a child’s behaviour at once, so I concentrate on what I think is most important. Danny has far fewer tantrums now, is talking more and hasn’t had a meltdown here or at school in weeks. He’s also enjoying activities that would previously have petrified him. So I think he’s doing well.’
Reva gave a small nod and returned to her food.
We all stayed at the table until Danny had finished and I praised him for having a clean plate.
‘
Well done,’ Reva added. I could see from Danny’s expression that his mother’s praise was worth far more than mine, which was how it should be.
As soon as he’d finished eating he was down from the table and wanting to feed George as he normally did. I suggested to Reva that she might like to go with him while I cleared the table.
‘I feel I should help you with the dishes,’ she said politely.
‘Don’t worry. It’s fine,’ I said. ‘Adrian, Lucy and Paula will help me. It’s more important you spend the time with Danny.’
She went with Danny as he collected George’s food bowl from the hutch and then returned indoors to the cupboard under the stairs. ‘One, two, three scoops,’ I heard Danny telling his mother.
‘Good boy,’ I called from the kitchen.
‘Yes, good boy,’ Reva repeated.
I wished she’d praise him more; I’d have to mention it.
I left them alone to feed and settle George for the night and then, when they returned and Danny had gone into the living room and couldn’t hear us, I explained to Reva why I took every opportunity to praise Danny, even in the actions he was used to getting right. ‘Children can never have enough praise,’ I said. ‘It builds their confidence and self-esteem. It also makes them more open to suggestions for correcting their negative behaviour, which is helpful in a child like Danny.’
‘That makes sense,’ Reva said amicably.
We went into the living room and, following his usual routine, Danny fetched his school bag from the hall but now presented it to his mother. I could see she was pleased. Danny hadn’t really said much to his mother or paid her much attention, but I knew he was coping with this very new situation in his own way. It must have been strange for him to suddenly have his mother here without a plausible explanation. I left Reva with Danny, listening to him read, while I went to clear up in the kitchen. The doors were open so I could hear Danny, first reading and then practising the words and numbers from his learning targets, but I couldn’t hear any responses from Reva. Presently I went into the living room. ‘He’s doing well, isn’t he?’ I said enthusiastically to Reva.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I hear him read at contact sometimes.’
‘That’s good,’ I said. But had she told him how well he was doing? Not from what I’d heard. Danny needed so much encouragement. I didn’t want to labour the point further that evening, so I said, ‘Lovely reading, Danny,’ and hoped Reva would pick up the message.
When Danny had finished his homework he put his school bag in its usual place in the hall, and as he did Reva took the opportunity to speak to me. I could see from her expression she was worried. ‘He’s still so far behind in his learning,’ she said. ‘It worries me. Do you think he will ever catch up?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said realistically. ‘But the educational psychologist’s assessment will give you a better indication. She’ll also make recommendations of the type of help Danny needs. I think what’s more important is that Danny reaches his full potential, which, with help, I’m sure he will do.’
‘You’re always so positive,’ Reva said with a small smile. ‘I saw that the first time I met you – at that meeting at school. Richard and I are more positive now, but I still worry what the future will hold for Danny.’
‘That’s only natural,’ I said. ‘The future is a scary place, so let’s concentrate on the present.’ And if it sounded like a lecture then so be it. I was entitled to give one.
I now told Reva that I’d introduced a bedtime story into Danny’s routine as it was a nice way of relaxing at the end of the day, before having his bath and then going to bed.
‘Do you find there’s time?’ she asked. ‘Everything takes him so long.’
‘I know,’ I smiled. ‘That’s why we start the bedtime routine early.’
She nodded. ‘I’ll have to rethink our routine around dinner and Richard coming home.’
I told Danny that his mother would read him a story tonight, and he chose a book and then settled beside her on the sofa. I sat in the room with them. Reva read to him for fifteen minutes until it was seven o’clock and then told him it was time for her to go. She’d been with us for two hours, as Terri had suggested, and it was long enough. I could see Danny was getting tired, and if he got overtired his behaviour would deteriorate. We hadn’t really done an awful lot, but everyone was more relaxed now, and another evening we’d include Danny’s bath and bedtime routine. Reva stood as Danny returned the books neatly to the bookshelf and then she said goodnight to him, kissing him on the head. To our surprise he threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly.
