by Jill Cooper
But still, I go to work. I take the phone calls when the Rewind retractors are looking for a spokesperson. I’m their first choice. And I’m the loudest and the most outspoken of them all. I’ll never remain quiet, because of everything Rewind has taken from me.
For all they took from Lara and those that loved her.
I walk to the Montgomery’s, in no rush. A stroll, rather than a brisk walk. I’m not worried about being late for dinner. Looking forward to it? Not really. It’s painful to see them and I know it’s painful for them to see me.
But it’s hard to let that relationship go.
Miranda greets me at the door with red eyes, but she puts on a brave face. She must have been crying again, but I pretend not to notice, handing her a bottle of wine. “Thanks for having me over for dinner.”
“You know you’re welcome here anytime.” She closes the door and I head into the living room.
Jax stands when he sees me and we shake hands. “Did you catch that game? Can’t believe the Sox pulled that one out.”
“I stayed up late just to watch. I paid for it this morning.” I reach for a handful of peanuts on the coffee table and we sit. We talk. Small chatter about nothing important. Neither of us talks about what we really want to.
His face is still scarred from where the assassin beat him. It’s faint. Barely noticeable, but he strokes it as if it still hurts.
“Don!”
I turn at the sound of her voice; my heart is in my throat. But it’s only Molly. Thirteen and with her long brown curls, she’s the near mirror image of Lara. I stand to greet her as she runs down the stairs. She’s dressed like any teenager, T-shirt, and jeans, but she moves gracefully and throws herself into my arms.
Hugging her makes part of me feel better. To take care of her and Mike, is the only purpose I really have. “Hope you’ve been studying.” I scold her gently.
Molly rolls her eyes. “Of course I have, you big dope.” She punches me on the arm and heads into the kitchen.
I stare after her. It’s the same every time I see her. I can’t separate where Lara ended and where Molly now begins. But she’s Lara’s half-sister. I’m here to look out for her. No matter the pain it causes.
“Hey,” Mike says from the foot of the stairs. His tablet in his hands.
“Hey, man.” We bump fists as Miranda calls, dinner.
We head over to sit at the full table, —food in abundance--- and all the seats, except for one are full. It’ll always be empty and every day I hope for signs that she’s around somewhere—just waiting to enter the room--- make a grand entrance. Save the day.
Because saving the day, is what Lara did best. Except now, there is no saving the day.
****
I stand in line, waiting for my coffee at Dunkin Donuts and read the screens that line the front.
Syria Rebels Surrender
Russia concedes defeat
Greece begs for Financial Assistance
On the screen, Xavier Daniels waves to the crowd. “Thank you, everyone, young and old for your support. And I am pleased to announce that with the U.S., Canadian, and European divisions, joining forces under Global Law, time travel will now be allowed to make our lives a better place. Terrorism has been destroyed, we are truly one nation under God, and all our lives will be richer for it.”
The crowd goes wild, but I just hang my head.
It’s everything we tried to stop. Lara’s been gone for ten years. My life ticks by like the hands on a clock, but I can never really let her go, can I?
At the front of the counter, the lady in the Dunkin orange cap gawks. “You want to get something, Mister?”
“Coffee.” I clear my throat. “Sorry. Medium hot. Regular.” I scan my thumb across the pad and take my coffee when it’s offered to me.
She gives me a tepid smile. “Here, I thought I was having a bad day.”
I can’t answer her. Part of me wishes I could at least pretend. When I head outside, my phone rings. I answer because I think it might be Lara’s mom. After ten years wondering about every call, every knock has gotten to me. Maybe I should’ve given up hope by now, but giving up on that is the hardest thing to let go.
“Don? I was worried about you when you didn’t show.”
It was my girlfriend for lack of a better word. I’m twenty-eight years old. My dad is constantly fixing me up on dates and this one was pleasant. This one was at least nice. It was wrong to string her along when my heart was so wrapped up with someone else, but…
There was no but. That was the simple truth. I was being a jerk.
And I’m pretty sure she knew it.
