by Massey, Beth
Bethany and Lewis expressed the desire for siblings to Elizabeth shortly after the ceremony concluded. Sir Walter commented on the beauty of Lizzy’s gown; and she was able to share with him that Lydia had given her the design “just in case” she needed a wedding dress in the near future. Georgiana and Jamie, unbeknownst to each other, had dreams that maybe soon they would wed. Eleanor listened to the vows with thoughts of her soldier returning from this endless war, and taking his place as her husband, and father to Eric.
Darcy knew he had to be patient if she was to heal. Almost every day, he assured her he loved her; and she would never be required to fulfil any marital obligations. On an equally regular schedule, he let her know how much he hoped they would at some point have a complete marriage. His frustration was felt every night when he was alone in his room aware of her presence only a room away. With each day, she seemed to grow more used to him. She readily took his arm when they walked. Embraces were becoming quite common, and he believed they were a source of enjoyment.
Both teased and flirted with the other. Will remembered what she had revealed in her letter about his form. He found many an occasion when he would stand with his back to her so she could observe his broad shoulders, narrow waist and slim hips. His hope was that her admitted flushed feeling would make her want to observe this part of his physique more closely.
Lizzy used her knowledge of those things about her body he admired to win at chess. She inevitably wore the gown with the most revealing neckline when she challenged him to a game. As she slowly deliberated her move, she would bend over so the sight of her bosom was displayed most invitingly. She would then stick her tongue out ever so slightly and lick the corners of her mouth.
He wondered that she did not come barefoot to their contests. If she did, he would have not the slightest chance at being able to defeat her.
Every evening they sat in their shared sitting room and read together. Over the last three weeks since they wed, they had become comfortable sitting together in their nightclothes. Darcy was pleased that she seemed quite interested in his appearance the first time he joined her in his nightshirt and robe. Though she had looked a little startled, his plan was to ignore her apprehension and quickly become engrossed in his book.
Elizabeth had decided to follow his example the following night. She was a little annoyed that she had seemed more curious at his appearance than he displayed toward her. Once he caught her looking at his legs. He had seemed to find her blush and averted gaze humorous. She noticed he quickly hid his amusement but smiled broadly the next time she looked at him.
Will remembered how much she loved to see him smile, and in this current phase of hopeful anticipation, he used his dimples relentlessly. He practiced in the mirror, making sure he did not show his teeth. They were not as perfect as his cousin’s had been, but it was important his smile not remind her of him. Darcy had also become very careful about his scent. Elizabeth had told him more than a year before that Edmund smelled of Port and tobacco, and that had made it difficult to kiss her father because he smelled the same. Darcy had never used tobacco, and he gave up Port completely after she told him of her sensory revulsion. He had been slightly shocked, but ultimately pleased, when she revealed she enjoyed the way he smelled when he came in from riding. The idea of her liking the combination of horse, sweat and leather was somehow titillating and made him very hopeful.
This evening, Elizabeth was reading Mary Wollstonecraft’s Original Stories from Real Life, illustrated by William Blake. He had bought a first edition for her as a Christmas present, and she had bought Thoughts on the Education of Daughters as a companion to Wollstonecraft’s other work. William knew she was thinking of children as she read these books. He was not sure he agreed with the author, but was pleased with the direction of his wife’s thoughts. It was possible she was only concerned about her current children, but he hoped she was thinking about those of the future.
She had told him Bethany wanted a sister, and Lewis wanted one of each. He asked, “Why did they know to ask you for a brother or sister after we were married?”
“They believe that getting married is what causes children. It certainly is better than thinking they are brought by storks. Georgiana told them that babies come when people get married.” She laughed a little as she continued; “I was devastated when Lord Wolfbridge compromised me. I knew I was no longer chaste, and my humiliation was overwhelming; but I did not apprehend I could be with child. I was barely fifteen, and I too thought you had to be married. I was shocked when my aunt confronted me about having a baby.”