‘That’s lovely,’ she said, clearly moved and holding him to her.
They hugged for a while longer, but when she tried to move away he tightened his grip. ‘Mummy stay,’ he said. ‘Mummy stay.’
While it was nice for Reva to have this spontaneous display of affection from a child who normally had so much trouble expressing it, I could see it was going to be very difficult for Danny to say goodbye. He buried his head further into her skirt and clung tighter.
‘Mummy has to go now,’ she said, still holding him and giving him mixed messages. ‘But I’ll see you tomorrow, and Daddy will be home too.’
Danny didn’t move.
‘Danny, give Mummy one last hug and then say goodbye,’ I said.
He clung to her and Reva began easing him away, but as she did he screamed, ‘No!’
She looked to me for help.
‘Danny,’ I said, going over and touching his arm to gain his attention. ‘It’s time for Mummy to go. Do you want to say goodbye to her in here or come with us to the front door?’
There was silence before he said, ‘Front door.’ Slowly he relinquished his grip on her skirt.
‘Good boy,’ I said. ‘Excellent choice. Well done.’
‘Yes, well done,’ Reva said.
And I made a mental note to tell her about the closed-choice technique on her next visit.
Reva’s first visit had gone pretty smoothly and Danny had been on his best behaviour – partly, I thought, because the situation was new and he was unsure and treading carefully. Her second visit – on Sunday – proved more challenging. As we’d arranged she arrived at two o’clock. She was expecting Richard to join her, and so was Danny, for Richard had told Danny the day before at contact that he’d see him on Sunday at my house. As Reva came in she explained to him that Daddy had had to go and see his parents as his father had been taken ill in the night, but he hoped to join us later. Danny clearly didn’t understand why his father hadn’t arrived with his mother (as he’d promised to) and preferred instead to visit a man Danny had no knowledge of, having not seen his grandparents since the age of two. He grew increasingly agitated.
‘Daddy coming? Daddy coming?’ he demanded of his mother.
‘I hope so,’ she kept telling him. ‘We’ll have to wait and see.’
Eventually I settled him with a brightly coloured puzzle in the living room. We were indoors, as the weather wasn’t good. As Danny played I took the opportunity to quietly explain to Reva why Danny had reacted as he had and why it was so important to give him clear, concise information in short chunks that he could manage. Danny wouldn’t be able to conceptualize terms like ‘I hope so’ and ‘We’ll have to wait and see’. I also explained the closed-choice technique and some other parenting strategies I’d found useful: using the child’s name at the beginning of a sentence to get their attention; referring to oneself in the first person – ‘I’ – rather than the third – for example, ‘Mummy’. ‘I have to go now’ is so much stronger and more immediate than ‘Mummy has to go now’, and therefore more likely to produce the desired result. It would also help Danny to use it. Reva said she wanted to learn all she could and had applied to go on the parenting course Terri had recommended. She asked me how I dealt with Danny’s tantrums and meltdowns, and I told her, explaining the main difference between the two: a tantrum is an angry episode designed to
get what a child wants, or to avoid doing something they have been asked to do but don’t want to. While a meltdown, often triggered by sensory overload, results in the child losing all control. There are, however – as Reva had seen in Danny – some similarities in the way a tantrum and a meltdown manifest themselves, and also in the way one deals with them.
Ten minutes later Danny provided me with the opportunity to put my words into practice. The landline rang and when I answered it I wasn’t completely surprised to hear Richard, for he was well overdue now. ‘Sorry, Cathy,’ he said. ‘I’m going to have to postpone my visit today. I’ve only just left my parents’ house and I’m at least an hour’s drive from where you are.’
‘You’re still welcome to come,’ I said. ‘I’m not going out and we don’t have to stick exactly to the two hours. It can be a bit longer. How is your father?’
‘A lot better, thanks. He was very bilious in the night and I think it scared mother. He’s stopped being sick now, but I think I’d rather leave my visit to you until next week.’
‘All right, if that’s what you prefer,’ I said.
‘Thanks. Could I have a word with Reva?’
‘Yes, of course.’ I passed the phone to her.
She listened to what Richard had to tell her, and then he must have asked to speak to Danny, for taking the handset from her ear she said to me, ‘Do you think Danny would cope with saying hello to his dad?’ Reva had always said Danny was afraid of the telephone, and I’d assumed it was the noise it made when it rang.