“Sorry, Claire. Were we supposed to meet?”
“For lunch.” Her voice was pained. “With my parents. I thought…things were good, Don.”
“I’m sorry.” I stop and lean up against the outside of a CVS. “This just isn’t…It’s not going to work, Clair. You’re nice. I like it, but…”
“It’s not me, it’s you sort of thing?” Her voice had a laugh in it and I’m pretty sure she might be crying.
I’m a heel. A complete dirt bag.
“I’m sorry. I wish I could explain…” But I really don’t want to. I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want to voice it—to share my pain. It wasn’t for her consumption. It wasn’t for anyone but me. Lara. And until the day, I see her again…
But I go on. I move through the motions.
I go to work, then to the bar every night. To the strip club. Then home.
Lara would be ashamed. I’m drowning and I’m not even calling out for help. I’m letting it happen. Sinking in despair and self-loathing.
It’s even worse on the days I see Molly, when we bump into each other. She’s seventeen now and filling out in all the right areas. All the places I dare not look, or even begin to imagine.
“Donovan, hey.” She swings her backpack over her shoulder and throws her long brown hair back. It’s just like Lara’s. Exactly in every way.
Except, Molly is carefree. She doesn’t have the curse or struggle that Lara had. Her eyes are darkened with the loss of her sister, but she’s trusting. Naïve. A spoiled, rich kid, who has been given everything her heart desires, because of the loss of Lara., Miranda and Jax are good people, but they can’t help but over compensate.
Molly’s a walking ghost of Lara. You can’t look at her face and wonder what if.
“Hey.” I run a hand through my hair as I breach the gap between us in the lobby of the office tower I work in. “What are you doing here?”
She stands a bit straighter and I can’t help but notice how tight her t-shirt is. How it hugs the curves of her…lady parts. Molly bites her lip and stands a bit closer to me. “I thought maybe we could catch lunch or something. You know?”
Molly grins. Devious. Mischievous.
She’s a dangerous flirt and she’s pushing me somewhere I can’t go. I need to be a gentleman, so I shake my head. “I can’t today. Sorry.” I use the revolving door to exit the building.
Molly is relentless as was her sister. She follows me and grabs my hand. When she touches me, it sends a jolt of electricity through me. My heart and body can’t separate her from Lara. I jerk and shove her off.
“Well, that was rude.” Molly’s face snarls and the beautiful girl I know disappears in her contempt.
“Just go home,” I whisper and take out my cell phone.
“What are you doing?” Molly voice rises.
“Calling Jax.”
“What?” She shrieks. “Don’t do that. I’m supposed to be in classes!” Molly chases after me and tugs on my arm to get the phone away.
“Then go back. Go home. But Molly, whatever you think is going on, it isn’t.” My eyes are harsh, but they need to be.
Her chin quivers and she looks ten years old again. “I know you feel it. I know you feel it too.” She reaches for me and I grab her hands and force them down.
“Make a scene and I will call your dad. You’re you
ng. Confused. Trust me; I know where you’re coming from. Everyone feels what you’re feeling now when they’re a teenager.”
“Don’t minimize what I’m feeling. Don’t!” Molly sucks her tears back. “Here I thought we were friends. You always came by the house. Always checking up on me…”
“That was for Lara.”
“Always about Lara, isn’t it?” Molly crosses her arms and gazes at the sidewalk. “You could call me Lara; if it…you know…it would make it better.”
It’s never crossed my mind to smack a girl before, but it does then. Using all my self-control, I turn from her and walk away. Turning the corner, I lift my phone and I bring a number up on speed dial. “Jax, you need to come get your daughter. She’s out of control.”
****
Molly is grieving for Lara her own way.
That’s what everyone says.
“I know it’s painful for you, Don.” Miranda grips my shoulder as I gaze out the window of her home. “Maybe it would be best…I mean, for a little while if you don’t…”
Come around anymore. I know what she’s going to say and part of me feels like I’m losing my family all over again.