Darcy did not know what to make of her ability to talk about Edmund so casually. He assumed it was a good sign, but was not certain. He wanted her turmoil to be over, and then they could agree never to talk about him ever again. He realized that was probably unrealistic, but he so wanted to spend his life with that joyful creature he had met that evening at the theatre.
This night, as she retired, she told him she wanted to leave the connecting door ajar. She had just finished reading Sense and Sensibility by a Lady and there were some things that were troubling. She told him of the young woman named Eliza Williams, who was the ward of a Colonel Brandon, and she was seduced by a rake named Willoughby and abandoned to have her child alone. Elizabeth told him that just when she thought she had successfully weathered the novel’s reminder of her own misfortune, she was confronted by a reference to a young woman who was tragically forced to marry a rake in Original Stories from Real Life. She seemed so childlike when she told him she would feel safer with the door open tonight. He thought of his children insisting on candles being left burning at bedtime because there might be monsters under the bed.
Will continued to read after Elizabeth retired. He was actually only going through the motions, because he was unable to concentrate. Their closeness encouraged his desires, and his struggle to remain patient was what occupied his mind. He sat staring into the fire, contemplating his dilemma, when he heard noise from Elizabeth’s bedchamber. It was very faint; but he thought he could perceive soft cries. He moved quickly through the door. Elizabeth was asleep but thrashing about. She was mumbling and occasionally moaning. He drew closer to hear what she was saying.
Her voice was pleading and desperate, but oddly polite, and with all the deference conferred on someone much above one’s station. “Please do not do this. Please, I am afraid. Please, please, please I want to go home. Please stop, you are hurting me. Please do not do this.” She said the same words over and over and she would pause occasionally and moan or cry quietly. Months ago, in the grove at Rosings, she had told him how ashamed she was that she did not fight. She had felt overwhelmed both in body and soul, and described her desperation to keep anyone else from knowing of her humiliation. However, she had never described her actual words or actions. These nightmare phrases painted a heart-rending portrait of an inexperienced girl caught in a trap. He had to do something. He could not bear to see her suffer.
Darcy got down on his knees next to the bed. He whispered soothingly, but felt it ill advised to touch her. “Lizzy, wake up. Dearest Lizzy, you are having a nightmare. Please wake up.” He increased the volume, but with the same calming tone and repeated his refrain. She stopped mumbling and opened her eyes. She stared at him with a startled look on her face; and then averted her gaze, and buried her face in her pillow. He touched her back and stroked it lightly for several seconds. “Elizabeth may I comfort you. I know the Bennet sister method.”
Lizzy lifted her head from the pillow and gave him a crooked smile. When he smiled back, she moved toward the middle of the bed, turned on her side facing him and said, “Yes.”
He lay facing his wife and put his arms around her. He rubbed her back in a circular motion. He could feel her muscles loosen. Her cheek was against his chest, and her hands were limp at her side. She said, “You smell wonderful, Mr Darcy.”
“Thank you, Mrs Darcy.” Within minutes she had fallen asleep. He breathed in her
scent, nuzzled her hair and felt that they had taken an important step forward. It was not long before he also succumbed to slumber.
59 DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE
Elizabeth awoke several hours later, conscious of something nearby that smelled wonderful. Safe was not a feeling she had experienced while sleeping in a very long time, but for some reason she did. Proximity to Will’s chest had caused the agreeable sensation, and it was enhanced by an arm draped protectively over her.
She lay there remembering what had caused him to be beside her. His offer to comfort her had been welcomed. Within minutes of his strong hands beginning to rub her back, the fear and humiliation that had gripped her had begun to recede, and she had drifted back to sleep. It was pleasant to think of him performing such a service for her in the future.
Those embraces they had been sharing suddenly seemed even more appealing without chemises and cravats. An overwhelming desire to kiss him gripped her. His lips had found hers the day she had arrived at Pemberley, but she had been unable to react. Since that time, he had not tried again. His inaction had meant she had been unable to make up for her insufficient response. While she had waited for the second time, she had not sat idly by. She had routinely practiced arranging her lips in an appropriate pose she thought might have been correct and studied the effect in her mirror. A few days before, she had even taken the radical step of practicing the pressure and using the tip of her tongue to caress an area on her arm, which substituted for his lips.
The in and out of his breath tickled and the warm solidity of him drew her closer. As she pressed her nose against his chest and sniffed him in, an idea gripped her. Why wait for him to initiate the kiss? It would be pleasant to experience touching his skin with her tongue. A little fluttering of some kind of anticipation in her belly urged her on. But then panic raised its ugly head and stayed her lips.
For six and a half years, she had pondered what she had lost that day… her chastity certainly… but that was only the physical manifestation of a more intangible loss. Her options had been limited. Over the years, she had done the best she could; but fear of so many things had always been there. All she had been able to countenance was isolating herself in the residual memories of innocence.
A memory of that night at the theatre forced its way into her consciousness. Rather than dismissing the horrific recollection of meeting Lord Wolfbridge, Miranda’s words enticed her… “Brave new world that has such people in it.” Will was one of the goodly creatures promised… her Ferdinand. Suddenly with amazing clarity, she knew she should leave dread behind and embrace what she had first imagined that night.
Lizzy cautiously moved up Darcy’s body; and when she was even with his lips, she took a big gulp of breath, and then slowly exhaled. She licked her lips… she had determined during her practice that moist was better than dry. She leaned in and started her kiss. After a few seconds of steadily increasing the pressure, her tongue darted out and she licked his lips and attempted to force his mouth open. She had never practiced it exactly like that, but felt rather smug that she had devised such an inspired variation. She smiled when she saw his eyes open and surprise register on his face. She pulled back so as to observe.
After staring at her with a look of concern for a few seconds, he smiled back. “Mrs Darcy have you been practicing?”
“I have.”
“With whom have you been practicing?”
“Myself… or at least with the mirror and my arm. Have I become more accomplished?”
Will laughed. “You have indeed.”
“Does this place me higher on your list?”
“Mrs Darcy, you are the only woman who ever has, or ever will be, on my list. Somewhere deep inside, I knew you were supremely accomplished when you revealed your climb to the top of your father’s library shelves to retrieve Les Liaisons Dangereuses.”
“Well then, that settles it… I am ready to become your wife in the full sense of the word.” Elizabeth rolled over to the opposite side of the bed and leaped out. She pulled her nightgown over her head, tossed it on the chair and walked around to the other side of the bed naked.
Darcy was startled by her behaviour. He had assumed she would want to leave her nightclothes on.
Lizzy noticed his expression and looked a little doubtful. “Did I do something wrong? Does my body offend you?”
“No, not at all. I am just surprised you removed your gown.”
“Do you mean you would have allowed me to keep it on? All this time I have been worrying about this moment… the moment when you would see me.”
“I will never force you to do anything. You may put your gown back on if you would like.”
Elizabeth was thoughtful as she replied, “No, I am certain it will be easier with no encumbrances, and I am resolved to do this… Hopefully one day, we will please Bethany and Lewis with a brother or a sister.”
Darcy could not help but look petulant. “What about us? Do you not want to please me? Have you no hopes I will please you?”
“Of course I want to make you happy, and I now know I enjoy kissing you; but it is hard to imagine that any of the rest will be agreeable for me.”
“Please Elizabeth, come to bed. You are shivering.” He moved over to give her room.
When she was back next to him, he pulled her close to warm her. He was certain she was shaking from fear as well as the cold. “You do not have to submit… if you would rather wait.”
“No, I am sure, I want to continue. Maybe we could kiss some more first.”
That was incentive enough. He found her lips. After a few minutes, Darcy asked if he could remove his nightshirt. When Elizabeth agreed, he did so but in a much more modest fashion than she had. He did not want to frighten her even more.