“I don’t mean to be such a bitch. I love you, like a son. But right now, Molly’s acting out a lot. If we’re going to get her back on track, we need her to focus. She can’t do that with you around.”
I turn and gaze into Miranda’s eyes.
“She has a crush on you. Thinks you do too.” Miranda says it in a way that says she doesn’t want an answer. Doesn’t want to know.
And I’m too ashamed to give her one.
“I’ll go, but when things are calm…”
Miranda nods. She’s sincere as she holds my hands. “I’ll call you. I promise. We’d never give up on you, Don.” She squeezes my cheek as if I’m six years old. “You’ve been a Godsend to us. But this is just a blip…everything will go back to the way it was.”
The way it was since Lara disappeared, she means.
I grab my coat and say goodbye. Outside, I find Jax leaning on the railing gazing down at some flowers. There’s a stillness in him that I haven’t felt in some time. “Something on your mind?”
He turns to me and his eyes are dull. “John…killed himself.”
“When?” I demand to know.
“He was found this morning. Jumped right off the Zaccum Bridge. I…haven’t told Miranda yet. Don’t know how.”
I want to show him I care, that I’m sorry, but I don’t know how. “It has to come from you. If it comes from anyone else…”
Jax nods, but it’s slight. “I know. God, I know.” He turns up toward the house and stops. “Everything I did kept John in prison. Everything Lara did she did to save her mother. Him.”
“Don’t,” I warn him with narrow eyes. “Don’t go there. We’ve all blamed each other enough.”
He steps inside. The silence lingers between the flowers and us.
And the shadow of Lara Crane? She always hangs over us, shielding us from the light. Keeping us in the dark.
****
If Lara went into the past, she might be lost forever.
But, if she’s in the future, then someday I might see her again. If I can live long enough. But with the amount I’ve been drinking and smoking, it’s not clear I’ll make it to that day.
I’ve lost count on how many years it’s been and it takes me a long time to think back that far.
Twenty years?
Twenty-Five?
I’m middle aged but still good looking. Single. Like a real James, money is the only thing that matters to me anymore. It’s all I have. So I keep making business deals and they keep me flying around the country. Going overseas to the European States and to the Asian District.
Whatever keeps me away from home.
My private jet is nice. Comfortable. And on it, I’m able to relax, unbutton the top two buttons of my suit, and unwind. I pour a glass of whiskey on the rocks and nurse it like a lover. God knows there haven’t been any of those in a decade.
Maybe even longer.
I’m headed back to Boston now, for the first time in eighteen months. I don’t know why I’m even bothering, but Miranda’s been checking up on me. Molly too. And I think it’s time I have a conversation with her. Tell her why I’ve been avoiding her.
Other than how much she looks like Lara? A ghost of my past and Molly, damn that Molly. I can’t keep my feelings for her separate for my feelings for Lara.
It’s not right. It’s sick and perverted, but I’m a James, right? There’s nothing good about me without Lara.
I’ve heard Molly’s living in a condo by the back bay. No longer the angry teenager who had the hots for her older would-be-uncle. I go there even though it’s three in the morning because she told me anytime. Stop by anytime. 3:00am seems to qualify, but I know it’s a bad idea.
I stumble out of the limo because I’m drunk. I can barely find the stairs to take me up to her floor. When I ring the bell, some guy answers, with brown hair and washboard abs. As if I need the reminder of everything I’m not.
“Sorry,” Pretty sure I’m slurring. “I must have the wrong condo.”
“Donovan James?” He asks with narrow eyes and then a hand swats him away and her face folds into view.
It’s she. Lara.
“Lara?” I whisper and reach for her, but she shakes her head and takes my hand.
Her eyes pity me. “It’s Molly, Don.” She whispers softly then says it again. “Remember, Molly? Lara’s bratty little sister, right?”
“Right.” I roll my eyes to keep from crying and try to walk away, but Molly follows me. We’re standing in the hallway and in her loose pajamas; I can tell she’s pregnant. Just what I need. A reminder that Molly is moving on. Mike is moving on, but me?