The blanket covered him from the waist down, but Elizabeth was intrigued by what she could see—the muscles and the hair. His body was so different from hers. She let her fingers play over the taut skin, and then felt compelled to brush it with her lips. When he let out a low moan, she pulled away. “Did I hurt you?”
Darcy was perplexed by how to answer. He decided truth was the only course. “No, I reacted that way because your kiss was most pleasing, but unexpected.”
“Lord Wolfbridge never moaned. I did; but it was not because it was pleasant.” Elizabeth thought of something else that seemed different. “Do people talk as a rule during this eh… act? He did, but I did not listen.” Will’s eyes were full of questions. Turning away from his gaze she whispered, “Please don’t talk.”
They lay there in silence. Darcy became aware of just how unromantic this coupling was turning out to be. In no way did it match his dreams. He stroked her back in reassurance and wondered whether he should go to his room and wait for a more suitable time. He tried to determine her state of mind. Her eyes were closed and the tip of her tongue peeked out. He had seen that look before when she was pondering a chess move.
She finally spoke, “No, I have changed my mind. Lydia said what we are doing is about love. Keep telling me of your affection. Your words will help to persuade me ‘love making’ is what is happening.”
Darcy spoke of her beauty and his admiration often as he resumed kissing Elizabeth. His lips explored her neck, ears and throat. She let out little mewing noises like a kitten that he found endearing. When he determined them ready to take the next step, he flashed the smile she loved and asked, “Elizabeth may I caress your allurements?”
She giggled at his humour and replied, “Yes, and you may kiss my assets, if you would like.”
Will laughed with his whole being; pleased that she felt comfortable enough to tease. He then proceeded to do as she asked. He explored her body with his hands, lips and tongue, all the while whispering endearments. The culmination of his lovemaking was slow and gentle.
When it was over, Elizabeth felt it a good beginning. There had been things she found very pleasant and others less so, but the more they practiced, the better this act—this love m
aking would surely become.
She aroused something in him that he had never before experienced. He resolved then and there, he would spend his life finding ways to please her.
For the second time that night, they fell asleep.
“Wake up, wake up… Lizzy get up, we have an appointment.”
Without opening her eyes, she mumbled, “An appointment… what kind of an appointment could we have this time of the morning?”
“It is important business I have first thing every morning. Today, I would like you to attend.’’
“Oh, Will, I just want to sleep and then…” Elizabeth gave him a coy smile as she said, “and then maybe we could practice some more.”
“Elizabeth, for over a year you have told me you could not sleep. In truth now that I am able to observe, I find you are a sleepyhead. You know how I hate disguise, and your deception could be grounds for divorce.” The last was said with twinkling eyes. “Mrs Darcy, you have slept enough. I promise we will indeed indulge in more practice, but right now, we have my morning conference. It takes place in my bedroom. Make yourself presentable and let us go… you and I are wanted.”
The ‘conference’ was a meeting with Bethany and Lewis, and the venue was Will’s huge bed. The two little ones had chocolate, Will had coffee and Elizabeth requested tea. The children seemed very pleased she had come.
They discussed all manner of things, but the most serious topic was when their new mother would join them on their morning rides. Elizabeth explained she had never learned, and all three offered to teach her. Lizzy was finally forced to admit she was afraid.
Lewis laughed so loud and hard that Elizabeth thought he might fall off the bed. For the next half hour, she was the source of much ridicule. Their mirth was reminiscent of the humorous derision she had endured from her sisters because of her dread of horses. When their teasing was unsuccessful, Bethany and Lewis cajoled her, and Will even stooped to bribe her with a trip to Paris once the war with France was over. She remained intransigent. Bethany told her how important riding was to them as a family, and what an embarrassment it would be to all if it became known she could not ride… and what was worse, was afraid. Her daughter’s words caused Elizabeth to waver.