I’m stuck in the past like with a beaten down DeLorean that can’t take me where I want to go.
Molly clings to my hand to get me to stop moving. “You look horrible.”
“Yeah, well,” I snort. “You look pregnant.”
Her eyes are wide as they regard me and her tongue clucks along the roof of her mouth. “What was I supposed to do? Wait for you to pull yourself together forever? Realize that Lara’s gone and not coming back?”
I grip my hair with both hands. “We can’t have this conversation. We won’t. You’re Lara’s sister. Her baby sister and anything you ever felt was one-sided.”
Her eyes narrow. “Bull it was one-sided. Don’t think I don’t know why you stay away. Why you avoid me like I’m contagious.”
“Because you make it harder.” I bare my teeth. I want to grab her, shake her. Or kiss her, but I can’t do any of that.
“I don’t mean to.” Her stance softens. “I don’t mean to, Don.”
I shake my head. “Everything between us, acted on or not, it’s unforgivable. If she walked out of that elevator, I’d never be able to face her. Never.”
She goes to stroke my arm and I yank it away. “She wouldn’t judge you. She was never that type. She’d want you happy.”
“Well, she’d be the only one.” I sound so bitter; more than I’d realized I’d felt. My heart is like a stone. “Jax. Mike. I might as well be Jack the Ripper.”
Her eyes are hard as they gaze at me. Judge me. “How they feel about you is my fault. But you’re a good guy. She’s been gone a long time, Don. I hate to see what you’re doing to yourself.”
The pull between us is still there, but now Molly is even less attainable than before. Pregnant and committed to someone else. Jealousy swells inside me and I hate myself even more than before. “Coming here was a mistake. I don’t need this kind of pressure from you. None of you.”
“Don, please. You need help. God, look at you.” She eyes me with disgust, her nose inches upward. “Just look at you. Lara wouldn’t want this for you.”
“Don’t tell me what she’d want.” I point my finger and the emotions, the anger, and tears lodge in my chest. They struggle to
be freed, but I can’t let that happen. I have to hold onto it. I can’t let it go.
Because it’d be as if a damn, broke through my chest. I’d never—ever, get it to stop.
“She gave it all up for you.” I point my finger at Molly’s chest and in that moment, I hate her. I hate her for everything she is. Everything she has that I don’t. Lara doesn’t have. “Saving you was more important to her than saving anything.”
“You think I don’t know? You think I don’t miss her? But that doesn’t mean…doesn’t mean I can’t live a life? Get married? Have kids?” Molly shakes her head and crosses her arms. It’s the first time I notice her wedding ring or how far along she really is.
“Thanks for inviting me to your wedding.” I turn around and smack my hand on the wall.
“I tried!” Molly screams. “You wouldn’t take my calls. My invitation was returned by your assistant, so don’t tell me I didn’t try!”
I lift my hand to flip her off, but I just keep going. “Go back to your husband.”
Her foot stomps on the ground and she gives her exasperated sigh. “Don, wait. Please!”
But I don’t listen. I get into the elevator and lean my head against the cool metal. When the door slides shut, I lose it. I sob and cover my face, sinking to the ground. I sit with my ankles crossed and cry.
Shoulders heaving.
Snot sniffling.
My life is a shambles. The reason I had to go on, no longer exists.
The door opens and I can’t even crawl out. It dings over and over. It’s only when I hear someone clearing their throat that I look up.
It’s Xavier Daniels and he’s holding a gun to my head.
With disinterest, I watch him. Does he really think I care if I live or die? I’ve been dead a long time.
He tilts his head and he regards me. “Mr. James, after everything we’ve been through—how we both lost Lara—I’m sad to say it’s come to this.”
I just stare up at him with bloodshot, lifeless eyes.
“I’ve always been against killing, but you—I need to take yours myself because my machines, my specialists tell me that if you live, in exactly three years from today, you’ll undo everything I’ve created. Tomorrow morning you will pull yourself together. Give up drinking. Make it your life’s mission to stop me. It can’t happen.”
